Monday, 29 October 2012

within and without

When I know she is fully committed and is feeling secure in our relationship then I can order her to do anything, control her totally, dismiss her complaints as mere whining and berate her for her behaviour. It is what she needs.

However when she is doubting, genuinely needing more than I can give and expresses this - then at times she still may need berating and controlling - just be told how it has to be. However, I find that harder to balance. If she is not totally happy in giving herself to me then I cannot use her.

There is a danger then of a downward spiral where I am not giving her what she needs, so she doubts more so then I am even less able to meet her needs.

We need to build on an upward spiral again.

I wonder if other couples go through such times?


Unknown said...

In short: Yes! Oh yes indeed!

Loki Taviel said...

Oh lord yes this happens to everyone.

Anonymous said...

Yes Sir, it happens to all of us.

Pygar said...

Thank you melinda Sweetgirl, Kitten and themonkeysjourney.

I suppose we all go through difficult patches. It is just though that because this life depends so much on consent any doubts can make almost impossible the actions necessary to resolve the situation.

Does that make any sense?

P xx

blossom said...

of course we all go through times like this Pygar, we all need to keep working at relationships and building on what we have achieved together.

Anonymous said...

This is common if not universal. Sometimes the downward spiral threatens to overcome us. It scares me so. It scares him too. But the longer we have been together, the easier it has become for us to step off the helter-skelter to oblivion, and start climbing to a better place.

In fact, what often surprises us is just how easy it is to arrest a downward spiral. The smallest positive change, the smallest positive bid, as John Gottman calls them, answered in turn positively, does the trick.

I think we both look out for positive bids to which to respond positively, because neither of us want to end up in the pit of hell.

A simple smile, the squeeze of a hand, the softening of a harsh tone--all tiny positive changes, but all work.

choji said...

What a thoughtful post, Sir. I wonder, though, if the source is what it at stake here. You say this arises when she is not feeling totally happy with giving herself to you, the downward spiral begins. Do you think the solution may reside there, somewhere? If she is not happy, there should be communication. "I sense you are not happy. What's going on, please? Tell me now." Silence is not an option, or at least that is how I would treat the situation. When my Sir asks a question, I dig deeply and answer it. And I find that knowing he wants to know more of my insides makes me want to give more of my outsides. I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in that and it's a basic formula :D But I would like to reinforce that BOY HOWDY it works, Sir!!! I hope your journeys upward are happy and fulfilling xoxo

Anonymous said...

Yes. It's life. We all have those kinds of days, because regardless of who we are in a relationship, there are days that Doms are just as needy or uncertain as a sub.

Anonymous said...

I know this one deeply myself. In our relationship there are many challenges and one of my triggers is distance.
When I feel he is prioritizing distance due to work or other problems, I doubt and spiral. That is one of our issues.
I try to dig and give to him what I need to give and get but as you describe, it begins.
I wonder if there is an issue that makes her doubt.
Are you married, does she want more in the vanilla world which would allow her to give unconditonally otherwise..?
Issues, always issues....
Damn life and Damn, life!

Pygar said...

Thank you all for such thoughtful, kind and supportive comments. I really appreciate it. Forgive me if I do not have time now to reply to all of your comments.

I am sorry I have not responded sooner. The current changes in my life have been taking an inordinate amount of my time and energiew - both physical and emotional.

Rest assured though that I am back on the upward spiral with my sub.

As always I think it comes down to trust and commitment