Tuesday, 28 April 2009

training and conditioning

I just want to come back to the arguments I was struggling to make in my earlier post about conditioning. I'm not sure I have managed to express myself well - or can do so any better now.

I think I was wondering whether "training", which is a concept often taken on board in D/s relationship, whilst often appropriate within such a relationship could become a problem if that relationship were to end. I discussed it earlier in relation to conditioning that might be difficult to undo at the end of a relationship. But is that just a risk one has to take within a committed D/s relationship? Is it any different from someone having the name of a loved partner tattooed onto their arm?

I think for me it was the psychological and emotional nature of the conditioning that seemed a problem - but why should this be the case more than a physical modification?

Perhaps in the end if there is a commitment then there may be risks that one has to accept. But I think too that in "training" or "conditioning" - as with instructions for permanent physical change - that a Dom should recognise implication of what he is doing. Permanent modification of any sort is not to be taken lightly - whether it is physical, emotional or psychological.

Tuesday, 21 April 2009

emotional sadism

A recent writer to Uncle Agony got me thinking about emotional sadism.

I recognise there is some inherrent sadism in me - that I can get enjoyment from inflicting pain in certain rcumstances. But those circumstances are a scenario within which the person receiving the pain is also gaining some fulfillment from the activity.

I am not sure though that a person receiving emotional sadism can get fulfillment in the same way - or if so whether it is healthy.

There are I am sure emotional masochists - but is that a healthy place be? Should a kind Dom feed emotional maochism?

Thursday, 16 April 2009


I have just published a new post on the Uncle Agony blog here.

It is an email from a woman who has been conditioned by her Dom so that she can only have an orgasm when given permission. She has now left her Dom and finds that she cannot break that conditioning. She finds herself unable to orgasm and is finding that very stressful.

Having to ask permission before coming to orgasm is something that many Doms require of their subs. That control of a sub's sexuality is something that many Doms and subs find erotic and satisfying. It can be seen as part of a sub's "training".

The emails from my sub friend have made me wonder about the ethics of this if it goes so far as to become conditioning. A sub may be parted permanently from her Master not just through a breakdown in the relationship but also for instance through a tragic bereavement. Would a Dom really want his sub to be left unhappy, frustrated and unsatisfied in such a way?

There may well be other aspects of training becoming conditioning that could prove equally problematic.

Tuesday, 14 April 2009

Uncle Agony

I have started the new blog. You can find it here.

The purpose of the blog is to air some of the requests for advice that I have received publicly - but anonymously. Readers are invited to contribute their advice through the comments. Please ensure that comments are intended kindly and supportively. I know regular readers of this blog will comment helpfully.

If anybody has a question or problem that they would like airing there - then please email me.

I would be grateful for links from blogs and any other publicity that you can give. I will of course try to provide reciprocal links.

Wednesday, 8 April 2009

why it went so well

Forgive me for returning to my time with lili - it is hard to dismiss it from my mind. It went so very well and I want to share with you my reflections on some of the factors that helped it go so well.

First of all we trusted each other very much. lili knew she was safe with me and I trusted her to be open and honest with me. It helped make much of what we did possible. lili knew that I would not harm her. It enabled her to let herself go in ways that might otherwise have been impossible.

We were also completely open and honest with each other. We were open about our desires. There was no fear or shame in this for either of us. So we were able to try to fulfil each other's fantasies.

We wanted it to be good for each other so we listened to each other. We watched out for possible signs of distress or potential problems to head them off before they caused difficulties. This helped to further develop our trust.

We tried to start slowly and build up gently ... but we seemed to move at quite a pace and did more than I had expected. However there is still lots more that we want to try - and know now that we can make work, building on our successful time together.

Some may see some of this as topping from the bottom - but to me it was two people with genuine care and affection for each other trying to bring each other's fantasies true. To that end we were very successful.

I hope this is helpful to others.

I am going to be away over the Easter weekend but will write of the new blog on my return.

Friday, 3 April 2009

home again

Thank you for the supportive comments below while I have been away. I am persuaded by the positive response to the idea of the new blog and will start it soon.

Thank you also for the kind comments wishing me well in my rendezvous. I am sure they helped!

She and I have been online friends for a long time now with only a short break after our brief online D/s relationship had to end. Since then our friendship has grown. We met for only a very short time a few weeks ago. That went well. We were eager to meet again and have some quality time together where we could for just a short time explore the possibilities of what submission and domination might be like for us together in the real world.

We have grown to trust each other and respect each other. It felt as if so much might be possible.

But real life is different from online. Just being with someone 24/7 for a few days who one only really knows from emails and blogs is fraught with problems. Even people very close to each other can irritate each other and fall out when on top of each other. She and I are also used to having a lot of space to ourselves. So this was fraught with danger from the start.

So how did we cope?

Well I drove across the country to meet a beautiful woman. She is beautiful. I am in awe of her beauty.

She became again My beautiful woman.

Very soon she became my beautiful slut.

Faster than I would have believed possible she also became my beautiful pain slut.


That beautiful woman. I became aware too of the variety of her beauty - how it changed and developed in different contexts.

We lost track of time. I often had no idea of what the time was or even what day it was. We forgot to eat. We forgot to sleep. We had other things to do that seemed so much more important. We were just wrapped up in each other - in each others needs and desires.

We had fun. We had great fun.

I will not go into salacious detail here ... but perhaps lili or Beau may do soon in their blogs. I have not decided yet.

It was a very special time. We both felt it. We both learned and grew from our time together.

It worked because we cared for each other, we trusted each other and we respected each other.

Whatever happens in the future I will remember our far too short time together with great fondness for as long as my memory remains intact.

I hope though now she is a beautiful woman again ... that at some time she may if even briefly become my beautiful woman again.

Thank you lili.

Thank you so very, very much.