Goodbye for now

Forgive me - this is a sudden decision. I need to reflect and refocus.

I am going to cease my main blog activity for a while.

There will be no more posts or comments by Pygar or Beau for the time being. I have a post ready for the Uncle Agony site that I will post soon. After that I may copy any new emails to there but without my comments.

I had thought of closing the sites completely. I did that a few years ago on another blog of mine that was popular then. I had a huge reaction from upset readers. So this time I will leave the blogs open for others to continue to read or comment on. It is just that I will be taking no part for the time being.

I do apologise to all my readers. This has become a popular blog that continues to grow in its readership - and I know that is in part because of the very articulate and knowledgeable contributions in the comments. Thank you all. Thank you for your involvement, your patience and your kindness.

I apologise to friends. I am not far away but I may be a bit quieter for a while.

Again - thank you all

Love

Pygar xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The insecurities of a Dom

When I commented on another blog recently and mentioned my occasional insecurities as a Dom the writer expressed her surprise that Doms to could feel this way.

But we are only human and at times, like anyone else, will feel unsure and even some trepidation. To assume we can automatically fulfil any sub's needs smacks of arrogance. I believe an arrogant Dom can easily become a dangerous Dom.

Uncle Agony has recently received a letter from a new Dom. It is quite a fascinating and honest piece about trying to help his wife awaken her submissive desires whilst developing his own Dom nature. I think it has great potential. He is keen though to have some views from other subs that might help him in wakening his wife's submissive tendencies.

So if any of you who can remember the awakening of your own submissive nature would like to offer advice I know he would be grateful to hear from you - or from others who have supportive comments.

same sex sex

Why is it that many of the most beautiful women on BDSM contact websites all seem to be lesbians? It's not fair!!! If there is such a thing as incarnation then next time round I think I want to be a lesbian. No worries then about whether that erection is going to fail at just the wrong moment! See - even we Doms have our moments of insecurity and self doubt.

Though of course I too would then need to be a very beautiful lesbian to hope to compete with those whose pictures I have seen on the contact websites!

Although I think of myself as being quite adventurous sexually I am though turned off by the notion of male/male encounters. I have more than once had a threesome with two females - and find two women together very arousing. I was once at a group scene where there were just two women and many men but the contact between the men was very limited. So my experience of sex with another man is almost non existent and even the thought of it makes me shudder a little!

However ...

A little while ago I had a scene with a very attractive woman. We did not have full penetrative sex but there was a lot of intimate contact as well as BDSM fun. We'd spent some time together during the day before our intimate time and had lunch, drove around together and chatted about all sorts. We'd shared lots of emails over a period of time. There must have been lots and lots of clues but I didn't pick up on any of them.

It was only later that evening at home that I came to realise that she was a post-op transsexual. It was obvious really. I don't know how I could have missed it. When I realised I felt quite queasy for a while. Some very strange sensations went through me that I feel partly ashamed of. It was my innate prejudices about having sex with a man coming through in a very physical way.

But she wasn't a man. To all intents and purposes she was a fully functional woman. A beautiful woman. But ...

Although I am happy to remain a friend I could not bring myself to be intimate with her again.

It is a failing in me perhaps - something that I should try to get over. If I could come to enjoy sex with men as well as women ... well then that's twice as much fun I suppose. But I'm afraid the thought still makes me shudder.

Another friend has said to me that the transsexual woman should have been open with me about the fact. Part of me agrees (the part that still winces slightly as I recollect my time with her) but part of me thinks that she is proud now to be a woman and should make no apologies for her past male life. I wonder what others think.

guilt and inhibitions

I recently published a letter on Uncle Agony. Christina seems eager to explore new directions but finds she has many inhibitions and hang-ups that make it difficult for her. She feels this is caused by guilt as a result of her upbringing.

I have responded there briefly. I feel that she could be helped to do this if she has a patient and understanding lover and Master. However I have no direct experience of this scenario. If any of you have ideas perhaps you might comment there.

Thanks

- P

variety ...

... is the spice of life they say!

I thought soon after I had started this blog that I had written a post about how I would refer to Doms and subs on here. However I have looked back and can't find it so I'll try to write it now.

I am a male Dom who is attracted to female subs. However I am well aware that there are many situations where the Domme is female and where the the sub is male. Sometimes these may be same sex relationships.

Yes ... I know I am stating the bleeding obvious. However I decided when starting this blog to write in the language of male Dom and female sub. It is because that is my own situation and it avoided having to always write "Dom/Domme", "He/She" and "he/she". That just seemed clumsy and unnecessary. However, I know that I have a number of readers who may be a male sub or a female Domme and who may be in a same sex relationship. My use of language is not intended to show any disrespect to them and those close to them. If any readers do find my use of language problematic I hope they will contact me. I intend that all may feel welcome in this blog.

I hope readers know that I am not making any assumptions about the gender of Doms or subs in what I write here. I am assuming that the issues raised are the same whatever the sex mix of a relationship. But that may be an incorrect assumption - I know I have much to learn. There may be huge differences. In our society it is more traditional and perhaps accepted for the male to be more dominant and the female less so. I wonder if this has implications for relationships where the female is dominant and the male submissive. Can it cause problems in the way they are perceived by others? Is this the same with same sex relationships or is the gay community more accepting of a variety of sexual and relational proclivities?

pain

"Pain is the body releasing weakness."

This statement or something similar was displayed in a training area for soldiers undergoing special training. I suppose there are areas other than D/s where pain has to be seen as positive.

A switch friend wrote in her blog,

"... pain is extreme sensation, and is not necessarily bad or best avoided."

I reminded her of this, much to her chagrin, shortly before I started to beat her! We discussed the kinds of situations in which pain might be embraced and even requested.

But pain is in reality the body's way of warning of danger - that one could become or have already become injured. People who do not experience pain are in serious danger of coming to real harm.

But somehow BDSM has reclaimed pain as a positive thing - not necessarily bad or best avoided. An extreme sensation - to be embraced as with erotic sensation. Are these sensations so different? The look on the face of a woman experiencing ecstasy though orgasm is so similar to that when she experiences pain. I wonder if that is part of why I can enjoy inflicting pain whilst being a gentle person in other contexts?

I suppose we all have our own reasons for enjoying giving or receiving pain. Some switches enjoy both! I wonder how much my readers have pondered on their reasons for enjoying giving or receiving pain?

schoolgirl role play

I wrote a post last week entitled "age play". It was pointed out, correctly I think, that what I was discussing was not really age play. I think this may not be either but is perhaps related to it.

There are many - not necessarily of the BDSM community - who enjoy schoolgirl role-play. Escort friends have told me it is a popular request from clients. Many men seem to find the schoolgirl look - or the thought of spanking a "naughty schoolgirl" erotic. I have read discussions of this on escort message board sites. Punters and escorts seem to be at pains to insist that it is nothing to do with fantasies about having sex with or spanking real schoolgirls.

But ...

... it is something I am still very uncomfortable about.

Part of the reason is that in a previous area of my professional work I had to attend case conferences occasionally to discuss and decide action in relation to suspected cases of child abuse. Yes I know that in D/s role play and other fantasy role play it is not abuse or anything related to it ... but the connection is in my mind so I cannot use it as an erotic fantasy. It is the opposite - a real turn-off for me.

Maybe I am just missing something.

age play

I know there are many subs who like to call their Masters "Daddy". I suppose part of it is the feeling of care and support that they get from this.

I am not being critical of such couples but it is not for me. I would feel very uncomfortable if a sub called me "Daddy" - though I suppose honoured as well that they were perhaps expressing a deep level of love and trust towards me.

Does it help to explain my difficulties with this if we put it the other way round. Would others not be discomforted if I were to call a sub "daughter"?

age and experience

I sometimes wonder when I see female subs advertising themselves on contact sites who are still only eighteen or nineteen yet describe "several years" of "experience" on the "scene". Perhaps it is because I was much, much older before I felt mature enough and experienced enough to dip my toes so very tentatively into this area of life.

Can one know one is a sub at that age? Perhaps as with gender assignment or hetero/gay/bi sexuality some do know their true nature at that age ... but there is something about it that worries me a little. These are such complex areas of emotions and relationships where many very mature subs and Doms still struggle to understand their own feelings and nature. Perhaps it is a gift to be so very clear at such a young age.

Perhaps I am being overprotective of young women who truly know their own mind and nature.

But look at it the other way round. Would you be happy to submit to an eighteen year old Dom?

I suggest perhaps not ... but does not a sub also need experience and maturity as much as a Dom?

being lent to a stranger

The novel "The Story of O" starts with O being taken to a place where she will be used by strangers. It is a fantasy held by many perhaps and for most it will always remain just that.

toy wrote in her blog recently of being lent to a friend of her Owners. You can read it here: my Owner's friend. For the moment it is a fantasy or a threat. I guess though she is prepared for it to happen and would acquiesce as she is such delightfully obedient slut to her Owner.

First I should make something very clear. I do not normally discuss individuals here. I am interested in the discussion of ideas not of personalities. So what follows is not intended in an sense as any criticism of toy or of her Owner. I have known toy online for a long time. I regard her as an online friend. We have even played strip scrabble together online! (She beat me!) So my comment on her blog was spurred by my friendship rather than any negative thoughts.

It did make me think abut the principle of lending out a sub. I can imagine that frisson of fear and anticipation going through a sub if that was hinted at. I have remembered I once lent a sub to stranger - but in a very different way. This was a couple of years or so ago. I was going away for a long while and knew I would not be able to maintain regular contact with my online sub of that time for quite a few weeks. She was going through a difficult time and would miss my support. So I told her I was going to lend her out. I actually did so but it was to a female sub friend who we both knew. She managed to maintain giving my sub that helpful support while I was away - so there was no abuse involved in that - other than, possibly, the fright my sub had when I told her she was to be lent out!

Let us though get back to the scenario of a sub being lent to a stranger for his use.

A sub could refuse, walk away from it and even the relationship if necessary. To that extent it is consensual.

But if it is being done purely to please her Master - then is the act truly consensual? I have my concerns about the morality of this and the emotional security of the sub.

I hope I am not being "holier than though" about this for I have been involved myself in a similar situation. I was the "other man". I was given a woman to use for the afternoon. In that situation though it was the woman who wanted to be used by strangers. It was part of a journey of submission and humiliation that she craved for herself and was organised carefully by a Master and Protector.

I ensured first that the woman was totally happy with the arrangement. I hugged her at the start and made it clear she could leave then or at any time. I tried to make her feel safe. We had a good time and later she wrote of it in her online journal making it clear she had enjoyed it. I quoted it on my own blog then. She has become a friend and we correspond and meet occasionally.

So these things can work out well.

However the situations are slightly different. I was engaged in an activity that she had requested. That she wanted. It wasn't something that she did not want and was only enduring through pressure from her Master. As a responsible man I could not have "used" her if it had not been her wish - because she wanted it, not because she wanted to please her Master. If it had just been to please her Master I would have felt I was an abuser or even a rapist.

So I worry not just about an instruction to serve a stranger which may be designed to test loyalty and levels of submission but also about the position of the other man who may be prepared to abuse the sub with no questions asked.

For if it happens in the real world - not a blog fantasy - then is that not close to rape?

violence

In my last post "A contradiction" I found myself in the comments discussing the word "violence". It seemed the wrong word for what we do. "Violence" seems to include in its meaning an emotional connotation that is negative and the opposite of what is intended for instance in a spanking or beating in a D/s or BDSM context.

Tristan wrote "It's not the same thing as violence. ... It's just different."

Selkie emphasised the importance of motivation and the need for it to become a dynamic.

I continued to feel uncomfortable with the word "violence" and wondered whether it was possible to deny that a beating, a caning, a flogging or a spanking is actually a violent act within certain contexts. Then by chance I came across the following by Lady Alpha as I was looking through notes for future posts.

"By definition, 'violence' involves aggressive behaviour. By definition, 'aggressive' involves hostile behaviour. Therefore to be be violent, one must also be hostile.

"Clearly in consensual D/s, even if that consent is for subsequent non-consensual action, or is for behaviour which is challenging and painful, maybe even degrading, hostility is not present. The moment it is, D/s becomes abuse. So violence and 'D/s' as we know it cannot co-exist."

This seems to argue very articulately that if such an act take place within a consensual BDSM context then it cannot be said to be "violence".

I am tempted by this argument but still have some concerns. I would be interested in the views of others.

A contradiction

On Uncle Agony I recently published an excerpt from a new ebook by Vivian called "How to Get the Spanking You Want" Asking for It, Getting It & Making It Better.

In it she explains why many women who crave a spanking may find it difficult to persuade their husbands do it. She writes that, "... modern men have, by and large, been raised to believe it’s wrong and abusive to hit a woman for any reason at all. Period. End of discussion. This is probably where your man’s head is."

A sub friend of mine who could not persuade her husband to dominate her described the issue to me in exactly the same way.

But I am a "modern man" in that sense. I was brought up like that too. I still believe it is wrong to hit a woman - or a man or a child. It is not something I would do. Except ...

Am I not the same man who wrote a recent post about how much I wanted to beat a woman, to watch her wriggle and squirm? A blogging friend wrote and told me she had been surprised by the post. Had she forgotten I was a Dom?

So can I be both a "modern man" and a Dom? How do I resolve the contradiction?

youth versus experience

In a comment to my last post about Gor, Selkie wondered what happened to the middle aged women of Gor as all the women there seemed to be young, nubile slaves. It got me thinking again about how the supposed ideals of female beauty automatically seem to include youth. I know that men are often attracted to younger women and I cannot totally deny this in myself. Of course I can find young women attractive. However for me the ideal of female beauty is certainly not a very young woman. A chubby faced youngster cannot be beautiful as she has not the character on her face that is drawn by a few lines and creases. For me there needs to be that character for true beauty - so in this, older women can truly have the advantage. Perhaps one should search too for wisdom in a woman as well as physical beauty. Experience certainly helps to provide that.

This can apply the other way around. A couple of women have recently mentioned to me how attractive they find a particular young, male singer who is tall, dark and handsome and has a very fit and toned body. Of course I am not jealous (much!!!!) as I am sure they both also appreciate the lines of character and experience on my own face (written more in hope than expectation!)

So whilst any offers to me of a nubile, young Gorean slave would certainly not be turned away (if only!) I could be even more happy to accept an offer of a beautiful, middle aged slave!

Gor

When I was much, much younger I used to read science fiction novels occasionally. By chance I came across the novels of John Norman on the library shelves. Though many libraries have now removed them as some people found them offensive. They described the world of Gor where most women are slaves to their Gorean Masters. I enjoyed this element of the books though wished they had been slightly more explicit.

Gor was an imaginary planet many light years away but there are many today who try to live their lives according to Gorean principles. There are even some Gorean communities.

I find some of the Gorean ideas interesting and have used some at times. However for me living my life according to the dictates of a series of novels would feel much too limiting. I hate being bound by a series of rules - it is what makes me a Dom rather than a sub I suppose.

I am not trying to criticise those who do organise their lives in such a way. Part of me is jealous. I would love my own beautiful Gorean slave girl! But for me the is something just a bit too "Treckie"about the whole thing.

Thank You

Thank you to all who have now linked to Uncle Agony - and especially to those who have added such helpful comments there.

Now if any of you have a problem ...

... you know what to do!

The progress of Uncle Agony

Thank you to those of you who recommended that I start the Uncle Agony blog. It seems to have started off quite well.

Thank you especially to my friend Dragonfly who recommended it to readers of her Sisters in Submission blog here.

Two other blogging friends have linked to it. They are Bette Noir and Daddy's cutesypah. If any others have done so that I have missed - please let me know. I would be grateful though for more links from other blogging friends to hep increase its readership.

There are quite a number of letters of advice that have been published now with responses. A new one was published yesterday and another will be published later in the week.

The purpose of the blog was that those asking from advice would receive advice from a number of people. It was because I knew that I was not a font of wisdom that I thought of it - so that those who were troubled could benefit from a range of advice. So please, please if you visit Uncle Agony then feel free to comment. I can understand reluctance. It is difficult to set oneself up as having the right answer. I think we know that often there is no right answer - but support and good wishes from others in the community can often be so helpful. So do try to comment on the posts as you pass by.

Thank you.

not such a kind Dom ...

I want to beat her.

I'm not feeling angry or cross. I don't want to take out any frustrations on anyone.

No

I just want to see her bottom wriggle and her legs kick as it starts to get harder for her.

I want to take her close to that point where given a choice between saying "please hit me harder" and "please stop" she is almost ready to plead, "please stop." Perhaps I will take her right up to that point.

Then I will stroke and caress her bottom and kiss it gently.

I will take her in my arms and hold her tight and hug her close.

I will look into her sparkling eyes and bask in her beautiful smile.

training and conditioning

I just want to come back to the arguments I was struggling to make in my earlier post about conditioning. I'm not sure I have managed to express myself well - or can do so any better now.

I think I was wondering whether "training", which is a concept often taken on board in D/s relationship, whilst often appropriate within such a relationship could become a problem if that relationship were to end. I discussed it earlier in relation to conditioning that might be difficult to undo at the end of a relationship. But is that just a risk one has to take within a committed D/s relationship? Is it any different from someone having the name of a loved partner tattooed onto their arm?

I think for me it was the psychological and emotional nature of the conditioning that seemed a problem - but why should this be the case more than a physical modification?

Perhaps in the end if there is a commitment then there may be risks that one has to accept. But I think too that in "training" or "conditioning" - as with instructions for permanent physical change - that a Dom should recognise implication of what he is doing. Permanent modification of any sort is not to be taken lightly - whether it is physical, emotional or psychological.

emotional sadism

A recent writer to Uncle Agony got me thinking about emotional sadism.

I recognise there is some inherrent sadism in me - that I can get enjoyment from inflicting pain in certain rcumstances. But those circumstances are a scenario within which the person receiving the pain is also gaining some fulfillment from the activity.

I am not sure though that a person receiving emotional sadism can get fulfillment in the same way - or if so whether it is healthy.

There are I am sure emotional masochists - but is that a healthy place be? Should a kind Dom feed emotional maochism?

conditioning

I have just published a new post on the Uncle Agony blog here.

It is an email from a woman who has been conditioned by her Dom so that she can only have an orgasm when given permission. She has now left her Dom and finds that she cannot break that conditioning. She finds herself unable to orgasm and is finding that very stressful.

Having to ask permission before coming to orgasm is something that many Doms require of their subs. That control of a sub's sexuality is something that many Doms and subs find erotic and satisfying. It can be seen as part of a sub's "training".

The emails from my sub friend have made me wonder about the ethics of this if it goes so far as to become conditioning. A sub may be parted permanently from her Master not just through a breakdown in the relationship but also for instance through a tragic bereavement. Would a Dom really want his sub to be left unhappy, frustrated and unsatisfied in such a way?

There may well be other aspects of training becoming conditioning that could prove equally problematic.

Uncle Agony

I have started the new blog. You can find it here.

The purpose of the blog is to air some of the requests for advice that I have received publicly - but anonymously. Readers are invited to contribute their advice through the comments. Please ensure that comments are intended kindly and supportively. I know regular readers of this blog will comment helpfully.

If anybody has a question or problem that they would like airing there - then please email me.

I would be grateful for links from blogs and any other publicity that you can give. I will of course try to provide reciprocal links.

why it went so well

Forgive me for returning to my time with lili - it is hard to dismiss it from my mind. It went so very well and I want to share with you my reflections on some of the factors that helped it go so well.

First of all we trusted each other very much. lili knew she was safe with me and I trusted her to be open and honest with me. It helped make much of what we did possible. lili knew that I would not harm her. It enabled her to let herself go in ways that might otherwise have been impossible.

We were also completely open and honest with each other. We were open about our desires. There was no fear or shame in this for either of us. So we were able to try to fulfil each other's fantasies.

We wanted it to be good for each other so we listened to each other. We watched out for possible signs of distress or potential problems to head them off before they caused difficulties. This helped to further develop our trust.

We tried to start slowly and build up gently ... but we seemed to move at quite a pace and did more than I had expected. However there is still lots more that we want to try - and know now that we can make work, building on our successful time together.

Some may see some of this as topping from the bottom - but to me it was two people with genuine care and affection for each other trying to bring each other's fantasies true. To that end we were very successful.

I hope this is helpful to others.

I am going to be away over the Easter weekend but will write of the new blog on my return.

home again

Thank you for the supportive comments below while I have been away. I am persuaded by the positive response to the idea of the new blog and will start it soon.

Thank you also for the kind comments wishing me well in my rendezvous. I am sure they helped!

She and I have been online friends for a long time now with only a short break after our brief online D/s relationship had to end. Since then our friendship has grown. We met for only a very short time a few weeks ago. That went well. We were eager to meet again and have some quality time together where we could for just a short time explore the possibilities of what submission and domination might be like for us together in the real world.

We have grown to trust each other and respect each other. It felt as if so much might be possible.

But real life is different from online. Just being with someone 24/7 for a few days who one only really knows from emails and blogs is fraught with problems. Even people very close to each other can irritate each other and fall out when on top of each other. She and I are also used to having a lot of space to ourselves. So this was fraught with danger from the start.

So how did we cope?

Well I drove across the country to meet a beautiful woman. She is beautiful. I am in awe of her beauty.

She became again My beautiful woman.

Very soon she became my beautiful slut.

Faster than I would have believed possible she also became my beautiful pain slut.

Mine.

That beautiful woman. I became aware too of the variety of her beauty - how it changed and developed in different contexts.

We lost track of time. I often had no idea of what the time was or even what day it was. We forgot to eat. We forgot to sleep. We had other things to do that seemed so much more important. We were just wrapped up in each other - in each others needs and desires.

We had fun. We had great fun.

I will not go into salacious detail here ... but perhaps lili or Beau may do soon in their blogs. I have not decided yet.

It was a very special time. We both felt it. We both learned and grew from our time together.

It worked because we cared for each other, we trusted each other and we respected each other.

Whatever happens in the future I will remember our far too short time together with great fondness for as long as my memory remains intact.

I hope though now she is a beautiful woman again ... that at some time she may if even briefly become my beautiful woman again.

Thank you lili.

Thank you so very, very much.

while I am away ...

I am going away ~ soon ~ for a few days salacious fun with a deeply sensual and desirable submissive woman.

I am sure my energies and thoughts will be directed at her and that could leave me with little time to write here.

So in the meantime I wonder if you can help me dear readers? I am thinking of starting yet another blog - not to replace the Pygar blog but in addition to it. I am unsure if this is a good idea as I have more than enough blogs already. Also I may have a little less uninterrupted time at the computer soon. However if there is enough interest in it and I can organise it without too much trouble then I may give it a go.

Since writing Pygar I have received a number of letters from subs asking me for advice about personal and relationship problems. I have no particular expertise in this area but I have always tried to respond honestly and kindly usually stressing the importance of communications. It has often struck me though that there are others who read my blog and comment who have more experience and wisdom than me. I wondered what advice they might have given.

So my idea is that subs or Doms with a D/s relationship issues or personal problems could write to Pygar - or I may set up a separate email address. Pygar would then publish the letter anonymously on the new blog, possibly comment himself and invite comments from readers. I would moderate the comments to ensure nothing deliberately hurtful or abusive was written.

In the UK magazines often have problem pages where people share personal problems and an "agony aunt" gives advice. So I have come up with the title - "Uncle Agony" - which fits with the D/s theme! I have even designed a template to get it started quickly if I decide to go ahead.

However there is only any point if people write in with their problems and if others are kind enough to offer honest advice. So what do you think dear readers? Is it worth a try?

I would be very grateful for your advice or other thoughts on the idea.

on being a slut

I called her "my slut" often. She revelled in it. She delighted in having rediscovered her sensuality and a powerful sexual desire. It had not always been like this. At the start she made it clear she did not want to be called a "slut" or a "whore". She was neither of these things. She could not understand how being addressed in this way would support her journey into submission.

But her submission made her wet. It filled her with desire. She cried out for release. She wanted release over and over. She started to call herself a slut. My slut. She became proud to be my slut.

She and I knew that this word is used as a term of abuse often by men but also often by other women towards a woman because of her active sexuality. If a man has several partners then other men are jealous. It is seen as a sign of virility. It can be regarded as a positive characteristic. Women are often drawn to such men rather than being repelled by their behaviour. Their sexual virility is in itself alluring. However if a woman has several partners, flaunts her sexuality or dresses in a sexually provocative manner this is often seen negatively by society and condemned. The word "slut" is then often used as a term of abuse against such women. In "real life", outside of the special D/s world we shared, I would never call anyone a slut. It is a horrible word in that context and not one that it would occur to me ever to use. However it is all a matter of context and understanding.

So when I called her my slut that was in the context of our relationship. Out in the day to day world of her profession and her friends she was a slightly cool and reserved woman. Nobody would have called her a slut.

In real life she would never have been called a slut but I noticed her beginning to loosen a little and enjoying expressing a little more slight intimacy and contact and becoming pleased by the results. But in our relationship we were inhabiting a special private place where we could be things that society might not like and that we might not dream of being out in that real world.

In our special place I wanted her to be a wanton woman who could be as sexually open and active as she desired with no expectations of society to hold her back. I wanted her to want sex with her Master, to crave it, to crave his sexual pleasure too. I wanted her to be totally uninhibited about it. So if I called her a slut we had turned the value judgement part of the meaning of the word around. It was no longer a term of abuse because in the relationship we had created to be wanton and sexually active was a positive trait not a negative one. So being a slut became an expression of praise rather than admonishment. I wanted her to be my slut. That was part of her purpose in the world we had created. If it gave her an additional frisson because it was something "forbidden" that she was doing, that she had found a safe place to be "bad", then all to the good. Sometimes using the word "slut" can heighten that sense.

So she was my slut. I had perhaps helped to create that slut. We both had fun with her being my slut.

But just recently another friend called herself a slut - though I thought with some reservation - as if she was worried she should feel some shame about a recent sexual adventure. I hope she can reclaim the word "slut" as a positive characteristic - as a woman who is confident about her sexuality and is prepared to have fun in the ways that she wants as long as she hurts nobody else.

beautiful women

Thank you to all who responded with such kind comments to the previous post.

I wonder if the subs who commented, with the permission of course of their Masters, might carry out this task for me. (Sorry to leave you out Tristan - perhaps you might like to instruct pet do do it!) Any other subs who feel like giving it a try are welcome to join in!

Look into the mirror and say all together . . .

one . . .

two . . .

three . . .

"I am a beautiful woman."

Well done. Thank you.

Good girls.

a beautiful woman

I had undressed her. She was standing naked before me. She looked embarrassed and had her head down. I made her lift her head proudly.

"You are a beautiful woman. What are you?"

"I am a beautiful woman Sir," she replied nervously, unconvinced.

Soon she was looking down again so this was repeated.

Later we were snuggled in bed together naked and happy.

I looked into her bright and sparkling eyes.

"What are you?"

"I am your beautiful woman."

The smile on her face as she spoke was the most beautiful you can imagine. I can see it still.

kneeling

For lili ...

I placed a cushion by my feet and asked her to kneel for me.

She had knelt for me many times before. However I had never been there when she had done so. My instructions to her had been through emails.

Now she was kneeling in front of me for the very first time.

At my instruction she had fetched something that she used to wear as a symbol of her submission to me. I attached it to her. She was mine again.

I took her hand. I held it firmly in one hand and stroked it gently with the other.

I felt happy and at peace with her there before me. I felt a sense of power and a gentle warm glow.

I had imagined this scene for so long. It was different from in my imagination - but so wonderful for its reality.

I desired her so much.

I talked of complications and issues for us both. She understood all that as well as I.

I stroked her hand.

I wanted her.

I hoped she wanted me too.

At last.

Kneeling.

Before me.

Such a precious gift.

Thank you.
- P xx

trust

I have written about trust often before - as have others in their comments. About how important it is in any relationship - but most especially in a D/s relationship.

It is so hard to build. It takes honesty and openness from both sides. Once built it is very precious. However it is also very fragile.

It just slipped from my fingers for a moment when I wasn't holding it carefully enough. It is so easy to damage. I hope it is just cracked and can be mended with care and effort. I promise to try hard to do so. I will be desolate if it is broken.

begging

A previous sub of mine once wrote on her blog that begging was a hard limit. She was a wonderfully obedient sub - whilst in other contexts she can be a very assertive woman. Letting go of that assertiveness enough to be able to beg though was something she could not and had no desire to be able to do.

Recently I have had an email exchange with another sub friend about begging and pleading. She feels it is an attempt to get someone to do something against their inclination - perhaps topping from the bottom. But it is clearly ingrained in her nature too as something she would find very hard to do.

I wonder though if begging could be at the heart of total and complete submission. When one has given up all power then begging is all one has left.

Also begging is seen as a humiliating and demeaning activity. Maybe that is why some subs like it but others hate it.

needs and desires

In conversations with sub friends, the experience of having had their submissive needs awakened has been mentioned several times. I have often wondered in what sense these are needs - or whether they are just strong desires. However I am not a sub so cannot speak from first-hand experience.

In comments to my previous post released there was agreement from a few commenters that to put submission "back in the box" once it had been awakened might be impossible. I was interested in this in relation to the points I have just made so I suggested that a sub blogger might like to follow it up.

Well - little did I realise what that would stimulate. Selkie has followed it up with a thorough, thoughtful, well argued and thought provoking series of posts. There are four in total. The final one is here and has links to the previous three. Do pop over and have a read. I am interested in others responses from their own personal perspectives.

Thank you Selkie.

have I learned anything?

swan asked in a comment below if I had learned anything from the failure of the relationship that I described here. She wondered if I would do things differently if the circumstances arose.

I do want to learn from this. It is important to always continue to learn. I am sure I will do and I have been reflecting upon it. I wrote last year about a previous parting. I reflected a lot on that and wrote about some of it in this blog - last May I think if you want to look back. I did learn from that a lot. It also made me a little more cautious about my emotions and protecting them. But that is hard in such relationships.

If one does not give an emotional commitment then it cannot work. So there is bound to be sadness. I am pleased that my friend asked for release now rather than in some months time - when our emotional commitment would have grown so strong. Then I know I would have been badly hurt - and may have badly hurt another. If it was not going to work then I am grateful to her for having the common sense and strength to stop it before we both became damaged by it.

The thing I have reflected upon is the intensity of the relationship - and the extent that might have been created by my approach or whether it is just inherent in the D/s dynamic. I know that previous online relationships I have been involved in have also become very intense very quickly. That is not necessarily a bad thing. It can be very seductive and give extreme pleasure. In a sense it is what it is all about. But if it catches one unawares then problems can arise. I was aware that such intensity could arise quickly and warned my sub of this at the start. That is not to say that I shouldn't have perhaps realised she was getting caught up in it more quickly than she had believed possible at the start. But we are all adults - and when she did realise she sensibly put a stop to it. However if she hadn't then perhaps she could have been damaged by the experience, rather than enhanced by it in the way I had hoped.

So I have had reinforced the dangers of how such relationships can become so very life affecting - and my own responsibilities in ensuring a sub who has given herself to me to care for is not hurt by the experience. I need to reflect on my responsibilities to ensure I do not harm someone who has put her trust in me.

released

It came out of the blue.

She asked to be released.

It was an online relationship. We had hardly known each other long. In truth we were still getting to know each other - though a bond and affection had grown quickly. I had warned her at the start that such relationships can become very intense. She had thrown herself into it with gusto - becoming far more submissive and sensuous than she had imagined posible at the start. Perhaps that was the problem.

She'd had a weeks holiday and time to reflect - even though she was keeping up to her reduced daily tasks. She realised that embracing her submission had consequences for her daily life. Her work was suffering. She was neglecting her friends. The sexual energy she chose to expend on me left little for her husband. The growing deceit was hard to maintain. The time she set aside for creative thought was now taken up with erotic reverie. Household tasks were being left undone. She had been taken over so completely by her submission.

So before she fell back into that safe space of submission - she reasserted herself and asked for release.

I think she did right.

I had written for her some overriding instructions. In summary these said that she should look after herself physically, emotionally and psychologically. She should do nothing to harm herself in these ways or to damage her relationships with family or friends or her standing in the community or at work.

But her very submission to me was in conflict with these overriding instructions.

So in a way - asking for release was carrying out my instructions. There was a contradiction that in continuing to submit to me the consequence would be to break those instructions I had carefully put in place. I wanted her to grow through submission to me rather than be diminished. But for her it was having the opposite effect. So she did right and I am pleased she did so before real damage had been caused.

That does not stop a sadness we might both share for the loss of what might have been.

I hope though that we have both learned from this.

I wish her well and every happiness.

being teased

I think all my subs seem to have teased me - and that continues to this day!

I rather enjoy it. I think some Doms can take themselves far too seriously. I feel it shows self confidence in my position as Dom - but others may feel that being teased by their sub undermines the nature of their relationship.

Perhaps some would say I am not taking it seriously enough.

Valentine Greetings

I would like to wish a happy Valentine's Day to all my readers.

I hope you get to celebrate it in wickedly salacious and erotic ways ...

;)

topping from the bottom

This phrase is often used to describe a situation where a sub uses her wiles to get her own way, perhaps sometimes in a manipulative manner. It tends to be regarded as very bad form - and implies a weakness in the Dom.

I am wanting to suggest that it may sometimes be no bad thing - and if communications are good should never be necessary.

I once talked with a sub who felt that tears could be used in a manipulative way to reduce a punishment and was critical of it as "topping from the bottom". However she was happy to talk of how she would leave a longer time in counting the strokes in a caning to indicate the effect of each stroke to her Dom. Was that communicating or was she too topping from the bottom?

Yes the dynamic is of course all about the sub being controlled, of the Master's wishes being all important. But surely in a good, trusting and respectful D/s relationship the Dom has a duty and responsibility to try to meet the needs and desires of his sub. Surely that is part of the agreement. His sub has given herself to him - but in the expectation that doing so will also meet her needs. Is finding a way of communicating her needs to be dismissed as topping from the bottom?

If she is reduced to trying to manipulate a scene - or even fundamentals of the relationship ... then couldn't that imply that quality communication has broken down?

pain

Lady Alpha wrote in a comment to an earlier post that,
"... pain is generally perceived by the population to mean something that should be avoided. Even coupling the word 'exquisite' with 'pain' doesn't seem to get the message across: pain is extreme sensation, and is not necessarily bad or best avoided."

I do not like feeling pain. I am quite a wimp really! So I am full of admiration for subs who undergo pain as part of a scene. I would not normally deliberately cause anyone pain. But within a D/s dynamic, within a BDSM encounter pain can be an essential and fulfilling part. I have had a sub request more pain from me - more strokes - harder. She needed that within the context of the encounter to fulfil her desires and needs.

It can be interesting to investigate sensations - to try to find the point where a pleasurable sensation turns to discomfort and where discomfort turns to pain. It can be fascinating to investigate where pain can be pleasurable and where pleasure can be painful.

The endorphins created by pain can give great pleasure - it is similar to athletes pushing themselves in a painful way and getting an endorphin rush that helps them to extreme performance. Many subs like to push themselves in the same way, helped by the same endorphin rush.

Within a D/s relationship pain can also be part of the establishment of a relationship of control - the administering and receipt of, say, a spanking establishes the whole nature of the relationship.

For some spanking or being spanked can be the totality of the BDSM and D/s aspect of the relationship. They just like spanking!

I have only touched the surface here I am sure - and there may be many subs who enjoy spanking or more extreme pain in a D/s relationship who may be able to explain much better.

It is also the responsibility of a Dom to ensure that the context of the administration of pain is such as to enable the sub to gain satisfaction, fulfilment - and yes even pleasure - from the scene.

As Lady Alpha says, pain is extreme sensation. Perhaps rather than just not necessarily being avoided - there may be circumstances where it is to be embraced.

the eroticism of power

I wrote last of the erotic power of submission. Of how submission to me was powerful. How it could arouse me in a very strong physical sense. Some subs wrote that the act of submission had the same effect on them - that there was an eroticism in the relationship.

There is a flip side to this though that does not feel to me so positive.

I am not aroused by my own power - or I think not - I am aroused by the woman's submission to me. But is this not the same? That would worry me though.

Power too has a strong erotic force. Many women are attracted by power. Would Monica Lewinsky have been drawn to service Bill if he had just been a bloke she met in a bar? There are numerous examples in British politics of senior politicians of a certain age and without obvious physical attractions having affairs with beautiful younger women. Presumably these women are attracted by the power of the men. It arouses them in the same way that submission arouses me.

This may be the case also with the legion of examples of older businessmen having young, beautiful, "trophy" wives. There is sometimes an assumption that they have been attracted by their husbands money. But could it be their power that attracts them?

This is often abused by men in powerful positions. They know the effect of their power and influence. They could perhaps be helpful in ensuring promotion if only ...

So women may provide favours and may even occasionally receive preferment as a result. So unscrupulous men abuse their power because some women make use of it.

I have been in senior positions with power over the preferment of female staff. I have never misused that position in this way and have never been tempted to. However I know of one example of a senior colleague who had a reputation for appointing pretty women and having affairs with them. This was despised by male and female colleagues but he seemed to get away with this abuse of power.

There is also the point that in analysis of rapes that the perpetrators do not do it for sex - but to exert their power over a woman.

So whilst power may be an attractive quality in a Dom, one that is desirable to his sub ... there are aspects of use of this power with which, even as a Dom, I find very uncomfortable.

The erotic power of submission

I wonder if many submissives understand the power they wield by the very act of their submission. It is an erotic power.

It has happened to me often when reading an email. Typically an email that has no salacious content, nothing especially expressing submission - but from a woman who I know submits to my will. I have become aroused. Hard with desire. Just from the knowledge of her submission to me.

This is not the power of one particular woman. It has happened to me innumerable times with more than one woman who has given me the privilege of being her Master.

ideas and posts ...

I've got lots of ideas for new post - honest I have. It is just trying to find the time to write them that is hard.

So in the meantime pop in and see my friend lili.

She has started posting again. So catch her while you can. She could also do with a few hugs at the moment. Send her my love.

More tears

Thank you again for all those who commented on the first tears post. This is such a personal area and it was good to begin to understand different perspectives.

Selkie also published a post about tears. You can read it here. In it she explains how for some women it can feel to be a weakness to cry and why many strive to avoid tears in certain situations.

I remembered too a discussion with a sub a long time ago - where she felt that some subs in a difficult scene might use tears as a kind of "topping from the bottom" to try to control the scene and the level of intensity. She was somewhat critical of this. Though I will talk in another post about topping from the bottom.

Tears certainly can be used by some women to manipulate some men. I guess this is done in a conscious way by some women but in others might just be learned behaviour - that tears help them to get what they want. Whilst I am very moved by tears and want to console and help a person in distress I have personally never felt manipulated by them. (Well there is one person but that is a very long story!)

I was once a senior manager in charge of a medium sized organisation. My deputy at one time was very firm and appeared quite hard to staff. But with me when we were discussing difficult issues she often came to tears. We had a professional relationship and we would get past that. It never affected our decision making. I was worried though about her ability to take over if I was to leave because of this propensity. However she eventually took over quite successfully and presumably found another outlet for her emotional frustration. Or perhaps when I left she didn't have the same frustrations that drove her to tears! There was many other times with staff where there were tears but I cannot recollect ever feeling manipulated by them or changing a decision because of them. Am I so very hard!?

I know some strong women too can be angry and frustrated when they see other women using tears manipulatively as a means of getting their way rather than through more appropriate ways.

my tears

I shed a tear today. I was watching the presidential inauguration of Barack Obama.

I hope he may turn into a great man. The world needs one just now.

Tears

Tears ...

I had a session with a sub I have met a couple of times just a month or so ago. Near the beginning she started to cry. She is into humiliation and degradation which isn't my thing - but I aim to please! So as she was pleasuring me I started describing something she had done recently with another Dom that she had written about and saying what a cheap slut she was.

I suddenly realised that he was crying. I had hit a nerve - psychologically rather than physically. I stopped the scene. I took her into my arms and held her and just hugged her as she sobbed until she was done. Then we lay down together and cuddled and chatted and discussed the issues until she was ready to start again.

She is an experienced sub. She has taken some fairly hard strokes of the cane and crop from me without flinching ... but a few words ... ?

Tears can come very unexpectedly.

I have a very close online friend who was my pupil. She can be brought to tears easily by the thought of injustices in the world or just by melodramas. But she cannot cry for herself. She feels she needs to cry for herself to get out all the hurt and pain that has built up from the abuse she has suffered from so many for so long. But she cannot do it. She cannot cry for herself. She has written of wanting to be beaten to make her cry. To make her cry for herself. I don't think I am that strong. I wrote her a story of it to explain. I know I could hold her close in my arms to kiss away the tears ... but I am unsure I could beat her so hard. I am not sure any Dom could. She is very strong and very determined.

There is no weakness in tears. I can be brought to tears myself so easily - too easily perhaps since the consequences of some personal circumstances in my life. Too many men feel that tears are not for them - so women can get catharsis from their pain through tears - whereas for men the catharsis is too often through anger or uncontrolled violence. Of the two I feel that tears are the more preferable. So there can be something positive in tears.

But to set out to create tears ... there has to be a context I suppose.

Are there readers who cry in bdsm scenes? Are there those who try to create tears? Is crying positive or negative for you?

What does it take to make you cry? Do you get catharsis from tears? Do you want someone to kiss them away? Do you want someone to create those tears?

a new blog

I had a discussion with Lady Alpha last week. She is fascinating and very experienced. She had so many interesting things to say that I suggested that she too might start a blog. She surprised me by announcing that she had set one up that very morning.

It is in its early stages but she already has a few posts written. You can find it here. Do pop in and say hello.

poly relationships ...

It can sound such fun - two subs for the price of one! Though it always seems to be two or more subs with the one Master - rather than the other way around! I don't suppose that would work. Though there are Masters who lend out their subs - perhaps that is the equivalent. (I have just recollected also Dom/Domme couples who share a sub.)

Contact websites often include requests for another sub to join an established D/s relationship.

I wonder how well these relationships work in reality. We have often talked here of the importance of trust. I guess in a polyamorous relationship that aspect of trust is all the more necessary. I wonder how one stops jealousy coming in to the mix? Sharing can sometimes be very hard. Maybe it just needs even more quality communication than in a two-person relationship?

A reader wrote to me a little while ago about the fact that her relationship with her Master was about develop to include a close female friend of hers. At the start though there was a concern about communications and a worry started to niggle. Talking it through sorted it out ... but even amongst close friends there was perhaps the hint of jealousy right at the very beginning.

I hope it is working well for them now.

today ...

... I was going to catch up on answering all the recent comments from kind readers over the festive season. I was going to publish a new and stimulating (ahem) post.

I was going to climb a mountain, compose a symphony, make love to a beautiful woman, cook a gourmet meal, throw a snowball, write my life-story ...

Ooops, sorry, slipping into fantasy there!

But the day disappeared. However, I did some important jobs and went for a walk and took down all the Christmas decorations and chatted with a friend.

Tomorrow I will be a kind Dom and will blog. I promise!