Thursday, 1 December 2016


A recent email to Uncle Agony (here) and the replies to it got me thinking. The submissive writer and her dominant partner were both new to BDSM. They were each exploring their needs and trying to take on their respective roles. She, the submissive, was though becoming concerned that she was being tasked to do things that were close to or beyond her limits so was  worried that the dominance might be getting close to abuse. There were some very good replies from readers offering excellent insight and helpful advice. I began to worry though about how prevalent this might be. The sub writer had developed concerns and had at least tried to get advice and support from writing to Uncle Agony.  I know others who sadly only recognised their abuse many years later when the hurt was greater and had had a huge affect on their lives not to mention their self image and self esteem.

In some cases this abuse may come from a dominant partner who is manipulative and who has no thought or care for their submissive partner other than using them for their own needs. Such a partner will lower the self esteem of their submissive by encouraging them to believe it is their own fault through not being submissive enough.

However there may well be other cases where it is just lack of knowledge on the part of both partners. A new dominant may feel that they have to express themselves in such a way to show little account of the needs or desires of their submissive partner. "It is what I want that is important." Whereas the submissive who is struggling to obey commands may feel that they are just not being a good submissive and must try harder. The effect in the end will be similar to the first scenario with lack of self esteem and an abusive relationship developing even though that was not the original intention of either of the two.

We were all new to this once. There may be those who were lucky and who met an experienced dominant who was caring and understanding and who supported their submissive through their journey. It is perhaps more unusual though for a dominant to be able to learn from a submissive in such a way. How does a new dominant gain the wisdom to guide and support  a submissive along what can be a very difficult and apprehensive path?

So how do we get started in a safe way - emotionally, psychologically and physically?

How can we encourage those new to BDSM to seek help and advice and where do we advise them to seek it?


Anonymous said...

This is a thought provoking post. Thank you for sharing it.

I can only speak from my own experience. I was new to BDSM and really had no clue. I found a "dom" on the internet and we met in person. We were in a relationship for almost a year. During that time, I was constantly reading blogs etc. I tend to be introspective and want to talk on a deeper level. The dom I was with did not seek a similar connection. So we parted ways.

My now husband I met online. He had a little more experience with BDSM than I did, as I consider I really didn't have much. He sought a deep connection and that's where we bonded.

We have been together 10yrs and our relationship is still growing and changing.
We were both green but we had very good communication and that helped us learn what the others needs are. As a newby, I took it upon myself to read, learn, and ask questions. Lots of questions. Sir was patient, and still is.

With the internet there is so much info out there and so many kind people willing to provide guidance and share their knowledge. A new submissive should seek to learn, and explore their own thoughts and feelings so they know themselves when engaging with a Dom.

I'm also a true believe in listening to your gut. If you get a gut feeling that something isn't right, don't pursue it. Listen to your instincts, they rarely steer you wrong. My advice to a newby would be to know yourself first. Read, learn and know what you are interested in. Know your limits, expect them to be pushed but trust you instinct. And above all, communicate, communicate, commuinicate.


Pygar said...

Thank you for sharing your experiences Anonymous.

I think your advice in the last paragraph is very valuable. Especially of course your recommendation to "communicate, communicate, communicate."

P xx

Lea said...

I think communication is huge - be open and honest. And actively seek knowledge. The internet is a huge resource, especially for those who can't or aren't comfortable seeking the community out in person. I met my Sir online. He had a smidgen more experience than I did, but over time, we've just constantly been in touch with each other about wishes, desires, good and the bad.

Pygar said...

Thanks Lea.

While I actively agree with you as above about communication I wonder though if the issue for those new to this is the other point you mention, "actively seek knowledge". The danger of things going wrong perhaps with those who are very new could be lack of knowledge however well they communicate.

Though I suppose if communication is good and there are problems then there will develop a determination to gain greater knowledge.

As you say, the internet is a huge resource. Used wisely and judiciously it should be a great help I hope.

P xx