Monday, 23 May 2011

submision and sex

I have written before that for me BDSM is intimately connected with sensuality. But what about sex?

There is no direct connection between D/s and sex or BDSM and sex. For many, D/s is separate from sex and a BDSM scene may have no sexual content. Indeed many professional Dominatrices and submissives specifically exclude sexual contact from their services.

I do not have to have sexual contact as part of a scene - however I do like it. The submission of a woman to me has a erotic charge. It has often happened when I have read an email from a woman submitting to me where they have written nothing salacious - yet I have found myself become physically aroused. So yes, for me there is a direct connection between D/s and sex.

How is it for you? Do other Doms become aroused by someone submitting to them? And what about subs? Do you become aroused by another dominating you?


Anonymous said...

Yes. Absolutely. No doubt about it, and occasionally it's very intense.

Any submissive act, performed for and accepted as such by a Dom, can have a profound effect. (the 'accepted as such' is important)

It can arouse me sexually, but it can also affect me in other ways. It can open my heart, send me into cleansing tears, or fill my day with joy.

As an unowned sub, it's always appreciated when friend Doms ask me to do little tasks for them--type a letter, clean, cook--any silly little thing. It really does make a difference.

G.E. said...

My sexual encounters with submissives has been far and few in between. Yet the erotic element still existed. I find myself turned on by what may seem as the simplest acts of submission. Though it doesn't necessarily mean I'm interested in taking it to that level with that particular individual.

I believe that when it is combined there is an connection between the individuals that is extremely intense and can add to the enjoyment of the experience as a whole.

Anonymous said...

An emphatic YES! Just this morning Daddy ordered me to, "Suck it!" and I got so wet and aroused to be giving him pleasure and when he came in my mouth it made me feel very complete, like everything was right with the world because I'd been used for HIS pleasure:)!

Velvet said...

I agree that sex is not absolutely necessary in a D/s relationship, but personally, I get so turned on by being submissive that it just seems a waste not to have sex too.

Velvet <3

goodgirl said...

A Kind Dom,
I believe, after extensive conversations with both Dominant men and women and submissive men and women that I am not the "norm" when it comes to BDSM, D/s, M/s relationships and sex.

The serving, the submission I give my Master most certainly brings pleasure to me however, rarely is it sexual, rarely does it cause a sexual response from me. I most certainly receive pleasure from serving and I definitely am happy and feel fulfilled but rarely am I aroused.

I can see a correlational between the two; however, for me rarely is there causation. When I am aroused from such exchange though it is always mental with the occasional physical response but then I am all about the mental connection and so rarely about the physical appeal. I could happily go months without sexual arousal and still be content, still be happy and fulfilled emotionally - sex and or sexual activity has very little to do with the D/s relationship I have.

Excellent question/thought.

William said...

When My slut is laying there taking a flogging and a caning, even though she hates the cane, I get so hard that not having sex is pretty much not an option.

Anonymous said...

Um...I need to clarify my comment. I did NOT mean I was getting aroused by every Dom that asks me to 'pass the salt'.

As Eden stated, being aroused does not necessarily equate to action.

The point I was trying to make was that submissive acts can create OTHER emotional reactions, too.

It's not always about sex.

Storm said...

I have to say, Domination does arouse me.
I actually don't enjoy sex without it, so the two are pretty entwined for me.

Southern Sir said...

While it is not always about sex, there is a strong erotic drive in it as well.

My girl has a hard time opening up at times, so I gave her a task at least once a week to tell me about a movie she watched, a book she has read, a song, or even a picture that moved her in any way, good, bad, or otherwise. So it is not always pertaining to sex.

But I will say that when W/we are in a scene, it can be very emotional it can become very intense. and it is difficult for either of U/us to not feel aroused.

goodgirl said: though it is always mental with the occasional physical response

I've always believed arousal begins in the mind, to be able to get one truly fully aroused whether it be a man or a woman one starts with the mind. Once the mind is awakened then the body follows.

It doesn't mean there HAS to be a sexual response just most times there is. What I am referring to is in scening.

Pouring someone a drink or passing the salt may not bring about that kind of sexual response. As Dannah said there are times the task is fulfilling in and of itself and illicit's a different kind of response other than sexual.

blossom said...

i dont think that there has to be sexual contact all the time, i can get quite aroused from submitting, but also the mechanisims of suggestion from a Dominant and your own imagination can do

Though i must admit to actually have physical touch at the same time is just so much more intense and definitely more enjoyable.

DanesWood said...

I'm a switch, play always gets me aroused, the difference is I don't allow male subs to touch me sexually.
With my Dom the opposite is the case. I'm very sexual in my responses and yet it's not necessarily physical stimulation that turns me on.
I have sexual D/s relationships in the past when I've been the Domme, yet since my last partner died it's just not felt right. Perhaps I'm just creating a clear distinction between what was, what is and will be.

slave karly said...

For this slave sex is a very important part of her submission because she is such a sexual person but, her devotion to Master would be no different if He chose not to allow her that.
This slave also gets very aroused by scenes though day to day service usually brings more of a happy, grateful mindset with no extra arousal.

nbs said...

As a submissive I certainly can be aroused by another dominating me.

I can't just submit to anyone; the dominant has to engage my mind before I can submit and then be aroused.
Currently I'm blessed to be submissive to Sir who thinks sex should always be involved when I submit to his will.
Life is very good!

Anonymous said...

yes I do. I don't see how D/s can be without sex...not necessarily intercourse, but that erotic element. I'm sure it's possible like anything, but I personally can't imagine it. That's why being friends with someone who once dominated me is so hard for me, except from a distance.


mijena said...

For me submission to my Sir is so much more than just a sexual act. Sir can look at me and I see that side of him that he only shows to me. That look in and of itself is very erotic getting a reaction.

He can command me to do a task and once again His command will illicit a reaction from me.

I am one of those people that if you stimulate my mind, my body and soul will follow and Sir has learn so well how to stimulate my mind.

Sir and I have a long distance relationship only being able to see each other a few times a year, so for us it is not always sexual, but I have to admit several times I do get aroused just in doing a simple task for him. For being able to serve him and fulfill his desires.

nilla said...

wellll...i am a horny slut, as the world knows...and Master and i have a nice dynamic...since just about everything turns me on...

and He loves me turned on...

and loves controlling me, making me cum, even when i think there is, dear goddess, nothing left in the tank?

He pushes me further.

So, while it's not *all* about sex with us, since we are in a loving relationship outside of my plays a very big role in our dynamic.

Would i still care to serve without sex? (a different question but still, i've asked it of myself)...well, now i love Him, so yes, i would. But i'd be bugging the crap out of him to have some kind of sexual release...

and i'll just say...i've been in a marriage w/o sex for 8 years...pretty much the length of our marriage, tho we've been together for 30+ years....

and i don't ever want to be sexless again. Selfish? perhaps.

i never said i was perfect!



Stormy said...

My husband is aroused when he spanks me, he likes my submission, my bare form, and dominating me. Sometimes I want sex after, and sometimes I do not. But it's his decision, not mine.

Unknown said...

hmm haven't really got a reply for this post (yet! ;) ) but since the atom never works I'll make my stamp to get comment updates.


Remittance Girl said...

I'm about to say something that will probably be considered very politically incorrect. I've come to believe that, for a great many women who take on the roll of submissives, submission is, ironically, a liberation that allows them to be sexual beings in a way they find more difficult in a vanilla situation. It becomes a very sexualized transition for them - even if it doesn't specifically involve sexual acts.

We live in a very strange time. Ostensibly, society encourages women to be equals, play the part of sexual aggressor, be proud of their sexual appetites, etc. But we are labouring under the weight of history - and our culture is steeped in a much older Judeo-Christian aethetic that has, for 4000 years, drilled into the very fabric of our language that women with sexual appetites are bad, dangerous, evil, immoral.

And traditional feminism would have us believe that in the space of 40 years, all that earlier cultural conditioning can be negated with the click of the fingers. It's just not realistic.

Being submissive allows women to be hypersexual beings - to admit, explore and express that hunger - with 'permission'. This relieves them of the burden of being responsible because it is the Dom who acts as authority. And he, in essence, takes responsibility for when and how she gets to be sexual. But within that boundary, she usually gets to be very sexual indeed.

That's why I've argued very strongly that deciding to be a submissive is an intrinsically feministic act. It allows women to be who they want to be, without doubt or the subconscious guilt born of thousands of years of conditioning.

I do think, for most submissive women, sex is a pretty major part of being submissive. Even if that sexuality is not always explict.

Pygar said...

How fascinating to read your personal responses to this. Thank you all very much. There seems to be some agreement that while sex may not be a necessary part of D/s - for many if not most it does have an erotic charge. Quite powerfully for many of you.

Remittance Girl takes this further and suggests that being submissive gives a woman permission to be aroused and sexual in her response. I will try to return to her ideas in a future post.

Again - thank you all.

P xxxx

Unknown said...

Of course the intent of sex will be born from submission, but that doesn't necessarily incline that there should sex. One is intent, another things is to actually do it.

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Aphrodite said...

Good post, great questions. I would not even think to ask this, because I see them as intertwined. The whole power/energy play is about sexual energies. I don't see it any other way. So yes, as a submissive woman, I do find submitting arousing, and I do find a dominant man arousing. There would be no other reason for me to engage otherwise. Thanks! :)

acquiexence said...

As long as it's consensual domination and not simply an arrogant man assuming I'm at his disposal because I happen to be submissive, yes.

If the dynamic is there and understood by both sides, I imagine almost anything would be, at the very least, *mentally* arousing, even if my body wasn't up to it.

There is an immense erotic charge in serving one who can actually appreciate the control that is ceded to them.

Fallen Angel said...

I am relatively new to all this, but for me I get hugely turned on knowing that my Sir is in control of me, knowing that I will do whatever he says- anything he says- because I trust him to know what I can take. And having this knowledge, I only have to think about hearing his smooth voice talking to me, or think about him spanking me hard, to get so very wet.



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