Seasonal Greetings

I am afraid life is very hectic at the momentbut normal service will be resumed as soon as possible.

In the meantime I would like to wish the compliments of the season to all my readers. Wishing peace and joy to you all.

Beau will no doubt be publishing something slightly more salacious!

a final post on tears

I hadn't planned to write any more about this. However I just wanted to discuss the really interesting comments that were made to my last post, "what makes you cry?"

First - many thanks to themonkeysjourney, Collared Cassaundra, nbs, Hisprecious slave. Monica, Jen, LizLeia, and  original_me, They have written very personal accounts of what makes them cry that are very distinct. Each is fascinating in its own way. (Though girl with red nipples is receiving regular spankings for her comment. "Mushy Dom" indeed!!! Well - she is just receiving regular spankings anyway! Such fun.)

It was interesting to read how the ability to shed tears could change over time - or how different types of tears might be shed at different parts of one's life.

Such a variety of things caused tears - overwhelming feelings, gratitude, vulnerability, the hardness of life, the past, sadness and happiness, pain, internal conflict, movies and other media, love, failure, fear, trauma, gratitude, cruelty to and the suffering of others and animals, failing others, incomprehension, inability to deal with emotions, loss and grief, praise and affection, stories and so much more

Some talked of shedding tears for others rather than for themselves.

Crying could be satisfying, cathartic, with feelings of release and exhaustion  There was even the possibility of addiction to tears

Though for another crying invoked feelings of a mixture of "failure and fear" 

Trust in a Master often provided the safety of a good relationship in which tears could be shed.

One though talked very honestly of using crying as a manipulative tool. The aim was to get something rather than to express something. I wonder how many others may have used tears in this way and whether it can then almost become unconscious in its use.

It was of course all far more complicated than this - so please do try to read through the originals if you have time. Many are very moving.

what makes you cry?

We have talked a lot about tears - but what makes you cry?

Is it physical things? Humiliating things? Hurtful things? Criticism? Lack of power and influence? Failure? Relationship problems?

A friend once said she could not cry for herself. She would cry for others. She would shed tears at the thought of the suffering of those she would never meet. But she could not cry for herself and her own suffering, past and present. She wanted to cry because there was such intense hurt deep inside her. She asked me to beat her to tears. I knew though that I was not strong enough and did not attempt it. In the end though I saw her shed a tear through my kindness. Kindness can be very powerful.

It is something that often can bring me to tears - the kindness of strangers.

So what brings tears to your eyes?

an award!!!!!!

Monkey has very kindly nominated me (and Beau!) for a Liebster award. Now I'm not sure exactly what a Liebster award is but it was very good of her. She has written some very kind words about this blog and my other blog written as Beau here.

In fact she says she prefers the blog I write as Beau. That is very encouraging as I was planning to try to get it going again. I have a few posts ready to upload there so do pop in now and again.

I'm afraid I'm not very food at all teh question and answer part of these awards so I'll leave that to Beau.

Again monkey - thank you very much and good luck on your journey.

more about tears ...

LizLeia just published a kind comment on my previous post about "tears" here.

She discovered the post while researching why men find tears a sign of weakness and found it refreshing that Doms could talk of weeping and showing emotion openly. So she has presented us with the following question:

"A question to Pygar and the other Doms: what does your sub do that allows you to feel so free to express this? Question for the subs: How do you feel when your Dom cries in front of you? Thanks!"

 I will be interested to read the answers too!

at the moment ...

... I'm still in the middle of major changes to my life.

So forgive me if I am not here often. I have only occasional internet access while I am in transition. I will respond to recent comments as soon as I can. Thank you for them.

In the meantime you might be interested in this email which I recently received from The Institute of Arts and Ideas.

Dear Pygar,

I think you might be interested in a new video that's just been released, Venus in Furs. It's a discussion of BDSM relationships and pornography, and looking at some of the moral and cultural concerns that some people have with them. It's a pretty interesting and frank discussion, so I hope you enjoy it, and consider sharing a link with your readers.

Thanks very much,
Dominic Preston

It is basically a video of a very interesting discussion about bdsm and sexuality. It considers many of the ethical issues that we have discussed here and others. I hope you might find it interesting. Do let me know what you think.

Venus in Furs

changes ...

There are some major upheavals in my life at the moment. No doubt the fall-out may last some time. However in time I hope it will all be for the good - for everyone involved.

No doubt I will be blogging about it here soon!

Wish me luck.

within and without

When I know she is fully committed and is feeling secure in our relationship then I can order her to do anything, control her totally, dismiss her complaints as mere whining and berate her for her behaviour. It is what she needs.

However when she is doubting, genuinely needing more than I can give and expresses this - then at times she still may need berating and controlling - just be told how it has to be. However, I find that harder to balance. If she is not totally happy in giving herself to me then I cannot use her.

There is a danger then of a downward spiral where I am not giving her what she needs, so she doubts more so then I am even less able to meet her needs.

We need to build on an upward spiral again.

I wonder if other couples go through such times?

a comment on self harm and BDSM

I wrote about this below and had some very interesting and informative replies. Many of them were from personal experience.

melinda Sweetgirl has just commented on the post. For those of you who may have missed it - I think it deserves a read. You can find it here.

tears

Maryann Lovejoy suggested spanking a partner to tears in a comment to a post on Uncle Agony. (Do read the full comment in context here.)

I remember writing a story about this for a friend a long time ago. (I must hunt it out.) She had often said she wanted to be spanked to tears. She had so much grief and distress welling up inside her but could not let it out. She could only cry for others but not for herself.

So she wanted to be spanked or beaten until she cried.

I am not sure I would have been strong enough. I know I did not try. Though in the end I brought her to tears through kindness instead.

I am lucky in having a woman now who is mine. I can do what I want with her. I can spank her and beat her as hard as I want. I am not sure though that I could spank her to tears. She is very strong. I am not sure what purpose spanking her to tears would serve and I feel it could be cruelty. I will discuss it with her.

I know for some that tears can be a great catharsis. They can help one feel better and move on.

I have cried in front of my submissive woman but I am not sure she has cried in front of me.

It can be a strength to cry.

To be happy to shed tears in front of another can show trust and be a sign of ones closeness.

Do you cry? For some it is too easy, for others too hard. Have you been beaten to tears? Would you like to be?

Or ... do you beat your sub to tears? How do you both feel about that?

wild cat at Uncle Agony

I received an email recently from wild cat for inclusion on the Uncle Agony blog. It is an interesting question as it combines together a few different issues that others have raised. I hope you might have time to have a look and add a comment.

You will find the email and my response here.

new to all this

Since starting this blog I occasionally get emails from readers asking me for advice. That is very flattering and I always try to reply honestly and supportively. However I know that I am not the font of all knowledge - especially in this area. That is why I set up the Uncle Agony blog. It was a place where with agreement with the writer - I could share emails so that others could offer their perspective and advice.

I have noticed though that a number of emails have been from female subs new to this world. They often have little knowledge and sometimes false preconceptions of what their role should be and of what they should expect from a dominant partner. Many seem to feel that they have given up rights and that they should accept anything that a dominant demands. They worry that if things go wrong it must be their own fault as they are inexperienced and less knowledgeable.

I worry that many new subs are in a vulnerable position and place themselves in situations where manipulative or ignorant Doms can abuse them.

This may not even be with people new to this life. A sub friend who had been abandoned by her Dom after many years discovered that her preconceptions were wrong when she met with new Doms and that she had been misled and used badly by her Dom during that time. Another, partly from reading this blog, realised she was being abused rather than in a true D/s relationship and got divorced.

The purpose of this blog was to investigate ethical issues relating to D/s - partly to help me formulate my own thoughts and to investigate potential contradictions. It saddens me though that there are those who may be being manipulated and abused by unscrupulous people who misuse power over those who trust them.

self harm and BDSM

I discovered recently that someone who was once very close to me has started cutting herself. I had suspected for some time that she might have been considering this and had worried about it. I know she would not welcome any contact from me so I feel helpless in being unable to offer her support. In any case I do not know what that support could be other than friendship and kindness which she has already rejected.

I have always been very squeamish and find blood or even the thought of cutting skin very upsetting and off-putting. I find it hard to read positive statements from those who self harm about the beauty and satisfaction of the blood following the knife.

It made me reflect too on the fact that there are many in the BDSM world who enjoy knife play and blood and playing with needles. I wondered how this differed from self harm if the power was given to someone else to do the cutting and piercing. Is the desire for it the same as in self harm or is the BDSM context totally different, meeting very different needs?

switching

Katastrophe asked in a comment here about switching - where one may move between sub and Dom roles in a relationship or between relationships.

For some it can enhance a relationship - twice the fun! I suppose too that if one can take both roles then one can appreciate better what it is like for the other and empathise with ones partner. While I think that empathy is good and that a Dom should try to have a good understanding of what it is like for their partner I'm afraid I find the idea of submission for myself very difficult. Perhaps I do not have the courage!

I know some who have different roles with different partners. Two women I know will sub to men but will only act in a dominant role with other women.

Do readers have direct eperience of switching? What is it like for you?

return

I wanted to celebrate someone very special to me but then thought it might not sit so well on the "Kind Dom" site so I have published it on my Beau blog here.

indifference

J wrote to me saying her new Dom appeared indifferent towards her. The full exchange is here on the Uncle Agony blog.

Please add comments there if you have thoughts or can offer support.

acceptance

In a comment below Word  said that "Trust, understanding and acceptance" were key issues for her. I have written about trust many times I am sure as I agree it is so important. I agree too that understanding is important and like trust it may take some time to grow.

I had not thought though about acceptance.

It is a submissive act I suppose. Or rather than a submissive act, perhaps it is part of the whole nature of submission. Does submission imply acceptance? An acceptance that someone else has control, will make the decisions and do to you whatever he wishes. As such is it just an essential part of submission or is it something else alongside it? Something for a submissive person to strive to achieve?

I can imagine that notion of acceptance being something difficult to strive for but perhaps very worthwhile and fulfilling when achieved.

Do readers have their own experience and knowledge of acceptance? Is it something different from what I have described?

coming soon ...

No - I said "coming" not "cuming". I don't know - the minds of some of my readers!

Just to say thanks to those who contributed suggestions to the post below. It has given me a couple of ideas for new posts. Also I have had another query for Uncle Agony so that will also get some attention soon. However I plan to be away again for just over a week - but promise lots of new thoughts on my return.

writing

I had another very popular blog written under a different name. That was very popular too. It discussed another part of my life that raised considerable personal and social issues.

In the end I stopped it suddenly a couple of years ago. I had found it hard for a while but kept going. Partly I did not want to disappoint a regular and loyal readership but I suppose I also welcomed the affirmation of readers who gained support from it.

Perhaps there are different ways I could could go back to it and continue it.

I have found the "Kind Dom" blog a bit harder to maintain recently. It is difficult to be fresh and come up with new and interesting topics so it has been very gratifying the my "Followers" total continues to grow and have had two readers recently been kind in giving me an "award".

I do want to continue the blog. It helps me to know that there are so many who try to have a thoughtful and ethical approach to D/s and BDSM. It is good also to be able to debate the difficulties and contradictions in that.

Time constraints also weigh heavily. I need to find time to be able to do it as well as talk about it!

In the meantime - do bombard me with questions and issues to get my thought processes going again and to help me rediscover a freshness in these topics. The recent discussion on "control" certainly helped me in that. What are the key issues in D/s for you?

who is in control - the comments

I had started some time ago, before I went on holiday, so begin to respond to the comments on this post. It was fascinating that this particular post generated such an interesting discussion. People have been adding to it again even recently. If you have not read the full discussion, I do recommend it. You can find the full thread here.

I have read it through again now. Some contributions are working from a thoughtful, logical starting point, others express individual needs. The thought for a sub that she may be ultimately in control can destroy the whole dynamic. Given the time lapse since the original thread I am finding it difficult to come up with any very thoughtful summary or conclusion. I think it stands as a whole and I do hope you will find the entirety interesting.

I will include below in italics the draft thoughts I had started a few weeks ago, before some of the later comments were added.

Thank you to everyone who commented on my previous post "who is in control". What a fantastic discussion. Everything written there was interesting and thoughtful - and contributed constructively to the debate. I have found it hard to find a good response of my own. I kind of don't want to take sides in the debate as it stands - as I think that all sides of the discussion have very valid points - and in the end does it matter?


I think too that every relationship is different. I have tried to emphasis throughout this blog my view that there are no right and wrong ways to have a D/s relationship but we have to each find our own way built on care and trust.


I do think that Dannah Bridger is right to advise us not to confuse "control" and" power". I know just the very act of submission is very powerful. It certainly has a powerful physical and emotional effect on me. It fills me with desire and love. It urges me on to take control to emphasise and increase her submission.


I understand how Miss G finds "submission is a gift" to be trite. However I believe it is - and knowing it is such can allow one to be in control. I know if ever I have doubts about a sub wishing to give me her submission then it weakens me and my ability to dominate. However I do also understand her point that from the subs perspective the whole point is that she has given up control and does not want a Dom who cannot share that view.


There are several comments that emphasise the power in a sub being able to withdraw her control. So it is interesting that ...

I must have had something fascinating to add here but I have forgotten what now!!!!

In the end as DV has said "does it matter if the sub has some control or not?" It clearly does to many given the amount of discussion that has arisen! Though perhaps it is all a matter of semantics. In the end we will all seek fulfillment in working on the dynamics of our own relationships which will work where trust and consideration for others sits alongside control.

Whether you control or are controlled, good luck and have fun.

Again - thank you all.

awards ...

Thank you ...

... to littleone and ara for kindly giving me the 'one lovely blog award here and here. 

I'd better get writing again so that any new visitors have something new to read!

more apologies ...

Life has been so very hectic these last few weeks. Lots of family issues - some pleasant, others less so. Everything seems to have hit me at once and I have had no chance to write here. That is a pity as the earlier post on who is control has elicited some wonderful and very thoughtful comments - and a couple more since I last wrote, together with new comments on earlier posts. So if you are missing this blog please read through the comments if you have not already done so. My readers often have far more interesting things to say than I do.

I am also going away on holiday soon for a couple of weeks. Somewhere nice and warm - and I hope restful. I certainly need the rest.

I hope to be back again soon with some thoughts on earlier comments and some new topics.

Thank you for your patience

- Pygar xx

an apology

My last post on who is in control has generated some thoughtful and quite fascinating comments. If you have not read the comments please do take time. You may even be tempted to add your own thoughts!

I know I am and had intended to do so. However, rather than try to sum up with my own comment there, I decided it deserved another post as the topic has generated such interest and stimulating contributions. I have started that post but unfortunately through minor illness and other commitments I think it is unlikely I will be able to finish it until next week.

I am also worried I will not be able to keep up with the high level of debate that the commenters have all started! I promise I will try hard to get my thoughts together for next week.

Thanks again to all who have contributed.

P xxxx

who is in control?

Word wrote in a comment,
"One of the first things I understood was that it is the sub who is really in control."

A friend wrote to my submissive woman similarly,

"And as we know.  Its the subs who have the real power.  Without you they are nothing.... X x x"

So who really is in control? Who holds the real power?

face slapping again - 4 - my submissive woman's view

I told my submissive woman about my last post - describing my thoughts of slapping her face. She responded with this,

"I need to be slapped. It brings me up short. I need it because it is shocking. It is also demeaning. It reduces me. It cuts me down. It disorientates me. It stops me talking or doing anything I want to do. It is close to my brain and my thoughts. Where I am most vulnerable. It is more likely to make me cry than any other physical beating. Not from pain but..."

It stopped there.

"Not from pain but ..."

face slapping again - 3

I told her about the last post.

She asked me to slap her. So I did. After caressing her cheeks gently. I slapped firmly. First on the right. Then on the left. Then again a little harder.

She gasped.

I kissed her cheeks softly and stroked them again.

Then ...

"More," she said.

"Please more."

face slapping again - 2

The previous post about face slapping was written some weeks ago when we were in the early days of our relationship.

I am finding I am using it more rarely now. Perhaps it has become less necessary. Sometimes a stroke of the cheek with the anticipation of what else might be possible is enough - or just a gentle tap as a reminder.

Or could it be also that as we get closer emotionally I find it a harder thing to do?

face slapping again - 1

I wrote of face slapping here.

I wrote of my reticence in doing this. That it was such a powerful act with many ramifications. One had to be certain to get it right - especially on a first meeting.

However recently, the first time we played, I slapped her face. Then again. Again and again. With each slap her desire grew. The power of it took her over and helped her get into that space of true submission and control she was craving.

I sensed it was right. It was. I would not have done it if I had not been sure. The first slap was perhaps tentative. However from the reaction I knew it worked for her.

I know other subs where I would not have dreamed of doing it. There is something so powerful about it that when it works and it is used appropriately it can be very special. However if you get it wrong - then watch out!

To be continued ...

submission, feminism and equality

The previous post I wrote on this here has  generated some very interesting comments. If you have not read the comments then I recommend you do have a look.

Meanwhile I have been exchanging a few messages with waterfall whose initial message to me stimulated me to write the post.

She wrote that

"Whilst i consider my own submission to be given through bravery and strength rather than by fear or capitulation my point is that surely, by its very nature, an M/s relationship is not an equal one?"

My reply was,

"I think that for many their submission is given through "strength and bravery". I often say that one has to be strong to be a sub. As you say you have not capitulated through fear. You have a position of strength within the relationship - that strength enabling you to submit to the will and control of another.


Perhaps this does not imply inequality. Rather a relationship of equals where each takes on different roles for the pleasure and fulfilment of the other.


Surely too a sub has a right to certain expectations of their Dom. These might include being respected, cared for, being kept safe, loved even. Perhaps this is a fair exchange for the submission given in return. Can this not still be a relationship of equals? Each benefiting equally from the relationship in different ways?


That is not to say that within the dynamic of the relationship rights and control are freely given by one to the other. However they are given on the expectation of care and a meeting of the submissive needs of the other.


While this may seem an unequal relationship from the outside I believe that it can and in many cases is a relationships of equals. Does it not have to be for it to work properly - for it to be use and not abuse by one of the other?


Or perhaps I am arguing the point too strongly!


I doubt I have persuaded you!!!!"

So can a D/s relationship be a relationship of equals?

submission and feminism

In my profile on a UK BDSM social networking site I mention in my profile "feminist submissive women". It has occasionally raised comments and I received another memo recently from a sub who wrote,

"I find it difficult to equate submission with feminism. Do explain?"

So I replied trying my best. Though I'm not sure how articulate I was. My hurried reply then was,

"Thank you for your interest.

I like powerful women. I believe in women's equality. I don't believe that certain jobs should be done by men and others by women. I think that men should play a more involved role in bringing up children. So I may be considered a feminist myself.

My sub has been a very strong and active feminist throughout her life.

Yet she chooses to submit to me.

It is her choice.

She is a strong woman and it is my use of her strength that enables me to control and use her. I would not want a doormat."

It got me thinking again about this subject. I was surprised to find that the last time I wrote about feminism on here was in 2008. It started an interesting discussion and you can read it again here.

There are feminists who write about BDSM and submission. (Kind readers may help me out by offering some links!) I don't believe they are incompatible at all. However I do know feminist sub friends who have found it difficult. They have felt at times as if their submission to a man was almost a betrayal of the struggles of feminists in the past in their demands for equality.

On a simple level of course D/s is not always M/f. There are of course probably as many F/m, F/f and M/m relationships.

Though that does not necessarily answer the problem for a submissive feminist within a M/f relationship.

It has come to the fore in discussions in the media recently. Some D/s literature and films have become almost mainstream and this has become a point of interest. There is an article in Newsweek here which discusses it. It includes a short passage which does address the issue in terms of feminism.

Is it an issue which readers have trouble with? Do I have many feminist submissive readers? More to the point, I wonder if I have many feminist Dom readers?

on top ...

Being "on top" is a symbol of domination. The word "Top" has even come to mean a dominant in a bdsm or D/s context. My submissive woman likes me on top when we are having sex. She likes to feel the full weight of me on her.

Yes - of course there is a power and a control in being on top when having sex. I enjoy it. However I also like being underneath.

I enjoy laying there and having her do all the work. To suck me hard then climb on top and pierce herself on me. I like to watch her face as she loses control of her body as orgasm approaches and asks permission to come. I like her working herself on me, pleasuring me as she changes angle and pace. Then I may stop her, make her suck me again before once more climbing on top to work hard at pleasuring me.

Recently she complained that she was getting tired. Of course I admonished her for her laziness and encouraged her to further efforts as I rested beneath her, enjoying the fruits of her labours.

Do other Doms not enjoy making their subs go on top and do most of the hard work while they rest and delight in the sensations? I think too that subs who want their Doms on top are just expecting them to do all the hard work! Perhaps it is time for a change.

Though I do at the end enjoy finishing on top - if only to make a point!

bondage marks

Uncle Agony has received an email published here about marks left by bondage equipment including ropes. Do add a comment if you have any advice.

apologies ...

... for not posting so regularly recently. My real life adventures seem to have got in the way.

Apologies especially to Naughty Lizard who wrote to Uncle Agony a couple of weeks ago and I have still not published her email there. I promise to do so next week.

It seems almost yesterday that I was celebrating having 100 followers to the blog. I see that as of today I am only one short of 300. So thank you very much to all of you who do follow and read the posts here. I hope it will encourage me to try to write more regularly again.

In the meantime do enjoy this weekend. For those of you eating chocolate, Beau has found something nice for you to suck on here.

learning

Learning is good and we are never too old to learn. We should also always remember, however knowledgeable and experienced we may claim to be, that there are always different ways of looking at things, new perspectives, new challenges to be overcome.

I am finding learning in a new relationship to be fun and invigorating. It is also good to see her learning and to be part of that.

She has a lot to learn ...

... now where is my cane?!

Forgive me - I am joking. The cane does not come out for punishment but for fun. However that can be learning too ...

new

I have received a couple of emails recently from people new to BDSM and D/s. They are looking for advice and it can be very hard to give.

I know I have had relationships, online and in real life with subs searching for an understanding of the feelings they struggle to explore. Within such a relationship it is possible to provide support and guidance within the framework of trust and friendship. However even this has occasionally had associated problems.

How then does one provide advice to a stranger? Someone eager to learn and to explore and understand their own very special feelings.

I would be interested in readers views about that question. However do also read and respond to Alex on Uncle Agony here.

she is my submissive woman

Yes -

she is my submissive woman.

I am fortunate and grateful.

Thank you my precious one.

woman

Such a woman.

Woman encompasses so much. She is wet for me immediately. Salaciously and sluttishly ready for my use at any time.

Her cunt is my cunt. Owned and used.

Her breast are my breasts. To play with tease and hurt.

She has a woman's desires. So much desire. Such salacious needs. Slut.

A salacious slut - all woman.

submissive

As a submissive she strives to give up that control - to allow herself to be controlled, to revel in being controlled, to delight in the freedom that control gives her.

So eager to please. To please me. Her master. To please her master.

To kneel for me. To practice different postures that might better express her submission.

To offer herself to be beaten, to accept pain, to plead for it ... to please me.

To give all of her body to me, for my use, to do with whatever I desire.

So delightfully and sensually and salaciously submissive.


To be continued ...

my

my ...

A possessive pronoun. "My."

Possession - an implication of ownership.

Property.

Mine.

Owned, possessed.

Mine ...


To be continued ...

is

is ...

She really is. This is happening.

To her and to me.

There is a truth in this. Something we both need to recognise as an actuality, a fact. We must know it.

She is.


To be continued ...

She

She ...

It truly is her. This strong woman. She is naturally controlling, domineering even with firm views and a powerful drive and energy. She is creative, imaginative, successful at what she does in a difficult area to be successful.

Yes - it is she.


To be continued ...

strength

She says she likes my strength; that she needs someone strong to control her; that nobody has been strong enough before.

Where does this strength come from?

She is a strong, controlling, powerful, imaginative and creative woman. How could I possibly be strong enough to subdue her?

It comes from her. I am using her own strength. Is it in judo where a fighter uses the power of their opponent against them? It is a bit like that perhaps but not in the physical sense - instead in a psychological and emotional way.

I have written often that a good submissive needs to be strong. I like strong women. Perhaps I would not be strong enough to control a weak one - at least I know I would not gain the same satisfaction from it.

She is controlling, but she wants to be controlled. She is strong but she wants to be subdued. She is powerful but she wants to be powerless. She is bad and she wants to be good. She is good and she wants to be bad.

I use her own desires. She wants it to work. She wants to be a bad girl. She wants to be my good girl. She has such strong desires. She is eager to please. She is eager for me to use her as a slut and develop that side of her. So I use her strength and her desire. She does not want to submit but she desires in her depths to submit to me.

She thinks of herself as a controlling, domineering bitch. But she is now my controlling, domineering bitch.

Mine.

She is my submissive woman.

the guilty Dom

A sub friend wrote recently in an email about a Dom who she met occasionally. He had guilt feelings about what they did together. There was something inside him that felt guilty about hurting her. He told her that he felt bad in doing something to her that deep down 'cannot be good for her'.

But then he showed little affection at the end of play. Was his guilt so strong that he could not show her kindness and affection? Surely that is part of the end of a session that a sub needs so that it does not become abuse.

I wonder if other Doms have had such pangs of guilt, feeling that deep down it must be harmful to the sub? Or have any subs recognised it in Doms they have played with?

New blog post ...

I had a really good blog post worked out in my head in bed last night as I was drifting off to sleep. I worked on it in my mind and got the wording carefully right.

Then I nodded off to sleep.

I woke in the night and realised I was losing the preciseness of the wording. I thought it through again until it was right and I knew I would remember it correctly.

This morning?

It has gone.

It was a really good post though. No - really it was. I can remember that. I promise.

Valentine Greetings

Wishing all my readers a very happy Valentine's Day.

If you have someone special then do something different and exciting for them today. Have fun!

more brattishness

I recently wrote a post here about brats. It gained a number of interesting comments from different perspectives. So thank you to Sky, Janeway, nancy, jennie bear, Anonymous, doug's fuck toy, Naga-bot and Mistress L for taking the time to write in response. I was away for a while and did not have time to join in with the responses so I'll add just a little more here.

There were few who wished to be regarded as "brats". Like Janesway I too am old enough to remember when it was accompanied by the word "spoled". In that situation it does rather give the impression of someone acting the princess and perhaps deserving a hard spanking! I guess that is why some do it. They are perhaps trying to goad their Master into giving them the spanking. For me in that context it just doesn't fit with the kind of relationship I would want to create. I would sooner encourage my sub to plead nicely for a spanking if she desired it so much. if she pleaded prettily enough then how could I refuse?

As nancy wrote "Bratty just doesn't seem a submissive trait." A couple of comments even suggest it shows a lack of submission and even trust.

In fact Doug's fuck toy describes how when being bratty in the earlier stage of their relationship it was her "cute" way of showing she hadn't yet developed that natural trust. In time though they have got through that.

Mistress L like me felt that it could be seen as topping from the bottom and would head in the opposite direction!

I suppose though we should not take it all too seriously. As Naga-bot writes, "When I brat, it's because I'm in a playful mood and I want my Daddy to also feel that way, too. "

Yes - it is important to have fun!

Thank you

Thank you to all the well-wishers who commented so kindly on my last post. I appreciate it.

For those of you who are eager to read some more salacious detail I am publishing a series of pieces over the next week on Beau's blog. The first is here.

Inès

I seem to have acquired a new sub.

:)

She is strong, demanding, bossy, controlling, self assured, devouring, selfish, insatiable, manipulative, sluttish, talented, greedy, self centred, bad, grasping, needy, dominating ...

... but eager to learn.

I like a challenge!

Wish me luck.

brats

On D/s contact sites I have often seen subs describe themselves as 'brats' or their behaviour as 'brattish'. I think it is more of an American term but certainly seems to have found its way to the UK in this context.

They tend to do this with some pride and conviction as if it is a positive characteristic. Perhaps making it clear that they are not a push-over. Or rather that their submission is not to be presumed or guaranteed.

To me though it seems in contrast with their submission. Not something to brag about. It is an admission that they cannot submit completely - or at least like to top from the bottom. They seem to be looking for conflict with their Master. A battle for control where he has to prove himself.

I am afraid I could not be doing with it. For me a D/s relationship is based on respect for my control and a real desire to submit. "Brattishness" does not fit in with such a true desire.

I am currently meeting with a friend who is controlling. She knows it and wants to change. She wants a Dom to take control of her instead. I am trying to be that Dom.

It is not easy and there is a long way to go. However she is not being a 'brat' as she genuinely wants to learn to give up control - though she may not find it easy (and neither may I in training her! Though more of that soon.)

abuse and bdsm

I know I have discussed the difference between abuse and bdsm often before. However I recently saw a discussion on a UK bdsm contact site that had been stimulated by an article that I think refers to the writers experiences in the US scene. The original article can be read here.

The writer claimed that she had been subject to abuse - safe word ignored and limits crossed - on numerous occasions while playing with Doms in the scene. It is clear from my reading of the article that there were times when she may have put herself unnecessarily in vulnerable situations. However it may be that for some inexperienced young women who want to be part of the scene that they feel this is necessary to be accepted.

The thread on the UK site in the main said that people did not recognise that as something that would happen over here. I have little experience of the "scene" in the UK, never mind the US. However from friends I have heard that the UK scene is fairly safe and friendly if one uses sensible caution. Two female sub friends found a New York spanking club similarly friendly and safe - and one of them enjoyed a nice spanking!

I wonder if any readers have experience of "the scene" either in the UK or elsewhere to know how safe it is for female subs - or male subs for that matter. In any situation there can be manipulative Doms. However, I would have thought that members of "the scene" would look after others and ensure safety - otherwise it would get a bad name and eventually disintegrate.

bondage and hugs

I like hugs.

Both receiving and giving.

A hug isn't sensual or sexual. That perhaps is a cuddle. Though hugs can turn into cuddles which in turn can ...

But a hug is there to be reassuring, to offer comfort and friendship. It offers physical and emotional warmth. The fact it is non-sexual can help bring trust. The ability to hold someone close for comfort without ulterior motives.

A correspondent some time ago wrote to me comparing bondage with a hug in a delightfully sensual way,

“It’s like a hug that you can’t get out of, an insistent embrace that won’t fail and won’t be denied.”

I know bondage, particularly predicament bondage, can be uncomfortable, painful even, and challenging. It can also emphasise vulnerability and acceptance of control.

However I liked this comforting description of bondage as being in an embrace. I wonder if others ever find it so?

developing trust

It is always said - well by me anyway! - how important trust is in a D/s relationship. Clearly it is important in any relationship. However there can be special concerns about safety - physical, emotional and psychological - that are even more apposite in a D/s relationship and especially where that also involves BDSM.

However I have been surprised in relationships of my own and those of friends how quickly D/s relationships develop and how intense they can become very quickly.

It is as if the length of time it takes to build trust in a vanilla relationship does not apply in a D/s relationship. That trust seems to be accepted so quickly. Perhaps it is because some of the activities demand such trust that it is established so quickly. However shouldn't it be the other way round? That trust is established first before a sub puts herself in risk of potential danger.

Perhaps there are many who are prepared to take the risk. It could even be part of the thrill of the developing relationship.

I worry though that there are unscrupulous or inept Doms out there who need to be identified before they can cause harm. There are also manipulative men who are merely pretending to be Doms to gain power over vulnerable women.

Am I being over-cautious? How do you establish trust at the start of a relationship?

*** Happy New Year ***

I just wanted to say it

to all of you ...

... and to one who will not hear it.

Happy New Year

I'm sure we all deserve one. Very best wishes for 2012 to you all.

P xxxxxxxxxxxxxx