Thursday, 31 January 2008

Instruction and extreme activity

A couple of weks ago a few thoughts came together in discussions with several online submissive friends.

It had to do with something which is at the heart of my thoughts about the role and responsibilities of a Dom.

A Dom has a responsibility to his sub. If she is to trust him to make serious decisions that might test or push a sub's limits he must ensure that important decisions such as this are in her long term interest. Limits may sometimes be pushed or boundaries stretched but that is a sensitive thing. I wrote a blog comment recently in relation to an issue about a sub being lent out to another Master:
"... In fact it is probably beyond the limits or boundaries for most subs. Isn't D/s about something a couple does together and lending someone out - unless it was clear that it was something the sub secretly desired - would break that sense of trust. Sometimes instructing a sub to do something extreme is instead actually giving her permission to do it. ..."

I once wrote something to a sub (not my own) suggesting an activity in a fantasy context that would have involved extreme pain and permanent marking. It was intended as a fantasy but I knew she was going to take such fantasies to her Dom and that one would be carried out.

I became quite worried. I was fearful that she might actually do it. I was frightened of being responsible for such a thing and realised I was not playing a game and that my words could have consequences.

The activity did not take place. That was a long time ago. Recently though that sub has been looking into the possibility on her blog. It might happen after all.

Although the activity to me would have been quite extreme I can imagine discussing it with a sub. A little fear can be an exciting and even erotic thing. However the most important part of any D/s relationship for me is trust. I hope that no sub of mine would ever believe I could do something to her that would harm her in any way. So if we were discussing something extreme it would be within that context. That is not to say such an extreme thing could not happen but it would clearly be something that we had both come to desire and knew was right at that time.

Only at that time could I instruct it.

Only at that time would it be right to instruct it.

In a sense my "instruction" would be more like "giving permission" for something we both desired. For something that the sub needed instructing to do to be able to find the strength to go through with it.


Mali said...

I love your view and I completely agree with you, it is like having permission to do the things you secretly desire, but maybe you are too shy to suggest.
I'm so lucky to have found my own Kind Dom, he cares So much and he is still very demanding of me.

I'm looking forward to reading your future posts.

Pygar said...

Thank you for your support Mali.

I'm so pleased you have found a Dom who is both demanding and caring.


Anonymous said...

As always, Dear Pygar, you have wonderfully expressed yourself on this topic. I agree with you on this in that it would be giving a sub permission. But this IS something that each sub needs to discuss with her Dom. If you were my Dom, I would know that you would only go along with creating such an order if it was something I really, really wanted.

~A~ xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Pygar said...

Thank you A.


If only ...


And of course it would need to be something my sub really, really wanted - but was perhaps still a little frightened of ...


Gone said...

I do agree with you. An order can be a permission in disguise. but then, also a dom must help the sub test their limits and discover things that they were afraid of, they actually secretly wanted and didn't even know it... this is how I found out I like being strangled.

Pygar said...

Odoriko - had you hinted you might like being strangled or did your Dom try it out on you without warning and you found out you liked it?

If instead you had been frightened by it would you have been able to prevent a repetition?


Gone said...

I had no idea I would like it. I had heard of it and the idea of it didn't seem unpleasant, but I wouldn't have considered asking to try it, I never really thought I would like it. I never mentioned it at all. He just suddenly did it one time, and I enjoyed it. But it was very soft at first, he wouldn't have just gone ahead and full-on strangled me without knowing if I was okay with it. And of course, if I had told him to stop, and afterwards told him I didn't want it, he wouldn't have done it again, of course. He's kind, like you, Pygar :)