Thursday, 26 September 2013

"... deeper and more profound"?

I received an unexpected comment to a post on Uncle Agony today. I suppose all comments are unexpected as only very rarely would someone tell me in advance that they planned to comment. However this was particularly unexpected as the discussion was more than two years old. I know that old posts do still get readers and I occasionally get new coments to old posts.

This one was critical but the content implied the commenter had read the post and subsequent comments. You can find the comment here and the original post here.

George worried that introducing D/s into  a new and loving relationship could possibly ruin the strong, loving relationship that they had built. I felt that my response and that of others was to suggest that the introduction of D/s was more likely to enhance it. I have found rereading the comments very interesting. I did not feel any arrogance or bravado in them. They talked of balance and the importance of the strength of a vanilla side to the relationship.

However the commenter clearly read it differently. He or she found an implication in the posts that D/s was deeper or more profound than other relationships. They argued that to believe this exhibited "narcissism and hubris".

I wonder if we get so involved in this world that there is an inherent belief that a D/s relationship is in some way 'better' or  in the words of the commenter 'deeper or more profound'? Although I would not try to claim that D/s relationships were 'better' than vanilla relationships, on a personal level I am more fulfilled than in a vanilla relationship. However I hope would not proselytise or try to convert others to D/s in an evangelical spirit.

I wonder though if the commenter has an element of truth. Do we believe that D/s relationships are 'better' than vanilla relationships? Do we try to persuade others of this?

Tuesday, 10 September 2013

when your spouse cannot meet all your needs ...

... then what do you do?

Depends on the depth of need to a certain extent I suppose. Need a shirt ironing? No. Obviously I am talking about those needs that seem part of who you actually are as an individual. Those needs can change over time. Being able to continue to met the needs of those one loves and to have them met can become more and more problematic over a long timescale.

I have been married for a long time. Only last year I finally left. I suppose my needs had not been met for a long time. However there are other factors that keep one together. Where a couple have children they will often - and I believe quite rightly - put them first. Often an individual will put the happiness of their partner before their own needs and continue whilst unhappy and unfulfilled themselves.

There is no right answer and many struggle with this problem for years. I know it has happened to many who I have made contact with over the years in relation to D/s. They have discovered a growing and irresistible need inside themselves to submit and to have their partner control and dominate them. Yet their partner is unable to fulfil this role. What do they do? Well in my experience they have all found different ways to try to find their own happiness and fulfilment and to explore their budding desires and new found needs.

One who has found herself in this position and who is struggling with this dilemma has written to Uncle Agony. You will find her email here. Do read it - and if you have thoughts of your own about the best way forward please write a comment there. You may have found yourself in exactly that position. How did you resolve it? Or are you still struggling yourself?