Wednesday, 30 July 2008

natural order?

I am having an email exchange with a sub who describes her relationship with her Dom boyfriend - dominant male, submissive female - as part of the "Natural Order". I argued that this was perhaps just one kind of order - all of which might be regarded as natural. Whilst agreeing on one level she suggested that these others were more sociological and psychological.

I still feel that the order she (and I in this context) subscribe to is another "social" or "psychological" order - and that to call it "natural" somehow implies that it has more validity than others. Such an implication would I imagine be hotly contested by others - for instance a Domme female/male submissive couple.

Do readers have any views on this?

Friday, 25 July 2008

I forget so quickly

I am always in a rush. It is the excitement I think. I thought I had learned this through previous experiences.

But no - I have to learn it yet again!

It is better to get there slowly together than to rush along and find you have left your partner far behind.

Wednesday, 23 July 2008


"I hear and I forget.
I see and I remember.
I do and I understand."

I quoted this Chinese proverb to a sub recently in terms of how she could best work at understanding her own nature. Then I realised that it applied equally to myself.

Thursday, 17 July 2008

being marked

Many subs like to be marked. It is a sign of ownership. It can give them pride in their submission.

This can be symbolic - an item of jewellery, a collar, even a felt tipped pen on the skin.

Some though crave the mark of an implement. A cane, a crop, a whip. A weal or bruise on the skin marking them as his.

I had marked her several times with the crop. Red lines on the skin. A darker mark at the end of one line where blood had come to the surface soon to turn to a bruise.

It sounds bad described coldly like this - but it was part of a sensuous act that we both enjoyed. She had asked me to hit her harder. She wanted to be marked. It was part of her desire.

We discussed it afterwards - what she enjoyed about such activity. She decided it was the being marked rather than the pain of marking. The fact that she had been marked gave each of us pleasure over the next few days as she reported the state of the marks in messages to me. It reminded us both of the pleasure we had together - and my temporary ownership of her.

But ...

part of me looks at the similarities between a sub wanting to be marked and vulnerable people who self-harm. It strikes me particularly with subs who are into knife play and needles. I am not passing any judgement here - I am genuinely interested in exploring if there are common factors. If there are such common factors does D/s provide a framework that can make meeting this need safer and more supportive or can D/s feed a negative self image?

Monday, 14 July 2008

Being strong ...

It is a strength to ask for help.

Thursday, 10 July 2008


There are a number of subs who I have got to know very well who suffer at times from severe depression. There are other subs I know who also suffer from depression.

I hasten to add that they all suffered from depression even before they got to know me!

I know that this is a very small sample and that a high percentage of the population experience mental distress at some time in their lives.

However I just wondered if there was a real connection here. I also wondered if it might be associated with low self-esteem.

If so are there ethical issues for Doms who could be taking advantage of women in a vulnerable mental state?

Friday, 4 July 2008

The sound of one hand clapping

Dragonfly has been a close friend of mine online for some time now. I think we know each other well. We were exchanging thoughts about Masters and slaves recently. She wrote the following to me which I quote with her permission:

"And about D/s.... the ultimate Master is one who can let go of ego completely, thus in a sense becoming a slave.. and the ultimate slave is one who can let go of ego completely, thus in a sense becoming the Master... It is the sound of one hand clapping.. get it? There is no distinction between Master and slave.. they are one ego less entity.. they are one hand.. clapping... To force yourself into one or the other is the fallacy. I think that is what you struggle with as well.. You can be nurturing and subservient and dominate all at the same time. "

Tuesday, 1 July 2008


Dragonfly wrote here about control.

Reading that and re-reading a story I wrote a little while ago made me think a little about control. It made me reflect that for a Dom to be able to control a sub he must first be able to control himself.