BDSM 101

If you would like to have a go at this perhaps you might like to copy it into the comments section or onto your own blog. I would be very pleased to have responses emailed to me (at beaudejournee@yahoo.co.uk please.) I will try to reply to any that I receive (with assessment and grading of course!)

Good luck

BDSM 101

End of Semester examination paper

Answer all questions

Time allowed: 90 minutes

Section A

1. RACK or SSC?
a) What do these acronyms mean? Explain in detail.
b) Why are they important?
c) What are the advantages and disadvantages, strengths and weaknesses of each?
d) Which do you adhere to? Justify your decision.

2. Trust is key to any BDSM relationship. Give an example from your own experience of where trust has broken down and describe the consequences.

3. Overheard at a munch. "In the end it is all about sex isn't it?" What do you think he meant? Was he right?

4. Sarah and James were in a close BDSM relationship for 5 years. Sarah suffered from bipolar disorder which was mostly controlled through medication. Before meeting James, Sarah used to self-harm, often through cutting herself. Whilst in the BDSM relationship with James she no longer felt a need to do this. Their BDSM play was somewhat extreme. It involved needle play, stress bondage positions and heavy beatings including use of a whip. Eventually the relationship broke down. Some months later Sarah went to a police station with her lawyer. She claimed she had been restrained, whipped and beaten by James and although she acquiesced at the time, that because of her mental condition she was unable to give informed consent. She showed photographs of scars on her back and breasts. How should the police respond?

Section B

1. Write a haiku about pain.

2. Complete this paragraph, "I am a submissive/switch/dominant (delete as appropriate) because ... The final paragraph should contain EXACTLY 100 words.

3. Write a short story or poem that illustrates the sensuality of submission.

Festive Reading

If the festivities all get too much for you ...

... then why not find a quiet corner and browse through some of the "Top 100 Sex Bloggers of 2014".

There are many that I know but also lots that I don't. It looks like fun reading.

Festive Greetings

Wishing all of my readers the compliments of the season. I hope you find some peace and tranquility as well as lots of fun. Beau has posted slightly more scurrilous festive greetings here.

I will not have time to write much more before I return to Shanghai straight after Christmas.

I have however drafted and scheduled one more post. It is in the way of being a New Years quiz which many UK newspapers often set at this time of year. However I have done it in the style of a college examination paper. It is intended as a bit of fun but has a serious element to it. If you would like to have a go then you could write your response in the comments or on your own blog if you have one. If you would prefer to email it then send it direct to me at beaudejournee@yahoo.co.uk (my gmail accounts work less well in China but should now divert to the yahoo account anyway.)

I have scheduled the post to appear on New Years Eve.

If you write your response on your blog I would be very grateful if you were able to send me a copy as Blogger and Wordpress are difficult to access in China.

Good luck

Pygar/Beau

back from Shanghai

Not had time to discover much of kink in Shanghai though I am sure it exists. There is a group on Fetlife. I haven't mastered the software yet though to get through the new Great Wall of China - of Internet control and censorship.

Since I got home I have exchanged a few online words with some Shanghai kinksters so maybe I will get up to some more fun there soon. I also started a discussion with a Shanghai blogger. Do check out her very interesting blog Consensual Roughness with lots of good discussions. (You can find the discussion section by clicking on Rough House.) I think you might like it ...

being really scared

Bitch recently commented as anonymous on a previous post scared.

I was interested to reread the previous comments on this post. It was quite fascinating. The notion of fear within the bdsm dynamic could possibly be quite central. I don't want Inès to fear me but by coincidence I found myself a few days ago fantasising about causing fear to a sub.

Bitch also brought into the discussion the issue of being strong but wanting to totally let go into submission.

I may post her question soon on Uncle Agony.

some sad news

I am sorry to start my first post on my return from Shanghai with some sad news

An online friend wrote to me a few weeks ago to let me know that David who wrote the blog DSinVegas - A View From The Top had sadly passed away. I did not know David well but we had corresponded a few times over the years.

I know of others who have disappeared from the internet and close online friends have never go to know what was the reason. So if you think you have readers of your own blog who may have known David perhaps you might pass on the sad news.

Thank you.

Tomorrow ...

... I catch the plane to Shanghai via Istanbul.

I am not sure how easy access to Blogger is from there or how much time I will have for posting. So I may be saying cheerio until the end of November. Do pop in occasionally though in case I have found an opportunity to post.

I had planned a special post to keep you thoughtful and active while I am away but I'm afraid that preparations and other complications have not left me time. Who knows though - perhaps I will write it in Shanghai. I think you will find it interesting.

If you are in Shanghai - then drop me a line.

Have fun while I am away.

P xx

fetish

Hey - I'm not in Shaghai yet, but I am going to Hamburg for a week. While I'm away any thoughts on the topic of 'fetish'?

BDSM seems inextricably linked with domination and submission. How though does fetish link in to this? Some fetishes - like a foot fetish for instance - seem to have little directly to do with D/s. However feet kissing for instance could be seen as a very submissive act.

Is is sometimes to do with the sensuality of things like leather, latex, rope, chains that are often used in a BDSM scenario?

Is fetish part of your relationship? Is it intrinsically linked to the dominant/submissive or BDSM nature of your relationship or is it totally separate?

gifts

I read a piece on Fetlife recently where a sub was wondering why submission was often said to be a gift. Surely, she wrote, subs submit because they get something out of it. In that sense they are doing it for themselves. D/s relationships exist because each is getting satisfaction and fulfilment from it.

Her argument seemed very sound but part of me felt that there was something so powerful about submission that it at least felt like a gift. I wrote a comment to that effect and I finished by wondering if domination was then a gift too.

Then I looked back on this blog and discovered I had written almost exactly the same thing three years ago here. Then many subs described domination as a gift also. What do readers think now. Is there something special about submission that makes it a unique gift - or can dominance be a gift too?

Shanghai

In a few weeks I am hoping to be going to China for most of the following 12 months. I am not planning to keep my blogs active while I am away. If you are from Shanghai or know the city well do write to say hi!

I have only one draft post ready before I go. So if there are any topics that you would like to see discussed here or old topics that you feel could be revisited then do write and let me know.

trust, intensity and safety

I had a number of interesting conversations at a recent munch. In one I was chatting with two guys. I agreed with one who said that the nature of trust in D/s relations made for a high level of intimacy and commitment. However the other disagreed.

I had described the trust necessary to allow someone to tie you and place yourself totally in their power. However he argued that was no more trusting than inviting a stranger in for a coffee after a few drinks in a bar having met for the first time. He felt this was possibly even more trusting. After all - are not those in the D/s scene actually more trustworthy people?

So would you trust a Dom more than any other passing psychopath? Is trusting a Dom no more dangerous than the trust needed to be alone with someone after one or two meetings? So is the level of trust in D/s no greater than in other relationships and therefore the intensity of the relationship no greater?

style ...

Perhaps it is all a mater of style.

I was thinking about this initially because of a question I was asked about brattiness by libby which I answered here. I have written previously specifically about brattiness and you can read my thoughts here and here. However on this occasion I found myself comparing styles of submission. There are those who like to be forced into submission. This is not exclusive to those who describe themselves as brats or who are into brattish styles of behaviour. There are others who enjoy the experience of being forced, who like to have their will challenged and broken, who like the element of fight before they are overpowered, who enjoy a battle of wills and seeing their own controlling instincts broken down. Some just like to be broken.

I am not sure though that I am the kind of Dom who enjoys this fight. Don't get me wrong - I do like strong women. Most of my subs have been strong and powerful women in their own way and often very controlling themselves in their instincts. However I do not want constant battles.

Rather than being forced into submitting to my desires I want them instead to plead to be allowed to try to meet them. I love a sub who learns to plead prettily to meet my needs and does so eagerly with enthusiasm.

Is this just a matter of style or is it a more fundamental difference?

revisiting "shame"

I wrote about 'shame' earlier this year here. It was stimulated from comments to a post about humiliation. In the comments two subs, Missus Whore and ara, wrote about how they got off on shame as part of the D/s dynamic. It was seen as being almost a positive feeling, state or experience that they worked through.

In comments to a more recent post, Ana H. and Lea also wrote about shame. However their thoughts about shame were more related to shame about themselves or about themselves as a submissive.

This seemed very different. There seems to be a contrast between shame as part of submission rather than being shameful about one's submission. The former seemed to have the potential to be a positive fulfilling part of play whereas the latter seemed to have an inherent negative character.

For myself I would prefer if shame had no part in the dynamic. I would love D/s to be a positive and life affirming activity for all who engage in it. I am though too idealistic and realise that many people's lives and personalities are far more complex than that. Perhaps because of my own desire that I want my sub to be shameless I find it hard to get my head around the nuances here. Have I got it right? Is there a positive as well as a negative aspect of humiliation that can come to the fore in D/a play? Can a Dom understand these distinctions and help alleviate negative aspects of shame yet emphasise positive ones?

...

 Ana has beat me to it in a comment this morning to the previous post here.

I will copy her thoughts into a new comment to this post to help continuity and perhaps inspire further discussion.

- P

can D/s help support those with a desire to self-harm?

Ana wrote two very interesting comments about self-harm here and here.

"In my case, I crave the pain. I dream of it, I write of it... but I am in a strictly vanilla relationship. I will never get what it is that I really want, so I find other ways. I can only imagine the high one must feel when one combines the joy of pain with the ecstasy of an orgasm. Submission is intriguing to me in a literary way but it doesn't please me as much as it does some of my friends. We all have different needs. I'm curious as to how a dom has handled a sub who wants to self-harm and needs the pain? "

and

"The challenge I see is that one self-harms for a number of reasons. For me, it is an escape from reality, but at the same time a reconnection. Odd, I know. The escape is from the overwhelming emotions I feel. The reconnection is to stop feeling numb and start feeling pain. It is an incredible release but at the same time I know how wrong it is. I've often wondered if a Dom had a Sub who felt this way, how he would control it, would he even try to? Would he replace it with pain that he delivers? If a Dom is supposed to know and take care of all of a Sub's needs, I'd think that taking care of her self-harm urges would be part of that. I'm also curious that if a Sub was destructive in a mild way - not sleeping, not eating well, self-harming, small elements of self-abuse - how would a Dom deal with that? Punishment would only please the Sub who felt that way, as one of the reasons she would act out would be to be punished. I realize that there is a bevy of punishments that are not painful, but when one self-harms, it's not *just* about the pain. It's also about the failure, the punishment, and the redemption. It's an interesting grey area, one that could be dangerous if not handled well. In that way, the Sub could not be trusted, if she could not even take care of herself at a base level. Late night musings from someone who should know better yet doesn't. Kindly, Ana "

I do see a difference between this and self harm. I have discussed it a few times on the blog. I have found such posts here, here and here.

 It is a very difficult area and I think the points Ana makes are very apposite.

I am interested too in finding answers to the questions she asks as I know I certainly do not have them all. I would be very interested to find the views of others who may have direct experience.

Ana seems to be hoping that a D/s relationship might help her meet her desire to self harm but in a more constructive way? Is this a realistic expectation? Have others found it worked for them?

slave or submissive?

On  previous post here Ana wrote an interesting comment about terminology.

"Pygar - as a long time lurker, I look forward to your next post. One thing I'd like to ask is are there Doms/Subs who don't like the Master/Slave title/role? For me, there is something very demeaning about the slave title or role, not criticizing those who thrive in it, but I can't imagine it for me. My exposure comes mostly from stories and porn, both of which are notoriously inaccurate. Still I wonder are there people out there who see a D/S relationship as more than just a Master/Slave? Perhaps it is just titles, but slave to me implies leaving everything behind, including my intellect and desires. Being completely out of control. Whereas Submissive means I give my control to my Dom - freely and happily, not as a slut (again, apologies to those who like the term, I don't) but as a highly intelligent, educated, skilled woman who wants to give her Dom the greatest gift she can. Perhaps it is all just terminology? Ana "

I think of my relationships as Dom/sub rather than Master/slave. I have written about slavery before here.  I also found a draft post that I never finished which described how I felt almost captivated and possessed by the beauty and submission of someone I was very close to at the time. Then I found another draft post about ownership. I tend to promote self-ownership rather than the kind of ownership by another that can lead to damage or harm.

The slave/sub debate may, as Ana suggests, just be terminology, However language is important and using different words can represent real differences in attitude, commitment and behaviour.

I think that Ana's descriptions of the differences between slave and sub are very perceptive and to my mind pretty accurate. It would be interesting to know the views of others - particularly perhaps those who would describe themselves as 'slave' rather than 'sub'.

being open about our needs

There was an interesting response recently to two posts about physical and also psychological and emotional aspects of bdsm - here and here. In comments to the first post there was unanimity in emphasising the importance of the psychological and emotional aspects - that they somehow made the physical possible. In the second post though there was a strong admission of the power of the physical aspect. However, some suggested that they sometimes found "owning up" to their physical needs quite hard.

All this got me thinking about whether there is something in all of us that makes it hard to be open about our deepest needs. Might we in some way feel ashamed or guilty about them? Do we need the excuse of being made to do it or perhaps we are frightened to just open up and admit it.

Are some needs and desires just too dark or deeply hidden in our psyche for us to be open about them?

Do you have needs and desires you have never dared share? If so, why not?

Have you needs and desired you are even frightened to own up to yourself about?

Do tell. We would love to know!

(PS Pleased do also look at and contribute to the very interesting discussion about controlling or being controlled here.)

controlling or being controlled ...

Lauren posted a question here to an earlier post about submission, pain and masochism. I have published it on Uncle Agony here in the hope that readers may have some thoughts.

next post ...

... is coming soon.

I got diverted a bit by replying to questions from libby and Des. You can read my replies to their questions on Beau's blog here.

Awards ...

It must be the award season again. I have just received an email from libby. In it she has let me know that she nominated me for a blog award here. Thank you libby. I am honoured and you are too kind.

By chance I have discovered that a very long standing blogger friend, Desireous, recently also nominated me for the same award here.

It is not the first time I have been nominated for this. I wrote previously about it here.

Alas, as with all good things - they seem to come with duties and responsibilities. It seems I have some questions to answer and other tasks. I think I will pass these over to my alter ego Beau where you can read all about it. Thank you very much libby and Des.

(Questions now answered on Beau's blog here.)

physical

In my previous post I discussed the relationship between the physical and psychological or emotional aspects of bdsm. There was unanimity from commenters that the psychological came to the fore. That however much one may crave the sexual or other physical aspects, in the end it was the psychological and emotional aspect that won out. They were what made the physical possible, they were what made the physical work so well.

Beau had published a link to Domina Kat's recent post confession. In it she writes very powerfully of her physical needs. So I thought I might use that as an example of real physical need as opposed to psychological. However on re-reading it the psychological element does come out from it. And Kat herself wrote in a comment, "The emotional/mental is what leads the way in our relationship."

nbs joined in the comments to the last post to point out that however much she may have recently changed and become more masochistic that did not imply that the psychological need was not at the core of her relationship. 

I suppose all needs must have a psychological element. The very word 'need' has a psychological power to it.

However surely some needs just are deep physical needs. I wonder if we may be frightened of owning up to them. Is it too dangerous to give ourselves up to our animal instincts? Surely some of what we do is to explore this aspect of ourselves ... to explore those animal needs.

No?

psychological and emotional... or just physical?

I was talking with someone last week who said he had been into masochism and now was into sadism and masochism. However he wasn't into submission or dominance. That side didn't interest him - it was purely the physical aspect that he was there for.  The same evening someone else said to me in relation to D/s and BDSM, "It's all just about sex, isn't it?"

On the post below nbs commented, "... I've found myself much less submissive and more masochistic." So is she too finding she is mostly into the physical aspect?

So how important is the physical aspect to you? If you had to chose between the psychological relationship or the physical one, which would you chose?

is dominance a rarity?

Is true dominance a rarity? I often get emails or comments from subs asking how they can turn their partner into a dominant or how they go about finding a Dom. In the past I have put this down to just the problem of meeting up with the right person in the same way that a Dom may be looking for a sub. Is it perhaps the case though that "true dominance" in reality is a rare quality? In a recent comment to an earlier post Lauren wrote, "but I haven't yet spoke to a true Dominant Person, all the so called 'Dominants' I've had, I've had to teach them how to be dominant."

I have had times where I have found it hard finding a submissive partner. Is it harder finding a Dom? Are they really so rare?

scared

A new comment was added recently to an old post here. In it Lauren wrote,

"I purposely try to be bad in order to get punished... my ultimate goal in this is that I'm so scared to disobey him that I obey him.... I want to be scared, it turns me on... Is that submissive or weird?
I also am masochistic..."

I wonder if others like to be scared? Does it turn you on? Do you have to provoke your Master to get him to scare you or do you have someone sadistic enough?

As a Dom I don't really want to scare my sub. I would not want her to be frightened of me. A little nervous anticipation though ... !

Is fear part of the dynamic for some couple? But if there is trust - is it real fear or just nervousness in anticipation of what may be to come?

double lives

There was a recent comment to an Uncle Agony post by Anonymous which you can read here. I've written a short post related to it on Uncle Agony here.

It got me thinking though about how people with strong and undeniable feelings of submission and dominance and are able to cope. I was recently in correspondence with a sub on Fetlife. Her husband had tried to dominate her but it just didn't work out. He just wasn't cut out for it. However he could see that she needed her submissive desires fulfilling. He gave her permission to search for a Dom and to submit to him as long as there was no penetrative sex. It is still early days but so far is working out well. However, there will no doubt be difficulties to overcome.

Few husbands, or wives, are likely to be this understanding and accommodating. If the needs are overwhelming then the only other ways forward seem to be separation - or having a secret affair. Anonymous, in the comment mentioned, describes herself as being married with three kids and living a double life. Her advice to other married women is, "if you test the water be prepared to swim."

I wondered how others may have resolved this problem in their own lives. If you too have tested the water - did you sink or swim?

online friends

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online ...

How important is the internet to you in relation to D/s and BDSM?

It can be a wonderful place to discover new things and to research areas one wants to know more about. It is a great place too to find out about other's experiences. There is a proliferation of blogs where people are describing their journey's into and through this world.

Would you have got into D/s without the internet? Is your relationship enhanced through knowledge you have gained from the net?

community

How important is the community of others who share a love of this way of life to readers I wonder?

Many I believe are in stable relationships that can be very independent. However a feeling of community and belonging can be very important. It can give an affirmation of one's views and lifestyle. It is good to know that others share one's approach to life. It is good not to feel alone.

So how do you get that feeling of community and affirmation? Some may be active in the "scene". There are munches and events galore. Some delight in being part of the scene whereas others avoid it like the plague. Some may perhaps get their feeling of belonging from an online community - of bloggers perhaps or through social networking sites like Fetlife.

So what about you? Is a sense of community important to you? Do you seek it out eagerly in real life or does an online community fulfil that need? Perhaps though you have no need of being part of a community and do not need a feeling of belonging.

Having got into it ...

Following on from my last post, "How did I get into this?" then - what next?

If it is a new relationship or a new character to an existing relationship then at least there is someone to explore with. That can still be an issue though. Couples can sometimes feel a little alone and lost in the same way as individuals when they begin to explore areas as seemingly deep and scary as this. They too may need support. So communities form. One can feel no longer alone, discover new and exciting things, learn and grow with the support and friendship of others. Sometimes this can be online as well as in real life.

For the individual it can be even more difficult. I often get emails from people who have discovered their submissiveness and wonder how they can find someone who will help them fulfil their hopes and dreams and meet their desires in a safe and caring environment. This can of course be fraught with danger so is very difficult. Those dangers can be emotional as well as physical. So it can be difficult to offer good advice other than through similar suggestions to those above. Real life and online communities of like minded people can be a good and safe place to make new friends and to begin to explore one's needs.

I do wonder though if it can be even harder for a dominant person. There can be the fear that to ask for help, to appear insecure in ones nature, is undomly and the antithesis of what one is trying to present. How can one be a Dom yet be insecure in searching for new relationships and one's role within them? A Dom is perhaps expected to emerge fully formed with a possy of submissives in tow.

So - next steps. Having got into this world how do you develop and flourish? Perhaps those who have blossomed might share the secrets of their success.

How did I get into this?

One of the interesting questions that Sh asked in her email to Uncle Agony was "... how do you begin to get into this type of relationship? "

So just how did I get into this? This relationship in particular seems almost by chance. An internet contact, two people with complimentary needs and it is working out very well.

But how did I get into wanting, desiring, searching for a BDSM relationship? With me it came gradually I think. The desire had always been there - an awareness of the sensuality of BDSM play which I found attractive. It was some time though before I felt the need for a relationship - which is essential I think in real power exchange. For me that was at first online which in turn led to real play and face to face relationships.

For others I know that this search or development has been from within a pre-existing relationship which in many ways is all the more fascinating.

So how did you get into this anyway?

BDSM and Sex

In an interesting email to Uncle Agony (which can be read here) Sh raised a lot of interesting points. You can read two very thoughtful replies by Petals MJ here and by Lyoness here. It got me thinking about a number of issues.

One of them is whether sex in a BDSM context is more intense, more satisfying, more exciting, more fulfilling - just better, I suppose! Betsy T wrote in a comment here that she thought women in BDSM relationships had higher sex drives - and that BDSM had certainly had that effect on her.

So does BDSM increase your sex drive? Has it improved desire and satisfaction? Is sex in a BDSM context just better?

BDSM and sexual satisfaction

Sh has never been fully sated by a sexual encounter. Might a D/s relationship or BDSM be the answer for her? She wrote about it to Uncle Agony. Do pop over to read her email here and let us know your views.

becoming a Dom

In my last post, changed, I asked about the change inherent in becoming a submissive and received some wonderful responses from subs describing how that change had affected them. It got me wondering if there was anything similar in the development of a dominants personality.

One would expect that a Dom has a dominant personality. But just having a dominant personality does not make one a Dom. In fact being domineering might be seen as very different from the skills and attitudes needed in a good Dom. There are also couples who have negotiated and developed a D/s relationship where the Dom did not fall into the role naturally but had to work at it. I have come across subs whose husbands while being strong characters found aspects of the D/s relationship hard to embrace. It was something they had to work on together as a couple.

Myself? I don't think of myself as domineering and am often seen as kind and gentle. Perhaps I have though always been good at getting my own way without making a big deal about it. Perhaps I have been quietly manipulative! On becoming part of D/s relationships though I have certainly discovered a side of me that revels in being in control. The power certainly feeds my self confidence and self-esteem. It arouse me and fulfils me in special ways. There is something very special in having a woman have such trust in you to give herself up completely to your wishes and desires - and of course an accompanying responsibility of care.

There are more subs who tend to respond to my posts than Doms - but I wonder if there are readers who have found themselves changed through becoming a Dom. Or subs - what about your Master? Have you seen such changes?

changed

Diving into submission, being immersed in the delights of it, giving yourself over totally to the use of another ... it is a heady and extreme experience.

It can be life-changing.

How changed are you? Do you delight in those changes? Are they all positive? Do you ever miss the old you?

public display

In a comment to my recent post on humiliation nbs wrote,

"I'm often made to show myself off in private places to strangers..who are generally delighted. I hate it.. and love it and of course, do it for Sir."

It makes her nervous and ashamed ... and she loves it!

There are some though who delight in showing themselves off to strangers. I suppose if one has such an exhibitionist streak then there is no shame or embarrassment but just the thrill, even power perhaps, of public display.

Then there is the display at pubic events where couples may play in front of others. I know many subs get off on being played with in public in this way. I wonder if it is their exhibitionist streak or the delight in the humiliation of being restrained and used in front of others for their pleasure.

Do you get off on public display? If so is it because of a feeling of humiliation and display that feeds your submission or is it the power of exhibitionism?

shame

I have written some time ago on the topic of "shameless" here and here. However I am surprised to find I have not previously written about shame. I suppose that was because I have deliberately and purposefully tried to eliminate any concept of shame from my relationships. I want a submissive to be completely open to me without shame. I have regarded it as essential to the nature of our D/s relationship. I have always tried to make my subs shameless.

So it was extremely interesting to read the contributions on my previous post by Missus Whore and ara. I was writing about humiliation. Both Missus Whore and ara wrote that for them humiliation and shame were inextricably linked. I am worried that in trying to précis their words I will misrepresent their views as I am still trying to comprehend them fully. So do read their original comments here and here.

What do other readers think? Is shame and the struggle to get beyond shame part of the thrill and excitement of D/s? Is shame or shamelessness an integral part of your relationship?

humiliating

I have written some time ago about humiliation.

It is not something that I am particularly in to. In fact I perceive a contradiction between  respecting someone and accepting their trust and then humiliating them. There is a kind of mental cruelty that it is against my nature to dole out.

On reflection though that seems strange when I am happy to bind, beat and use my woman. Is that not also a humiliation?

Do other Doms have similar feelings? Do subs who are into humiliation find it harder to get their Dom to humiliate them than to dominate them in other ways?

Or perhaps it is just me!

a sore bottom

I am sure that most 'Agony Aunts' mget questions about people having bits that are sore. However Uncle Agony got an email from LL complaining that her bottom was not sore. You can read it here. If you have any suggestions for her please do respond there.

I was wondering though dear subbies. Would you be secretly very pleased if your bottom became numb so that you didn't feel as much pain when being spanked - or like LL, do you want to feel the full effect of every stroke?

Being Dominant

Discussing learning about dominance here and here I found myself thinking again about the concept of dominance - and 'domliness' if there is such a thing.

I was wondering whether the usual image of it in a person may be quite wide of the mark. That may be why so many 'pretend' or 'wannabe' doms just don't quite manage it. They perhaps invest too much on the outward trappings without having the inner qualities.

Some Doms may have all the alpha qualities that perhaps fit the image of a powerful, dominant, controlling personality. I don't think they are necessary though. Other doms may be quiet, unassuming, friendly, kind, almost reticent - yet somehow they always seem toget their way, to be in control, often without one even noticing it.

Is that not also dominance?

Learning about dominance

How does one learn about dominance? Is it something that one just knows, that is part of one's very being, or is it rather something to be taught and learned? What about the ethical dimension? Are there things a dominant needs to learn before he can safely take control of a submissive?

These thoughts came to the fore when reading a recent email addressed to Uncle Agony. You can read the full exchange here.