Wednesday, 13 March 2019

BDSM and trauma...

In response to a previous post of mine bdsm helping resolve previous abuse there were two very contrasting and very interesting anonymous comments. One of those respondents has written a more detailed guest post about it on Girl on the net's blog. You can read the post here.

Do go there to have a read. I am sure you will find it very interesting. As I find that most but not all of the submissives who comment on here are women it is also really good to have a male perspective.

Friday, 8 March 2019

International Women's Day...

... must be nearly over now (sneaks a quick look at watch.)

If I'm not too late then just a heads up to that and any events that may be taking place near you.

I'm in awe of all you powerful and strong female submissives - and also of such impressive and striking dominatrices who control and subdue supposedly powerful men.

We men are all such wimps in the end.

Embrace your strengths and power over us weak creatures.

Have fun and have a great day.

Celebrate!

:)

P xx

Thursday, 28 February 2019

bereavement

I have had a recent bereavement. It comes to us all.

In the build up to this though I found myself pondering on the issue of caring - and then on how it might apply to D/s and BDSM situations. Once things have settled down a little I will try to write it down.

Until then...

...hugs to you all.

Tuesday, 12 February 2019

UK law and BDSM porn.

There was an interesting item on Woman's Hour BBC radio programme yesterday about changes in the law regarding BDSM porn. The discussion was about some aspects of the change in law that may be seen as positive. However there are other aspects of change in the laws on porn in the UK that are less so.

However this was a very interesting discussion where Pandora Blake debated very eloquently in presenting her position on this. Readers may be interested in listening to the discussion which is available as a podcast here. (It is the first item on the programme,)

Wednesday, 6 February 2019

being naked...

How interesting that this old post of mine suddenly got lots of hits the today:
http://xpygarx.blogspot.com/2017/11/le-dejeuner-sur-lherbe.html

Do you like being naked?

Do you like being exposed?

Do you like being displayed?

In front of another ...

...or in front of lots of others?

Do you have an exhibitionist streak?

Or do you like to expose your sub before others? If so why? I can think of a variety of Dominant's reasons.

Do tell...

Wednesday, 30 January 2019

bdsm helping resolve previous abuse

I have written on here many times before about various issues to do with BDSM and abuse. An online friend who has enjoyed reading this blog wrote to me recently. She shared an experience about that topic. I found it very interesting and powerful and have asked her permission to share it with you. She wrote,

"Also about abuse in BDSM relationships and use of BDSM. I used a BDSM scene to recreate a situation from my childhood where I was abused. I requested someone to beat me in a similar way as I was beaten then and found it very healing."

I think this is something that many might regard as emotionally or psychologically risky with potential dangers. I certainly wouldn't recommend it and I am sure there are many who would with good reason advise strongly against it. However it worked for her. She found it healing. And that surely is great and to be celebrated.

I tried to imagine how it had worked for her and felt it must have been to do with her taking power and control. She wrote to me again clarifying this,

"But to expand on this. I found it healing because I was in control and set it up and asked the person. I also knew it could stop at any time I wanted it to stop . Then I could examine my own feelings that were related to this experience that were still unprocessed until this scene happened. While it was happening I connected to the event and could really allow myself to feel a shock related to this -as I did not expect this to happened when I was a pre-teen. Also could connect to my helplessness and feeling of betrayal. Feeling of not being loved and accepted. Also feeling the pain and receiving it. I was able to process it all so now this incident from my childhood doesn't cause me to experience many emotions . I am neutral about it now."


It is good she is able to articulate this so well which helps to explain it clearly.

However, as I started off, I am certainly not recommending this as a therapeutic tool!

I wonder if any readers have had similar experiences. (Please feel free to comment as Anonymous.) Have you ever had the desire to act out a previously abusive experience? If you have been abused in the past can you imagine this might be helpful or is this anathema to you?

Whatever your responses I am still so very pleased that my online friend found the experience "healing". Good luck to her.



Sunday, 20 January 2019

cunnilingus - dominant or submissive?

I was sure I had written about this previously. I was looking for the post to send to a friend. She had written online about how she made her husband go down on her to pleasure her as a submissive act for him. It was her exerting control over him. She even published some selfies of her face, showing her pleasure while she had him working hard! However I have searched for my previous post and can't find it so perhaps I haven't written about this before. If you recollect it and can find it do let me know!

I responded to her about the fact she seemed to associate cunnilingus as a submissive task for a man. I don't see it as such. I enjoy going down on a woman and enjoy the power and control of it. I responded to her with the following comment:

It has got me thinking about dominance and submission in relation to cunnilingus. Who is top and who is bottom? Who is the one in control?

I think there are many Dominants, and submissives too, who think of that activity as submissive. So many Doms do not engage in it. For them it is the role of the sub to give them pleasure.

However as a Dom I see it differently. There is great feeling of power in bringing a woman to orgasm - often several orgasms. Also in that activity the pleasure giver is the one in control...

Whether to do it quickly or slowly, whether to draw it out a little longer, whether to tease a little by slowing and changing what one does as one gets closer, how one uses the tongue and on what area, whether to create a long slow arousal or to go for a very quick urgent one.

Personally I love that feeling of power and control that to me is greater than of the one receiving it. They are the passive ones.

And to have caused such a lovely smile (shown in her photo)!
;)
what power!!!
:)


What do readers think? Is a man going down on a woman dominant or submissive? How do you think of it in your own relationship? I am eager to hear...

Tuesday, 15 January 2019

Another "good girl" post.

I have noticed that an old post of mine with the title 'good girl' consistently gets lots of hits. You can read it here. I wondered about it's popularity. There must be lots of people Googling 'good girl' and may of them have found their way here.

I looked again at the post. It had received lots of interesting responses from readers. Because of that I had written a follow up post to reply to what had been written in the previous comments. You can read that here. That post received lots of further comments.

It is clear there is still some power in those simple words.

So, dear reader, good girl - or even good boy.

I am sure you must be if you are still reading.

:)

Thank you.

Sunday, 13 January 2019

still here?

Well I am - just!

Are you?

Still lots of ongoing family issues to detain me. However that has got in the way of much of my day to day creative work so I have diverted myself here briefly and started a few posts. I hope I may be able to publish them soon.

So...
...watch this space!

Thursday, 15 November 2018

just so you know I am still here...

...well almost!

My parents are quite elderly and my father is very fragile at the moment and experiencing difficulties which are taking up my time and emotional energy. This happens to all of us including, I know, many who comment here.

Priorities don't become an issue - helping and supporting takes over. There is no question. But perhaps there should be.

We all need to look after ourselves to be strong enough to look after another.

So look after yourselves my friends. Be strong.

It can be hard being a "kind Dom" sometimes!

More soon...

Tuesday, 16 October 2018

Must Doms have an alpha personality?

I was talking with a friend recently, eating lunch outside a cafe bar in Berlin. (Like you do!)

She is switch and I found myself talking about the roles of Dom and sub.

I used the following example.

I am imagining a couple in a bar. Is one of them a Dom because they are alpha and always go to the bar to order the drinks or are they Dom if they task their sub to go to the bar to order the drinks? (In the UK it is normal to go to the bar rather than wait for a waiter.)

It sounds minor but I think it is at the heart of whether "Dom-ness" is being an "alpha" personality or whether it is to do with having control and getting what one wants. Sometimes that can be through being an alpha personality - but not always.

The same friend emailed me recently. She is a switch and had told me that she was currently feeling much more in sub mode. She was excited to be in a new relationship. Her new friend was eager to fulfil her wishes. "Very submissive. She's service-oriented and needs a bit of a guiding figure and she wants to do everything for me. She washes my dishes, folds the laundry, brings me lunch to work, gives me massages, takes me for dinner, and pays for everything. And she LIKES doing all these things." Coming from a kink background she recognised this as sub. So was she now Dom?

I am not sure. I like doing things for Inès. However, I am doing things for myself. I do the cooking because I like to cook and I prefer my cooking to hers. I support her life and her work because that is right but also because if she is content then that impacts also on my own happiness. Does that make me sub? I think not but for some who see "Dom-ness" as being an alpha personality then perhaps it would.

I wondered too whether her friend might really be the Dom because she was doing exactly what she wanted - and my friend was reaping the benefits but was perhaps still the sub because her new friend was the one in control?

For me "Dom-ness" is about control. I can do what I want. It has been agreed. However what I want to do may be things that Inès enjoys. Surely that is the point.

Saturday, 22 September 2018

Can we teach the vanilla world about consent?

I was listening to a programme on BBC radio about "The New Age of Consent". It was called 'Re-writing the Rules' and introduced by Jameela Jamil.

I have saved a couple of clips from the programme. The first shows how something can so easily go wrong. You can listen to it here.

However Bitsy also discusses how the BDSM scene avoids this and does it so much better through taking communication, prior discussion and agreement for granted - and can also make it sexy!

You can listen to what she has to say here.

Whoever thought making lists could be such fun? However if you look at most fetlife.com profiles for instance - they are full of lists of what members like and what they do not like. So perhaps we have something that we can usefully teach the vanilla world.

How sexy is your list?

;)


Wednesday, 12 September 2018

A rulebook for Doms?

There was a thought provoking comment by Princesse to the last post about BDSM Contracts. Her comments may have been influenced perhaps by previous unhappy experiences where Doms proved not to be as experienced as they should have been or proved not to be trusted. However, whatever the stimulus, I think it does raise some important points.

A sub gives control and power to the Dom. Surely as Princesse suggests, they should be able to expect that as part of the agreement the Dom at least knows what he is doing and is going to stick to sane, safe and consensual and would only move to elements of risk when both parties were fully committed to that. It should also be expected that the Dom is fully aware of level or risks and has the appropriate knowledge and experience to engage in the proposed activities.

"Does a pilot fly a plane without his rules in head or does he just wing it?" she writes. I would no more expect someone to submit to a Dom who had no idea of sensible rules in relation to BDSM than I would to fly with such a pilot. The rules aren't just about appropriate knowledge and experience but are also about attitude. Is this someone who you can trust to take care of your emotional needs as well as your physical ones. There is as much danger of potential psychological and emotional harm as there is of physical harm. However much a Dom knows how to use rope safely or to manipulate certain implements, he needs to understand the psychological and emotional impact of such activities just as much as the physical and to regard it as his duty to supply the appropriate after-care.

This may also seem just a matter of common sense. However I am guessing the fact that Princess raised it shows that she may have had experiences where that was not the case.

So how can a sub ensure that all of this is clear? Should they really sit down with their Dom and write out a detailed list of responsibilities of the Dom as part of a joint contract?

"I'm all for a contract that clearly and excruciatingly details how the dominant will care for the submissive. ... It seems the dom needs a rulebook and chart, just as much as the sub. Bring on the ink pens, pencils, erasers and the big bottle of whichever libation of choice. Will take a while to hammer it all out. ;-)"

I think that Princesse may be right to insist that these issues are discussed in some detail. Partly it is a matter of trust. I am not sure that writing it down ensures the Dom is any more trustworthy. So are we just back to good communications, using ones instinct and taking time to build trust and respect? Can one then ever be sure that trust will never be abused or betrayed?

Wednesday, 5 September 2018

a BDSM contract...

neriche wrote this in her very interesting comment to the post Are men just wimps?

"...when might a submissive's written contract detailing limits as well as 'kinks to try' cross over into topping from the bottom? I just completed a 6-page kink preferences checklist someone shared with me at a munch. What Dom is going to want to read that? Being a newly minted fan of the idea of a contract as well makes me wonder at what point a Dom might just say, 'enough!'?"

I and many commenters on this blog constantly emphasise the importance of communication. So the logical response is to get it all written down; limits and desires; rules and consequences; what, where, when, how...

I am not one for contracts but I know some do have them. In fact that can often be instigated by the Dom. I have often thought it was part of the control aspect, a formal process of submission, part of the ritual that some enjoy. Perhaps though it could be a defensive act for the Dom. If it is written and signed that use of a single tail whip is acceptable then there can be no complaints!

I must admit that I am not one for such contracts though I can accept that they work well for others.

So, as neriche writes, "We've touched on sufficient and clear communication. Is it possible to overdo it?"

Saturday, 1 September 2018

Back from Berlin...

In a comment to my previous post below, neriche said...
"Inquiring minds are curious...how'd it go? ;) What's been your favorite kinky holiday, and was it the place or the people that made it so?"

Well...
It went very well thank you. Though not particularly kinky on this occasion. There was an event we had been invited to the day I arrived and also an international munch which we fancied going to. However...

I met Inès in a square just down the road from the apartment we booked and we went there together. Once we had been shown round the very nice place I decided as we hadn't seen each other for a few weeks that we should check out the bedroom.

After that we decided it was perhaps a bit late for the other events and we fancied a quieter evening. So we had a walk and a nice meal and then went back to the bedroom...

Inès was working during the week and I wanted to stroll and relax so we didn't seek out much else. Though I did arrange a photographic shoot with a friend from this blog while I was there which I thought worked very well.

To answer the main question though...

What was my favourite kinky holiday?

I thought first of all of a previous Berlin visit that had a number of interesting kinky events that were quite memorable. However there is another visit, a long time ago now, that stands out. I had a holiday planned staying at the house of a friend in a very scenic area. Near by lived an online friend with whom I had struck up a very close D/s relationship. I spent several days at the beginning of my stay and again at the end of my stay with her. There we explored a whole variety of BDSM and Kink in ways that helped each of us develop. Although I think most of the posts about that have now been taken down any readers of my old Beau blog may remember us writing of it. Sadly, as is often the way with these things, for various reasons it came to an end. I still remember her and that time though very fondly.

So what about my readers...

Will you share a favourite kinky holiday with us?