Tuesday, 16 October 2018

Must Doms have an alpha personality?

I was talking with a friend recently, eating lunch outside a cafe bar in Berlin. (Like you do!)

She is switch and I found myself talking about the roles of Dom and sub.

I used the following example.

I am imagining a couple in a bar. Is one of them a Dom because they are alpha and always go to the bar to order the drinks or are they Dom if they task their sub to go to the bar to order the drinks? (In the UK it is normal to go to the bar rather than wait for a waiter.)

It sounds minor but I think it is at the heart of whether "Dom-ness" is being an "alpha" personality or whether it is to do with having control and getting what one wants. Sometimes that can be through being an alpha personality - but not always.

The same friend emailed me recently. She is a switch and had told me that she was currently feeling much more in sub mode. She was excited to be in a new relationship. Her new friend was eager to fulfil her wishes. "Very submissive. She's service-oriented and needs a bit of a guiding figure and she wants to do everything for me. She washes my dishes, folds the laundry, brings me lunch to work, gives me massages, takes me for dinner, and pays for everything. And she LIKES doing all these things." Coming from a kink background she recognised this as sub. So was she now Dom?

I am not sure. I like doing things for Inès. However, I am doing things for myself. I do the cooking because I like to cook and I prefer my cooking to hers. I support her life and her work because that is right but also because if she is content then that impacts also on my own happiness. Does that make me sub? I think not but for some who see "Dom-ness" as being an alpha personality then perhaps it would.

I wondered too whether her friend might really be the Dom because she was doing exactly what she wanted - and my friend was reaping the benefits but was perhaps still the sub because her new friend was the one in control?

For me "Dom-ness" is about control. I can do what I want. It has been agreed. However what I want to do may be things that Inès enjoys. Surely that is the point.