Tuesday, 3 January 2012

developing trust

It is always said - well by me anyway! - how important trust is in a D/s relationship. Clearly it is important in any relationship. However there can be special concerns about safety - physical, emotional and psychological - that are even more apposite in a D/s relationship and especially where that also involves BDSM.

However I have been surprised in relationships of my own and those of friends how quickly D/s relationships develop and how intense they can become very quickly.

It is as if the length of time it takes to build trust in a vanilla relationship does not apply in a D/s relationship. That trust seems to be accepted so quickly. Perhaps it is because some of the activities demand such trust that it is established so quickly. However shouldn't it be the other way round? That trust is established first before a sub puts herself in risk of potential danger.

Perhaps there are many who are prepared to take the risk. It could even be part of the thrill of the developing relationship.

I worry though that there are unscrupulous or inept Doms out there who need to be identified before they can cause harm. There are also manipulative men who are merely pretending to be Doms to gain power over vulnerable women.

Am I being over-cautious? How do you establish trust at the start of a relationship?


K said...

I think D/s is risky. I like D/s...but it's risky. In my first relationship, i mistook the endorphins of feeling dominated by someone i had just met, for trust. Trust takes time to build. And so D/s takes time to build. Calling someone Master or slave in a matter of days, makes about as much sense to me, as getting married in that amount of time. Of course never say never, but realistically speaking. It can be easy to connect sexually with a stranger who is compatible with our D/s fantasies, and to then confuse that for real connection. Blind trust is not trust, it's stupidity. I say that in a loving way, as i have been the stupid one. Just my opinion from my experience.

Pygar said...

Thank you K for this perspective from your own experiences. I find I tend to agree with what you have said.

P xx

Anonymous said...

When I first started this journey I was stupid and went at this with no guidance. Trial and lots of error.

Now I know that even though the passion comes quickly it takes time to build that trust bond and the ones who are willing to take the time to get to know me are the good guys.

There is something to be said in the vanilla world for holding out for a while.

A friend was recently was contacted by a man who was reading her blog. He came at her under the cover of becoming her friend but quickly began to try to incorporate D's in a sly way. She being inexperienced was unaware so I was glad that she asked for advice. Once I pointed out what he was doing she put an end to it. This guy was bad news because he knew she had a master and he still tried to manipulate her.

Unfortunately there are no references for Dom's or subs, like an Angieslist.com for D's is needed, lol!

Great post, smiles

nbs said...

What a great idea.. Angieslist.com for dominants.

Sadly, nothing exists and I for one, have made my share of mistakes.

There are many men out there who are only pretending and do trip up even the most cautious submissive.

I don't know how to help anyone who is looking for a partner in a D/s relationship but to stress safety.. both physical and mental.

Sir is more cautious than I .. and for that I am grateful.

Anonymous said...

Such a good post, Pygar.

I've only had one Ds relationship but it seems I made a lot of mistakes. Mistaking intimacy for trust.

I will be a lot more cautious next time.

I liked all the comments too from K and butterfly and Nancy.

Take care. Sky

Lana said...

I think a good Dom/Master in my opinion will take the time to build trust instead of using a sub when they give it to them immediately. Trust takes time, effort and energy.

I think a sort of healthy foundation should be built first. But sometimes that seems like it's too much like right and too "fairytale-ish" or something. I don't know..

It makes me feel like crap when I don't trust them "fast enough" and they get upset.

Pygar said...

Thanks butterfly - yes there are many manipulative "Doms" out there and I know other subs who have been approached in the same way as your friend. It is good she had your advice and support.

I suppose nancy we all make mistakes - and the trick is to learn from them I suppose. It is just that mistakes in D/s and BDSM can be so very damaging.

Thank you sky - yes I think that it can be so easy for a sub to mistake intimacy for trust. Take care and good luck.

I agree with you daislydollie. However I think often we can all be impatient. We may need something to temper our impatience at times. I think too that if Doms become upset at you needing to feel certain and safe then that is an issue for them not you - and perhaps also a warning sign.

Thank you all for your comments.

P xxxx

Word said...

I think that far too often we are looking for a fast fix. Hence trust when there should be caution. Classic being mistaking love for lust. It works the same with D/s relations. Jumping into a relationship where trust is such a vital part too quickly is asking for failure. It also leads to abuse and confusion. Lack of understanding or knowledge is the big issue.

The Rose said...

I don't see any difference between a D/s relationship and a vanilla relationship in regards to developing trust. While I understand that a significant part of the D/s relationship is about sex, I don't understand why people who are into the D/s scene don't take the time to know the person well enough to allow friendship and, therefore, trust to grow.

Due to the fact that I took the time to know my potential partner before we ever 'played', I have never had a bad experience while in a D/s relationship. Since, by its very nature, D/s can be risky, it only makes sense to me that we be more cautious when meeting a Dom than when we were out there searching for a vanilla man.

Be careful girls, it is a jungle out there.

Pygar said...

I think Word and The Rose that we agree there can be such danger in rushing into a D/s relationship.

While it might be frustrating to take time developing a relationship - in the long run it may pay many dividends.

And yes - keep one safer too.

Thank you both

- P xx