Happy New Year

I'd like to take this opportunity to say a big thank you to all commenters on this blog over the last few months. We've had some very interesting discussions and I know I am learning from you all.

Wishing a very Happy New Year to all readers and friends

Happy Christmas

I would like to wish a very Happy Christmas to all readers of this blog.

Whatever your circumstances I hope you find some magic and joy this holiday season.

Busy, busy, busy ...

I had hoped to write a new post before Christmas but ...

Well I promise there will be another before too long! In the meantime there have been recent, interesting comments to "edge play" and "body modification" that you may have missed.

body modification

I have just exchanged a couple of messages with a sub who I did not know until now. Her previous Dom insisted she have - I think it was five cosmetic operations. This includes a nose job and breast implants. The breasts are hard and out of proportion with her body. Her new nose was a very painful procedure. She hates how she looks now and works out strenuously to create a body image that she feels is her. She has published pictures of herself in the hope that she may get some positive comments to help her esteem and self-image.

Another sub I know has lost weight at the instruction of her Dom. She has gone down from over 20 stone (about 300 pounds) to an English dress size 10/12 (American 6/8 I think). I fist met her when she was about size 14/16 (American 10/12). She was happy with her weight and body shape then. However now she hates her body. She hates the way her breasts are no longer full and sag. She hates other sagging folds of skin. She is no doubt much healthier than before - and is exercising lots on instruction too. However she has not yet quite reached her Master's target weight for her.

These are fairly extreme examples but I have seen subs on contact sites looking for a Dom to transform them in such ways.

There are many other ways in which a Dom may require a body modification that is less extreme. This might be a small tattoo or a piercing. Such things may be regarded as more acceptable - but even in such cases they are often a joint decision for both to make and celebrate their relationship.

But if the tattoo was large and unsightly - or visible - or used explicit bdsm language?

I wonder if many readers have undergone body modification at the instruction of their Master - or have required it of their sub - and what their attitudes to this is.

edge play

The discussion earlier about paid sex - here - got me thinking about edge play. Edge play may mean different things to different people. Here I want to talk though about play that is consensual but potentially harmful, dangerous or illegal.

Where it is truly fully consensual then I do not want to be seem to be judging but ... well I suppose I do have some problems - especially as we are talking of relationships where such power is given to another.

To make a decision to harm someone? To make them do something illegal? To instruct them to undertake a task that was potentially very dangerous? This harm could also be psychological or emotional as well as physical - and such situations are even more difficult to judge. Is it possible to trust any person enough to allow them to have such power? But it is consensual ...

There are also levels of risk I suppose. I know couples and individuals who enjoy breath play. A sub friend is drawn to this and did some research on it. It seems there is no way of undertaking it that is not dangerous and potentially life threatening. Yet she is still drawn to it and I think will have a go. Another sub friend has recently written on her blog about trying it and enjoying it. I genuinely do not judge any of these people. They have measured the risks involved, take what precautions they can and are having fun. So should I not feel as non-judgemental about all kinds of edge play?

A couple of sub friends have been worried about permanent damage to their breasts due to punishments from Doms which caused lumps that they were worried could be cancer. Both were fortunate in that the lumps were not - but they were very worried for a while. I'm sure neither of them planned for this when they indulged in the play. So whose responsibility was it to ensure the play was safe?

I am very queasy and do not like blood so I personally find blood play or needle play difficult - but I know there are readers of this blog who gain satisfaction and fufillment from it. At what stage does it become dangerous or harmful?

If a sub is seriously harmed emotionally, psychologically or physically by her Dom then I think that is wrong even if it is consensual. I believe a Dom has a resonsibility to care for his sub and keep her safe. That to me is a fundamental part of the deal when power is exchanged.

But what counts as "serious harm"? And am I just being a wimp?

married ...

I have a couple of submissive female friends whose husbands cannot understand their needs. One of them would love her husband to spank her but, having the laudable attitude that violence to women is wrong, he just cannot bring himself to do it.

Both these subs have struggled with how to satisfy their own needs whilst maintaining their marriages. They have both found some satisfaction with internet relationships. But they both crave real relationships too. One may have embarked on an affair - which could be likely to put her marriage at risk. The other I think has at times been sorely tempted. For now though she has put online Masters to one side - but she feels a big gap in her life.

I too am married to a woman who would be horrified by this aspect of my life. So I have online relationships and secret encounters.

There are many of us who dream of the happy relationships that some of the readers of this blog enjoy.

pimped ...

One morning last January I dropped a friend off for a meeting at the university. I took a short cut on the way back through what at night has become a "red light" area. An area where prostitutes work the streets. I pass no moral judgement on this regarding the women.

At about ten o'clock in the morning there was a young woman standing on the kerb looking for business. It was freezing cold. She was dressed in jogging trousers and a thin top. She was hugging herself to try to keep warm. She was crying.

I imagine she needed the money to buy her first fix of the day. No doubt it was a man who had got her hooked on drugs to bring him in money and to give him power over her.

There are some very evil aspects of men's power over women that we should never forget.

Recently I was talking with a sub who had had a scene with a Dom where she had been paid a token amount as an intended humiliation - which she gets off on. But she became upset. She gave her submission and sexual use for free. That was central to what she did.

She also told me though of a sub friend of hers - a woman with a professional job - whose Dom sends her out to prostitute herself on the streets each weekend as part of her submission and his control over her. For me that seems to be getting too close to the Dom becoming the pimp. I have no time for pimps.

It is interesting too that for many subs being paid for sex is a "hard limit" but that for most of the escorts I know who are paid for sex that they would find the things most subs engage in as being quite beyond their own limits.

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving to all my American readers.

Diana Laurence has written on her blog of erotic stuff to be thankful for.

In this context ...

- I am thankful for having met several good online friends with whom I have had some special erotic fun.

- I am thankful for having been able share as a contributor (under several names) and a reader to the erotic Dragonfly Geisha blog.

If any readers would like to share their erotic stuff to be thankful for then please feel free to do so as a comment.

pushing limits

I talked here a little while ago about "no limits". In the discussion there seemed to be a consensus that there were always some limits - even if these were implicit and understood.

For many there are explicit limits. They can be very hard limits. Ones that it would be a serious breach of trust to try to breach or stretch. I have said a little about this in earlier posts on safewords and mistakes.

But there are other relationships where the very act of submission and of giving oneself to another gives permission for limits to be tested, stretched and broken. I was discussing this with a sub recently where it was clearly almost the purpose of her journey. She wanted to be led further and further into degradation - to be made to do things that she found almost impossible. She then got great pride and satisfaction in having had her limits stretched.

Clearly this will be different in each relationship and a Dom holds great power and responsibility. The sub I mentioned above wrote in her journal recently of being in tears whilst carrying out a task. She also sounded almost in despair over where it was all leading - though another part of her desperately craved that slavery.

How much I wonder is her Dom doing this to meet her needs and how much to meet his desires? How would he know if he had gone too far? How would she? Could there be times when stretching her limits is not psychologically and emotionally safe for her even if part of her craves it?

Talking

I have another blog where I write about some different aspects of my life that ...

... well take a lot of my emotional energy.

Sometimes there are big gaps but at other times I write every day. At the moment the posts are stacked up. So forgive me if my posts here tend to be infrequent. I am grateful for the time people have put into the comments and I promise I will continue posting.

My other blog is intended as a therapeutic tool for me - to help me deal with some difficult situations - to get out that depth of emotion. I know there are many who do this too in the D/s and BDSM field. Talking - or writing - can be a great catharsis - getting out into the open so many worries or concerns - or anger and delight - that just need sharing.

So my writing here is partly a diversion from that other part of my life - but also a way of investigating and sharing some other special thoughts about this interesting and complex world.

Talking and writing can be very special and very rewarding.

Especially when people are listening.

So thank you for listening - and for writing.

Listening

If you are a sub how well does your Dom listen to you? Does he see that as part of his purpose or is that just to instruct you?

If you are a Dom do you listen to your sub? No, I don't mean just take notice that she has dared to talk and that you have not shut her up. I don't even mean hearing the words and understanding them and attempting to reassure her.

No.

I mean do you try to listen to all she has to say - to understand her feelings - to understand what it is that drives her soul. Do you listen to understand the effect her submission to you has on her? The ecstasy and the agony of accepting your instructions and punishments?

Do you listen to her to understand her deeply?

He is telling me "yes" dear sub ... does he really?

Reading this blog

A friend said to me recently in an email that I must be pleased by the success of the Pygar blog. I hadn't thought about it in that way. Its success I suppose is that it has attracted a readership - and an active readership that joins in discussion in a thoughtful, caring and supportive way. It is what I would have hoped for I suppose.

When I started it I was worried that I might get flamed for my views so from the very beginning I have been pleased with all the supportive comments. I hope that because I write honestly and, I hope, non-judgementally in the main then others feel safe to express their views too. I hope it can remain a place where people with an interest in the discussions can express themselves honestly and know that any responses will continue to be supportive. That is not to say that we will not have disagreements. Healthy debate is useful and can help us all develop our ideas and views and knowledge. I know I am still learning and am happy to acknowledge that I can learn from many of the readers of this blog. It has been heartening to have other Doms comment in similar vein.

If this blog has quality and merit - it is because of the quality of comments from readers. Another friend wrote to me that she only read the blog from a feed so had missed most of the comments. If you too are reading in such a way I recommend you visit and read the comments. There is so much of value and interest there. They are the heart of this blog.

So thank you to all who have commented on this blog and helped make it worth reading.

Players

Following an email exchange this evening with a reader of this blog I began to wonder if rather than men masquerading as Doms it might be that some might just lack competence at it and are too inexperienced and lacking the knowledge to realise the commitment needed.

This post however is a follow-up to the previous post "masquerading?" which looked at how to recognise "Doms" who might be wanting to misuse subs. I had already written this new post but had held it back for personal reasons. I think it follows on well though from the discussion on the previous post ...

Despite the fine words we shared in my post about domestic abuse praising Dom/sub relationships. Doms are not always kind, gentle and caring souls thinking only about the fulfilment and happiness of their subs. We are all human.

A very good friend of mine has had some very unfortunate experiences with men who describe themselves as Doms. I believe she has been abused mentally and physically. She is eager to build a successful relationship with a Dom and she has much to offer. It is not ideal but because of her personal circumstances she has had to try to get to know Doms through internet contact sites. She has been misled, lied to, cheated, upset and badly hurt. They promised so much but gave so little. In fact they gave virtually nothing but took so much. There is a giving of trust in such relationships. Because this trust has been broken so often my friend now feels she can trust nobody. That in itself is a great sadness and is real psychological damage she has received from these men.

She is such a beautiful, kind, genuine, caring and submissive woman - she could have given these men so much. I am bemused at how they can toss her aside so thoughtlessly and cruelly.

Finding the right partner to try to build the quality of relationship we were talking about earlier can be so very difficult.

masquerading?

In a comment to my post on "no limits" emdie wrote:
"The so called dominants who leave their subs in psychological damage and just move on to the next victim, in my opinion are not real Dominant Master's. Some people out there are just tops masquerading as such to get what they want."

I agree with emdie's comment in principle - but how is a sub to recognise a true Dom? How long might it take to discover he is only masquerading? What damage might be done in the meantime?

no limits

In my post below about slavery discussion in the comments turned to limits.

Rose who described herself as a slave still has limits.

sweetmoana writes that she does not hold with "no limits" - that there really are limits in consensual M/s relationships.

I guess I agree with this - though I believe what this means is different in each relationship.

Perhaps a sub can give herself to a Master as a slave with no limits - because she trusts in him not to abuse that power, knowing he would never do anything to harm her.

So is "no limits", "being owned" or "slavery" just a public statement of that trust?

I can understand the seduction as a Dom of desiring that level of trust and commitment.

Limits are often pushed and extended. I have a blogging friend who is "owned". She revels in the fact of her slavery, the demands put upon her and the degradation of her situation. (In her vanilla life she is a self-confident professional woman with a responsible job - she might work in the office next door to you!) At one time she did split from her owner - so clearly she has that freedom - but she returned to him. I have noticed as the relationship has developed how limits that she would never have expected to pass at the start have now happened - if not quite become commonplace. Others are discussed as likely possibilities. She now gets a kick from recognising the possibility of being instructed to do things that she once could not have conceived.

I must admit a little concern about this - partly because I like this person and having seen her change worry a little. She though revels in these changes and her development as a sub. However I worry if it can be an abuse of power for a Dom to use his power over a sub to lead her into areas that she would at first have found very unacceptable. These could be potentially harmful psychologically and professionally. Some have included body modification which whilst not harmful as such are certainly unchangeable.

It is not for me to criticise another couple and I have at different times expressed my concerns directly to her. I am just using this as an example - to ask the question of whether it is acceptable for a Dom to extend the limits of his sub in such a way or whether that is an abuse of the trust that led her to accept "no limits".

slavery

Some submissives refer to themselves as slaves rather than subs.

For some this may just be how they like to perceive themselves. It may be an expression of their total commitment and submission to their Master. Many like to talk of being "owned".

Clearly if anyone was being held in slavery against their will any of us would be the first to inform the police. So in a sense this is voluntary slavery.

For many this is a genuine and total commitment. A sign that they love and trust their Master so much they would do absolutely anything for them. Would obey any command whatever it was and give themselves totally.

I worry a little though when some in a relative short term relationship describe themselves in such a way. It may be that they wish to emphasise the depths of their submission.

I wonder though in such circumstances what are the limits of their submission. Would they genuinely follow any command of their owner?

If they would, should a Master put himself in such a position of power over another? It must take supreme confidence to believe that one can always know the best interests of another and that their commands will always be right. Is there an arrogance in such a position? To believe one is moral enough not to abuse such power? Or is this arrogance?

I am sure such arrangements can work. There is a seduction in wanting to be involved in such. A greater love can imply a desire for the domination and the submission to be more complete - to become total.

But is it healthy for either party?

Or is this an ideal to strive towards?

Domestic abuse

A number of commentators to this blog (and thank you to all of you) are involved in "Domestic Discipline" relationships. Each of these will be different and all such relationships have their own dynamic. I know that the commentators to this blog in such relationships are self confident women who are clear about their relationships, what they want from them and what they are prepared to give. Some may even be feminists.

I am just wanting to emphasise that my following comments are not directed at a particular approach to D/s but are intended to raise some issues that I think are worthy of discussion.

I want to ask a question. It is not intended as critical but I am aware some may take it as such - in which case I apologise.

The question is this.

What is the difference between a 24/7 domestic discipline relationship and domestic abuse?

I can sense you all rushing to answer. Yes - of course - consent.

But there are those who are genuinely victims of domestic abuse who appear to consent. They love their partner and need his attention. They accept the violence that goes with it as part of that. It might be that they were abused as a child and associate violence with love. There are many vulnerable women trapped in such relationships.

There is the matter of love and trust. But these are so hard to define. Is a domestic discipline relationship only acceptable amongst those who are articulate enough to analyse and justify their situation? From the outside how do we understand the level of love and trust?

Perhaps there is also the issue of harm. Is that a damaged organ, a broken bone, a bruise? How does one define physical harm? There will be many reading this who have been happy to suffer bruising - but others may not like to be marked and damaged in such a way.

Psychological and emotional harm is even more difficult to recognise and define.

There are clear extremes at either end that are easy to define. However there is a middle grey area that is more difficult to define. Are there no "Doms" taking advantage of vulnerable women as "subs" who are really enjoying a relationship that without the D/s trappings might well be considered as abusive? What is the role of power in this and when does the transfer of power in this lead to abuse?

I would also like to add that I am aware that this is as much an issue in M/m, F/m and F/f relationships as in M/f. The issues I raise could apply equally to many bdsm relationships not just DD.

I know there is no easy answer to this. I feel I know the difference but can't put words to it. Perhaps others can help me.

recently

In case you have missed them there have been a few more interesting comments on the feminism and punishment posts recently.

Thank you to all who have commented. I am learning from your honest and thoughtful responses.

links

I'm aware that I have had a few more bloggers link to me recently. Thank you very much if you are one of them. I am very happy to link back to blogging friends and I am going to try to update my links this evening. If I miss you and you would like a link back then please let me know.

an email

"I miss you Pygar"

those four words
made me hard
with desire again
the power of love
and submission

secretary

For UK readers - Secretary is on Channel 4 tonight.

If you haven't seen it then do watch.

rape

As I got to know subs well enough to discuss their sexual history in explicit detail I discovered almost all of them had been raped. Many of them more than once. Rather than wondering if this was a common characteristic of subs - I began to fear that this might be a common characteristic of women.

One they do not like to share with the rest of the world.

What an indictment on us men - where force is used without consent.

punishment

In the comments to a post by Maryann the issue of punishment came up.

"Punishment" often seems wrong to me in a normal context. Except in the context of a consensual D/s relationship.

Rewards actually work better than punishment in training. I don't punish my children. In particular I think any violence towards children is wrong. I think violence towards women is wrong in any setting - let alone a domestic one. Except ...

... in a consensual D/s setting where each is getting pleasure, satisfaction or fulfillment from bdsm play.

So I too have a little problem that I am trying to resolve with "punishment spankings" as opposed to "erotic spankings". In the end though - I think they may be the same but at a different level.

When the consent is withdrawn then it becomes domestic abuse.

However reading the above again I seem confused even to me!

From her blog Maryann's relationship seems to be breaking at the moment. I send her my very best wishes.

"Is this all?"

Thank you to everyone who commented on my feminism post below. I was loath to publish another post at the moment as I didn't wish to draw attention away from it. I had thought of publishing all the comments as a new post but decided that might be a bit indulgent. If you've missed it though - do have a read through the comments and feel free to add to the discussion.

In those comments the delightful Livvy - the English Courtesan - promised I could spank her while she read "The Feminine Mystique" to me. Sadly I think she is teasing me again - or at least would charge me far more than I could afford! However it did get me to look at the book again. The opening words struck a chord with me - they sounded so much like how many subs had described their awakening to me.

'The problem lay buried, unspoken, for many years in the minds of American women. It was a strange stirring, a sense of dissatisfaction, a yearning that women suffered in the middle of the twentieth century in the United States. Each suburban wife struggled with it alone. As she made the beds, shopped for groceries, matched slipcover material, ate peanut butter sandwiches with her children, chauffeured Cub Scouts and Brownies, lay beside her husband at night--she was afraid to ask even of herself the silent question--"Is this all?" '

feminism

I have read many subs write critically of feminism. Indeed some of them find that hard to reconcile with other beliefs they may hold.

However I know many other subs who are feminists. I recollect one who once wrote that there was only one way she wanted to be chained to the kitchen sink!

I am a Dom.

I am also a feminist.

How do I reconcile those stances ... ?

Home

I'm back home ...

but with so little time to write at the moment.

There have been some very interesting comments to old posts from new readers while I have been away that have got me thinking. Thank you to you all and I promise I will try to respond soon.

And then there is my post about feminism to come ...

thank you and ...

Thank you to my readers for the really interesting and thoughtful comments to my posts. I feel quite privileged to have stimulated such responses. They are fascinating to read. It is great to have a small community developing who are interested in discussing these issues together and prepared to be so open about their own feelings and desires.

Again - thank you.

Forgive me though if I desert you again briefly. I am taking a break for a couple of weeks and will not be able to post or comment. I promise I will be back soon.

In fact I have in mind a post about feminism - so get your thinking caps on.

Best wishes to you all

xPx

desire

I don't want a sub to consent to being flogged.

I want her to desire it.

I want her to desire it from me.

consent

In discussions of bdsm the point is always made strongly that it is fine as long as the activities are between "consenting adults".

I am coming to the view though that "consent" is not enough - it should be "desire".

communication

I have talked before about communication. I now believe that it can be harder than I had thought.

I have had difficulties in this area. What I think I failed to realise was that to communicate to her Master a difficulty with his instructions was to the sub tantamount to admitting failure - in effect to admit she was a bad sub who could not submit fully to her Master's desires.

I think this is all the more difficult with long distance relationships - most especially in their early stages. Face to face a Master has some chance of recognising a sub's difficulties and responding appropriately. From afar it can be so hard.

If I'm not here ...

... it isn't that I am ignoring you dear reader. I have only occasional internet access at the moment.

If my posting is very sparse then do have a look at some of the discussions in comments to posts below and feel free to join in. I promise I will at least be reading them.

natural order?

I am having an email exchange with a sub who describes her relationship with her Dom boyfriend - dominant male, submissive female - as part of the "Natural Order". I argued that this was perhaps just one kind of order - all of which might be regarded as natural. Whilst agreeing on one level she suggested that these others were more sociological and psychological.

I still feel that the order she (and I in this context) subscribe to is another "social" or "psychological" order - and that to call it "natural" somehow implies that it has more validity than others. Such an implication would I imagine be hotly contested by others - for instance a Domme female/male submissive couple.

Do readers have any views on this?

I forget so quickly

I am always in a rush. It is the excitement I think. I thought I had learned this through previous experiences.

But no - I have to learn it yet again!

It is better to get there slowly together than to rush along and find you have left your partner far behind.

doing

"I hear and I forget.
I see and I remember.
I do and I understand."

I quoted this Chinese proverb to a sub recently in terms of how she could best work at understanding her own nature. Then I realised that it applied equally to myself.

being marked

Many subs like to be marked. It is a sign of ownership. It can give them pride in their submission.

This can be symbolic - an item of jewellery, a collar, even a felt tipped pen on the skin.

Some though crave the mark of an implement. A cane, a crop, a whip. A weal or bruise on the skin marking them as his.

I had marked her several times with the crop. Red lines on the skin. A darker mark at the end of one line where blood had come to the surface soon to turn to a bruise.

It sounds bad described coldly like this - but it was part of a sensuous act that we both enjoyed. She had asked me to hit her harder. She wanted to be marked. It was part of her desire.

We discussed it afterwards - what she enjoyed about such activity. She decided it was the being marked rather than the pain of marking. The fact that she had been marked gave each of us pleasure over the next few days as she reported the state of the marks in messages to me. It reminded us both of the pleasure we had together - and my temporary ownership of her.

But ...

part of me looks at the similarities between a sub wanting to be marked and vulnerable people who self-harm. It strikes me particularly with subs who are into knife play and needles. I am not passing any judgement here - I am genuinely interested in exploring if there are common factors. If there are such common factors does D/s provide a framework that can make meeting this need safer and more supportive or can D/s feed a negative self image?

Being strong ...

It is a strength to ask for help.

Depression

There are a number of subs who I have got to know very well who suffer at times from severe depression. There are other subs I know who also suffer from depression.

I hasten to add that they all suffered from depression even before they got to know me!

I know that this is a very small sample and that a high percentage of the population experience mental distress at some time in their lives.

However I just wondered if there was a real connection here. I also wondered if it might be associated with low self-esteem.

If so are there ethical issues for Doms who could be taking advantage of women in a vulnerable mental state?

The sound of one hand clapping

Dragonfly has been a close friend of mine online for some time now. I think we know each other well. We were exchanging thoughts about Masters and slaves recently. She wrote the following to me which I quote with her permission:

"And about D/s.... the ultimate Master is one who can let go of ego completely, thus in a sense becoming a slave.. and the ultimate slave is one who can let go of ego completely, thus in a sense becoming the Master... It is the sound of one hand clapping.. get it? There is no distinction between Master and slave.. they are one ego less entity.. they are one hand.. clapping... To force yourself into one or the other is the fallacy. I think that is what you struggle with as well.. You can be nurturing and subservient and dominate all at the same time. "

control

Dragonfly wrote here about control.

Reading that and re-reading a story I wrote a little while ago made me think a little about control. It made me reflect that for a Dom to be able to control a sub he must first be able to control himself.

The power of pleasure and pain ...

I struck her quite gently at first with each of the four implements. She said the crop hurt the most. To continue she requested the crop. She asked for it harder. At last she gasped, flinched, her leg moving briefly from position. That happened just once more. A sub who had been trained to take a beating in silence, immobile - a test of her obedience.

Later as she was restrained open-legged before me I pleasured her with my fingers, my tongue, her vibrator. Many Doms would not have considered using their tongues on a sub. She moaned and writhed and eventually came with a cry that could equally have been agony rather than ecstasy.

So which had more power over her body and its reactions? The crop or my fingers and tongue?

I felt a great sense of power - and always do with a woman, in having that control over her pleasure, making her writhe and call out, that can be done better through giving pleasure than through giving pain.

the girl with glasses who carries her own books

In earlier posts about the geek and the girl - one of my correspondents suggested that the geek might be much better of with the brainy girl in glasses. She followed up that email with another containing this beautiful piece of writing. Reproduced here with her permission:

I am a great campaigner for the girl with the glasses who carried her own books.

She was a favourite of the boys not because of her looks but because she talked about music and guitars and sport. She felt comfortable in their company and intimidated them a little with her mind. While the other girls crammed their school bags with make up and trashy magazines, she had copies of the NME hiding the Marquis de Sade’s ‘Justine’ in her school locker ...

While the other girls wore their Duran Duran t shirts, she spent her time trying to look like Bettie Page.

She shared a science bench with a boy she hardly knew. During long, dull chemistry classes they talked music and his penchant for all things dark. He was wildly intelligent and intelligently quiet. They spent many hours loafing around in each others bedrooms listening to music and reading books in complete innocence. She read Justine and he, Venus in Furs … in the interest of fairness! They went to gigs in dark rooms in every corner of the city. It was after one such evening, in a cab, when he told her to slide her skirt up … he wanted to see where her stockings met her thighs. After only a little hesitation she did as she was told …

She was 18, a virgin and in possession of a sexuality that frightened her.

To this day, she still carries her own books …

Thank you T.

A growing confidence

I met with a submissive woman last week for a few hours of salacious fun. She was much more experienced than me. I was worried that when it came to it that the "kind Dom" approach would just not cut it compared with the much more experienced Doms I knew she had met very recently for similar appointments.

We played online a little for a few days first. I think that helped as we were real people when we met and had begun to build a relationship.

Before we started I took her into my arms and gave her a long hug. I explained that she was safe and would come to no harm. I knew if she felt secure, if she could trust me, then we would both have more fun.

Then I became "Sir" and we started ...

It was fun. Great fun. For both of us.

She wrote of it later in her journal and started with this ...

A beautifully sensual day, with a very different style of Domination and care. a Dom who very much valued her submission to Him, albeit for just a short while.

Both have memories stored away, of pleasure, of happiness.

she is still smiling here... and thinks He will be too :)

She then described some of the detail of what happened and finished like this ...

and thanks, from both Dom & sub, for the other, for the Domination & submission. Without either one, there is none.

Thankyou Sir, very much, for Your time, Your thoughtfulness, Your usage of cunt. she very much enjoyed her usage by her "sensual Dom"

So perhaps I have decided that rather than my style being just a "kind Dom" - it is actually a sensual approach and I am the "sensual Dom".

I think that will give me confidence again both online and in real time encounters.

The geeky "kind Dom" again

Thank you again for all of you who commented on the original post. It was heartening to hear that the geeky guy was so highly regarded - and that perhaps the beautiful girl wasn't the best one for him anyway.

I had a couple of emails about this too that turned it on its head a bit. One correspondent wrote "the boys always look right past the brainy chick in the glasses to the buxom blond in the bikini...".

Another suggested that the geek should look round at the other girls and notice they carried their own books, were self assured with a quiet confidence. The kind who would be charmed by the quiet geek when they got to know each other.

She wrote me a separate beautiful piece of writing about being the brainy chick in glasses - and how much she has to offer. I would like to publish it if I can get her permission.

Sadism or Selfishness?

A very good sub friend of mine has been using a contact site in the hope of finding a loving partner who can meet her submissive needs.

She has talked to me of a number of men on there who she got to know. At different times several of them started Domming her online. They seemed special. They seemed to want to commit to her. She threw herself in enthusiastically each time. Each of the relationships grew quite intense.

But when it came to the crunch they were all players. None really wanted to commit to her and were happy to drop her - but then to pop up out of nowhere when they got bored again. The emotional toll on her was just so destructive.

Were these "Doms" into emotional sadism or were they merely selfish with no thought or care for the hurt and harm they were causing?

The last one has left her feeling cold rather than angry. She has decided that is it. She cannot do that any more.

They have lost a beautiful, submissive and sensual woman. She could have given each of them so much. It is their loss not hers.

The geeky "kind Dom"

Thank you to all who commented on my previous post so supportively. I have had a few emails too.

The post was not inspired by any current circumstance. It was more about whether women really do go for the sensible choice but are ultimately seduced by the more dangerous man. I guess this is even more so in D/s and the notion of a "Kind Dom" might seem to be a contradiction in terms.

However as well as the comments and emails I also had a personal experience yesterday that made me realise there is a real demand for a "Kind Dom".

I will write some more inspired by the comments and emails very soon - and about the recent experience too.

The trouble with being a "kind Dom"

Sometimes I feel like I'm in the films - you know the scenario - there's a geeky guy, best friends with the beautiful girl - he carries her books for her and they love each other dearly - then the bad guy turns up on his motorbike dressed in black leather and with a snarl on his lip.

You all know what happens next. She jumps on the back of the bike with barely a backward glance, her skirt up around her thighs and her arms wrapped tightly around the strong body of the biker as he drives of to a deserted car park round the back of the diner where she gives him a blow job. Okay - they never show the last bit!

Meanwhile the geek stands forlorn, looking at his girl disappearing into the distance, wondering what to do with her stupid books.

Well sometimes the kind Dom feels like the geek.

Anger

I suppose we all get angry at times - about the injustices we see around us, the actions or inactions of those with power in the world or just the latest memo from our boss. Like everyone else I get angry about these things. I even have an ongoing anger about the way a member of my family is being treated currently.

But I don't feel this anger in my heart. I might get mildly cross at times. Sometimes, very rarely, I may snap - and it is only then that I realise I was angry.

In another context a colleague was talking to me about anger recently. He is a very mild mannered man but he says that he gets angry. He sees it as a positive emotion that can spur one to action about injustices. I wasn't sure I recognised my anger enough for it to influence my behaviour in this way. Until recently.

I became so angry. I was in a rage. I didn't recognise it at first. Where had it come from? What did it mean? Why did I feel like that?

It came at the time of the parting of myself and my sub. I wasn't angry at her. How could I be? I loved her. She'd done nothing wrong. It just hadn't worked out. But I was so angry. I wanted to beat someone. If she had been there would I have beaten her?

I don't think I've ever hit anyone in anger even though I have been hit in that way. I know that a Dom should never, ever hit his sub in anger. It would be a betrayal of their whole relationship.

In trying to work it out I wrote a kind of poem. It implied that if I had a sub near by I would beat her, that any future sub would need to be strong as I would be very hard in future.

Where had all that come from? That wasn't me. I didn't recognise this person I had become. Where had this rage appeared from? How could I control it? I had never ever felt like this.

I didn't know where the emotion was directed. At my sub? At myself? At the whole situation? Or just at my own failure?

In the end I think that was it. I was angry at how it had turned out. It was probably nobody's fault but I was angry with myself for failing. Within that anger the whole world - including my sub - got caught up.

I wondered if I really would have beaten a sub or my sub if they had been to hand. I don't think I would because it is so far from my nature. It frightened me though that I could even feel like that.

Anger felt a very destructive emotion at that time - not the positive one my friend had talked of.

I wondered too of those in close D/s relationships - collared, owned, 24/7, tpe, etc. When the Dom gets mad what happens? There are many Doms much more prone to anger than me I think. What happens to their subs then I wondered. That I suppose is where D/s can turn into domestic abuse.

I wasn't ready at first to write this post. It has taken me a long time to be able to do so. As the poem was so awful I later tried it out as a story. Sometimes creativity can be a great way of expressing and investigating our feelings.

You can read that story here.

Do you get angry? How do you release that emotion?

Confidence

A sub has to have confidence in her Master.

She needs to be confident in his abilities, his knowledge, his care, his wisdom, his determination. She needs that confidence to know that she will come to no harm with him - emotionally, psychologically or physically.

A Master needs to have confidence in himself - without that how can his sub give herself completely to him without reservation? How can she be confident in him if he no longer shares that confidence?

Recent events have shaken me a bit. They have certainly shaken my confidence. My confidence in being a good Master.

They say it takes confidence to ride a bike. Otherwise it just doesn't work. Maybe I've just fallen off my bike. I guess I need to climb back on quickly to prove to myself that I can still do it.

To regain my confidence that I can once again be a good Dom.

Parting

Juliet said,

"Parting is such sweet sorrow"

A relationship has recently changed in ways I would not have wished. I find no sweetness in the sorrow.

Though the phrase evokes the emotional equivalent of many a bdsm encounter inextricably linking pleasure with pain.

The notes linked above say it better:
"Depending on how gripping you find the first balcony scene in Romeo and Juliet, Juliet's parting may or may not be "such sweet sorrow." In any case, her phrase is an oxymoron, combining contradictory ideas of pleasure and pain. Parting is sorrowful because Juliet would prefer, like a mischievous youth ("wan-ton"), to snare her lover in twisted "gyves" (chains or fetters). Parting is pleasurable, presumably, because doing anything with Romeo is pleasurable. Note the latent sadomasochism of this exchange, and the almost wistful prophecy that Romeo will be killed with too much cherishing."

safewords and trust

lili wrote a post on her blog recently about "safewords".

Safe words are often used in a bdsm context for safety. It means an intense scene can take place which might involve some pleading from the sub which does not result in the Dom relenting. However she knows that if she uses her safe word then the scene will stop immediately. It can help some subs feel safe, knowing they can trust their Dom to stop if they use that word. Just the giving of such a word can help establish a level of trust.

Many established D/s couples do not use safe words as their trust goes further than that.

I think that is what lili was describing. She wants to be part of a relationship where the trust level is so strong that she can be so submissive as to give the whole of the responsibility of the scene to her Dom. In that way she feels she could be taken even closer to the "edge of beyond" and undergo even more intense experiences than might be possible if she was tempted to use her safe-word when things became difficult.

She is prepared to accept things might go wrong as in the example I gave below - Mistakes. But as long as she was truly loved and cared for then she feels she would be able to get through it.

Perhaps it is just a dream ...

but we can all have our dreams. I hope lili's come true for her one day.

John Phillip Law

John Phillip Law, actor, born September 7 1937; died May 13 2008

John Phillip Law was the actor who played the part of Pygar in the film Barbarella. It is his photograph used at the head of this blog and as my profile picture. He died on Tuesday aged 70.

You can read an obituary here.

More about trust

A sub friend of mine met up with a new Dom recently. He seemed to understand her, things went well, he was respectful of her and seemed not to make assumptions or press too hard at first . . .

But on their first morning after the night before a little thing got in the way. It was so small. It was only a display of affection rejected hurtfully. Both were stubborn and did not back down.

He knew that subs are supposed to back down I suppose.

But she didn't.

There was an email exchange to try to resolve it. In it he demanded her trust.

He instructed her to trust him.

Otherwise how could he be her Master?

He was right that he could not be her Master without there being trust. Trust is central to such relationships. Where I believe he was wrong was in believing that he could just demand it.

Real trust has to be earned over a long period. You cannot just demand that someone trust you and for that trust to be real rather than a pretence.

She could no longer trust him.

So she is sensibly now getting to know a different Master.

Trust

Trust me ...

... I'm a Dom!

I always thought trust had to be earned not demanded.

More soon . . .

Mistakes

We all make mistakes. Well I know I do anyway.

Some Doms seem to find such admissions difficult. I think they feel it undermines their position of dominance - as if this has to include some kind of invincibility or omnipotence. Such arrogance can be dangerous though I understand that some subs find it enticing.

I've recently come across a post from a Dom admitting to his mistake and what he can learn from it.

I have been following trinity-pup's blog since it started. I think it was Beau who encouraged her to start blogging. She is very happy with her new Dom and has been writing about it. However recently something went wrong. A hard limit was crossed that led to distress.

trinity-pup writes of what happened here.

Her Master, Singleglove, writes his version of it here.

As Singleglove said, "Lesson learned."

I am pleased that trinity-pup is in such good hands.

I'm also pleased that there are other "kind Doms" out there.

deepest submission

I read this on a contact site this morning:

The deepest submission is when a Master whispers into your ear, and you hear it in your heart.

a return ...

Hello again.

Welcome back if any of you are still out there.

This blog turned into something else and began to serve another purpose. A private purpose between two close friends. That purpose has gone now and I have decided to make the blog public again and become a space for me to explore issues about D/s and my own nature.

I am interested to receive comments on anything I publish here.

xPx

contradictions

Can kindness and cruelty not combine into such sweet pleasure?

trauma

A sub friend talked to me of an experience she'd had with a sadistic Dom.

The scene was totally consensual - but the boundaries got stretched in ways neither of them had imagined at the start of the session. She was badly beaten. So badly beaten that the Dom felt traumatised that he could have done such a thing to her.

So where did he go for support? To the sub of course. He expected her to support him in coming to terms with what he had done with no thought of the trauma that she had undergone - both physically and emotionally.

Surely his first thought should have been to support her rather than seeking support for himself? Should that not be a duty for a Dom to support his sub when she has been taken to such unplanned and extreme places?

Yet he only thought of himself.

The self-centredness of some Doms never ceases to amaze me.

"Oh, Pygar!"

I've found a video of Pygar's dalliance with Barbarella.

Unfortunately the actual act is missing - though they both seem to have enjoyed themselves! I wonder what they got up to ... ? I'm sure it must have involved just a little gentle bdsm - don't you? There is some evidence she may have had her wrists tied to the nest ...

Instruction and extreme activity

A couple of weks ago a few thoughts came together in discussions with several online submissive friends.

It had to do with something which is at the heart of my thoughts about the role and responsibilities of a Dom.

A Dom has a responsibility to his sub. If she is to trust him to make serious decisions that might test or push a sub's limits he must ensure that important decisions such as this are in her long term interest. Limits may sometimes be pushed or boundaries stretched but that is a sensitive thing. I wrote a blog comment recently in relation to an issue about a sub being lent out to another Master:
"... In fact it is probably beyond the limits or boundaries for most subs. Isn't D/s about something a couple does together and lending someone out - unless it was clear that it was something the sub secretly desired - would break that sense of trust. Sometimes instructing a sub to do something extreme is instead actually giving her permission to do it. ..."

I once wrote something to a sub (not my own) suggesting an activity in a fantasy context that would have involved extreme pain and permanent marking. It was intended as a fantasy but I knew she was going to take such fantasies to her Dom and that one would be carried out.

I became quite worried. I was fearful that she might actually do it. I was frightened of being responsible for such a thing and realised I was not playing a game and that my words could have consequences.

The activity did not take place. That was a long time ago. Recently though that sub has been looking into the possibility on her blog. It might happen after all.

Although the activity to me would have been quite extreme I can imagine discussing it with a sub. A little fear can be an exciting and even erotic thing. However the most important part of any D/s relationship for me is trust. I hope that no sub of mine would ever believe I could do something to her that would harm her in any way. So if we were discussing something extreme it would be within that context. That is not to say such an extreme thing could not happen but it would clearly be something that we had both come to desire and knew was right at that time.

Only at that time could I instruct it.

Only at that time would it be right to instruct it.

In a sense my "instruction" would be more like "giving permission" for something we both desired. For something that the sub needed instructing to do to be able to find the strength to go through with it.

a strong sub and a kind Dom

On a previous blog two of my earlier posts were about my idea of a strong submissive and a caring Dom. I wrote them a couple of years ago so the words reflected my ideas at that time. I will repeat them here.

submissive women

I like strong women.

A submissive woman should be strong.

When I talk of submissive women I'm not talking of women who just let their men walk all over them because they know no better.

I'm not talking of those who simper and whimper to get their own way pretending they are weak and ineffectual.

I'm not even talking of those who really are weak and ineffectual.

To give yourself in a consensual power exchange to someone you trust to do with what they will requires real strength.

Physical and emotional.

A truly submissive woman is a strong woman.

A very well known submissive blogger wrote the following comment:

i see myself here, of course that doesn't matter, you knew that

It's what He says i am, that matters. But...
By day, i feel i am a strong confident woman.
By night, i am His weak little slut.
How true this is. Thanks for bringing it up.
Told you i'd stop by.

This was the next post:

dominant men

Having already described my idea of a submissive woman I decided I should also give an ideal of the dominant man. Any thoughts are welcome.

A dominant man should be kind and thoughtful. A Master is not just a man who has ultimate power over a woman to use as he pleases. If this is the case he has huge responsibilities.

He needs to know exactly how far he can take a scene with his slave. He has total responsibility for her safety and pleasure. Her welfare is in his hands. His first thoughts need to be for her rather than himself.

It is the balance of the strong submissive and the caring Master. A Master must be kind enough to give His slave the confidence and strength to give herself totally into His care and power.

With power comes responsibility.

I think the posts still represent my views.

the view of a sub friend

Recently I met a sub friend for the first time. We had known each other for a long time via email but had not yet met.

She is an experienced sub and has engaged in activities that some could regard as quite extreme. She is a strong willed, intelligent, professional woman. I respect her professionally and personally. We met just for lunch so no ~A~ I didn't "have her" as you so delicately put it! (The minds of some subs!!!!)

It as lovely to meet - to put a face to all the thoughts we had exchanged, to get a feel for the real personality rather than that projected by the written word. The demeanour, the tone of voice ...

We talked openly and honestly about so many things - most unconnected to bdsm or D/s.

However we did talk a little of D/s.

I was interested when she talked negatively and disparagingly of Doms who felt it inappropriate to show their emotions - as if this was somehow a weakness that conflicted with their "Dom" image. (Is this inability to show emotion not actually itself a sign of weakness?) She was also critical of Doms who had no interest in the pleasure of their sub - ones who said the sub should gain all her satisfaction from knowing that her Dom was gaining pleasure. She was clearly very unimpressed by such Doms and found this unacceptable even in a play setting.

I was struck by how much this coincided with my own views about the need for openness, honesty and mutual respect and care.

An ideal Dom?

Dragonfly has written a post about what she thinks a Dom should be - called "It takes a strong man".

In it she gives guidance as to the skills and qualities that she believes a Dom should posses. I find it hard to disagree with her - but she sets a standard that will be very challenging to live up to.

so what is this all about then ... ?

It is a place for me foremost. I am not making a big deal about publicising but have told a few friends. If word spreads as they and others find it interesting then so be it - if not then that is fine too.

I hope that writing down my thoughts will be a discipline that will help me formulate and understand them better and also some of the feelings that lie behind them.

It is ultimately about the issue of "a kind Dom". Can there be such a thing or is it a contradiction in terms? For me it is essential but for others it may seem a nonsense.

There are many subs who write about some of the issues and contradictions in being a submissive in contemporary society. I have found few Doms who do so - and would be interested in links if others know of this. I fear that instead of taking on board such issues most Doms are merely happy to accept the benefits.

So there may be things I say that readers may find critical at times. I am not setting out with that intention but if people take my words as criticism of their relationship with someone closest to them I am sorry. I am also aware that people will tell me that I don't understand, that I am naive, that I am not a Dom, that the issues I raise are of no consequence - and much more. But I suppose if I put my head above the parapet I have to be prepared if people start to throw things at me.

I actually welcome comment - especially that which takes my remarks seriously.

Pomposity

I often find that men in 'Dom mode' can sometimes sound very pompous.

Does that go with the territory?

Is it not possible to have a lighter touch?

What was that?

Me too?

Oh!

Right then ...

a start

A look at contradictions, morality, relationships, feelings, society, love, respect, trust, freedom, need, and control as the beginning of developing a new D/s ethic.

Is that pompous enough for a start?????