Festive Greetings

Just a brief post this week I'm afraid to offer seasonal greetings to all of my readers.

Have a spankingly good time.

P xxxx

being too kind

'Tis the season to be jolly and festive and share kindness...

Peace and goodwill to all men (and women of course!)

So no spanking then?

xxxx

advice please...

Oh dear!

It's Thursday again. I've been away for a wonderfully kinky weekend in Berlin with Inès. Then much to do on my return...

... so no topic for a blog post today.

Also I have to buy Christmas presents. Advice please.

What delightfully, imaginatively kinky present can I buy for Inès?

If you have any ideas - do let me know!!!!

new...

A recent email to Uncle Agony (here) and the replies to it got me thinking. The submissive writer and her dominant partner were both new to BDSM. They were each exploring their needs and trying to take on their respective roles. She, the submissive, was though becoming concerned that she was being tasked to do things that were close to or beyond her limits so was  worried that the dominance might be getting close to abuse. There were some very good replies from readers offering excellent insight and helpful advice. I began to worry though about how prevalent this might be. The sub writer had developed concerns and had at least tried to get advice and support from writing to Uncle Agony.  I know others who sadly only recognised their abuse many years later when the hurt was greater and had had a huge affect on their lives not to mention their self image and self esteem.

In some cases this abuse may come from a dominant partner who is manipulative and who has no thought or care for their submissive partner other than using them for their own needs. Such a partner will lower the self esteem of their submissive by encouraging them to believe it is their own fault through not being submissive enough.

However there may well be other cases where it is just lack of knowledge on the part of both partners. A new dominant may feel that they have to express themselves in such a way to show little account of the needs or desires of their submissive partner. "It is what I want that is important." Whereas the submissive who is struggling to obey commands may feel that they are just not being a good submissive and must try harder. The effect in the end will be similar to the first scenario with lack of self esteem and an abusive relationship developing even though that was not the original intention of either of the two.

We were all new to this once. There may be those who were lucky and who met an experienced dominant who was caring and understanding and who supported their submissive through their journey. It is perhaps more unusual though for a dominant to be able to learn from a submissive in such a way. How does a new dominant gain the wisdom to guide and support  a submissive along what can be a very difficult and apprehensive path?

So how do we get started in a safe way - emotionally, psychologically and physically?

How can we encourage those new to BDSM to seek help and advice and where do we advise them to seek it?

coming soon...

First an apology...

I had a new post in kind for this week but haven't yet had time to write it. Thar's even though I started expressing some of my thoughts in a Comment on Uncle Agony and in an email to a friend. The thoughts were stimulated by thinking through the comments to the recent Uncle Agony post. I know I will not have time to write my new post over the weekend so will try to get it here on Thursday next week.

In the meantime do pop over an have a look at that post and the helpful, interesting comments and see if it sparks any thoughts off for you too. You can find that post here.

See you soon...

avoiding abuse when new to BDSM

I seem to have been discussing potential abuse within BDSM a lot recently so it was interesting to receive an email recently from someone describing herself as a "New Sub" which raised that issue in the email header. She and her partner are both new to the world of BDSM and are in a new relationship. That clearly brings about lots of very understandable fears.

You can read what she has to say on Uncle Agony here.

There are always difficulties in a new relationship. New BDSM relationships are no exception to that. However where both are new to BDSM as well then there is possibly potential for further difficulties and, as Blackpurse said in her header, "abuse".

Do readers have any constructive advice they can give her? If so do visit Uncle Agony and comment there. Thanks.

Tell me another secret...

When I asked readers to "Tell me a secret" several of you were kind enough and brave enough to do so. And I kept my promise. I didn't tell anyone - well apart from all the readers of this blog - obviously!

So will you tell me another secret? Go on. Just between you and me (and all our readers.)

Is there something that you secretly wish your Dom would do but do not like to tell them. Perhaps it is just too...

Or as a Dom do you have something secret planned for your sub - when you feel they are ready for it...

Or maybe you are secretly fearful of something that your Dom might decide to do that you know will be just too difficult for you.

Again - do tell...

kindness

The internet is not a place known for its kindness. One hears more and more reports about trolling and abuse. In fact I have suffered from it myself on different forums but fortunately not here.

When I set up this blog I expected to have to put up with a certain amount of abuse - if only from those who would regard kindness and domination as being incompatible. There are also those others who feel there is only one true way to be involved in D/s or BDSM or DD or whatever and would take exception to my views. Fortunately I have had none of that.

Instead I have found on this and my previous Beau blog nothing but kindness and friendship. Through those friendships I became involved in other online creative erotic projects such as Dragonfly Geisha. Some friendships turned into deep online and, in one case, real life relationships.

There are kind and supportive networks to be found on the internet that can be a boon to those who feel lost and alone.

I was reminded of that kindness in the response to my previous post. I have heard from readers who recognised the blogger I was referring to in my last post. They too remembered her fondly and wished her well. If she ever reads this post I hope she will know that there are old friends from the internet who remember her fondly wish her well.

change...

The other day I found myself thinking about a blogging friend from many years ago. She and I used to exchange comments on each others blogs, we wrote bits of erotica for each other and created online games. She had a new Dom and was revelling in the adventure. She wrote about it with excitement. She asked readers to write in with suggested scenarios they would act out and she promised to try out the most imaginative and write up what happened.

He was married from a different part of the country and his wife was unaware. My blogging friend delighted in being his plaything. He visited her city regularly for work so they had plenty of time to play.

As the relationship developed it became more serious. Her commitment was total and he took advantage of that. Things that had previously been hard limits were crossed time and time again. She recorded it all, her humiliations, her beatings and her suffering.

The beatings got more severe and with a growing variety of cruel implements. She drank his urine each morning. She carried out his email commands without question, exposing herself in public places at his command. She played with other women. They played together with other couples where she was shared with the other man and as was the other woman for sex and for pain. He made her dye her blond hair black. Later she was commanded to shave it all off. She was given a very ugly tattoo. She was lent out to other men for sex. She was lent out to many men for group sex and humiliation.

All of this was documented regularly on her blog.

She was an intelligent woman who worked in a professional job. Part of her job was to support abused woman so she was not aware of the issues.

And then he left her.

She was no longer the relatively innocent, fun loving sub who had entered the relationship. I exchanged a couple of emails with her afterwards and she had clearly learned a lot and was trying to rebuild her life in positive ways.

That was long ago. I wonder how she is now and whether she has left the world of submission and BDSM or whether she has discovered someone else more worthy of her devotion. Perhaps I should seek out her email address and write to her again in friendship.

We all change. Experiences change us. Sometimes that is for good, though not perhaps always. It is good to always try to learn from experience.

I suppose he was changed as well as her.

I have changed over the years a lot. Not from an experience like this but certainly through relationships with close and special friends. I wonder when you reflect on change in your own life what were the positive factors and can you find growth too in the negative factors.

on breaking trust...

"i've learned that trust is like glass. once broken, no matter how you put it back together, you can still see the cracks"

I came across this quote by chance on Twitter. It had been retweeted by someone who had liked one of my tweets. She seemed to be going through a relationship break up and no doubt these words had a resonance for her.

It made me reflect on the fact that I and others often reflect in discussions here on how important trust is in a BDSM relationship. It is central to all BDSM relationships. It is perhaps essential in certain play situations and in giving someone complete control.

We are though all human. Sometimes things go wrong. We make mistakes. Sometimes we can do things we later regret. Sometimes this could have an impact on trust. If one begins to have even a doubt in relation to trust what impact might this have on a BDSM or D/s relationship?

If you have ever had your trust shaken in someone have you been able to rescue the relationship?

In a BDSM or D/s relationship if trust is once broken will the cracks always be visible or can it be completely repaired. Is it possible to continue a D/s or BDSM relationship when the cracks are still visible? Is there always doubt after trust has been shaken? Is that always the end... ?

I wonder if any readers would be prepared to share their personal experiences of this and how it was resolved?

on receiving pleasure...

In the last post here I pondered on whether it was the role of a sub to seek out ways of pleasing their Dom or rather focus on making themselves available for the Dom to take their pleasure. A sub friend wrote to say she had found the answers in her head bouncing from one side to the other. She ended with wondering how I would have answered - from the Dom's perspective.

So here is my own view on this. However this is clearly only what I would like. Each Dom will have their own preferences - which may even be different with different submissives depending on their nature and their special skills! I may also not be at all typical.

I do like a sub to be active in seeking to please me. I hesitate to use the word "just" after Jz's great comment to the previous post. However just being available, without any active intent, I find too passive. I like strong women. Strong women don't wait to be told what to do. They seek out ways of pleasing. Their strength may occasionally need subduing. I don't seek that, as perhaps some Dom's do, but I recognise it as part of the package. And perhaps that subduing can also be made into fun for both.

Yes, as Jz implied, a sub's efforts to please a Dom may be influenced by what gives them pleasure. However I have no problem with that. I have no fear of "topping from the bottom". If that becomes an issue it soon becomes apparent and can be addressed. I want my submissive to gain pleasure. If she can gain pleasure in pleasing me then the more she will want to continue giving me pleasure. Surely that is a win-win scenario. I think any caring Dom wants their sub to be happy and fulfilled and yes, that will surely include ensuring that she gains pleasure too - though in some contexts that may be through pain!

I found Dani's comment very special when she wrote "If I have a choice, I'd rather give pleasure than receive it any day but whatever my Dom wants I'm open to explore."

I am sure any Dom would welcome that attitude and approach in their submissive. What more could one want? Though I do like my subs to be open to receiving pleasure and not feel guilty about it. If I want to give them pleasure then I will give them pleasure. I gain pleasure from that too - especially in determining the amount and intensity of that pleasure.

I think too that Dani's final sentence should apply equally to dominants and submissives,

"If you care about someone and are intimate with them their happiness and pleasure should be a focus I'd think."

on giving pleasure...

If you are a submissive, do you like to please? Is that not what you are for?

Do you go out of your way to please? Do you constantly think of ways to please your dominant? Are you imaginative in seeking out new ways to give pleasure?

Or are you just there, available, for your  dominant to take their pleasure whenever, however, they want?

how to please a sadist... ?

I recently had a new comment to an old post about sadism. You can read the thread here.

In the comment Anonymous asked, "Is there any advice on how to please Master when He isn't hurting me?"

There will be lots of ways sumissives find to please their Master. Perhaps any or all of these would suffice. However I wonder if readers have any specific suggestions for ways a masochist could please her sadistic Master...

Tell me a secret...

Go on.

Do.

I won't tell anyone.

I promise.

Do you have a secret sign to celebrate your dominance or submission that is private between the two of you? Something that only you would understand the significance of? For instance a tattoo, or a piece of jewellery. For example I have known subs who wear a certain necklace or choker as a symbol of a collar, a special ring, a charm on a chain that is a lock. Or perhaps it is something hidden beneath clothes.

Do tell...

love...

Often discussions on this blog, including some recent ones, seem almost to predispose a loving D/s relationship as being key. I know I often talk about trust and communication as being so important. Also central seems to be an empathy and care for the needs of another. This has often seemed to imply a loving relationship and many commenters are fortunate in having such a relationship within which they can explore their needs safely.

But surely a "loving relationship" isn't really necessary. I have played with friends successfully where we were "just good friends". Yes, trust and understanding have to be built up, but not necessarily love.

It would be unusual nowadays to presume love before a sexual relationship started so is it not just the same for a BDSM or D/s relationship? Cannot BDSM buddies exist in the same way as sex buddies? Perhaps I am stating the obvious but it has recently struck me that some of my discussions on here seemed to imply love as part of what made D/s possible in a serious context. Surely that is not the case?

Or is it that the aftercare needed following an extreme session needs truly loving care? Does love make so much more possible? Is it possible to have a 24/7 non-abusive relationship that is not loving?

Ae you in love with your Dom or your sub? Does it matter?

lifestyle

In a comment to my previous post humiliation, needs and likes, Lea wrote,"It takes quite a person indeed to be able to humiliate but still retain the loving part of the relationship."

That has had me thinking about a few things.

The D/s lifestyle and BDSM activities include many things that would be anathema in normal society. How can one humiliate or cause physical, emotional or psychological pain to someone on a regular or ongoing way and call it a loving relationship?

From the outside it must seem impossible or at the very least peculiar and strange. I am sure many would assume such relationships are abusive - and in some cases I know they truly are from correspondents who came to realise that was the nature of their relationship and then chose to do something about it.

For many perhaps such activities are kept within boundaries and the trust and respect and desire to meet each others needs in an equal way is what characterises them as loving relationships. Many though live D/s (and other classifications that better describe the full nature of their relationship) on a daily basis. It is then not a separate activity with clear boundaries but an essential part of the relationship.

How in 24/7 relationships does one ensure that the barriers between respect and abuse are not crossed? The Dom has clear responsibilities here. But he is the one with the power. And, as Lea wrote, it takes quite a person indeed...

Many relationships, like mine, are on a continuum between in the bedroom only and 24/7 lifestyle. That may be from choice or from practical constraints such as family, social contacts and employment. I wonder though if the closer one is towards the 24/7 lifestyle end of the spectrum the harder it may be to retain that essential love and care and the more danger of it degenerating into abuse.

I have found it hard to find the right words for this post. Do I have it totally wrong? How can one ensure that love, care and respect are truly there when activities of hurt and humiliation are also key parts of the relationship?

vacation

I'm away at the moment.

Back next week, all being well.

humiliation, needs and likes

The most visited post on this blog is titled Humiliation. That in itself is fascinating.

I started to think about it in terms of our recent discussions about needs and likes. Can someone actively like being humiliated? Where it is desired is it because if fulfills some deep down need? Is humiliation a way of creating a deep feeling of submission to another? Is humiliating another a way of exerting power and control in a strong way? Is it a psychological equivalent of a severe beating?

Are there any readers who like or need to be humiliated? There were several in response to the first post.

enjoyment and submission

I found it really interesting to read the comments to the last couple of posts about spanking. (You can read them here and here.) It was fascinating reading different people's perspective on what worked for them. There were some for whom spanking was a very deep experience which filled a real need and was something they desired.

As Dani wrote, "...need is indeed what one feels. The connection at a base level of humanity. ... Why is the desire so strong?" and "...they can be divine or torture. In the end the outcome is the same, fulfilling a need, want and desire on many levels both physically and mentally."

There were others like Jz who liked them but didn't need them, "It's a liking. I like cookies, too... but I don't need them."

Some though didn't particularly like receiving a spanking but still felt a strong need for one. little monkey wrote, "Yes, I do. The part that I need most is the intention in the mind that drives the hand that strikes. I need that. So much so it borders on desperation at times."

This was developed further by Wilma Rubble who wrote, "... I NEED dominance. In our house, often submitting to a spanking is the ultimate form of submission. Why? Because physically I do not LIKE spankings."

So for some, like Wilma, the need for spanking is to help them feel submissive.

I wonder how much this is the case with lots of BDSM activity. Does a submissive often need not to enjoy the activity in order for it to make her feel submissive. That is the point. If she enjoyed a spanking or another painful or restrictive activity then it would no longer be submissive. The point of it not being a pleasant experience is to help her feel submissive to the needs and desires of another and to feel their dominance in making her do something unpleasant. Does then submission to the will of another imply being prepared to do things or accept things that one does not enjoy, or perhaps actively dislikes, for the pleasure of another or doing it quite simply because they command it, however unpleasant it might be? The stronger the dislike, the greater the feeling of submission.

But many (most? all?) submissives do enjoy BDSM activities. They are fun and fulfilling and help create the dynamic. They can be full of desire and wanting (and, yes, needing too.) They can be playful and fun ... and still within the dynamic. So perhaps a sub can enjoy an activity, revel in it even, and still be submissive.

So is there a contradiction here?

Are you truly submissive if you enjoy all you are commanded to do and all that is done to you?

another spanking...

Thank you to all who answered the question in my last post a spanking...

I asked the question, "Do you need a spanking?"

There were many very interesting replies. The impression I got from those who said they did indeed need a spanking was that it was because of the way it made them feel submissive and emphasised the dominance of their partner. They might not like the spanking itself but it met some other deep need.

I was taken to task by a correspondent for writing "who claim not to need it - but who do actually like it". It was the use of the word "claim" as if I might disbelieve those who said they do indeed like a spanking that annoyed her! She went on to write, "I was surprised that almost no one else would cop to simply liking a spanking, rather than needing it. I think I can understand the point that spanking is a quick and easy way to feel dominated, but it's not the trigger for me." The implication is that there must be many who want, desire, like and even enjoy a spanking.

So that is this weeks question...

Do you like a spanking?

a spanking...

Do you need a spanking?

play and relationships

A recent post here on play resulted in a number of responses and an interesting discussion.

It stimulated Misty to write her own post about it which you can read here. In turn that has generated a fascinating discussion about the nature, role and importance of play in relationships. Do pop over to read it and perhaps join in.

labels

There are so many labels in BDSM and so many interpretations of each. Just that one for a start. There are people who will give different words for the letters B,D,S or M.

Where does one start with the rest? D/s, Dd, M/s; submissives, slaves and dominants; Daddies and babygirls; sadists and masochists...

I'm sure we could compile a huge list. Perhaps that just shows the huge variety in what we do. In fact many call it "This thing that we do". Perhaps that is a recognition of the huge diversity in what we do but also the fact that there are common threads. Perhaps it says that there is more that unites us than divides us in all of our differences.

I worry sometimes though that people can get too hung up on a particular label and what it means to adhere to that concept. I like things to be inclusive rather than exclusive. I don't like to feel that I'm not quite part of a particular scene or group because my profile doesn't fit with a particular definition. I think it may be that I just don't like being labelled. Not just in this world but across my life.

But can labels be positive? Do they bring a sense of community? Does it help with identity, self image and self esteem? Or can labels exclude as well as include? Is this how cliques form and criticisms of outsiders becomes justified?

Personally I tend to avoid identifying myself with particular labels but I recognise how helpful it can be to help others understand.

What about you? Do you like to adhere to a particular label? Does it help identify you as a person and give you strength in this world? Or can they be a negative thing?

play

My last post smoke and mirrors, inspired by a comment from Anonymous, stimulated a very interesting discussion.

Anonymous also wrote here

My rumination on this topic comes from the term 'play' for intimate time spent between dom and sub, or master and slave, etc. It seems far too cavalier a term for something so intense and intimate.

That too hit home and got me thinking. We bandy about the term "play" about activities that as Anonymous writes are so "intense and intimate". Perhaps it chimes with discussions about the appropriateness of the word "fantasy" in comments on my previous post. However the word "play" is used commonly and is a useful word to describe much of what we do.

Is it too important, central to the dynamic, essential to a relationship, to be called just "play"?

smoke and mirrors

My inspiration for today's post comes from a comment by Anonymous to an earlier post here.            

I am not convinced that living this life, this 24/7 D/s 'lifestyle', is possible at all. It's all fantasy, and keeping that in mind is key. If indeed it's all about compromise and negotiation, then it's all smoke and mirrors and so be it. Yay for smoke and mirrors. We come together for mutual satisfaction - whether sexual or otherwise - but maintaining personhood is crucial. If marriage lasts forever, when does the 'playing' end due to age, infirmity, children, etc ?

There are many who claim to live the lifestyle 24/7. However as anonymous writes. Is this not just smoke and mirrors? Isn't it really fantasy however much one is really involved in an intense D/s relationship. For instance one may like to describe oneself as being a slave or being owned. But ultimately one can walk away from it all - otherwise I would be very concerned.

Anonymous contends that maintaining "personhood" is essential. Is she not right in this? Can one really completely give up ones personality or rights as a person? Is that something anyone with a moral compass could agree with?

I would love to hear readers views on this.

Romance

When I started writing the Beau blog many years ago I used the strapline "a hopeless romantic". Following a long discussion with a reader I changed it to "a hopeful romantic". I wonder if I am still a romantic or whether I am growing cynical as the years pass.

I am in the middle of a conversation at the moment with a submissive woman who described to me how she had become hopelessly infatuated with her top. Sadly it was unrequited as she (her top) had a separate romantic partner. However, they remained good friends and play partners. She wondered how often it was the case that bottoms developed such strong feelings for their top.

I wrote back with the following thoughts,

Bottoming, submitting, giving yourself for another's use is a very intimate activity. It involves huge levels of trust. Where one's trust is respected and paid back so that you feel safe and cared for as well as used then one surely cannot help a bond forming. This would be magnified hugely if it became regular play. How could one not become close to one's top? I wonder how one could not feel strong emotions for them following such play. Perhaps the stronger the play - the stronger the emotion. And when aftercare is given then this must feel very loving.

So perhaps your unrequited crush is more common than we realise!

She wrote back agreeing with what I had said but still felt that a romantic attachment was something different. She is happy to share her top's body but wants her heart all to herself.

I've been thinking this through for over a week now - she must think I have forgotten her. I suppose part of me is reflecting on the nature of this romantic love, that is desperate for the heart of another in a way that is perhaps even stronger than the bond formed by total submission.

So help me out romantics. How do I respond to her?

ethical sluttishness

In the previous post I discussed the redefining of sluttishness. The word "slut", typically used to describe women, is most often used as a negative description. Whereas calling a man a "stud" can be seen as a positive description. What is the difference? Each is someone who may have a number of sexual partners. Why is that seen as something to celebrate in a man but something to denigrate in a woman?

A friend some time ago gave a copy of The Ethical Slut to Inès though I am not sure if she has read it all. I am afraid I have only browsed it quickly. Wikipedia has an article about it here in which it summarises the theme of the book like this,

The authors define the term slut as "a person of any gender who has the courage to lead life according to the radical proposition that sex is nice and pleasure is good for you." The term is reclaimed from its usual use as a pejorative and as a simple label for a promiscuous person. Instead, it is used to signify a person who is accepting of their enjoyment of sex and the pleasure of physical intimacy with others, and chooses to engage and accept these in an ethical and open way—rather than as cheating.
The Ethical Slut discusses how to live an active life with multiple concurrent sexual relationships in a fair and honest way. 

Is this not a positive and ethical approach to having multiple partners? Can it be done? Can I be a slut and still be a moral person?

Any more sluts out there?

redefining sluttishness

I wrote some years ago about "on being a slut" here.

I just came across a great article about Helen Mirren's views here.

(To digress, I once met Helen Mirren in a France Telecom office in Provence but that is another story!)

Helen is reported as having praised "'shameless women' who are redefining beauty, citing Pussy Riot and Kim Kardashian as role models who have rejected labels such as slut..."

She goes on to say, "I love shameless women. Shameless and proud!"
and
"They all raise their middle fingers to this epithet of ‘slut’. They wear what they want to wear, behave as they want to behave.’"

I know there are many as part of their bdsm activity may delight in being a slut with the person who dominates them - whilst appearing perhaps almost demur to the real world. There are perhaps others who delight in their sluttishness whatever the context.

I wonder about my readers. Do some express their slutishness just with the one close to them? Is it only for private or also in public? And what about Doms. Do you like your subs to express their sluttishness in public or do you want it kept just for yourself?

Are you a slut and proud of it? Or - do you have one for your pleasure and to show off?

Desire...

On my post about excitement Innerdeamons commented (I paraphrase slightly)

...i realised that this is what i wanted; the excitement would fade and desire and want would slowly start to consume me; i feel for me personally that the desire is more powerful than excitement and that in its own way is exciting.

It got me thinking about desire and bdsm. It also got me thinking about the power of desire and whether it was more consuming than excitement. I think it is difficult to compare the two. As Innerdeamons implied, the power of desire itself can be exciting. Perhaps desire is just a very powerful kind of excitement.

I know too that bdsm causes desire in me as well as giving me excitment. I want Inès. Her submission causes desire. Exerting my power over her causes desire.

So of course - that is exciting!

Does bdsm cause desire in you too?

on being released

There is a new post on Uncle Agony where Graham asks if he should release his sub. You may like to pop over an read it and add your thoughts here.

It got me thinking though about the concept of a submissive being "released". It isn't a word I have come across recently but I remember a few years ago hearing it used quite commonly, certainly amongst a group of friends at that time. It might be because of relationship problems a couple of submissive friends were having whee they were released or asked to be released. Being released by a Dom was basically being dumped.  Whereas if the sub wanted to dump her Dom she had to ask permission! I am sure if permission hadn't been granted they would have gone anyway.

Though soon after that my online submissive at that time suggested I release her because of a real time relationship that was becoming more intense for me togehter with the fact that she was having problems. I'm still working out whether I had been dumped or not! LOL

What about readers. Have you ever released a sub or asked a Dom to release you? Did it feel like being dumped?

Excitement...

The last three posts discussed keeping the excitement in BDSM play. It was interesting to read the different comments from readers. It got me wondering though about excitement.

Is excitement something that people crave at all? Does it matter if it is no longer exciting? Perhaps the whole point of bdsm and D/s is just that it becomes incorporated into the fabric of your daily life. It just is.

How is it for you? Do you crave excitement or do you just want bdsm and/or D/s to be a routine part of your life?

The excitement has gone - 3) Safety

The third point that was raised (if you have not already, do see the previous posts here and here) related to safety. Safe words are of course very important in bdsm play. However she suggested that she and her partner negotiate so much to the point where she knows exactly what he is going to do to her. In doing so she came to realise that even as a bottom she was in complete control of the situation.

She is a performer and does scenes in public. In performance she recognises the need to discuss detail but in public and private scenes she found that was the case as well. Where then is the excitement in that? Where is the submission in it? She can stop it at any time. She no longer feels vulnerable. She continues to enjoy it of course but ...

It no longer touches her soul.

Do readers find this? Do safe words put the submissive in control? Does negotiation take away the excitement of the unexpected?

How does one ensure safety whilst being able to build feelings of vulnerability, anticipation and excitement?

The excitement has gone - 2) The first time

Following from the previous post, the second reason that was described as having contributed to the lack of excitement was repetition. What had initially been so very exciting and edgy though constant practice now became closer to the norm.

That very special experience of the first time when it was somehow edgy, out of the normal, almost extreme and certainly on the edge of her comfort zone was somehow lost. She had done it so often that whilst she still got pleasure from it that specialness of it being edgy and new had gone forever.

Doing something for the first time, going to a new and special club, being suspended for the first time when one was anxious about it, having one's first flogging, anything for the first time that is gong to cause anticipation and possibly anxiety. One cannot perhaps get those feeling back. You can only do it for the first time once and that first time will have its own special excitement.

In longer term the perhaps one finds the edgy excitement of bdsm is dulled by repetition. Do you recognise any of this? Are you feeling jaded? Do you sometimes long for something new? Is there a way around it? How can one keep it feeling fresh and exciting?

The excitement has gone - 1) Taboo

I was reading a post recently by a very experienced sub who is into bondage and posts some excellent photographs. What was particularly interesting was that she desribed how the thrill had gone.

The first reason she gave was related to taboo. So much had now become mainstream. Bondage was now commonplace and no longer a very special acquired taste. If it is now ok in mainstream books, cinema and TV then where is the thrill? That very special experience of it being somehow edgy, out of the normal, almost extreme and certainly on the edge of her comfort zone. She bemoaned the fact that now bondage had become almost mainstream, while she still got pleasure from it, that specialness of it being taboo and edgy had gone forever.

I wonder if other readers have this feeling. Do you like what you are doing to be slightly forbidden, not the kind of thing that most people would do, something that society might frown upon? Is it boring if it is mainstream?

still wanting more

I have been thinking further about Janet's dilemma - her email is published on Uncle Agony here. She feels a need to be fulfilled through having more than one partner. She found that it enhanced her relationship with her boyfriend - until he found out about it. It is clear that this is more than a selfish desire for more partners and more sex with no consideration of her boyfriend. If it was that then surely she would have just left him and followed her urges.

She describes this need as something she has been aware of since long before she met her boyfriend. It is only though since engaging with it that she has discovered that it is truly satisfying and something she needs. Though that may destroy her relationship with someone she loves.

I have had emails from many who have found this dilemma in a D/s context. It is perhaps more unusual in the context of polyamory. Or am I just unaware?

Is it the case that some people just cannot be satisfied through only having one partner? Is it just a feeling of being trapped with one partner - whereas having more partners gives a freedom, excitement and greater fulfillment just through the experience of having more than one lover? If one has such a nature then how easy is it to create a polyamorous or polysexual relationship? To be completely fulfilled does it need to be polyamorous rather than polysexual - or does this depend on the needs of the individual? Is polysexual actually less free than having true, loving relationships with more than one person?

Sorry - so many questions here. Is this something readers have come across or have experience of? Do you have a view on any of this - or advice for Janet who is desperately trying to find a way through it?

wanting more

I have published an email from Janet on the Uncle Agony site. You can read it here.

She describes herself as very lost and cannot see a way forward. She loves her boyfriend but she needs more. Experiencing more enhances her relationship with her boyfriend. However he cannot understand her need for others and different experiences. I have tried to discuss on the post whether it may be possible to journey together or whether she may need to set of on her new journey alone.

Do add your thoughts to the discussion.

I wondered too if others had ever to come to the decision to leave someone they loved because they knew that their own desires were not being met leaving them unfulfilled and unhappy.

guilt

I have been in conversation with Graham and have just published his recent email on Uncle Agony here. To me the issue at the heart of it is the guilt his partner feels at having an extra-marital relationship to meet her submissive needs.

Over the years I have known a lot of submissive married women who have not been able to get their needs met by their husbands. Many of them have sought help and solace on the internet often developing close online relationships. Some have gone on to have real life affairs with Doms or have had temporary real life experiences.

I know that many of these submissives who comment on the blog have positive real life relationships where their primary partner is able to meet their needs? But what about those who do not? Many are in a real dilemma that they do not wish to hurt those closest to them who they dearly love. However a core need of their very being is not being met. I am sure there are some who carry on with their life with a deep unhappiness and regret. Those who decide to have online or real time affairs though may well feel guilty that this is secret, behind their husbands back and a kind of betrayal.

How does one get round this?

trauma

In a comment to my recent post about spanking Anonymous wrote, "I'm pretty certain that everyone in this lifestyle has some childhood trauma that motivates them, even if they don't remember it."

He sounds very certain about that and is a psychologist and has had twelve years in therapy himself, so perhaps he knows what he is talking about.

Though Marijke Vonk wrote here, "SM is not correlated with physical abuse, sexual abuse, childhood trauma, symptoms of PTSS, personality disorder, sexual disorder, mood disorder, anxiety disorder, or, well, anything really. We’re as healthy (or ill) as the rest of the population." This is from her blog at marijkevonk.com.

She also sounds very certain, is also a psychologist and provides some references though they all seem to be from the same journal in the same year. So I suppose she also knows what she is talking about.

Though as Anonymous also points out, "I'd have to say that it appears nobody really KNOWS anything with certainty."

So what is the opinion of my readers? Is there any evidence that BDSM is correlated with childhood trauma or abuse?

Barcelona

Sorry to have left you talking amonst yourselves all week but I'm afraid I'm going to do it again. I do have a post ready to publish that I hope you will find interesting. I also hope it will stimulate some discussion that I would like to be part of. However I am off to Barcelona tomorrow until early next week so will have little time to be online. So I am going to delay it a little further until next week so I can see what discussion develops and perhaps join in.

Sorry to tease!

And if you are in Barcelona - just say "Hi"!!!

Thursday

I just got in from a busy day and was reminded that it is Thursday.

Thursday!!!

I try to post on a Thursday but I haven't today. What can I write about?

What CAN I write about???

Just talk among yourselves while I go somewhere quiet and have a think...

spanking - what does the spankee get out of it?

Spanking is a part of many D/s relationships. Perhaps especially in domestic discipline relationships. Taken further in bdsm activity it can include quite severe beatings with implements.

So I was wondering ...

... just exactly what does the spankee get out of it? Is there sometimes genuine pleasure and enjoyment? How does that come about? To say they are masochistic just describes that they do get pleasure or satisfaction from it. It does not explain why or how.

Many years ago a sub friend sent me an article that claimed there was a nerve connection to the clitoris from the bottom that was stimulated by spanking. Sadly I can no longer find the article. Are there readers who experience this? Does a spanking arouse you in a physical way or is the arousal psychological?

Some may find the psychological aspect of spanking, the submission, humiliation or degradation arouses them or gives them pleasure and satisfaction in different ways.

For many the fulfillment may be totally about the submission - the giving oneself completely into another's hands to do with as they please.

But I am clutching at straws here. So spankees. Put me right. What do you get out of receiving a spanking? Is there an erotic or sexual aspect to it? Is it purely about submission? Does it meet some other deep need? Is it a need to accept punishment to expunge a misdemeanor. Does it have to be severe enough to get the endorphins working? Do please shed a light on this question for me.

When a D/s marriage turns to abuse

A long time ago I wrote about a woman who had contacted me to say she had realised that her D/s marriage was not really D/s but was in fact abuse. Part of her coming to that level of awareness was through reading this blog. My recollection is that they had not been part of a scene and most of what she knew about D/s and BDSM she had learned from her husband. The last I heard from her she had divorced her husband, had a couple of Dom friends and was enjoying her life.

Recently another online friend has left her Dom husband and is currently seeking divorce. The situation is similar to the first in that much of her knowledge of D/s had originated from her husband though she has more recently been eagerly reading more. They were both quite young when they married. This case is slightly different in that her husband's behaviour has recently clearly changed from domination into abuse and she has been able to recognise that a line has been crossed.

We have discussed on here before the difference between D/s and abuse. I wonder though how easy it is to recognise if one is in a long term committed relationship? It might be especially the case if, like in these examples, the sub has learned much of what they know about D/s from their partner. Perhaps the crossing of that line between D/s and abuse is difficult to recognise when one is so closely and emotionally involved as part of ones whole lifestyle.

Might there be many subs who believe they are in a D/s relationship but are actually being abused - or perhaps it only becomes abuse once one recognises it, then the consent is withdrawn. Does anyone else recognise any of these issues or are they in truth very rare?

polyamorous or polysexual?

I have had a look back through the archive and discover I have written six previous posts about polyamory . This is an interesting topic that is worth revisiting. However I have been stimulated to return to it following an email from a friend. She pointed me in the direction of a very interesting article by Dennis Najee. You can find it here: Poly And BDSM.

He argues that true polyamory is more prevalent outside the bdsm world than in it. I was particularly interested in his distinction between polyamory and polysexual behaviour. He believes that in the BDSM lifestyle there are a high proportion that play with multiple partners. However he would define this as polysexual rather than polyamorous. I think there may be something in what he writes.

It is much more intensive and committed to commit to a polyamorous relationship as opposed to a polysexual one. So is there an implied rebuke in his assertion - that we in the BDSM world are not as prepared to give that commitment? That would seem strange as the whole nature of a D/s relationship involves a high level of commitment. I have previously seen it argues that polyamory is more rife in the BDSM lifestyle because of our openness to different sexual practices. Though does this just support his suggestion that we are polysexual rather than polyamorous?

He also argues that bringing an additional submissive into a D/s relationship is doomed to failure as it is likely to be based on the Masters desire for a polysexual relationship with a resultant lack of commitment.

Do you have experience of this or strong views about it? I would love to know what others think and I know my friend would do too.

The vanilla perspective

I often get emails from submissive women who are frustrated that they cannot get their vanilla husband or boyfriend to dominate them. Then a few days ago I got an email from John. He is in danger of losing his kinky girlfriend and is looking for advice. You can read his email and my response on Uncle Agony here.

I would be interested to hear the thoughts of readers.

language and submission

I wonder if I am a stickler when it come to language. For instance, I am forever scolding Inès for saying "I want" rather than "please Sir may I have". (Yes, I know. I clearly don't beat her hard enough!) The use of the correct words somehow seems very tied in with the dynamic.

It came back to me recently. A good online friend who I have been emailing recently wrote that if we ever got to meet she would let me spank her if I so desired. It was a kindness. A gift to a friend. We are just friends after all. So why did I rankle at the words "let me"?

Of course she was right to give permission but the words hinted at a holding on to power. That in "letting me" she would be the one in charge.

When trust has been gained though one then moves into a situation where the power can be given over to the other, putting them in charge. That power exchange has created a new situation, the beginning of a D/s relationship.

Then it would no longer be a matter of giving permission as that had already been given.

Imagine though an alternative. That instead of saying if I desired to spank her then she would let me, she were to say "please will you spank me." Using language in that way is giving permission, yet also passing control over to the other. The power has been given through the request in a way that saying "I will let you" does not. It is also making it clear that there is a desire to be spanked. It is not the mere giving of a favour but a submissive desire that gives so much more.

To me a submissive woman asking prettily for me to give her a spanking is so much more interesting and tempting than her giving me permission to do it.

Or is it all just language ... ?

a friend from Shanghai

When we were in Shanghai, Inès and I were remarkably fortunate to meet the amazing Quest. Quest is larger than life in lots of ways - an inspirational character. Several projects ensued. For one of them I took some photographs as Beau. You can see the results on Quest's website here. Do let me know if you like them - or those by the other photographer.

Quest's website, Consensual Roughness, is "part education, part experience. At CR we explore the possibilities of a kinky lifestyle, embracing the curious, the simple, and the quirky." She has the challenging aim to "revolutionize the popular perception of sex and sexuality by creating a safe, inclusive space to discuss erotic interests. We break barriers in the bedroom, confronting taboo sexual expression head on, inviting others to share in our open-dialogue."

To this end Quest is looking for writers and artists to contribute to the site. She writes, "Hey guys! I'm looking for writers (and artists, actually) to write for my website. Shoot me an email at consensualroughness@gmail.com"

If you think you might be interested drop her a line and don't forget to say "Hi" to her from Pygar/Beau.

Happy New Year

Wishing all of my readers a very happy and peaceful New Year. I hope you have all the spanks you desire in the New Year - giving or receiving depending on your preference!

Thank you for reading and commenting throughout the year. Good luck to you all.