Thursday, 16 September 2010

sadism, masochism and sensuality

Uncle Agony recently received an email asking for advice. The question is published here so please do comment there if you have any thoughts.

It got me thinking though about sadism, masochism and sensuality. I read a post on a message board recently that was arguing strongly that if you were into BDSM activity it should not matter whether your partner was male or female whether you were top or bottom. It argued that BDSM was about control, D/s and the administration of pain; that sex or sensuality was something completely different to be kept apart.

S, who has written to Uncle Agony would have some sympathy with this in their own case. S is not interested in sex, sensuality or fetish in this context - but finds that it seems to be inextricably linked in most places, perhaps especially the fetish aspect. I have tried to reassure S that there are many who share these feelings. It got me to wondering whether that was the definition of a sadist or masochist. It could be just the pleasure in administering or receiving pain with no regard for relationship, feelings, sensuality or sex. In such cases if it was just the administration or receipt of pain that was important. It would not matter much who the partner was as long as issues of safety had been taken into account.

I confess for myself I find that difficult but am struggling to accept it. I know someone who I care about was beaten recently by someone who describes himself as a sadist. She enjoyed it very much. If it had been me I would have beaten her with love and consideration for how the scene was going for her. But perhaps she and others wish to remove such activity from the realm of affection and personal relationships.

For me sensuality is inextricably linked with BDSM play. It is what makes it so delicious. But it would be a boring world if we all had the same needs and desires.


Jz said...

Sure isn't kept apart in my world!

I can't fault the statement that BDSM is about control, D/s and the administration of pain. But I do disagree that this necessarily removes all sensuality or sex from it. For some, yes, of course.
I'm definitely here for the sensuality, however.

Pygar said...

Thanks Jz.

I'm with you that sensuality adds to, and for me is inherently part of, the D/s and BDSM experience. In fact I can become aroused just by the knowledge of someone submitting to me even with no salacious context.

So for me there is a close connection.

I am interested though that for some people D/s and BDSM is totally separate from sex and sensuality.

I wonder if some Domestic Discipline is also like this - it is just about control that is almost outside the sexual context even though it is within a sexual relationship? I would be interested to hear from those in a DD relationship whether that is the case for them.


lu peata said...

welcome back Sir

sensuality as well as the mental control all the way for me im afraid, this is a big turn on knowing someone has that control over me. but i also love that little bit of pushing when required to let me experience the other side of what bdsm is about.

xx lu

Pygar said...

Thank you lu peata.

I know I have my sadistic side and love to stretch a sub. I am not sure if I could enjoy that as much though if it was only the administration of pain and control. In a similar way to you getting turned on by being controlled I get turned on by someone accepting my control.

Submission is a very powerful and sensual thing.

Anonymous said...

Your post really made me think. It is the dynamic and the sensuality that draws me to submit. Submission comes in degrees and sometimes the subtleties of D/s are utterly beautiful in terms of the "dance" created between two people.

Sex is always nice, overt domination has its place of course and also the thoughtful blend of pleasure/pain. If it were mainly about the controlled infliction of pain; however, I would have no interest at all.

Different strokes for different folks.

Pygar said...

Thanks SubRosaNoMore - I love your notion of the "dance" created between two people. I think the image of leading and following and gentle control and sensuality inherent in dance makes a good comparison.

Azrael Arcángel said...

Well, as a Dom I can somehow relate to that because, while I am sexually quite straight sometimes I find myself feeling domination urges towards men, having fantasies of using my female subs as instruments to do it. Those fantasies do not include having any kind of sexual contact with them, or watching any kind of sexual activity between them and my subs, it is more about having power over their heterosexual needs what turns me on.

Anyway, it would seem natural that Doms who really crave power and control want to expand it in every direction. What I do not really understand is putting sex apart as a matter of course, but to each their own.

Regards from Madrid,

Pygar said...

Thank you Az - it is good to have a comment from another Dom on this thread.

I appreciate you sharing your perspective - in particular the desire to have your female subs dominate a male sub. I recollect once with a sub friend who I believed had Domme tendencies considering getting her to just that!

Anonymous said...

I was the question poster on this topic over at Uncle Agony. I found your responses and reflections as well as those of the commenters here very thought-provoking.

It has taken me some time (and a lot of words) to explore this - the result is here in case it is of interest:

Pygar said...

Thank you S for the link to your very interesting and full response. I hope readers will follow you over there to read the results of your thoughtful exploration.

Good luck