Seasonal Greetings

Wishing all my readers an enchanting, spellbound and magical festive season.

Pygar xxxx

enchantment

I came across this word a little while ago - I forget the context but it was on a bdsm chat site.

The word - enchantment - jumped out at me as if it held a special meaning. I have looked at he dictionary definitions that in no way begin to describe what the word meant to me.

I thought back to two relationships where I felt I may have fallen love - whatever that may mean. I know they were special times with special women where my heart was captured and I may have been tempted to behave irrationally at times.

Perhaps I had been enchanted. There is magic and power in the word that seemed to better describe how I had felt.

There is something in the word too that has a feeling of possession and being possessed. I wondered if that powerful aspect might make it even more applicable to descriptions of relationships that had domination and submission at its heart.

Have you ever been enchanted?

- Or perhaps you are skilled at enchanting others . . .

cookie recipes

It is time for the second annual Great Online Cookie Exchange Extravaganza organised by Jz.

I have published my recipe on my Beau blog here.

Happy cooking and eating.

erotica and porn

Chatting with a friend the other day she said that she could deep-throat and often enjoyed it. However she hated it when a man held her head and forced himself into her mouth.

I wondered if the easy availability of so much porn with this kind of activity has made some men believe that behaviour like this is acceptable without having gained consent. Has porn made too many men confuse the line between fantasy and reality?

This is even more the case in BDSM. There is so much porn available of women being seriously hurt and appearing to enjoy it and get off on it. It is of course fantasy but is presented as reality. Yes there are many subs who can get off on pain in certain circumstances but as with vanilla porn what appears in videos is very different from what goes on in most peoples bedrooms.

I am worried that in a BDSM context it could cause inexperienced Doms to have inappropriate expectations that could put their subs at risk.

In terms of presenting unrealistic fantasy I am guilty of that myself. Some of my fantasies have appeared in writing in my Beau blog and the Dragonfly Geisha blog as well as elsewhere. They are fantasies and there is nothing wrong with that - unless of course readers expect real life to be like that. Then it can get dangerous.

Have any readers had experience of unrealistic expectations possibly caused by porn? Do any of you have views about the good and bad use of pornography?

Happy Thanksgiving

Wishing all readers from the other side of the Atlantic a very Happy Thanksgiving.

If any of you are still unsure about how to prepare the turkey I have published a video of a novel approach on my Beau blog here. Have fun!

and ...

... thank you also to Southern Sir who nominated my Uncle Agony blog for a VBA. Much appreciated.

more thanks (and an apology)

I had not noticed that at least two other bloggers had also nominated me for a VBA award. They were Sky and Sweet girl.

Again thank you very much to you both for your kindness. Please accept my apologies from missing you out on the previous post.

P xx

Thank you to thesubmissivebf and to subrosanomore for nominating me for the VBA (versatile blogger award.) You are very kind and it is appreciated.

More soon.

Pxx

wickedness

The desires expressed in comments to my previous post by subs - for Doms with at least a degree of wickedness, if not downright evil, reminded me of some posts written several years ago. There I bemoaned the fact that it was the bad guy who always seemed to get the girl.

If you missed them then do look back here, here and here.

kind or evil ... or a little bit of both?

In the comments to my last post Shadow described himself as an evil Dom. I wondered whether subs would be attracted more to an evil Dom than a kind one. Shadow felt that the evil Dom definitely had an advantage. Anna also recognised the appeal of a evil dom.

I am sure there may be times when I have a glint in my eye when I may play the part of the evil Dom - but deep down I hope I cannot be truly evil but instead my kindness will ensure my subs know they are safe.

However I do wonder whether many subs secretly crave the danger of an evil Dom and whether or not it is important to know if they scratch the surface that there is some care and kindness there also.

a "bit of fun"

blossom has recent published a post here asking readers to say what kind of 'slut' they are. So far readers have suggested ideas such as "faithful slut", "submisive slut" and "obedient slut".

It got me thinking about applying the same idea to Doms when I recollected I called this blog "a kind Dom". After my first meeting with a sub friend she described me as "a sensual Dom". I rather liked that and have used it since.

So I wonder if other Doms have a characteristic they use to describe themselves or whether subs have a word they would use to describe their Dom.

So I am "a kind Dom" or "a sensual Dom". What about others?

The Light in Things

A good online friend kirana has started a new blog here. I hope it may shine a ray of light for us.

Do pop in and say hello.

power

Some of you may know that for a few years I used to visit escorts. I had been faithful to my wife throughout my marriage until then. I needed something else and knew I could not handle an affair so ...

My first Beau blog - beau de jour - was about those experiences.

The power exchange part of an escort encounter is interesting. Most would assume the power is held by the man - the client. He is paying for sex so has the power. However I feel it is - and perhaps has to be for safety - the opposite. The escort lays down the rules on what can and cannot take place. She sets the boundaries - the hard limits if you like. These are necessary to protect her emotional safety as well as her physical safety. On the escort websites there are long lists in the services often of what they do or do not provide. The FAQ pages emphasise this even more. Very, very few escorts advertise themselves as submissive though many will provide Domme services.

They are the ones who need to be in power in this exchange. If the man (client) was in charge - then why would he have to pay? LOL

So much of relationships is about power and our interpretation of this. That I guess is what D/s and BDSM is all about. Even in D/s and BDSM there are long disputes about power - for example discussions on "topping from the bottom". Perhaps all relationships are about power but D/s is more open about it. Perhaps also D/s is the only one where one partner claims to desire to be the one to relinquish all power to the other.

Is D/s just different ends of a continuum of power exchange within all relationships?

dominance and obedience

A couple of weeks ago I published an email question here on Uncle Agony. I was a little surprised to see it generated only one comment whereas the previous post had provoked a much larger response. Clearly some questions are seen as more interesting than others or can give rise to more ideas of support.

Perhaps it was because the question seemed to be more of a domestic issue than a D/s issue. However for me there were some key D/s points.

To summarise briefly signed loving has fallen out with her husband's (also her Dominant) family. He wants her to go and make up with them. She finds that difficult. Her husband rather than instructing her to do so has not pushed her but wants her to resolve it when she is ready.

I think there is an issue as to whether in a domestic discipline situation her husband should instruct her to resolve the problem. It is clearly distressing to him and she has promised obedience. So should he not just tell her to sort things out and expect it to be done. He seems to be being very reasonable, recognising the consequences of forcing an issue that might be very important to his wife. However isn't the point of a domestic discipline relationship that the husband takes responsibility and should decide what needs to be done and instruct it to happen?

Also from the wife's point of view as she wants to please her husband and not spoil the "bliss" of their current relationship - should she not instigate what is necessary to resolve the situation from her own initiative? Does she not have a duty to bow to her husbands wishes rather than putting her own feelings first?

It just seems to me that the response to the question might be different in a domestic discipline relationship as opposed to in a vanilla relationship.

Any thoughts?

while I am away ...

I shall be away for a couple of weeks.

To keep you busy while I am away I have published a new email exchange here on Uncle Agony.

Do visit and add your comments.

Thanks

P xx

bondage

I seem to have revisited a number of topics so was surprised when I realised I had not talked yet of bondage.

Bondage fits so well with domination and submission that I am surprised if most such relationships do not incorporate it at least occasionally.

It fits in perhaps with the "helpless" post below. It creates an immediacy of power and control - and of course helplessness. There is a sensuality to it also and some subs just love the feeling of being held close by the ropes, challenged by positions and even the marks the ropes can leave.

There is beauty too in some ties. Japanese Shibari and Kinbaku can be regarded as art forms. I do enjoy that, however for myself I do not want the aesthetic of it to take away from sensual and dominance aspects of it.

I once tied a sub when naked in a lovely body harness that left her arms and legs free. She then got dressed over the top and we went out for the day. The feel of the rope moving on her skin and holding her close as well as pressing into intimate areas reminded her throughout the day of her control and submission. We had a lovely time when we returned home!

I wonder how it is for readers. Do Doms enjoy the control and power that bondage can bring? Do subs enjoy the sensuality and acceptance of control and the helplessness of being in bondage? Are there others who do not like it at all or who may even be fearful of it?

humiliation and the approach of Doms

My recent post about humiliation was partly inspired by a recent email from a correspondent. She wanted to know if use of a humiliating task by a Dom as a test of her submission was an appropriately thing for a Dom to do.

You can read her email and my response on Uncle Agony here. Please do visit and add your own comments if you have a view.

Humiliation

I am not into this in a big way at all. Perhaps in small ways that help enhance a sub's feelings of submission. However I know there are subs who get off on this in a big way - and also Doms who love to humiliate.

A recent correspondent told me of a very humiliating task she was expected to carry out. She could not do it - it was completely out of her nature and potentially dangerous as well as humiliating and degrading. It was the end of their relationship. He "released" her saying she was a wannabe and not a sub. I rather feel that he was the "wannabe" and would not have given a task to his sub that she could not complete if he truly understood her and cared for her.

However there are subs who thrive on humiliation. A sub friend of mine is such a one. A previous Master made her submit to and have sex with strangers, take photographs of herself masturbating in a male toilet, masturbate in her car at a lay-by with traffic passing, urinate wearing tight jeans standing in a busy shopping mall and probably far worse she has never told me of or I have forgotten! She is a mature, strong and intelligent woman. However she thrives on this.

I wonder how readers respond to this area. Can you enjoy being humiliated or humiliating another? Does it strengthen the D/s dynamic for you? Or rather, is it just in danger of removing respect and trust and destroying the dynamic.

Is submission itself a humiliation?

helpless

I can't remember how the word came into my mind recently.

Now I can't get rid of it as I have the Neil Young song relentlessly going through my mind.

However it seemed to me a counter balance to my previous post about fear. I was thinking of the positive and erotic aspect of helplessness. Who of us Doms does not find that aspect of submission so special - to have another helpless, totally under our control unable to do anything except submit to our desires?

And is that not also what many subs seek - to experience exactly that from the other side. To be truly "helpless".

Do you seek helplessness?

I wonder if lack or fear helps you find it - or whether you seek it to experience that frisson of fear?

fear

My previous post discussed punishment and domestic discipline and asked questions of when this might be regarded as abuse.

A very interesting discussion followed - and thank you again to all who contributed. Sweet girl contributed the interesting suggestion that the difference between dd punishment and abuse was fear.

But can fear have a role in D/s? Certainly a sense of heightened anticipation can add greatly to a BDSM scene. Perhaps this can amount to genuine fear in certain circumstances. After some discussion of this Sweet girl made it clear that she meant fear of the person rather than fear of the act. I agreed with this. Surely BDSM is built on trust - and can one trust someone who one fears?

But others may feel that even fear of the person might be part of a scene.

Have you been frightened in a scene? Have you been frightened by a Dom? Are they experiences you might wish to repeat?

punishment and domestic discipline

Yes - I know I said I wasn't going to write any more about punishment. I got tempted!!!

I was wondering about punishment and domestic discipline. Presumably in a domestic discipline relationship the sub should not enjoy the punishment - otherwise it would not help enforce the discipline. Some subs from relationships that they would not describe as domestic discipline have made similar points in comments on earlier posts.

But if the punishment is of a physical nature and the sub dislikes it - then is that getting close to abuse? yes - I know consent has been given as part of a relationship freely entered into. However there are relationships that clearly are abusive where the person abused does not remove herself from the relationship that she has freely entered into.

Intuitively I think we can all sense the difference. However I am still finding it hard to articulate the difference clearly and precisely.

a gift

Is submission a gift?

I have often described it such - as a precious gift from a sub to a Dom. Something that when given deserves care, respect and loyalty in return at the very least.

However this was recently questioned on another site. The writer - a sub herself - questioned why it should be described in this way. She wondered why was domination not a gift? She did not describe other attributes and skills in a vanilla relationship in this way. So why was submission a gift?

I still think it is but it has left me confused!

punishment, D/s and BDSM

Forgive another (final?) post on this topic.

I do use "punishment" as part of a D/s relationship. However it is not with the intention of punishing as such. It is because I want to! There is something of the sadist in me. So it would really be part of BDSM play rather than a serious approach to training. I still believe that praise is more effective for that. Though punishment can be fun.

However I want it to be fun for both of us. Though perhaps then it is no longer punishment.

I recognise that punishment forms part of the D/s dynamic and may even help a sub to feel more controlled and submissive. I think that is its justifiable purpose in D/s rather than as a means of control. A true Dom would have no need of punishment in a trusting and loving D/s relationship to maintain control. However it could be fun!

So perhaps my use of punishment is much more related to my BDSM interests than the need to use it to enforce my dominance. I feel no such need.

Though I have twice felt a strong desire to punish a sub severely and painfully. Both occasions were at a time of break up. Each time I felt I had been badly treated and let down. It made me angry. On the most recent case I have even fantasised about beating the said sub. However if she came to me now to make up I would feel no real need to beat her. The anger has passed and in any case a Dom should not discipline a sub when angry.

Does any of this hang together? I guess I'm just a crazy mixed up Dom!

praise

I have been offering some mentorship to a sub friends. She had recently come out of a long term relationship and was missing her submission. So I have been providing her with some support and tasks to help her maintain and develop her submissive feelings until she feels ready for a new relationship.

As I am not her Master - and also I suppose because I am standing back a little - I have not felt it appropriate to "punish" her. Instead I have used lots of praise for when she has done well - which is most of the time as she is committed and trying very hard.

So she has had lots of praise and encouragement as a sub and no punishment ...

... and she is doing very, very well. She is blossoming into her submission and feels that herself as well as it being my perception.

So I have a couple of questions.

1. Is it possible to have a D/s relationship where training relies totally on praise?

and

2. Am I misleading her by providing a regime that may be very different from a more punishment based one with a future Dom?

punishment

I have written a number of times before about punishment. However Uncle Agony recently received an email on this topic and I have published it here. Do please add your own comments.

It was a coincidence as I had planned to write a post about praise instead of punishment within D/s. I will publish it in a couple of days.

waxing

Subs - do you wax? Do you like to be smooth for your Master?

Dom's - do you like your sub to be smooth?

Is it an issue for you?

What if it was something that was particularly special. An issue for you. What if it was an issue for you both? What if it was a major issue for one of you one way - but equally so for the other in the opposite direction.

Is it always the Dom's call? How should it be resolved?

star has this as a real problem and has written to Uncle Agony here.

Do let her know what you think.

road block

Trance has written to Uncle Agony.

She is in a relationship where they are both new to D/s and keen to move forward. However they have hit an early road block. How do they get past it? If you think you may be able to help then please do comment here.

the role of submission in shamelessness

On a comment to an earlier post "submission and sex", Remittance Girl wrote ...

"I'm about to say something that will probably be considered very politically incorrect. I've come to believe that, for a great many women who take on the roll of submissives, submission is, ironically, a liberation that allows them to be sexual beings in a way they find more difficult in a vanilla situation. It becomes a very sexualized transition for them - even if it doesn't specifically involve sexual acts.

We live in a very strange time. Ostensibly, society encourages women to be equals, play the part of sexual aggressor, be proud of their sexual appetites, etc. But we are labouring under the weight of history - and our culture is steeped in a much older Judeo-Christian aesthetic that has, for 4000 years, drilled into the very fabric of our language that women with sexual appetites are bad, dangerous, evil, immoral.

And traditional feminism would have us believe that in the space of 40 years, all that earlier cultural conditioning can be negated with the click of the fingers. It's just not realistic.

Being submissive allows women to be hypersexual beings - to admit, explore and express that hunger - with 'permission'. This relieves them of the burden of being responsible because it is the Dom who acts as authority. And he, in essence, takes responsibility for when and how she gets to be sexual. But within that boundary, she usually gets to be very sexual indeed.

That's why I've argued very strongly that deciding to be a submissive is an intrinsically feministic act. It allows women to be who they want to be, without doubt or the subconscious guilt born of thousands of years of conditioning.

I do think, for most submissive women, sex is a pretty major part of being submissive. Even if that sexuality is not always explicit."

I am interested in her comments about being "politically incorrect" and on "feminism". I may come back to those issues in another post. However here I would like to discuss her view that being submissive frees their sexuality from restraints and gives them permission to be shameless. Because a submissive is no longer in control of her own actions - having given that responsibility to their Dom - they no longer have responsibility for them. In this way all guilt and social conditioning is removed. In its place is developed a new sexualised conditioning implicitly agreed with the Dom.

Many commenters to my previous post "shameless" also wrote of how their submisive relationship helped them to become "shameless". Sophia Anne wrote about "finding my sexual freedom in slavery" which led her to becoming more and more debauched and a libertine.

So does the argument hold water? Does the very act of submission help remove sexual inhibitions? Does submission make one shameless?

shameless

So powerful to feel totally shameless.

Though I wonder how much society can make some feel shame is aspects of their behaviour. A sub friend I know once felt some shame in her promiscuity and also in her submissive desires. I was so pleased with her when she wrote on her blog that our time together had helped her cast aside her feelings of shame.

Can you do that? Be strong and proud and cast aside your shame?

Are you shameless?

macho Doms

Perhaps the title I gave to this blog (A Kind Dom) was a reaction to any assumption that Doms needed to be macho. Yes a Dom needs to be confident and at times assertive. Perhaps that is "macho". But I have heard sub friends talk of of Doms who feel the need to express their machismo to the extent of not really being interested in the response of their subs.

It can come across often as posturing. As if the Dom feels the need to present themselves in a dominating role. Many of you may have seen this kind of thing - and it is an image that seems to present itself often.

However if a Dom has the character to lead and support and offer control to a sub does he need the machismo posturing - or does that come from those who would pretend to be Dom?

displays of submisson

I have been interested that many subs enjoy having a physical display of their submission. The wearing of a collar is a very popular example of this and I know many subs find wearing a collar very powerful.

Others take if even further into marking of their body. Many enjoy the marking that can come from a beating and enjoy it when these marks last for a while. Perhaps that too helps maintain the memory of a special time. Though I am really thinking here of examples such as tattoos. There are those who have a slave registration number or bar-code tattooed on their body. Clearly this emphasises their total commitment to their role.

Though perhaps in that case Doms should also do something similar!

Physical manifestations can be a powerful reminder and I have occasionally used items such as jewellery, chains etc in this way with a sub.

I wonder though if many Doms wear anything as a reminder of their dominance and commitment and whether that is as powerful a reminder for them.

holiday reading

I'm back! Yes thank you to the commenters on my previous post. My break was a little rest and relaxation and it was very enjoyable. I read a very popular thriller while I was away. It had me gripped - it was well written and exciting and I liked the characterisation. However there was one aspect that troubled me. Sadistic violence and abuse of women was part of at least three separate threads in the story. Each of the evil and violent men had their comeuppance as was dealt with severely. So the moral was that such behaviour was evil. However given that this was used gratuitously in the novel I felt there was a hypocritical approach in almost using it as titillation to draw in the reader. It had the opposite effect on me when I read one such event and I really felt for the woman concerned - who I had begun to like a lot in the novel. Perhaps also I did not like the fact that some things used in a consensual bdsm context were described here used in such a seriously abusive way. At the end of the book there was a short extract from the follow up book in the series. What did it contain? Yet another scene of violence on my favourite woman in the book! This just reinforced to me that the violence against women was being used in a gratuitous and titillating way and turned me off wanting to buy the next book. Before that I had wanted to because most of the book was about journalistic research, finance and computer hacking in a thrilling way and described some interesting characters and relationships. I also fell in love. No - not for real but with one of the women in the novel! Perhaps it was that mixture of intelligence, strength and vulnerability. Or perhaps it was that she reminded me strongly of someone with whom I was once very close. In most ways they are totally different - but there were some qualities that I felt were very alike. So when I found her bound and prepared for torture in the excerpt from the next book - I wanted to do serious violence to the author for putting her in such a situation again!!!!!

Pause

I shall be away all of next week. However I will be thinking of something to post on my return!

Back soon.

P xx

submision and sex

I have written before that for me BDSM is intimately connected with sensuality. But what about sex?

There is no direct connection between D/s and sex or BDSM and sex. For many, D/s is separate from sex and a BDSM scene may have no sexual content. Indeed many professional Dominatrices and submissives specifically exclude sexual contact from their services.

I do not have to have sexual contact as part of a scene - however I do like it. The submission of a woman to me has a erotic charge. It has often happened when I have read an email from a woman submitting to me where they have written nothing salacious - yet I have found myself become physically aroused. So yes, for me there is a direct connection between D/s and sex.

How is it for you? Do other Doms become aroused by someone submitting to them? And what about subs? Do you become aroused by another dominating you?

love

There is a great discussion taking place on Uncle Agony about love in the lifestyle. I am almost afraid to join in - in case I will put people off! Thank you to all who have contributed. If you haven't joined in yet or even read it then do get over there quickly!

love and the lifestyle

I have just published an interesting email about this on Uncle Agony. Do add your comments.

the importance of control

The last two posts have been to do with who has control in a relationship. Daneswood told me of an example of her own,

"I had someone offer to pay me £23k a year to be his Mistress. All I had to do is torture him and work him hard as a slave 24/7 and attend the odd business meeting on his behalf. He’d tailored his business to work online 99% of the time. I turned him down because I didn’t feel I’d have all the control, it would be him."

Daneswood felt that despite some of the things he wanted to experience being quite extreme - it was his list of activities not hers. She wouldn't be using her imagination and getting her pleasure from using him. In the end he still had the control as she was carrying out his instructions. Perhaps the financial aspect also gave him some control.

I suppose it was an extreme case of topping from the bottom. I think she was very virtuous to turn down the money though!

leading and being led

This is related to my previous post about who is in control and whether if is okay for a sub to sometimes take the lead and even control in order to give pleasure to her Dom. In this case though it is whether it is okay for a sub to take the lead in order to improve - or even create the necessary dynamic to make the relationship work. The idea came from little one in a comment on Uncle Agony. There was an interesting discussion about whether a sub should perhaps take the lead in emphasising her submission in the hope that it might awaken her husbands dominant side. little one felt this might create a dilemma when ultimately she wanted to be led rather than to lead.

(You can read the full discussion here.)

What do readers think? Is it sometimes good for a sub to take the lead or ultimately might that result in an unfulfilling relationship?

Domination, service and submission

I wrote some time ago about active and passive submission. I explained there how I prefer a sub to actively seek out ways of ensuring my pleasure rather than waiting passively to be used or commanded.

I was reminded of this recently by a post on a message board. The writer who was a Dom said that he sometimes felt submissive if he was passive while his sub was actively pleasing him. I think if a Dom is confident in his dominance then there should be no reason for him to feel submissive. Surely it is the role of a sub to serve and that is what she was doing. However I did get part of his point.

I can remember some years ago receiving a relaxing massage from a platonic friend. It was delightful but I somehow felt almost guilty lying there placidly and receiving pleasure when I felt I should be returning it in some way.

In a sense being serviced by a sub, allowing her to give pleasure, is giving up control and giving the control over to the sub. It is she who is in control of the pleasure giving. Isn't control a key part of the D/s dynamic? Should it not be the Dom who remains in control?

I see no problem with allowing my sub to take control of pleasuring me. However I wonder if other Doms feel it is not appropriate to give up control in this way and whether any subs feel uncomfortable about taking such control?

introducing your submisive needs to your husband part 2

The second similar email was from "London". We discussed whether she would be better discussing it openly with her husband or instead almost trying to seduce him into dominating her. You can read the emails here.

If you have a view then do please add to the comments there.

introducing your submissive needs to your husband

I know a number of subs who have tried to introduce their submissive needs to their husband but who have met with incomprehension or hostility. I occasionally get emails from subs who ask for advice on how to raise their needs with their husband in the hope that he will discover his Dom side and try to meet these needs. Sadly it does not always work out so well. Many husbands find it difficult to overcome their understandable desire to care for and respect their wife and find D/s and BDSM activities an anathema.

I have had two such emails recently. I have published the first on Uncle Agony here. I will publish the other in a few days. If you have similar experiences or some suggestions it would be great to read your comments over there.

anger

I read a post on a message board on a contact site a few days ago.

It was titled "Angry Play".

Basically it was asking if any Doms took it out on their subs when they were angry.

My response was that "Angry Play" isn't play - it is abuse.

I did receive some support for this view and for similar views. However there were many who supported approaches to playing when one was angry.

I have written about anger before here. (It was several years ago and on reading it again found it more articulate than my present thoughts!)

I was surprised though on the message board thread that so many were accepting about different approaches to "angry play". There was a strong feeling that play could help with dissipating anger.

I wondered what my readers think. Is angry play therapeutic or abuse?

kneeling

I am not a religious person. I do not have a religious faith.

But I do find some old churches very special, calm, peaceful places where I can reflect and consider or perhaps dream. I can even indulge myself in ritual or symbolism. A few days ago when I was visiting another city I popped into a favourite historic church. I lit a candle, thinking of some current family issues and those of a close friend. There is something appropriate (comforting?) about such rituals.

Later I remembered two others in the church who were kneeling - perhaps praying and in deep contemplation of things very close and precious to them. I thought about the symbolism of kneeling. This made me think also of subs kneeling for their Master.

In a religious sense it is a symbol (or aspect) of worship. Very powerful. Very intense. Is it this powerfulness and intensity of feeling what is being searched for in the different context of D/s? For the sub as well as for the Master. Or is it something different. Why is kneeling often used in a D/s context?

I have always asked subs to kneel for me. It has given a closeness and preciousness to our relationship - and emphasised the power relationship.

I have read suggestions that as our society becomes more secular many people who no longer have religion are looking for alternatives - such as astrology, meditation, almost anything to fill the gap left. I wondered too whether D/s or BDSM might for some be such an alternative?

A new question for Uncle Agony

Uncle Agony has received a question from puppy. She is a young sub having difficulty in finding a Dom to give her real time experience. You can read her email here.

If you have any suggestions I hope you may add a comment.

Thanks.

punishment

I have been struggling with another post all week ... and want to get it right before publishing - or perhaps just discard it. Perhaps it will be less controversial than I think but I need to word it correctly.

OK - then this is off the top of my head following on from the last post about pain and punishment.

So ...

Why punishment?

What has it got to do with BDSM and D/s?

Is it just an excuse for a sadist to administer pain or for a sub to accept pain? Is it really necessary to use punishment to express control? Surely if a Master has to punish to maintain control then he is not really in control?

How does it fit into Domestic Discipline? Positive reinforcement of acceptable behaviour has been shown to work better than punishment of bad behaviour. I would never condone spanking as an appropriate way of disciplining a child - so why for a wife (or husband)?

How does the concept of "punishment" fit in to BDSM relationships? Surely one can enjoy D/s and BDSM within their own structures and "punishment" need play no part. If I want to beat my sub or she wishes to be beaten then let's do it ... in which case it isn't punishment for either of us.

Please forgive any lightness in the argument here - just to keep you on the ball until the next post!!!!

Thank you all though for continuing to read and comment. I've had some lovely mail and thoughtful comments recently. I really do appreciate all the kind support.

pain and punishment

I have written a number of posts below relating to pain. The one aspect I have perhaps not addressed though is pain in relation to punishment.

It is partly because I have a problem with punishment. Yes - being punished can form part of a play scene - but I would never punish a sub with a beating for instance because she had displeased me. If she felt it would help her to suffer retribution for a misdemeanour then I might be prepared to carry out such a punishment but it would have to be at her request - or even pleading - and only if I judged it would really help her.

So you will have guessed already that I am not into domestic discipline. However I know there are readers of this blog who are part of such relationships. There will be others in different kinds of D/s relationships where pain is used as a punishment for certain behaviours.

But as I have described in other posts below - I want (need?) my sub to gain some satisfaction, fulfilment and even pleasure from pain I administer. Perhaps some subs in a DD relationship will say that they do get satisfaction from a painful punishment.

But therein lies the problem. If one comes to enjoy being punished - then surely it ceases to be a punishment?

A question for Pygar.

I have just received an email from Naughty Monkey. She has asked me a question as part of Q&A month.

As Uncle Agony has had few questions to answer recently I have published my answer to her interesting question on that blog. You can read it here.

Do pop over and let us know what you think.

Intimacy

When I was a college student I bought a book by Jean Paul Satre called Intimacy.

Why did I buy it?

Perhaps I was tempted by the picture on the cover. Or was it the phrase "corruption of love" in the description. There was certainly the pretension of pseudo-intellectualism in carrying it around with me unread!

But there was too something powerful about the word.

Intimacy

Perhaps it was something I craved but didn't have. It seemed to imply something erotic and special - a depth of experience I had not had then. I doubt I knew the meaning of intimacy at that time and I wonder if I do now.

It is not a word I use often. Certainly not recently. In thinking over the last few days about its meaning I found my immediate response to be very physical. To talk of an intimate relationship or encounter seems almost synonymous with describing a sexual one. Is that not how the word is most often used? Intimate contact seems to imply sexual contact, genital contact - a purely physical act.

However the more I thought of the word the more those earlier feelings returned. Intimacy seemed to imply something special - certainly more than fumbling sexual contact. There is an emotional context to it as well. There is emotional intimacy as well as physical intimacy. "Intimacy" itself seems to imply a physical and emotional connection that is much more subtle.

The more I have thought about it the more I feel that it implies a very special relationship that is not love or sex or affection or physical contact. There is something sensual about the word but something that implies a closeness that cannot be described by those other words.

I found myself thinking about this having read Jz's post about her relationship and some difficult thoughts and decisions.

In it she wrote,

"It is in that loft, however, where the intangible thing comes out to play.
It's not love - I've had that with people who never made it through the hallway. But it is nearly as visceral.
Because those who've run the gamut win my trust and together, we generate intimacy. True, profound, binding intimacy."

The word within that very powerful phrase held me. True, profound, binding intimacy.

I still don't think I fully understand "intimacy" or what it means. However, I have been reminded of the power of it and feel I should search it out once more.

I write of it here because it seems central to a bdsm relationship. What could be more intimate?

domination, pain and sadism

This is a follow up post to my previous post on submission, pain and masochism and its follow up pain.

My thoughts started with a combination of each but felt it might be better to try to raise issues from each side of the Dom/sub and sadist/masochist divide separately.

Dominance does not imply violence. In my day to day life I hate violence. I could not countenance hitting another person.

Unless.

Unless ...

... it was part of a consensual BDSM relationship.

How about if it were part of a consensual D/s relationship? Perhaps.

Perhaps?

Well ... it could be part of administering control and establishing dominance. It clearly would be with consent - but not necessarily with desire though I would treat it differently in each case.

The acceptance of pain can be a way that a sub can express her submission and a Dom can emphasise the element of control. However a Dom needs to take care here. The pain should not be in itself the controlling characteristic. A Dom should not control through the threat or administration of pain. In such cases it may cease to be Domination and become abuse.

No - it is rather through the acceptance of pain that within a trusting D/s relationship a sub may express the depth of her submission. This might seem like "topping from the bottom" but I believe it has to be the sub's acceptance of pain rather than the Dom's administration of pain that is the key in a non-masochistic relationship.

My key enjoyment is the combination and contrast of pleasure and pain. The exploration of the sensuality of sensation - whether pleasure or pain. The discovery of sensuous and sexual desire though exploration of sensation that could be either or both at the same time. As a switch friend once said to me, "pain is merely extreme sensation and not necessarily to be avoided - and sometimes even to be embraced."

But what if she is merely accommodating my own sadism? Am I a sadist if I enjoy the administration of pain? Does that matter? Does that make me cruel? Does that matter?

I enjoy administering pain as long as it is within a trusting D/s setting - where I know that on some level my sub partner is getting as much from it as me. Indeed I enjoy it all the more if I know that she is enjoying it too. I love masochists!

If she wasn't - I'm not sure I could do it.

But ...

I was interested in something Jz wrote on a recent post. She quoted a conversation with a Dom friend when he said ...

"That is really how I am, You must whimper because you are really whimpering, so that it is completely for my pleasure, and knowing that is what has to give you pleasure."

He wants her to whimper. To really whimper. Only for his pleasure. There is real sadism there. But he wants her to gain her own pleasure from knowing that it is giving him pleasure. In the end it will only work if she has pleasure too.

Part of me would like to search for that woman who will willingly whimper for me through knowing that it gives me pleasure. But part of me wants more than that - I want her to gain pleasure from the physical aspect too. I worry that the psychological pleasure of knowing she has pleased me could be so easily manipulated by some that it could come close to abuse.

I want most of all the sensuality of the connection of pleasure and pain.

pain

I had planned to move on from my last post about "submission, pain and masochism" to discuss it from the Dom's perspective. However the fascinating comments to the previous post have raised a few more points I would like to discuss first.

♥LETRENTEAVRIL♥ mentioned emotional pain. That seemed to bring in a whole new dimension which probably deserves - and, who knows, one day may get - a post all to itself. Emotional pain seems a very harsh thing to inflict on a sub - more so than physical pain. In many ways physical pain is easier to control - to recognise the impact of what one is administering. But emotional pain? That could be damaging in ways one could never see. Emotional or psychological bruises are invisible unlike physical ones.

I would be wary of administering emotional pain - but I recollect a meeting with a sub friend some time ago. We used to play together occasionally and I used to try to have a theme to make each meeting different. For one I chose pain and told her beforehand. I imagined she would expect it was about different kinds of physical pain - and of course it was - but also about other kinds of pain. I forget now what I had planned but remember introducing the pain of denial, the pain of rejection and of humiliation. I suppose these are kinds of emotional pain but they were intended in gentle ways where the effect was not intended to last outside the time of our meeting - but who can tell?

The other point that came from the comments was the lack of admission of masochism. In the main pain was tied up with the notion of submission - a gift to one's master. A few talked of their occasional enjoyment of pain and how this had developed, perhaps leading into masochism. However there was no detailed comment from someone who was able to describe enjoying pain for its own sake - or for what pain alone could bring to her fulfilment.

I suppose there are few who eagerly seek out pain but there are those who do gain great satisfaction from it. Sometimes they can be the same person. A sub friend - who I have not played with - told me of how she had a low pain threshold. She did not enjoy it at all. But she was seeking a master who could beat her severely. Once a dom had beaten her until she went into subspace. She said he was skilled and knew what he was doing and stayed with her holding her gently and close as she took some hours to come back down from that special place. She longed to find it again.

I wonder if others have had such experiences?

submission, pain and masochism

I have written about pain before here. However a conversation with an online friend has got me thinking about it again.

There is a big difference between a submissive and a masochist. There is no reason why a submissive should enjoy pain whereas a masochist revels in it.

Few of us will seek out pain except under special circumstances. However the masochist - and also the sub who begins to learn the pleasure of pain - know of the endorphins that are released that can take one to a special place.

That can be rare for many. It is also different from submission. I think though that the acceptance of pain can be enjoyed by a submissive without the endorphine rush as part of the submissive act. The fact that one would normally avoid pain (after all it is a natural sensation to warn us of danger and potential damage) makes it a very submissive act to accept pain from one's Dom. It can become a measure of the submission - a proof of the depth of it - an acceptance of control and the will of their Master.

So the pleasure in pain can be just a delight in one's own acceptance of control and the will of one's Master. If it were pleasureable in itself then perhaps it would not show and illustrate that acceptance of control and domination - the will to please one's Master despite the pain.

So the pain for a sub who is not naturally a masochist may be very different. However I wonder if this pleasure in accepting pain for a Master turns eventually into accepting pain as a pleasure in its own right. The fact that one is pleasing one's Master though accepting pain gives pleasure and satisfaction that leads one to seek it out ...

... does one then become a masochist?

For a sub in domestic discipline perhaps it is different again. In such cases a spanking or other beating is to control - to punish inappropriate behaviour. If one began to enjoy the spankings ... then surely it would no longer be a punishment and the discipline has gone?

Forgive these initial fumblings. It is a complex subject and I am eager to hear from readers. I have tried to write this from the perspective of the sub - and I have no experience of this. I will try to write later from the perspective of the Dom.

But for now - the sub's perspective. Am I wide of the mark?

struggle

I am struggling with a new post at the moment. I started writing a new post about pain - but am having difficulty with it. While I whip it into shape you might be interested in the following.

I wrote a little while ago about "topping from the bottom".

I have just discovered that someone has used it as the basis for a discussion on Fetlife. If you are a member you can read the fascinating discussion here.

I may try to publish a brief synopsis of it in a comment - unless anyone else feels the urge to do so!

Thank you HisSoleProperty for using my thoughts to engender further discussion of this topic. It is interesting to see how a different group of people have responded to it.

More about 'pain' soon!

lonely heart

Searching for that special sub ...

face slapping

I read a story by an online friend. In it, early on a first meeting the Dom slapped the sub across the face. He later repeated it. My friend confided that it was actually a true story.

I wrote to her that I was not sure I would have been so courageous as a Dom on a first meeting. There is something so very powerful and dramatic and potentially humiliating in a face slap - apart also from the pain and potential damage! Unless of course it had been agreed before the meeting as appropriate play. She told me that before the meeting she would have considered it a hard limit but at the time it moved her and created a passionate arousal.

It is not always like this though. I have seen two bdsm video clips where face slapping had clearly not been discussed beforehand. In each the actress - despite being involved in other very intense play - was upset and shaken by the face slapping to the extent that the scene had to be adapted.

I wonder what it is about this particular act that is somehow so personal and powerful? Any ideas? Do you enjoy/accept/endure face slapping as donor or recipient?

protection

I mentioned in my earlier post about mentoring that I was also thinking about "protection". I had been discussing this with blossom. She has written a post about it here.

There has been some discussion about it in the comments. I tend to agree with Dauntless Vitality in his comment here that it is most often seen on social networking sites. Sometimes a sub will even describe herself as "under Protection" as a way of avoiding too much unwanted and unsolicited mail from Doms.

Alice in her comment speculated on whether another sub could be a protector. I can imagine some scenarios where this would work but blossom was more dubious. I wonder what other readers feel about that?

By coincidence I had an email the other day from a sub who had recently been 'placed "Under Protection" '. With her agreement I have published it on Uncle Agony here. I feel her protector was overstepping the mark - I would be interested to know there whether others agree. However his description of the role of a protector seems very good.

So - what does protection in this sense mean to you? Is it something completely different? Is there a place for this in D/s?

mentoring

Sometimes on BDSM social networking and contact sites one sees subs describing themselves as being mentored by or under the protection of a Dom friend. I was discussing this recently with blossom. She posted about it here.

I have tended to assume just common sense interpretations of these words and corresponding roles. But is there more that comes with it from the D/s dynamic? blossom suggests there may be different levels that could even lead into a training role. For me though a training role would lie outside a mentoring role and be distinct from it. But where the line lies between them I am not sure. For mentoring is a kind of support which is close to teaching ... which in turn can come close to training.

Have any readers felt themselves officially or unofficially mentoring a sub or being mentored by a Dom? Is it more structured than I have described and should it be? Should training form any part of mentorship?

I was going to develop this further into the area of "protection". But that will perhaps be better as a separate post.

100

Thank you Marc_oo - or perhaps I should say "merci".

Mark_oo is the 100th follower of this blog. Thank you also to the 99 others. Please forgive me if I don't mention you all by name!

Some time ago David told me here that I also had 100 readers on Google Reader.

So thank you to those readers too.

All I need to do now is to think of something worth writing for all of you!

No pressure there then ...

PS - Anyone care to accept 100 spanks to celebrate? No? Oh well - it was worth a try! :)

woman

As well as her being a "good girl" I want her to be a woman.

A real woman - with a woman's strength, a woman's sensitivity, a woman's body, a woman's sensuality, a woman's sexuality, a woman's desires and a woman's needs.

Give me a real woman to love, care for, play with and use.

"good girl" - again

I was writing a comment in response to the lovely comments I had to my "good girl" post below. However the responses were all so personal and interesting that I decided to write a follow up post instead.

Thank you all! How wonderful to get so many responses. I suppose it shows how powerful those words were as I had suggested.

Forgive me if I don't thank you all by name - please consider yourselves thanked. "Good girls"!

(And hyvä tyttö to one who hasn't commented yet but also to any others who may understand it - including one who I think might!)

I understand how many of you have found it a term of praise and recognition and thus gives you great pleasure. But wouldn't "well done" do the same? Part of me thinks not.

There is something about "good girl" that seems more powerful Indeed is it not to do with power? The ability for a man to say to a grown woman "good girl" and for her to delight in it? For a strong woman in other circumstances - running a home, a job, taking on so many responsibilities ...

To be described as a "girl" - it might seem demeaning.

But as a "good girl" - then the contrast of the praise with that.

Can that be part of it?

thesubmissivebf mentioned the recollections of its use in our youth. Perhaps that is part of it too.

Mindset talks of the "inner child". Is there not an inner child in all of us that longs to be cherished?

nancy also mentioned the childhood associations.

So is there an element of feeling small and cared for that is part of this that fits in with the D/s dynamic?

NewToThisLife07 values the fact that a Dom also takes pleasure in these words.

Perhaps that completes the circle of domination and submission formed by those two simple words:

"Good girl"

But thank you all for the expressive way in which you wrote of those words moving you ... it was moving also to read of them.

P xxxx

"good girl"

Why are these two words so powerful?

I have used them twice recently with online friends - but not in a serious way. I am not the Dom of either of them. Indeed one has a Dom of her own. I intended no disrespect to him.

With each of them it was kind of an in-joke. It recognised their alignment as sub and mine as a Dom. It was intended as a kind and light hearted remark in the context of a friendly conversation. I was concerned each time in case I had overstepped the mark. It can be a very special comment between a Dom and their sub.

On each occasion the sub took it in the way intended - but also commented on the pleasure they had gained from me using those two words.

What is it about those two words that makes them so powerful?

So to all subs reading - thank you for visiting the blog. You are a "good girl". (Or "good boy"!)

tenderness

I have just published an email from George on Uncle Agony. Here is a small part of it.

"I am afraid "converting" to a D/s-type relationship will ... I don't know, ruin things? How do I balance dominating this girl who I love very much, and by whom I am so perfectly loved, with a D/s sexual relationship? I think that she truly needs to be dominated to be sexually fulfilled. She had a very difficult upbringing in that she was forced to grow up early. Giving up her control and surrendering to the world gives her the relief from her responsibility she needs. I am more than happy to do this for her. But I don't want to lose the hand-holding, kissing, laughing sweetness of a traditional relationship which I take so much pleasure in."

It got me thinking about tenderness, D/s relationships and BDSM.

There are some Doms who are stern and subs who want them to be like that. They appear strict all the time and may enjoy humiliating as well as beating their sub. From the outside there seems little tenderness and the love may appear to take a harsher form. However it may seem very different from the inside.

To me love, care and tenderness are an important constituent part of D/s and BDSM. I remember loving walking hand in hand with the sub who I have been closest to in real life. I enjoyed smiles, snatched kisses and looks - all the things that lovers enjoy. There seemed no contradiction between this and our D/s relationship. It was part of the glue that helped make it work.

Is tenderness not also a constituent part of BDSM? What else is the caress before or after the stroke of an instrument? Without such caresses, contrasts between gentle and fierce, would it not just be a punishment? Just the S without the BD and M.

At then end too of a demanding, intense, painful or emotional scene the helping to bring the sub back to the real world. The holding, hugging, caressing, kissing ...

Perhaps there is more need for true caring and comforting in such a relationship than in other relationships.

Surely tenderness is an essential part of BDSM?

Happy New Year

Happy New Year everyone.

I hope you all find happiness and fulfilment - as well as a host of sensual delights - in 2011. I hope I do too!

And who knows - we may even find some interesting topics to discuss!

I can hear fireworks going off around me as I write - so once again Happy New Year!!!!