just so you know I am still here...

...well almost!

My parents are quite elderly and my father is very fragile at the moment and experiencing difficulties which are taking up my time and emotional energy. This happens to all of us including, I know, many who comment here.

Priorities don't become an issue - helping and supporting takes over. There is no question. But perhaps there should be.

We all need to look after ourselves to be strong enough to look after another.

So look after yourselves my friends. Be strong.

It can be hard being a "kind Dom" sometimes!

More soon...

Must Doms have an alpha personality?

I was talking with a friend recently, eating lunch outside a cafe bar in Berlin. (Like you do!)

She is switch and I found myself talking about the roles of Dom and sub.

I used the following example.

I am imagining a couple in a bar. Is one of them a Dom because they are alpha and always go to the bar to order the drinks or are they Dom if they task their sub to go to the bar to order the drinks? (In the UK it is normal to go to the bar rather than wait for a waiter.)

It sounds minor but I think it is at the heart of whether "Dom-ness" is being an "alpha" personality or whether it is to do with having control and getting what one wants. Sometimes that can be through being an alpha personality - but not always.

The same friend emailed me recently. She is a switch and had told me that she was currently feeling much more in sub mode. She was excited to be in a new relationship. Her new friend was eager to fulfil her wishes. "Very submissive. She's service-oriented and needs a bit of a guiding figure and she wants to do everything for me. She washes my dishes, folds the laundry, brings me lunch to work, gives me massages, takes me for dinner, and pays for everything. And she LIKES doing all these things." Coming from a kink background she recognised this as sub. So was she now Dom?

I am not sure. I like doing things for Inès. However, I am doing things for myself. I do the cooking because I like to cook and I prefer my cooking to hers. I support her life and her work because that is right but also because if she is content then that impacts also on my own happiness. Does that make me sub? I think not but for some who see "Dom-ness" as being an alpha personality then perhaps it would.

I wondered too whether her friend might really be the Dom because she was doing exactly what she wanted - and my friend was reaping the benefits but was perhaps still the sub because her new friend was the one in control?

For me "Dom-ness" is about control. I can do what I want. It has been agreed. However what I want to do may be things that Inès enjoys. Surely that is the point.

Can we teach the vanilla world about consent?

I was listening to a programme on BBC radio about "The New Age of Consent". It was called 'Re-writing the Rules' and introduced by Jameela Jamil.

I have saved a couple of clips from the programme. The first shows how something can so easily go wrong. You can listen to it here.

However Bitsy also discusses how the BDSM scene avoids this and does it so much better through taking communication, prior discussion and agreement for granted - and can also make it sexy!

You can listen to what she has to say here.

Whoever thought making lists could be such fun? However if you look at most fetlife.com profiles for instance - they are full of lists of what members like and what they do not like. So perhaps we have something that we can usefully teach the vanilla world.

How sexy is your list?

;)

A rulebook for Doms?

There was a thought provoking comment by Princesse to the last post about BDSM Contracts. Her comments may have been influenced perhaps by previous unhappy experiences where Doms proved not to be as experienced as they should have been or proved not to be trusted. However, whatever the stimulus, I think it does raise some important points.

A sub gives control and power to the Dom. Surely as Princesse suggests, they should be able to expect that as part of the agreement the Dom at least knows what he is doing and is going to stick to sane, safe and consensual and would only move to elements of risk when both parties were fully committed to that. It should also be expected that the Dom is fully aware of level or risks and has the appropriate knowledge and experience to engage in the proposed activities.

"Does a pilot fly a plane without his rules in head or does he just wing it?" she writes. I would no more expect someone to submit to a Dom who had no idea of sensible rules in relation to BDSM than I would to fly with such a pilot. The rules aren't just about appropriate knowledge and experience but are also about attitude. Is this someone who you can trust to take care of your emotional needs as well as your physical ones. There is as much danger of potential psychological and emotional harm as there is of physical harm. However much a Dom knows how to use rope safely or to manipulate certain implements, he needs to understand the psychological and emotional impact of such activities just as much as the physical and to regard it as his duty to supply the appropriate after-care.

This may also seem just a matter of common sense. However I am guessing the fact that Princess raised it shows that she may have had experiences where that was not the case.

So how can a sub ensure that all of this is clear? Should they really sit down with their Dom and write out a detailed list of responsibilities of the Dom as part of a joint contract?

"I'm all for a contract that clearly and excruciatingly details how the dominant will care for the submissive. ... It seems the dom needs a rulebook and chart, just as much as the sub. Bring on the ink pens, pencils, erasers and the big bottle of whichever libation of choice. Will take a while to hammer it all out. ;-)"

I think that Princesse may be right to insist that these issues are discussed in some detail. Partly it is a matter of trust. I am not sure that writing it down ensures the Dom is any more trustworthy. So are we just back to good communications, using ones instinct and taking time to build trust and respect? Can one then ever be sure that trust will never be abused or betrayed?

a BDSM contract...

neriche wrote this in her very interesting comment to the post Are men just wimps?

"...when might a submissive's written contract detailing limits as well as 'kinks to try' cross over into topping from the bottom? I just completed a 6-page kink preferences checklist someone shared with me at a munch. What Dom is going to want to read that? Being a newly minted fan of the idea of a contract as well makes me wonder at what point a Dom might just say, 'enough!'?"

I and many commenters on this blog constantly emphasise the importance of communication. So the logical response is to get it all written down; limits and desires; rules and consequences; what, where, when, how...

I am not one for contracts but I know some do have them. In fact that can often be instigated by the Dom. I have often thought it was part of the control aspect, a formal process of submission, part of the ritual that some enjoy. Perhaps though it could be a defensive act for the Dom. If it is written and signed that use of a single tail whip is acceptable then there can be no complaints!

I must admit that I am not one for such contracts though I can accept that they work well for others.

So, as neriche writes, "We've touched on sufficient and clear communication. Is it possible to overdo it?"

Back from Berlin...

In a comment to my previous post below, neriche said...
"Inquiring minds are curious...how'd it go? ;) What's been your favorite kinky holiday, and was it the place or the people that made it so?"

Well...
It went very well thank you. Though not particularly kinky on this occasion. There was an event we had been invited to the day I arrived and also an international munch which we fancied going to. However...

I met Inès in a square just down the road from the apartment we booked and we went there together. Once we had been shown round the very nice place I decided as we hadn't seen each other for a few weeks that we should check out the bedroom.

After that we decided it was perhaps a bit late for the other events and we fancied a quieter evening. So we had a walk and a nice meal and then went back to the bedroom...

Inès was working during the week and I wanted to stroll and relax so we didn't seek out much else. Though I did arrange a photographic shoot with a friend from this blog while I was there which I thought worked very well.

To answer the main question though...

What was my favourite kinky holiday?

I thought first of all of a previous Berlin visit that had a number of interesting kinky events that were quite memorable. However there is another visit, a long time ago now, that stands out. I had a holiday planned staying at the house of a friend in a very scenic area. Near by lived an online friend with whom I had struck up a very close D/s relationship. I spent several days at the beginning of my stay and again at the end of my stay with her. There we explored a whole variety of BDSM and Kink in ways that helped each of us develop. Although I think most of the posts about that have now been taken down any readers of my old Beau blog may remember us writing of it. Sadly, as is often the way with these things, for various reasons it came to an end. I still remember her and that time though very fondly.

So what about my readers...

Will you share a favourite kinky holiday with us?

Berlin

I'm off on holiday again. In a couple for days I will be meeting Inès in Berlin. We have had some fun there before and with other friends we have met there.

One of whom has invited us to a very interesting event the day I arrive. I wonder if we will manage to get there. If not I am sure we will find something else kinky to get up to while we are there. Berlin is that kind of place...

Do you add fetish to your holidays? Is a holiday also a holiday from D/s or is it a time to spice up your relationship and find new kinds of fun...?

misinterpretation...

This post was inspired by a comment by Fondles to my previous post Are men just wimps?  You can read her comment here.

In it she writes,
"It's easy to say, hey, sure, I'll spank / whip / hit you. But women (or so I'm told) are fickle creatures, and it's not difficult to imagine how an argument could escalate into finger pointing and police reports being filed. Anything taken out of context could sound like a crime."

Whether fickle or not, people can change their minds at a later date. They can have regrets. Things might not have turned out as wonderfully as they had hoped. Or perhaps a relationship breaks down in a resentful and acrimonious way. Reporting BDSM activities out of context would certainly be seen as abuse by the authorities.

I can imagine the interview question,
"Did you on such and such a date engage in the following activities with X..."
Then the response,
"Well, yes, BUT..."

I'm not sure how well the "BUT" would play out in such a scenario. Not well I imagine.

I wonder if this plays any part at all in the questions I asked in the previous post. Or is it anyway something that Doms should bear carefully in mind?

Are men just wimps?

I came across a profile on Fetlife today when I clicked on an email link. It raised an issue that I have come across a number of times on Fetlife and also in emails to Uncle Agony. I have paraphrased it here:
"I've always found myself fantasising but when I've ever approached it with a partner the idea has been shut down straight away. I'm looking for hints and tips to getting a partner involved in my naughty fantasies."

At one level it can be someone who has been aroused by reading (I first wrote "coming across" but wanted to avoid the double entendre!) Fifty Shades of Grey. At another level it can be someone with a deeply submissive or masochistic personality who cannot find a partner to satisfy their needs in a safe situation. Both are inherently frustrating and where it is something deep in a person's psyche that they cannot fulfil it can be agonisingly distressing.

All the examples I have are from women in this situation. Given that men tend to be viewed as more assertive and perhaps aggressive, it is surprising that women find it so hard to find a man to dominate them or even get involved in some kinky D/s play.

An online friend had tried to get her husband to spank her as part of an attempt to develop a more D/s scenario. Despite several attempts by him to meet her needs he just could not do it. He had been brought up to be kind and considerate to women and had a deeply ingrained feeling that striking a woman was wrong.

I can understand that in a way. I believe the same in a vanilla setting. However if a submissive woman desired me to meet her needs through tying her up and spanking her - then find me the ropes and the crop! Just why do I never meet these women?

Though even I have my limits as a Dom. I would find it impossible to deliver the kinds of beating that some masochistic women crave.

Perhaps after all we men are just wimps.

TOO busy

It is official - I'm too busy.

Too busy and I don't like it.

I now have unread emails going back for a month. If I owe you a reply - please forgive me.

More importantly, personal life suffers and relationships can be strained.

It is important to take time for relationships. It is important to take time to talk, to take time to relax together, to take time to have fun together, to take time for kink, to take time for sex, to take time to investigate (and instigate!) new and exciting things you would like to do together and new adventures you would like to have.

It is important.

Is it just me? Life seems to have got like that now.

How is it impacting you? How do you survive? How do you prioritise?

Having prioritised - how do you make it happen?

I know, I'll write an email.

     "Dear Uncle Agony, Please can you help me with an urgent question..."

:)

on being judgemental...

There was an interesting discussion on my last post 'being judgemental...'

I was prepared to receive some flack in the comments but it developed some interesting points. For instance Neriche had experience of women who had been abused in the past discovering a safe place in the BDSM world. Jz made it clear she felt it was fine to be speak ones mind about things one believes to be wrong and that was not the same as "being judgemental". So that gives me my justification!

One of the issues I was trying to address was that of lifestyle relationships in particular. I suppose I am worried about where the line lies between genuinely happy and caring BDSM relationships and those where the dynamic might be manipulated by a Dom and has an underlying abusive element. Abby had something to say about that and also Bleue though she also pointed out the abuse she has seen in play settings.

One of the things that prompted my post was having had long conversations with women who had come to recognise that their BDSM lifestyle relationships were in fact abusive and walked out. This is not a simple and easy action for a sub, both emotionally and physically. It can have a long term impact in many ways.

Dani was one such and has posted her response here. She is a strong and brave woman who has suffered a lot in many ways and who was in extreme danger at more than one time. I suppose I worry about those subs who may not be as strong, brave and determined as she was.

being judgemental...

OK this one may be controversial so after I press "Publish" I may go and hide behind the sofa for a while. But here goes...

I was going to start with, "I try not to be judgemental...".

But - no - I don't consciously try not to be judgemental about other people's lifestyles. I hope that I am genuinely NOT judgemental about other people's lifestyles as long as they are not harming others. In fact I try to be positive about their rights to live their lives in a way that is fulfilling to them, that makes them happy, content, satisfied, fulfilled, replete.

However, I did say, "as long as they are not harming others." 

*Sighs and takes a deep breath before daring to continue*

I know that within that I have always included, "as long as they are not harming each other."

And there is the rub. My definition of that may be very different to others. I know from emails from readers that they have reassessed their relationships after reading this blog. (I am sure that was not the only factor.) In fact I know of two women who have divorced their husbands after coming to a recognition that their relationships were not appropriately D/s but were in fact abusive.

My definition of "harm" may be different from that of others. We have discussed abuse on here lots and had recent discussions for instance about body modification, etc. There are demands from a Dom that can be just wrong. They may be in terms of physical demands. How strong does a beating have to be before it becomes abusive? Who gets to decide that? Do take into account the power dynamic within the relationship and emotional bonds before answering.

What about the relationship itself? Where something is happening within a "play" setting, it can kind of be switched on and off. One can discuss afterwards to point out where things went wrong and expect that not to be repeated. Guidelines and limits can be set out clearly in advance and revised when necessary. But if it is a lifestyle choice then how do the limits work then? Who makes the decisions? Always the Dom? But if it is a Master/slave or Domestic Discipline/1950s household type of relationship then how does that work?

When I believe that people being slaves or being controlled and beaten within a relationship is wrong in a vanilla setting then what makes it right if it appears to be exactly the same dynamic but has been given a label of Kink or BDSM or D/s or M/s or whatever? Can those labels themselves become an excuse for unscrupulous people to abuse others? That should also apply to emotional/psychological control and in relation to equality issues.

If I think a certain lifestyle situation is not ethical am I not right to call it out whether or not it is being self classified as BDSM? I know regular readers will see this post in the the context of what has gone before over many years. However I appeal to new or passing readers to recognise that this is not an attack on the BDSM scene from outside but a genuine attempt to address important issues within the community.

(Whilst I have written here with the implication of male dominant and female sub, as always I recognise the situations arise in gender relations of all sexual orientations.)

*Rushes now to hide behind the sofa.*

power dynamics...

I have recently watched a film, 'The Duke of Burgundy'. I had not heard of it before and was surprised at this as it has had some good reviews. It describes a lesbian D/s relationship and investigates the power play within it in a very interesting way.

I wondered if any readers of this blog had seen it and what they thought of it. I wondered too if others might have found the issues about the dynamic interesting and thought provoking?

more thoughts on objectification...

I'm just going to add a few more thoughts to my previous post about objectification.

Inès sometimes works as an artists' life model. Most of her work is naked. Her body is just there to be drawn or painted. She is just a still life, an object. Quite literately as it is important to the artists that she maintains that exact position without moving. For some artists it is just a technical challenge to try to represent what they can see with some accuracy and expression.

For the model it is slow torture. Keeping a still pose for hours creates pain - even in a simple sitting pose. The bones start to press through the flesh into the seat. Imagine a standing pose with a twist, or a pose where one part of the body is pressing into another. Imagine doing it for hours. Imagine not being able to move. She is not just an object but also in pain - not recognised by most of the artists.

Then of course there are the final drawings, concentrating on all the interesting bits - the folds of flesh, the jutting bones, sometimes making one look quite grotesque. It can be humiliating.

So - a perfect job for a masochistic exhibitionist who enjoys being objectified and humiliated. Perhaps a perfect job for submissives everywhere. Any takers?

objectification...

I am not particularly a fan of latex and rubber or that particular kink. However I was recently introduced to a website which included some well shot short video clips of women dressed in tight fitting rubber latex mostly with a BDSM theme.

I found the tight figure hugging and figure forming nature of the clothing attractive. What got me thinking though was that with the face masks that were part of it - there was a dehumanising aspect to it which created a strong objectification. That made me wonder whether rather than a fetish for the materials themselves it was that objectification aspect which made it so attractive in a D/s or BDSM context. Though for me BDSM is very personal, that is part of the point and the pleasure of it.

I wonder if others have thoughts about this. Do you have experience of this kind of fetish wear? Do you find it attractive in others? Do you find it erotic? Does this come from the look and feel of it - or is the objecification aspect part of the pleasure?

when...

This post is triggered by radio segment I was listening to recently. There was a discussion of domestic abuse and when and how to intervene.

If a friend or a work colleague had a black eye one would be concerned and ask how they got it. The "walked into a door" answer may well be true but can sometimes cause suspicion. A sympathetic response is all that may be needed. However if facial bruising starts to occur with increasing frequency then one may feel a need to offer greater support - just the person knowing you are there to listen if necessary, perhaps, or maybe a more questioning response expressing concern and offering advice and/or support.

Within many domestic abuse cases the, abuse if not actually consensual, is recognised as part of a relationship which they need or value. One cannot make the person seek help or leave the relationship. Offers of support may often be rejected.

But what if the marks are not on the face but elsewhere on the body. Most often they would not be noticed. Regular bruising to the buttocks would only be noticed in a more intimate relationship. Yet these bruises may be nothing to worry about but part of a loving BDSM or D/s relationship. We have heard from subs who enjoy being marked or bruised to show off  their submission. So we would presumably regard that as being ok.

In an earlier post I discussed a woman who'd had significant cosmetic surgery as part of her BDSM relationship. This was I assume completely consensual at the time. However in the comments the discussion tended to take the view that this was not acceptable.

Which gets me to my question - "when..."

When should one be concerned? When should one start to express such concern? All these cases have a large element of consent though may not be enjoyed at the time. Even scenes in BDSM relationships may not be 'enjoyed' at the time. So is that then all ok? Some are clearly unacceptable and wrong. Surely there comes a time when one is concerned, worried and wondering how best to offer support. Or are we just then being nosy and interfering?

When should we risk the rejection of a friend or colleague and express serious concern?

And how should one go about it?

the inquisitiveness of the vanilla world

In an earlier post I talked of some questions from the vanilla world. There was a part of the thread of comments that wondered if the original correspondent who had many questions secretly desired to experience the world of BDSM.

However Jz in her comment here wrote:
I actually have been peppered with questions by more than one of my friends who aren't kinky but aren't afraid to ask why I am... which is why I did, I'll admit, get a bit twitchy at the assumptions that Anon's curiosity must be based in a secret desire to try it. That may often be the case but it is not invariably so. Some people are naturally of a curious bent. (As one friend said, "We aren't nosey, just interested!")

Which got me wondering about the interest of the vanilla world about the world of Kink and BDSM.

I am sure there are some who are curious because they wonder if there might be aspects that they would enjoy. Much of the edge of BDSM and kink is finding its way into popular fantasy through the Fifty Shades of Grey phenomenon. Perhaps some people's sexual interest has been piqued. I think also for some BDSM is a fantasy but may always remain just that.

There will be others though like the correspondent and Jz's friends who have no interest in partaking but are fascinated completely because of the fact that they just don't get it. Their interest is not because they think they might like it but exactly the opposite - they can't understand why anyone would like it! A friend watched the Lars Von Trier film Nymphomaniac and thought that the masochistic beating scene was what typically happened in a BDSM relationship so we were keen to disabuse her of that mistake! There may be many other misunderstandings - or just a complete incomprehension of the psychology and emotional aspects of it.

Or perhaps there is a continuum between those who are secretly interested and those who are horrified by the thought of it.

Have you ever discussed it with vanilla friends? Where did they fit onto this spectrum?

marks of submission...

As a submissive do you enjoy something to mark your submission? As a dominant to you enjoy your sub being marked in a way that shows her submission? These signs can be important to some.

Sometimes it may be just pleasure in the marks left from a scene - rope marks perhaps or the weal left by a stroke of the cane.

Perhaps you have something more permanent, a collar or other special thing you wear constantly. For some they may be just worn when alone to help move into that mind-space.

Might it be something more permanent? A tattoo perhaps?

Who has been marked? Does it give you pleasure?

body modification again

When I wrote about humiliation recently I pointed out that my original post on Humiliation was one of the most visited on the blog. The next most visited, interestingly is about body-modification.

There are quite few quotes and some discussion but the examples given were mostly of piercings and weight control. The most extreme was perhaps the weight loss of a sub who I knew whose Dom had her reduce her weight extremely dramatically.

There seemed general agreement that plastic surgery was a hard limit. I wonder then what readers think of this from a profile on Fetlife,

"I Must Live With the Results of Several Forced Cosmetic "DOLL" Surgeries:
Bondage and whippings, CP, (but not beatings), when deserved, are essential to a Sadistic Master and sub relationship built on trust. Punishment and discipline may be necessary to encourage me to do as I am told, or for his pleasure. But, when trust is abused, so is the submissive. A relationship that leaves one with irreversible cosmetic “DOLL” surgeries utters abuse as well. Since I cannot change what was done to me, I now am a living doll whore.

I have learnt to accept my modified DOLL body and face. I am trying my best to keep it acceptable and that activity, like a job, occupies much of my time, and helps define my life except for my sometimes annoying fake rubber doll BOOBS and permanent RINGS."

Though the sub concerned seems again to have put herself in a very vulnerable position, yet seems to revel in that situation. So there is part of her perhaps who likes being that "doll whore".

She describes what was done to her as abuse - and I think it was. I wonder if there are readers who have had plastic surgery as part of their D/s relationship or other serious body modification - or are a Dom who has required it?

Can this ever be justifiable or is it always abuse?

vulnerability

In a previous post a little while ago about humiliation Jz wrote here that while humiliation just didn't work for her in a scene, "vulnerability works ever-so well!"

That got me thinking about vulnerability. I'm not sure I have completed my thoughts on it so perhaps readers can help me with their own thoughts.

From a Dominants point of view a sense of vulnerability in a partner can be very attractive. Perhaps it is just the fact that they have trusted you so deeply as to put themselves in that situation in relation to you. It somehow seems to imply a strong emotional bond. I suppose any one to one bondage play provides this situation. However there can be something just in demeanour at any time that can give this impression of vulnerability and I can't quite put my finger on it.

Though in a wider sense it can be a problem. Where someone is described as 'vulnerable' it may be that we are worried about them - that perhaps they are in danger of being take advantage of or even abused. Perhaps it is this danger in being vulnerable that gives it its power when placed in a context of trust and perceived safety. Or to truly be 'vulnerable', does there have to be a slight fear that things might not go exactly as one planned or hoped?

How does it feel though to be vulnerable. What is the attraction for Jz and others who can delight in its frisson? What does it feel like? Can it turn from a positive feeling to a negative one? How does one keep the positive feeling and avoid the negative one? It is important for a Dom to have some awareness of this. It is clearly important that a delightful sense of vulnerability in a scene does not suddenly turn into fear and distress.

Any thoughts?

touch...

I have been thinging about this a lot recently in a variety of contexts.

I am sure I have written on here before about the importance of touch. I have been thinking about it recently and discussing it with friends partly in relation to the variety of discussion that has led from the #metoo movement and consequences in the UK at least where allegations of inappropriate touching - interpreted as sexual harassment or assault - have led to serious consequences for the people concerned, I am not wanting to get into that debate in this post. However I think it has made people more concious of the way they touch others and the appropriateness of that.

There is a positive side to that in that men in particular need to understand that there are occasions where physical contact is not welcome or appropriate and may be extremely unwelcome. However there is a negative side where touching can become forbidden in many contexts as a way of ensuring that no physical contact is inappropriate.

This has been developing in the UK for decades - and much of it for very good reasons. Where one is working in a professional context with children, vulnerable people or with the opposite sex on a one to one basis there has been a focus on such issues. Though truly it refers to any human reaction with another - though where there is a power relationship it becomes more of an issue.

Last year I had to have a slightly uncomfortable medical procedure. Whilst it took place a nurse placed her hand on my shoulder and I found that very comforting. Fortified by the medication coursing through my system I made a point of telling her that as I was aware that in some contexts that might have been thought of as inappropriate - perhaps especially if it had been a male nurse and a female patient. The nurse asked me to repeat my thoughts in the comments form I would receive to fill in later as she had already had discussions with the doctor about this.

Perhaps the issue about touching is where it is inappropriate because of a power relationship...

But I will leave that for now. I have gone on far more than intended. I think physical contact between people is important. It is comforting and supportive. I recognise that many women in particular may have had experiences where such hugs have become too intimate and inappropriate. However I think it is important that we find ways of working round that and recognising the value of touch. Hugs are good.

Do read this article that prompted me to write again about this issue:

No hugging: are we living through a crisis of touch?
https://www.theguardian.com/society/2018/mar/07/crisis-touch-hugging-mental-health-strokes-cuddles?CMP=Share_iOSApp_Oth

hypnosis and control

Recently I came across a some adult oriented videos about hypnosis. In several of them the hypnotist brought the subject to orgasm just through the power of suggestion. The subjects all seemed to have enjoyed themselves (some of them very much so!)

There was one site I cam across though where the hypnotist was promoting private videos he had made with a number of women where they were hypnotised to orgasm, many of them in a bdsm type of context. Interestingly he used some of the techniques of a Dom - such as saying "good girl" etc, though he was trying to create a D/s context.

It might just be because I found him slightly sleezy that I was a little uncomfortable about the videos. Some years ago I was at a performance where one of the acts was a hypnotist. There was nothing adult about this performance but again I found myself a bit uncomfortable about it. All the participants were volunteers but I did not like the way that they were being made foolish. For instance one man was asked to say something special to his girlfriend. He got down on one knee and proposed marriage to her. At this she was very shocked and clearly unhappy about his proposal! In some of the adult videos the hypnotist encouraged (tricked?) the subjects into intimate contact with him. I am sure parameters will have been discussed beforehand and if the subjects had been unhappy with the final product no doubt he would not have wanted to publish it. He was also using techniques to encourage women to orgasm that helped him get past their natural reticence. For some this may have been great - and was in some achieving a quality of orgasm they said they had not experienced before. I can imagine it might be brilliant to help some women achieve orgasm who may not have been able previously for psychological reasons.

There is a but though...

... or maybe it is just a question.

D/s and much BDSM is about different levels of control. It can be about giving oneself completely into the control of another. It is what "power exchange" is all about. This level of hypnosis seemed to be the ultimate in 'control'. The subject has consented to be hypnotised so where is the problem? I think it is that however much it is discussed beforehand the subject cannot know fully all that is going to be done. Once under hypnosis there is no safe-word. Once hypnotised one can no longer give or retract consent. I think given this, some of his actions could have been regarded as sexual assault.

I wonder if I am just being too over the top about this. After all If a sub allows herself to be bound and gagged by her Dom to be used by him in a scene then surely this is no different?

Any thoughts???

Ooops...

Ooops - is it really so long since I posted?

You will think I have forgotten you. No of course I haven't done that, just been remarkably busy with other things.

New post tomorrow, I promise.

:)

P xx

questions from the vanilla world...

I recently had a long comment written in response to an earlier post punishment and domestic discipline. The questions asked seemed to be too far reaching to respond to in another comment - and also worthy of wider discussion. So I posted the comments as an Uncle Agony post here.

I was a bit overwhelmed at first by the range of questions and issues raised. However the core one seems to be about the acceptance of punishment in a Domestic Discipline relationship. It boiled down to her last two words...

"But why?"

The questioner is from the vanilla word, has just discovered BDSM and seems genuine in her eagerness to understand it better. Some of her questions though are interesting and challenging in themselves. I hope readers may find time to pop over to Uncle Agony and read the post and perhaps help to start a discussion which may go some way to enlightening her.

Or as I suggested there - perhaps she just needs to dip in her toe to test the water for herself...

keeping up

It's been a bit difficult keeping up at the moment but there was a really interesting comment on the Humiliation post I referred to in my last post here.

It was by northierthanthou and you can read his full comment here. My response was here.

In brief he was, I think, looking at the motives of 'humiliation' from both sides and came up with the notion of "making someone feel badly about themselves."  That was something we both felt at least uncomfortable about. I liked his thought about whether it was ok when he asked the question "Is the submissive individual actually humiliated or are they still strong and proud after all?"

A proper post will follow soon - but I would be genuinely interested in any further thoughts on this topic.

The role of humiliation in BDSM

The discussion in the last post focussed on Doms using humiliation as a technique and its appropriateness. This was particularly in response to a reader who had asked why Doms seemed to slip into this approach even after the pre-play relationship had been polite and mutually respectful.

I was reminded of an online relationship I had some years ago with a submissive on the other side of the world. Ours was a polite and respectful relationship - an online friendship that turned into an online BDSM relationship. She made it clear at the start that she was not into being demeaned and gave as an example that she did not want to be called a 'slut'. I am not sure now how the line was crossed but it was not many weeks before she revelled in being a called a slut! So things can change. Although the word was not really being used as humiliation - but more as a celebration!

I have noticed though that in the seven or eight years of this blog the post that has been by far the most read is one on Humiliation. You can read it here.

I think it is still an interesting read and has seventeen comments which include some interesting perspectives from submissive who are both into humiliation or not as well as the perspectives of a couple of Doms.

I wonder why that post is so popular and the most regularly sought? On a weekly basis, of the older posts it tends to be at the top of the most viewed.

I wonder if readers have any thoughts on why the subject is so sought out.

You may also have thoughts on my final sentence in the post,
"Is submission itself a humiliation?"

playing a role...

I had a very interesting email from a reader a little while ago. She had been exploring online, discussing with Doms, enjoying a little online play and banter and discovering what she found comfortable, what was enjoyable and what turned her on.

She likes to have a mutually respectful and polite relationship with her online Dom friends. However she has discovered to her dismay that as soon as it turns into online play that their manner changes. From being polite and courteous they suddenly become quite debasing in their language and  demands. She wonders whether this harsher tone is necessary and whether all Doms resort to it to enforce their dominance. She clearly found it a turn-off.

She asked me whether it was possible for a Dom to maintain an element of his respectful views of a sub (women in particular) during role play, in spite of the power exchange. I think it is. Though I recognise many Doms may use this change in language and apparent attitude as a shorthand for exerting their dominance rather than building on the relationship they have started.

I wonder what others think. Is it necessary to use harsh and demeaning language - or can a kind Dom find more expressive ways of exerting his dominance?

loss - bdsm break ups

Breaking up in any relationship can be very hard.

Is a break-up in a BDSM relationship more intense than other relationship break-ups?

I was talking with a friend a little while ago who had recently split from her partner. She was taking it very hard and finding it very difficult to get over. This was despite it being almost on the cards from the very start as her partner had a very volatile temperament.

It was though a BDSM relationship. My friend was the sub. So she had given her love as in any vanilla relationship. However she had opened herself totally in her submission, physically, emotionally and psychologically. Her partner knew her so intimately; owned her body and soul almost. Now she was gone...

Perhaps that can be the same in a vanilla relationship but I wondered if the nature of a BDSM relationship further heightened the feelings of distress and despair.

Do readers have a view on this, perhaps from their own personal experience?

New Year Resolutions...

Happy New Year everyone. Wishing you all a delightfully happy and kinky 2018.

Have you made any New Year resolutions? No I don't mean the boring ones like do more exercise, giving up smoking again and being much tidier. I am thinking of ones more on the kinky side. Are you going to find more interesting and imaginative ways of pleasing your Master? Are you going to search for even more inventive ways of tormenting your masochistic submissive? Or perhaps you have yet more interesting - or even mundane- BDSM related New Years resolutions to share.

I keep commenting to Inès that she really needs a spanking - usually when she has teased me at a time when she knows I am too tired or too busy to do so. I tell her she will get one later but of course she always "forgets" to remind me. This year I shall remind myself and she may get a few more of those deserved spankings! In fact I want to put much more time aside for that part of our life. We have both been busy with other stresses and commitments this last year which have got in the way of us making time for ourselves and kinky pleasures. So this year my resolution is to make much more time for deviant fun - and perhaps to try to attend a few events.