Festive Greetings

Seasonal greetings to all my readers.

Wishing you all peace and happiness.

The ultimate conclusion of masochism ...

A recent comment by Pet about submission and masochism stimulated some thoughts that I explored in posts here and here.

However, I have given a fuller response to Pet's question as an Uncle Agony post here. Do visit and comment if you have thoughts - perhaps especially in relation to masochism and self-harm.

masochism

There was an interesting discussion in response to my previous post on submission and masochism.

Some who responded felt that they were inextricably linked but for others they were clearly separate. Whether linked or separate I have been wondering about masochism and the desire to accept pain.

Why might one have a desire to accept pain? Pain is supposed to be a safety mechanism of the body to steer us away from danger.

Pain is not meant to be desirable. If it were then that would defeat its purpose in keeping us safe. So why do some desire it?

I think that some submissives may desire pain as part of their submissive relationship to show how deeply they submit. It gives a measure of how much they are prepared to accept in showing how much they will take to please their Master and to accept the primacy of his desires.

Others just like to test and push themselves. This may be part of a submissive relationship but can also be outside it. It may not form part of a relationship at all. In the gym there are those who want to work harder, faster, longer to really push themselves. They want to lift and pull and push heavier and heavier weights and restraints. In this they are trying to defeat pain to achieve their goals.

There are those who do it just for the endorphin rush. The body creates natural drugs to anaesthetise the body to help one cope with pain. Pain has been used in this way for millennia in many different cultures to reach heightened states of consciousness. In a BDSM context it is often referred to as sub-space.

This has too implications for the skills of the Dominant. Perhaps in this context he needs to be a sadist to enjoy administering pain. However he needs more than that. It needs a real understanding of the these issues and of the needs of his submissive. But if he is thinking of the needs of his sub then perhaps he is not being sadistic after all!

Do you ever desire pain? Is it for one of the reasons I have suggested? Are there other reasons I have missed?

What about Dominants and sadists? Are you aware of the needs of your submissive in relation to pain? Does that matter?

submission and masochism

I have just had a new comment from Pet to an earlier post on submission, pain and masochism here. In it she discusses the distinction between submission and masochism.

I will respond directly to her comment soon on Uncle Agony but I wondered in more general terms whether submission was a kind of masochism?

Yes - I know that there is a clear distinction between the desire to submit and the kind of imperative that drives masochists to seek pain. However, might there be a kind of masochism inherent in the desire to submit?

non-consensual sex

A new survey in the UK has reported that one in ten women say that they have been forced into having sex against their will. Few will have reported this as rape and many may not even have considered it rape. The figure is double the number of women who say they have been raped. The legal difference in the UK is that the woman not only does not consent but also requires the pepetrator to not reasonably believe that the victim consents. The effect on the victim though is likely to be much the same.

D/s and BDSM is built on consent yet is often misunderstood and criticised in the vanilla world. Yet out in the vanilla world it seems more and more the case that consent of the woman is assumed rather than sought. Perhaps the very nature of the D/s world where there is an emphasis on consent makes it a safer place to play than in the vanilla world.

However we should not be too self satisfied. I am sure there is manipulaton and abuse in the D/s world also and cases where things go horribly wrong. It is worrying too that if the notion that consent is not sought becomes a reality then there are even greater dangers if this were to spread into the world of BDSM.

porn - the performers

In my previous post 'porn' I discussed the influence of porn on those who viewed it. It is also relevant though to look at its effects on performers. Some BDSM porn can be somewhat extreme. However there are those who are into extreme BDSM acts so perhaps the performers in such videos genuinely enjoy them. Some sites always include a brief snip at the end of the performers saying how much they have enjoyed themselves and how they can't wait to be invited back.

I think one would be naive though to assume all was as they wish it to seem. It is being done for money to make money. If the money is enough then no doubt there will be those who will engage in extreme acts. In some cases it may be that addiction or serious debt forms another impetus.

There is the particularly well documented case of Insex. After a few years of great financial success, it  was eventually forced to shut down after being pursued by US federal prosecutors. It has been alleged that safe words were sometimes ignored and that if they were used the performer was not invited back. They paid well so to lose work with them was an issue for some of the performers. I wonder though what the effect might have been on them. The issues of consent, self exploitation, control, coercion, desperation and lots more is explored in a documentary about Insex called Graphic Sexual Horror. There is a very interesting article about it here with a download link.

If there is the possibility of abuse having occurred in a porn shoot then is one colluding in that abuse by watching the porn?

porn

Do you view porn? Pictures, video or text? Go on, you can tell me. I won't let anyone else know. Maybe you only view erotica. I wonder what the difference is?

I know there are readers of this blog who write erotica. And on websites like Fetlife members often post erotic or sexy (pornographic?) photographs of themselves or their partners. On my own Fetlife profile there are photographs of Inès, other friends and models. So perhaps we should no longer have any shame in saying we view such things - though there still seems to be some opprobrium from others for admitting one views porn.

Many find that erotica or porn can help their relationship, can stimulate play and enhance their imagination. I wonder though if it can also have dangers. Some porn can be quite extreme and some quite unrealistic. There are perhaps few subs who enjoy pain as much as some actresses appear to do. Does this give viewers unreal expectations? Might subs feel inadequate because they cannot submit to the extremes they see or read about? Might some Doms think they can treat their subs in the way they see on screen or read about without consequence?

So tell me. Do you view porn? Has it enhanced or damaged your relationships?

on writing things down

I have always found that writing something down can help clarify one's thoughts immensely. I was reminded of that again recently after receiving a couple of emails from A. She was writing for advice from Uncle Agony. She wrote,

I have always been a very submissive woman in almost every aspect of my life. I need help, more accurately advice, on how to approach the subject of trying a D/s relationship with my husband. He knows of my enjoying D/s erotica, books and blogs but I'm very nervous in out right asking for it. In the beginning of our relationship a few years ago I brought it up, even as far as asking him to come up with some scenes to play out. Still hasn't happened. Any advice Sir would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you Sir

I was thinking through possible advice and formulating an appropriate response. As I knew from other contacts it was a situation that many women find themselves in. However, before I managed to type a word I received another email from A. You can read it here,

I know I just emailed you for advice but I did it. Just thinking it through and contacting you for advice gave me the courage and words to speak with my husband about adding a D/s aspect to our relationship. He was open minded and willing to try. This style of life/relationship is completely new to him and he is going to do research and even attend a local munch to find some mentors. I know our small personal struggles and victories have no impact on your life Sir but you've helped so much with just giving myself an outlet.
Thank you, A

It was wonderful to receive such thanks when I had not done anything. I am pleased though that writing to me helped her to conceptualise the issues and make her course of action clearer.

So if you have a problem then perhaps just write an email about it. You may not need to send it - the answer may become clear and spur you into doing something about it.

The difficulty of finding someone new.

At the beginning of the week I published an email and my reply on Uncle Agony here: at a loss.

The email described a loving D/s relationship that turned abusive and the difficulty then in finding someone new. There was a fascinating discussion of relationships turning abusive on my earlier post here: when D/s turns into abuse. However nobody has addressed yet the issue of finding someone new. Is it just that it is very hard? I am sure there will be others of you who have found yourself in the situation of moving on and looking for another. Any tips?

Finding someone new ...

My last post was stimulated by an email from a reader. In it she described a previous relationship that became abusive. She ended the relationship and is ready to move on. However she is discovering that finding a new Dom is very hard.

Do read her full email and my response here on Uncle Agony.

Do you have any helpful suggestions?

when D/s turns into abuse ...

I had an email recently from a correspondent who had had a wonderful D/s relationship. Her Dom had inspired her to submit and they had many happy years together. However eventually it turned sour. The domination turned into abuse, physically and emotionally. Fortunately the sub realised things were not right, that there relationship had changed and that she was being abused. So she left.

That must have been a very hard thing to do. Such a relationship is so intense and deep needs have been created. I wonder if all would be able to be as strong?

I wonder too if there may be some who are in abusive relationships but have not yet realised. The transition from loving dominance to emotional abuse could be very gradual. It is natural for a sub to want to meet all of their Master's needs. Another sub wrote to me some years ago to say that she had just realised that her relationship was abusive rather than D/s and she too left her husband and divorced him.

Is this something all should be aware of and look out for?

love

It has often been said by me and by others how essential trust is in a D/s relationship. If one is to give themselves to another, to submit completely to their wishes and desires, they need to know that they can trust the other to ensure they come to no harm. That level of trust might often be found in a totally loving relationship. There is clearly strong affection between many D/s couples where that love and affection is entwined within the roles of dominance and submission.

However I recently came across a blog post where the sub was anxious that she might be developing strong feelings for her Dom. She did not want to love her Dom. That was part of her primary relationship. Her D/s relationship was just to meet certain needs. Love or even affection had no part in it. Affection for her Dom almost seemed a contradiction given that she wanted him to use her cruelly. How could he be cruel if he loved her and how could she love him if she suffered cruelty from him?

So that got me thinking about whether love is essential in a D/s relationship or is it a contradiction? Though part of me thinks it may almost be bound to grow from a D/s relationship given the trust and commitment involved.

Is love central to your relationship, irrelevant to it or a contradiction? Is it a prerequisite of a successful D/s relationship or is it inevitable it will grow from one?

"... deeper and more profound"?

I received an unexpected comment to a post on Uncle Agony today. I suppose all comments are unexpected as only very rarely would someone tell me in advance that they planned to comment. However this was particularly unexpected as the discussion was more than two years old. I know that old posts do still get readers and I occasionally get new coments to old posts.

This one was critical but the content implied the commenter had read the post and subsequent comments. You can find the comment here and the original post here.

George worried that introducing D/s into  a new and loving relationship could possibly ruin the strong, loving relationship that they had built. I felt that my response and that of others was to suggest that the introduction of D/s was more likely to enhance it. I have found rereading the comments very interesting. I did not feel any arrogance or bravado in them. They talked of balance and the importance of the strength of a vanilla side to the relationship.

However the commenter clearly read it differently. He or she found an implication in the posts that D/s was deeper or more profound than other relationships. They argued that to believe this exhibited "narcissism and hubris".

I wonder if we get so involved in this world that there is an inherent belief that a D/s relationship is in some way 'better' or  in the words of the commenter 'deeper or more profound'? Although I would not try to claim that D/s relationships were 'better' than vanilla relationships, on a personal level I am more fulfilled than in a vanilla relationship. However I hope would not proselytise or try to convert others to D/s in an evangelical spirit.

I wonder though if the commenter has an element of truth. Do we believe that D/s relationships are 'better' than vanilla relationships? Do we try to persuade others of this?

when your spouse cannot meet all your needs ...

... then what do you do?

Depends on the depth of need to a certain extent I suppose. Need a shirt ironing? No. Obviously I am talking about those needs that seem part of who you actually are as an individual. Those needs can change over time. Being able to continue to met the needs of those one loves and to have them met can become more and more problematic over a long timescale.

I have been married for a long time. Only last year I finally left. I suppose my needs had not been met for a long time. However there are other factors that keep one together. Where a couple have children they will often - and I believe quite rightly - put them first. Often an individual will put the happiness of their partner before their own needs and continue whilst unhappy and unfulfilled themselves.

There is no right answer and many struggle with this problem for years. I know it has happened to many who I have made contact with over the years in relation to D/s. They have discovered a growing and irresistible need inside themselves to submit and to have their partner control and dominate them. Yet their partner is unable to fulfil this role. What do they do? Well in my experience they have all found different ways to try to find their own happiness and fulfilment and to explore their budding desires and new found needs.

One who has found herself in this position and who is struggling with this dilemma has written to Uncle Agony. You will find her email here. Do read it - and if you have thoughts of your own about the best way forward please write a comment there. You may have found yourself in exactly that position. How did you resolve it? Or are you still struggling yourself?

switching

Desireous wrote something interesting in a recent comment on this post. It was in the context of discussing whether ones needs could always be met by one person. She had found not even though it was her ideal situation so ad different deeds met by different people. That led her on to mention a new direction for her. She wrote,

Ideally for me I'd really like to have everything I want all in one person but that isn't that easy to find and sometimes you just have to settle or work with what life throws you I guess. Lately I've stumbled into the other side of D/s which opens up a whole new can of worms in regards to this subject. What of people who like to be dominated by one and submissive to another? As I feel that's kind of where I'm headed these days.

It might be even more difficult to find a partner who also switches in order that that ones submissive and dominant desires and needs can be fulfilled by the same person. So perhaps this is another case where a need for multiple partners becomes real.

I think it can be hard enough to find a compatible sub or Dom - but to find a compatible switch ... !

So any switches out there? How do you satiate your desires? With the same partner or with multiple partners?

What we did on our holidays ...

We've been back from Berlin for a week now and I've been sorting out my holiday snaps. We met up with a rope expert and my woman Inès had a very memorable bondage experience while I took photographs. I've put one here on my Beau blog today and will follow up with some more over the next week.

Back from Berlin - and another article about polyamoury

Had a great time. I may publish some photos on my Beau blog soon from a lovely evening we had there. S got all tied up! She loved it.

In the meantime I thought many of you might like to read an article I just found. It is about an interesting polyamorous family so follows on from recent discussions.

You can read it here.

who will make it 400?

Some time ago I was celebrating the fact that I had 100 followers - here.

So I am rather amazed that I now have 399. I wonder if I will have 400 by the time I get back from Berlin?

I tell you what - a special gift of 400 spanks is offered to my 400th follower!!!

Berlin

Berlin ... just the name seems infused with a certain decadence don't you think? I'm going to be there for a couple of weeks with my woman so forgive me if you don't find me here for a short while. Though if you happen to live in Berlin - see you there! You can show us round the local fun places to see and be seen!

marked

I have published a short video on my more scurrilous blog Beau here.

It shows a young woman showing off the marks she has received from what looks to have been a full body caning. Compared with some of the pictures that are available on some sites it is not extreme - but it clearly was a severe beating the marks of shich will take some time to fade.

If it had been any more extreme than this I would not have published it - and I had doubts about publishing that one. Perhaps that is because of my own squeamishness. For a Dom I am afraid I am a bit of a wimp. I also do not like needles, blood or knife play. That is just personal taste and attitude I suppose and I know there are readers of this blog who perhaps engage in play where they may be marked as severely as this or even more so. There may be others though who find that level far too much and would not consider engaging in such play.

The woman clearly likes her marks even though (or perhaps I should say "because") they are severe. My own woman enjoys looking at marks from play even though they are nothing compared to those on the video. There are perhaps lots of reasons why subs enjoy looking at and feeling their marks and love to have been marked. Above all it is a sign of ownership and submission.

Despite the consensual nature of such play is there a point though at which I should be concerned for a sub who likes to be severely beaten and marked? Is there not a line that should not be crossed by a Dom even when the sub desires that he go further and treat her even more severely? Clearly lasting physical harm may be one line - but even if it is not lasting harm, is it always justifiable? Is there a point where one needs to think of the psychological health of the sub as well as the physical health? Is it always ok to desire such pain and marking?

Or am I just a big wimp?

On having your cake and eating it

Recently at a munch I met a sub who was married but whose husband would not dominate her in the bedroom. She travelled on business and when she was away from home she would go to munches hoping to meet a Dom who could meet her needs. I know other subs online whose husbands will not dominate them and who have searched elsewhere to have their needs met.

I received an email a little while ago from a sub with a question for Uncle Agony. Her boyfriend will not dominate her and she asks whether she can have her vanilla boyfriend and her Master at the same time. You can read her email and my response here. So can she have her cake and eat it?

I know there are readers of this blog who have a husband or vanilla partner who will not dominate them but also a Master as well. For some it is with and for others without the knowledge of their partner. So how did you come to this situation? How do you make it work? What do others think? Is this an appropriate solution to the problem of a partner who will not meet your needs or is it a betrayal of trust?

This has some parallels to our recent discussions on polyamory. There have been some very interesting recent comments on the most recent here. So if you are interested in the topic do go back and read them.

polyamory 2 - what women want

I think it is often thought - and sometimes by myself - that it is men who are more interested in polyamory than women. There is a stereotype of women being the faithful home makers while men are predatory and looking for fun with other women. yes, I know it is a stereotype but there are elements of it which I have felt may have some truth in them and I think it is a stereotype that many believe.

So I was interested to read this article recently, Women and sex: the myth-buster. It suggests that the opposite is the case, that women are not suited to monogamy. It also implies that this is because it is they who are often not satisfied sexually by their partners so have frustrated desires which they look to meet elsewhere. Is it not the case that it is the opposite that is often presupposed?

Fascinating article - I will be interested to hear how much readers agree with the discussion in it.

polyamory

I just came across this article on CNN - Face it: Monogamy is unnatural

Is it? I wonder if jealousies in human nature can be a real barrier to polyamory. A bisexual friend was eager to develop his relationships in this way but his wife was very resistant and this has caused them real problems which they are still working at resolving. I would be happy for my woman to have a girlfriend - but another man? I'm not so sure. Is that a weakness in me?

I know there are readers of this blog for whom it works well. Are there others who have tried it and failed? What do you think of the article? What is most natural - polyamory or monogamy? I wonder if views are different for men or for women - or for straight, gay or bisexual?

pain

Some time ago a friend, who sadly no longer blogs as far as I am aware, wrote

"This still leaves issues with the term 'pain' which classical definitions cannot help us with: pain is generally perceived by the population to mean something that should be avoided. Even coupling the word 'exquisite' with 'pain' doesn't seem to get the message across: pain is extreme sensation, and is not necessarily bad or best avoided."

She laughed when I quoted it back to her before we played. She hates being quoted. I suggested we changed "and is not necessarily bad or best avoided" to " and is sometimes to be embraced."

So "pain is extreme sensation and is sometimes to be embraced."

I wonder how many of you embrace pain. Can it be "exquisite"? I hate receiving it but get pleasure from administering it in appropriate and sensual situations.

Nerves ...

Do you get nervous before a scene?

Is that positive or negative?

If there were no butterflies before a scene then is that implying an expectation that the scene will hold no power? Surely if a scene is going to be worthwhile then one would expect the sub to be nervous. Otherwise might it be just going through the motions of a well rehearsed set of activities. Surely there needs to be at least some nervous anticipation. I do not believe there should be real fear. I would worry about that. Might it be getting close to abuse if a sub were genuinely fearful before a scene?

So - do you expect to be nervous before a scene or have you become blasé about it? Have you very been really afraid? In which case how do you feel about that and how did it turn out? What about Doms - are you also anxious before a special scene?

the variety of different D/s gender relationships

Early in the history of this blog I wrote a post about my use of language. It explained why I refer on here to dominants as "he" and submissives as "she". You can read that post here.

I do, however, intend and hope that my posts will be relevant to a variety of relationships with male, female or transsexual dominants and submissives. I am aware though that my own direct experience is very much from the male dom/female sub perspective.

It is therefore always interesting when I get, for instance, comments from female dominants and male submissives and from those in same sex relationships.

Recently I had a comment from sub in training.(You can read it here.) I wondered whether his comment was specific to male subs. That in turn made me wonder whether I was being very naive and narrow in not exploring more deeply the variety of experience in M/f, F/m, F/f and M/m relationships. How much may be common to us all and how much is specific to different types of relationship? Is there a common core? Might there be much to explore and learn from others in very different roles and relationships?

My apologies to any who feel my posts have not been inclusive of their own circumstances. Please feel free to tell me if and when that is not the case. 

a sense of humour

I think a sense of humour is important in all parts of our life.That includes D/s and BDSM play. Yes - I know one has to take it seriously, that is important. However there is a danger in taking anything too seriously - especially oneself. I fear that some can take themselves far too seriously in this world in a way that can lead to pomposity.

My woman has a habit of giggling at inappropriate moments. That is okay, I just spank her a little harder. That has on occasions resulted in yet more giggles. However I am very patient and spank just a little harder still. It is fun discovering how hard I need to spank to turn the giggles into yelps.

Such fun.

Do you like to have fun like this - or should it all be more serious?

competition

Is there a competitive element between subs?

Who can take the hardest spanking, the most strokes of the cane, the longest flogging, the heaviest paddle? Do Doms delight in having a sub who can take the most pain and in showing her off? Do Doms encourage it in subs with dismissive remarks such as, "Oh ... you're not a real sub if you don't/can't/won't ... "?

I have come across it in comments on some BDSM networking sites. LM talks of it eloquently in her comment here.

Surely BDSM is not a competitive sport?  I certainly believe it should not be.

Have you ever been compared in this way? Encouraged to compete? Felt under pressure as a result of it?

Or do you delight in being the BEST sub ever? But you can't be. Mine is the best. Really!

Looking for a Dom

In the discussion in comments to my previous post, No Limits, I became struck not just by the importance of the trust that must develop between Dom and sub, as I am very concious of that, but also of the difficulty that poses for couples seeking to develop a new D/s relationship.

Desireous gave an example of a prospective "Dom" who communicated totally inappropriately. However I know from bitter experience that it can be difficult as a Dom (perhaps especially a kind Dom!) trying to project an appropriately "Domly" image. It is easy to get it wrong. My woman initially rejected me during our initial online conversation. I was far too nice. She was looking for someone cruel and heartless!

LM also commented on the difficulties as a sub in starting a new D/s relationship. Clearly there may need to be strict limits and guidelines at the start of a relationship until an understanding develops.

So in particular it struck me how hard it must be for a sub to find a Dom who will be compatible and truly meet their needs. Typically a sub will be looking for a Dom who is strong, who can control and use them. They may be looking even for a frisson of anxiety of what might take place when they have given up control. So as well as someone who can impress them by their psychological as well as physical strength they will be looking for someone who is also respectful - who will respect their limits and keep them safe.

I cannot imagine how it must feel to be tied up alone, for the first time by someone who they are still getting to know and trust. There must always be a fear that the initial trust could be misplaced.

I wondered if there is advice that those more experienced at this than me can give to others who may be "looking", who want to experience being controlled and used but who naturally want to stay safe. How do you avoid the idiots, charlatans, wannabes and psychopaths?

No Limits

This is a follow up to my previous post on 'limits'. That post stirred a very interesting discussion. If you have not read it please do take time to have a look.

There was an implication from lil, if I interpret her correctly, that if we take out of the equation things that are just sick or would cause harm then the limits are held by the dominant rather than the submissive.

I wonder how many subs feel enough trust in their Doms to accept no limits. To trust in their Dom completely and submit to ANYTHING for them.

And how many Doms would be happy to accept the responsibility?

the scene ...

We're back from our trip to London. My woman and I have had a great time. It has been good just to have lots of time together to ...

... well I'm sure you don't want to know all about that!

At the weekend we went to an alternative fetish market and also to the "after-party" in the evening. We had great fun and met some very nice people. I wish I'd thought to give out some contact details to some. It is not often that we can get to such events. It has not really been part of my life in the D/s world but my woman and I are interested to explore it further. ( I may write on Beau's blog about what my woman got up to there!)

We were interested though to note the orientation of people there. It seemed as if we were just about the only male Dom / female sub (Mf) couple there. There appeared to be lots of Fm and Ff couples. Why so few Mf couples, we wondered? Adverts we had seen for other events and clubs seemed also to be oriented very much at Fm

Is this typical? Is it just London? Had we just not found the right places to go? Are places that attract Mf couples less friendly and inviting?

I wonder how much others are attracted by scene events or whether, like us until now, you tend to keep your fun between yourselves or with a small group of close friends?

Easter Greetings

Have fun this Easter weekend!

I shall be in London (UK) with my woman for a break after Easter. If anyone has any fun or kinky recommendations for while we are there do let me know.

helpless

I'm not sure if the following is more a post for Beau rather than here. I'd saved it here some time ago for future publication so will post it now. 

She loves to be helpless.

To be tied tightly, unable to move, naked, vulnerable, available to my every wish and desire, knowing I can do anything.

Anything.

But not knowing what ...  I want her helpless for me again soon.

I hope you may find yourself deliciously helpless - or have  the one you care for delightfully helpless for you soon.

Have fun over the Easter weekend.

On "no" meaning "no"

I have just published an exchange on Uncle Agony with a husband who believes his wife wants him to take the initiative in sex and to control her. You can read the post here. (Do please add any thoughts or advice for my correspondent there.)

It has got me thinking though about the wider issue of consent in sexual play.

In the example J believes his wife wants him to tame her. She is strong and controlling herself but he believes she desires to be tamed, for him to fight for control of her in a sexual context. Clearly if the scenario was agreed and discussed beforehand then this could take place as a play scene and they could have fun with it.

However that would remove the reality from it. She would no longer be being taken as she had already given her consent.

Many women have a "rape fantasy" though none would want ever to be raped. Some couples engage in "rape play" scenarios. These can even be contrived into very sophisticated scenarios. However for some women they are wanting their husband to truly take control and decide when, where and how sex should take place.

In such cases how can consent be assumed? How does one avoid it turning into real rape?

I would be interested in reading general comments here and ones specific to J on the Uncle Agony blog post.

Do any readers have direct experience of this?

Aftercare

I wrote a little while ago about sub drop here and also on Uncle Agony here. I did not go into a lot of detail there about aftercare though it was raised. In any case it is not something I am an expert on. However I have just come across a series of posts by ara that discuss aftercare.

You can see ara's posts here and here. They include some poetry. Do read the posts if you have time. They are well written, interesting and informative.

ara writes from a personal perspective but also shows knowledge and deep thought about the issues of sub-drop and aftercare. She points out that aftercare can be necessary for Doms as well as subs and that it is just as essential online as in a face to face context.

In preparing for a scene how much do you plan also for the aftercare? What if something goes wrong - are you prepared then for the appropriate support? Following impromptu play are you ready to provide aftercare?

Do most Doms take this seriously enough? Is it something subs expect when they give their submission? Have you had good experiences of aftercare that have helped you recover from a difficult scene, from sub-drop or even from a scene that went well but was just very intense?

These are just a few of my questions but I am sure reading ara's posts will stimulate many more thoughts and ideas.

on Beau's blog ...

A few months ago my woman was worried that she might have a vaginal infection. She went to the sexual health clinic to have it investigated. Not the stuff of romance you might think but I have written of it with a twinkle in my eye in my alter ego Beau's blog here.

guilt

A correspondent mentioned a couple of times in an email to me recently that neither she nor her Domme felt any guilt in what they do. Nor should they. While some of what they do many might find extreme they play safely to ensure no harm is caused. It is consensual with care and trust.

So I wonder why guilt was mentioned at all.

Is because we cannot get away from how we believe others might perceive our activities?

bonkers or caring support?

I've just written on Uncle Agony about a recent email. It was a fascinating description of the after care being given by a Mistress to her sub after the break up of their relationship. This was because of the belief that a submissive would need additional support to survive - over and above that needed in the break up of a vanilla relationship.

You can read all about it here.

Do pop over and tell me what you think. I had not heard anything like that before and would love to know the views of others.

My Valentine

I wrote one word -

Mine!

She wrote one word -

yours!

Happy Valentine's Day.

Limits

On an earlier post "new to all this" there was a comment from Kitty who wrote:

... I'm a little late to this post as I am new to your blog, but I can very much relate to this post. As a new sub, I struggle a lot with knowing what my true limits are and when to use my safeword. One side of me thinks, this is not just for him, but for both of us. And, like a previous poster said, if its not fun, it should stop. Another side of me thinks, if I only do things that are fun for me where is the submission in that? If I dont push my limits, how do I grow? Its a delicate balance, I believe. Sir has been amazing in helping me find it.

I am sure I have written about limits before but I was intrigued by the way Kitty presents the dilema. On the one hand,

One side of me thinks, this is not just for him, but for both of us. And, like a previous poster said, if its not fun, it should stop.

But then again ...

Another side of me thinks, if I only do things that are fun for me where is the submission in that? If I dont push my limits, how do I grow? 

Is it, as Kitty says, a delicate balance - or do you come down strongly on one side or the other?

sub drop

'Sub drop' is a term that is often used for the coming down a sub feels after an intense scene.

Thoughtful Doms will spend time at the end of a scene to help a sub get back to normality, to come round from what has taken place, to feel secure and cared for. Sometimes this can be a physical reaction and sometimes a psychological or emotional reaction. It can be akin to depression or sometimes is just physical shock.

It can also be delayed - not happening immediately but striking unexpectedly a little while later.

Uncle Agony had an email about this before Christmas. Because I was very tied up in personal problems of my own and with the busy activities in the run up to the holiday season I am afraid my responses were perhaps not as full as they could have been. I am publishing the email exchange on Uncle Agony here.

If you feel able to offer help and support from your own knowledge or experience I would be grateful if you could add a comment there.

Thanks.

on being a sadist

I have often baulked at the idea of being a sadist.

I don't think of myself as a sadist. Outside of a BDSM context I am a kind and gentle person and would not wish anyone harm. On the contrary I feel strongly about issues to do with people who are harmed by others.

Of course I wish no harm to anyone - especially to someone I love and care for. I suppose I see sadism as something that sets out to cause harm. That is surely not me.

But to cause hurt rather than harm. Again I would not deliberately hurt anyone outside of a D/s relationship. Within that relationship it is only as part of control and as a response to a masochistic desires that I cause pain.

In that context though ...

... well all right. I admit it. I like causing pain. It arouses me. It arouses me when my sub asks me to cause her pain. I get pleasure when I see that talking of giving her pain arouses her. I love the connection of pain and arousal. I love searching for the connection between pain and pleasure. I love exploring all these things with my submissive woman and learning more about each other and our desires.

Before, after and alongside the giving of pain though, I give reassurance and caresses and kisses and pleasure.

She says I am a kind sadist.

Are you a sadist? Is your Master a sadist? Is kindness or an equivalent a necessary part of this for you?

Why?

Why?

Why do we do this?

Why do I like spanking her, caning her, tying her, pinching her?

Why?

Why does she like me spanking her, caning her, tying her, pinching her?

Why?

Why do you do it?

Why?

The New Year

This is not about resolutions but about new directions perhaps.

The end of the last year was full of changes for me. A new relationship with a very special woman and consequent changes to a relationship of over forty years. I started developing my writing and photography in new and exciting directions with my new partner. There is so much potential for 2013.

I plan to continue to write here and on Beau's blog. I have also other commitments of caring for a number of family members. Life will not be easy but I intend it to be creative and fulfilling. I have many friends and acquaintances here - please forgive me if I have been remiss in failing to respond to emails. I value all the kindnesses I have been shown by online friends. I will try harder this year but may fail once again.

I have two important emails from new contacts to reply to about serious bdsm issues. You may get to join in on Uncle Agony. Please feel free to write in with your own issues. I may not have many answers but there is a wealth of knowledge, support and friendship amongst my readers who make this blog worth reading.

Thank you all.

Join me on an exciting journey in 2013.