Thursday, 12 November 2015

vulnerability and fragility

There was a very supportive response to the email from Mary published here on Uncle Agony. Thank you to all who made such insightful and helpful comments.

In the email Mary described how she was suffering from grief and depression. This got me thinking about the potential vulnerability and fragility of subs at such times.

Many say that is not good to make life changing decisions at such a time. However it is can be at these times that one feels impelled to do something different. There can be a desire for change given a belief that anything must be better than the current situation. Some supported, guided change might be just the thing.

However is this a time when someone manipulative can take advantage of such vulnerability? There may be a strong need for love, kindness and support. It could be easy to fall into the whims of a person purporting to offer such support when they might have a different more manipulative agenda.

Though perhaps the biggest difficulty is for those closest. How does a Dom respond when his sub is going through such a difficult time? Is a time-out from D/s and bdsm appropriate - or is it just the thing that can take the sub away from her cares and help improve her mood through distraction and with the creation of endorphins. This is something a Dom can easily get wrong with the best of intentions. When a sub is in a fragile state perhaps such mistakes could be emotionally or psychologically harmful.

I wonder if you have been there as Dom or sub?


Misty said...

I think, in the beginning of a bad situation, there is need for a break--a time for lots of hugs, talking/thinking, and just being there. Don't ask me how long that break should be though! But, well, let me explain what I went through...

Awhile back I went through a great depression...D/s (or whatever label you want to put on us) opened me up and revealed a lot of history I tried to stuff away as a child/teen. I needed space to let it come out, but there came a time that I needed him to do his thing--I needed to be me. We were super new (still are new) and neither one of us saw that. The depression didn't start to get better until we were active again.

My grandmother past away last year, and it kinda went the same way, but different. I needed time, then He was there *before* I thought I needed it, which made a huge difference in the way I coped.

I do not ever want a Dom's job! lol.

Pygar said...

Thank you very much Misty for your thoughts from a very personal perspective. the beginning of a bad situation, there is need for a break- a time for lots of hugs, talking/thinking, and just being there.

I'm fully in agreement about the hugs. Hugs are good. It is a time where there is a closeness and human, physical contact which is supportive in itself. Towards the end of a hug there is a time where it can turn into something more or just break. And that is fine. Perhaps if the decision as to whether it turns into 'something more' or not is in the decision of the person who is fragile then that is ok. If that is seen as 'topping from the bottom' then so be it. Perhaps this is the exactly right time for 'topping from the bottom'. I know as a Dom trying to find the best way to offer support in such a situation I might almost be grateful for that - or at least the hint of a signal. After all, it is about good communications and we don't always know ourselves what we want so we have to trust each other to be trying as best we can.

Thank you again Misty for your openness and for sharing your thoughts.

Best wishes and good luck

P xx

Lea said...

It is almost as if you wrote this post about me (though reading the other post, my issues are a bit different; I am already with my Dominant). I am going through this very thing. My father passed away 4 months ago. At first, continued dominance was a good thing, as it helped me survive. Sir told me to eat, shower, sleep, etc. But over time, D/s eroded because I could barely get through the day, and further tasks/responsibilities was something that I could not handle. For me it was too much. For someone else, it could be a distraction I suppose, but in her case, she should fully explore her current relationship, even if it means deciding to end it before beginning a new one. Everything seems exciting when it is new and novel; she should be careful there.

Pygar said...

Thank you Lea for your comment and for your advice.

I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time at the moment. I can understand how when one is in such despair that additional tasks and responsibilities become impossible. I hope you continue to get support to help you through this time and that you come out of the other side stronger for it.

Good luck

P xx

DM said...

I'm chiming in again ;) After literally a lifetime together my husband/Dom is facing major health issues that don't have a positive outcome. It's affected our life on every level. We haven't put our activities on hold yet but it's definitely affected every aspect of our physical relationship. He's in major denial and is refusing treatment. 5 short years after I went thru this with my father incidentally. I never imagined our life together to be cut short in the prime of our lives yet too old to start over I feel. Facing a future without Him has left me with a skewed view of reality. I often feel like up is down and black is white. I can't wrap my mind around a life that doesn't include us together let alone without the lifestyle we thrive in. I know logically to stay the course and don't make any sudden drastic moves but every fiber of my body wants to run from the pain now and to come and disappear. I feel vulnerable in a raw unsafe way. Will I endured to the end? Absolutely. I owe Him that at the least for the life, devotion & love He's provided me for years. Am I happy about it? Absolutely not. We aren't guaranteed happiness everyday. I do know this too shall pass one day and I'm trying to embrace a new reality that I never wanted. One that sadly won't include Him.

Pygar said...

Thank you for "chiming in" again DaniS.

I am so sorry that things are so bleak for you at the moment.

"Will I endured to the end? Absolutely."

Good - it is great to hear you sounding so positive. I am sure you have the love and support of all of us.

Good luck.

P xx

DM said...

<3 you are a sweetheart...I feel so much better...thank you for your kind wisdom and encouragement <3

Florida Dom said...

DaniS: Just want to give you some cyber hugs in dealing with a heartbreaking situation. Give yourself plenty of time to grieve. Ignore those who might think the grieving process is taking too long for you. We often grieve in different ways. But also remember that life is for the living and eventually you can embrace a new reality and even find happiness again and I am sure he would want you to be happy in the future.


DM said...

Florida Dom~ thank you for the hugs & encouragement. Now that the dust has settled, I'm not in shock anymore and feel 100% better~He does want me happy going long as that happiness entails being celibate ;) but you're right, life is for the living.

purplekittensite said...

I have been into the bdsm lifestyle for 3-4 years and during that time I was undergoing regression therapy. I was lucky to have a therapist that knew a lot about the lifestyle because his daughter had written her thesis on it. He was supportive of me as long as I stayed honest with him which I did. bdsm is not a cure or distraction per se but I made it through my therapy while enjoying the lifestyle I chose. Therapists should come first for anyone with mental illness and most Doms do not try to interfere.

Pygar said...

Thank you for sharing your experience and wise advice purplekitten.

P xx

swl1 said...

I think that what people crave more than anything at such times is normality, and, very unfortunately, what constitutes "normality" those of us with this - don't know - wonderful curse that keeps on giving - is that our kind of normality isn't up for grabs when we lose the one person who could give it to us. So the world goes on around us as if nothing had happened while we stand apart and just watch it.

Pygar said...

Thank you for your thoughts swl1. Yes - there are so many "normalities" and if the normal we want to get back to is not normal to those around us we can be lost. Quite fascinating ...