humiliating

I have written some time ago about humiliation.

It is not something that I am particularly in to. In fact I perceive a contradiction between  respecting someone and accepting their trust and then humiliating them. There is a kind of mental cruelty that it is against my nature to dole out.

On reflection though that seems strange when I am happy to bind, beat and use my woman. Is that not also a humiliation?

Do other Doms have similar feelings? Do subs who are into humiliation find it harder to get their Dom to humiliate them than to dominate them in other ways?

Or perhaps it is just me!

a sore bottom

I am sure that most 'Agony Aunts' mget questions about people having bits that are sore. However Uncle Agony got an email from LL complaining that her bottom was not sore. You can read it here. If you have any suggestions for her please do respond there.

I was wondering though dear subbies. Would you be secretly very pleased if your bottom became numb so that you didn't feel as much pain when being spanked - or like LL, do you want to feel the full effect of every stroke?

Being Dominant

Discussing learning about dominance here and here I found myself thinking again about the concept of dominance - and 'domliness' if there is such a thing.

I was wondering whether the usual image of it in a person may be quite wide of the mark. That may be why so many 'pretend' or 'wannabe' doms just don't quite manage it. They perhaps invest too much on the outward trappings without having the inner qualities.

Some Doms may have all the alpha qualities that perhaps fit the image of a powerful, dominant, controlling personality. I don't think they are necessary though. Other doms may be quiet, unassuming, friendly, kind, almost reticent - yet somehow they always seem toget their way, to be in control, often without one even noticing it.

Is that not also dominance?

Learning about dominance

How does one learn about dominance? Is it something that one just knows, that is part of one's very being, or is it rather something to be taught and learned? What about the ethical dimension? Are there things a dominant needs to learn before he can safely take control of a submissive?

These thoughts came to the fore when reading a recent email addressed to Uncle Agony. You can read the full exchange here.

Festive Greetings

Seasonal greetings to all my readers.

Wishing you all peace and happiness.

The ultimate conclusion of masochism ...

A recent comment by Pet about submission and masochism stimulated some thoughts that I explored in posts here and here.

However, I have given a fuller response to Pet's question as an Uncle Agony post here. Do visit and comment if you have thoughts - perhaps especially in relation to masochism and self-harm.

masochism

There was an interesting discussion in response to my previous post on submission and masochism.

Some who responded felt that they were inextricably linked but for others they were clearly separate. Whether linked or separate I have been wondering about masochism and the desire to accept pain.

Why might one have a desire to accept pain? Pain is supposed to be a safety mechanism of the body to steer us away from danger.

Pain is not meant to be desirable. If it were then that would defeat its purpose in keeping us safe. So why do some desire it?

I think that some submissives may desire pain as part of their submissive relationship to show how deeply they submit. It gives a measure of how much they are prepared to accept in showing how much they will take to please their Master and to accept the primacy of his desires.

Others just like to test and push themselves. This may be part of a submissive relationship but can also be outside it. It may not form part of a relationship at all. In the gym there are those who want to work harder, faster, longer to really push themselves. They want to lift and pull and push heavier and heavier weights and restraints. In this they are trying to defeat pain to achieve their goals.

There are those who do it just for the endorphin rush. The body creates natural drugs to anaesthetise the body to help one cope with pain. Pain has been used in this way for millennia in many different cultures to reach heightened states of consciousness. In a BDSM context it is often referred to as sub-space.

This has too implications for the skills of the Dominant. Perhaps in this context he needs to be a sadist to enjoy administering pain. However he needs more than that. It needs a real understanding of the these issues and of the needs of his submissive. But if he is thinking of the needs of his sub then perhaps he is not being sadistic after all!

Do you ever desire pain? Is it for one of the reasons I have suggested? Are there other reasons I have missed?

What about Dominants and sadists? Are you aware of the needs of your submissive in relation to pain? Does that matter?

submission and masochism

I have just had a new comment from Pet to an earlier post on submission, pain and masochism here. In it she discusses the distinction between submission and masochism.

I will respond directly to her comment soon on Uncle Agony but I wondered in more general terms whether submission was a kind of masochism?

Yes - I know that there is a clear distinction between the desire to submit and the kind of imperative that drives masochists to seek pain. However, might there be a kind of masochism inherent in the desire to submit?

non-consensual sex

A new survey in the UK has reported that one in ten women say that they have been forced into having sex against their will. Few will have reported this as rape and many may not even have considered it rape. The figure is double the number of women who say they have been raped. The legal difference in the UK is that the woman not only does not consent but also requires the pepetrator to not reasonably believe that the victim consents. The effect on the victim though is likely to be much the same.

D/s and BDSM is built on consent yet is often misunderstood and criticised in the vanilla world. Yet out in the vanilla world it seems more and more the case that consent of the woman is assumed rather than sought. Perhaps the very nature of the D/s world where there is an emphasis on consent makes it a safer place to play than in the vanilla world.

However we should not be too self satisfied. I am sure there is manipulaton and abuse in the D/s world also and cases where things go horribly wrong. It is worrying too that if the notion that consent is not sought becomes a reality then there are even greater dangers if this were to spread into the world of BDSM.

porn - the performers

In my previous post 'porn' I discussed the influence of porn on those who viewed it. It is also relevant though to look at its effects on performers. Some BDSM porn can be somewhat extreme. However there are those who are into extreme BDSM acts so perhaps the performers in such videos genuinely enjoy them. Some sites always include a brief snip at the end of the performers saying how much they have enjoyed themselves and how they can't wait to be invited back.

I think one would be naive though to assume all was as they wish it to seem. It is being done for money to make money. If the money is enough then no doubt there will be those who will engage in extreme acts. In some cases it may be that addiction or serious debt forms another impetus.

There is the particularly well documented case of Insex. After a few years of great financial success, it  was eventually forced to shut down after being pursued by US federal prosecutors. It has been alleged that safe words were sometimes ignored and that if they were used the performer was not invited back. They paid well so to lose work with them was an issue for some of the performers. I wonder though what the effect might have been on them. The issues of consent, self exploitation, control, coercion, desperation and lots more is explored in a documentary about Insex called Graphic Sexual Horror. There is a very interesting article about it here with a download link.

If there is the possibility of abuse having occurred in a porn shoot then is one colluding in that abuse by watching the porn?

porn

Do you view porn? Pictures, video or text? Go on, you can tell me. I won't let anyone else know. Maybe you only view erotica. I wonder what the difference is?

I know there are readers of this blog who write erotica. And on websites like Fetlife members often post erotic or sexy (pornographic?) photographs of themselves or their partners. On my own Fetlife profile there are photographs of Inès, other friends and models. So perhaps we should no longer have any shame in saying we view such things - though there still seems to be some opprobrium from others for admitting one views porn.

Many find that erotica or porn can help their relationship, can stimulate play and enhance their imagination. I wonder though if it can also have dangers. Some porn can be quite extreme and some quite unrealistic. There are perhaps few subs who enjoy pain as much as some actresses appear to do. Does this give viewers unreal expectations? Might subs feel inadequate because they cannot submit to the extremes they see or read about? Might some Doms think they can treat their subs in the way they see on screen or read about without consequence?

So tell me. Do you view porn? Has it enhanced or damaged your relationships?

on writing things down

I have always found that writing something down can help clarify one's thoughts immensely. I was reminded of that again recently after receiving a couple of emails from A. She was writing for advice from Uncle Agony. She wrote,

I have always been a very submissive woman in almost every aspect of my life. I need help, more accurately advice, on how to approach the subject of trying a D/s relationship with my husband. He knows of my enjoying D/s erotica, books and blogs but I'm very nervous in out right asking for it. In the beginning of our relationship a few years ago I brought it up, even as far as asking him to come up with some scenes to play out. Still hasn't happened. Any advice Sir would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you Sir

I was thinking through possible advice and formulating an appropriate response. As I knew from other contacts it was a situation that many women find themselves in. However, before I managed to type a word I received another email from A. You can read it here,

I know I just emailed you for advice but I did it. Just thinking it through and contacting you for advice gave me the courage and words to speak with my husband about adding a D/s aspect to our relationship. He was open minded and willing to try. This style of life/relationship is completely new to him and he is going to do research and even attend a local munch to find some mentors. I know our small personal struggles and victories have no impact on your life Sir but you've helped so much with just giving myself an outlet.
Thank you, A

It was wonderful to receive such thanks when I had not done anything. I am pleased though that writing to me helped her to conceptualise the issues and make her course of action clearer.

So if you have a problem then perhaps just write an email about it. You may not need to send it - the answer may become clear and spur you into doing something about it.

The difficulty of finding someone new.

At the beginning of the week I published an email and my reply on Uncle Agony here: at a loss.

The email described a loving D/s relationship that turned abusive and the difficulty then in finding someone new. There was a fascinating discussion of relationships turning abusive on my earlier post here: when D/s turns into abuse. However nobody has addressed yet the issue of finding someone new. Is it just that it is very hard? I am sure there will be others of you who have found yourself in the situation of moving on and looking for another. Any tips?

Finding someone new ...

My last post was stimulated by an email from a reader. In it she described a previous relationship that became abusive. She ended the relationship and is ready to move on. However she is discovering that finding a new Dom is very hard.

Do read her full email and my response here on Uncle Agony.

Do you have any helpful suggestions?

when D/s turns into abuse ...

I had an email recently from a correspondent who had had a wonderful D/s relationship. Her Dom had inspired her to submit and they had many happy years together. However eventually it turned sour. The domination turned into abuse, physically and emotionally. Fortunately the sub realised things were not right, that there relationship had changed and that she was being abused. So she left.

That must have been a very hard thing to do. Such a relationship is so intense and deep needs have been created. I wonder if all would be able to be as strong?

I wonder too if there may be some who are in abusive relationships but have not yet realised. The transition from loving dominance to emotional abuse could be very gradual. It is natural for a sub to want to meet all of their Master's needs. Another sub wrote to me some years ago to say that she had just realised that her relationship was abusive rather than D/s and she too left her husband and divorced him.

Is this something all should be aware of and look out for?