Thursday, 13 November 2008


If you are a sub how well does your Dom listen to you? Does he see that as part of his purpose or is that just to instruct you?

If you are a Dom do you listen to your sub? No, I don't mean just take notice that she has dared to talk and that you have not shut her up. I don't even mean hearing the words and understanding them and attempting to reassure her.


I mean do you try to listen to all she has to say - to understand her feelings - to understand what it is that drives her soul. Do you listen to understand the effect her submission to you has on her? The ecstasy and the agony of accepting your instructions and punishments?

Do you listen to her to understand her deeply?

He is telling me "yes" dear sub ... does he really?


Greenwoman said...

I rather think that listening is a two way street. There are times when a submissive is clearly not listening closely. She's so wrapped up in her fantasy of what a dominant is 'supposed' to be like that she misses what's really true about the bone head she's let in her life. Sometimes too, the man is not interested in dominating the way she fantasizes that should be done, so there's disappointment, misunderstanding, frustration and conflict because of dashed hopes and fantasies. She could be opening up to a whole new sort of submission if only she'd let go her expectations. This is normally known as topping from the bottom.

I think that lots of times dominants become aggravated by a submissive, but I am frequently of the opinion that its because they aren't really listening. They have an idea of what they want and they will do whatever it takes to force that submissive they've got in front of them into their little box, no matter who she is....and the bewildered submissive is suddenly accused of not really being truly submissive or a good submissive if she rebels at being boxed by a man not listening to her. Nothing could be more hurtful to say to a submissive woman too.

I think it takes a lot more skill and alot more confidence in himself if he would find a woman he likes, and take the time to really assess her and then push all the little hidden buttons that forms her submission. Unique to her...and gradually draw her into a delightful experience that has never been had before by either of them. That's real D/s to me. It should be unique to the two people.

In any case, I guess that's the long way round, saying I utterly agree with you about what listening brings to a relationship and how it is even more crucial in a D/s relationship than is a vanilla one. Blessings!

David said...

I have always understood that communications is not a 50 - 50 proposition. It is 2 people, each 100% responsible.

It is always my intention to capture her mind, before proceeding to consume her body.

Mr.C. said...

Listening to and understanding each other is the key to success in any relationship, particularly a dd one.

Embarking on the role of HoH while being unable or unwilling to communicate effectively would be a complete waste of time. You might as well visit an art gallery with your eyes closed.

Alice said...

I agree with all of the comments left so far. Early in our relationship, He spent much time listening, questioning and getting to know me. I was extremely touched and delighted at His thoroughness and attention. He gained my complete trust and led and shaped me with perfect ability. As my submission grew and matured, I realized that I lacked a similar knowledge of Him, I desired to please Him and anticipate His needs, yet I had to rely on trial and error. Though He had shared things with me as well, I had not listened as closely. I made a renewed effort to listen, to pay attention to the things that He said and the clues that He gave. I vowed to begin a "study of Him" as He had done with me.

Listening is a reciprocal art. It is as important for the sub to listen as it is the Dominant. Just following instruction and obeying is not enough, I have learned to tune into Him and know His desires to serve Him well. Communication is the key for a successful D/s relationship (or any relationship).

Pygar said...

Thank you Greenwoman, David, Mr C and Alice for your articulate comments.

I was very interested that you all picked up on the importance of both listening - that it was as important for the sub to listen to her Dom as for him to listen to her.

And of course that it is an essential part of communication which is so important in all relationships.

Thank you again.


Anonymous said...

I listen, I question, I listen more, I think, I question, I listen more, I hear her words, I hear her body, I hear her silence, I listen again, Then I speak, she listens and when we get it right our world changes.

I think communication is important

Anonymous said...

I am very lucky he listens with both his heart and his ears.... well, no actually I am not. I wouldn't be in this relationship if he didn't at least try. But I am lucky to have found him so easily.

We are both listener, mind body and soul. It doesn't always make it easy.

Listening is absolutely a two way street, just as communicating. A person could want to listen deeply but if their partner will not communicate it is hard to "hear". Communication can only happen in emotional safety. Both parties are responsible for keeping their emotional space a safe place where they can both come and be.

Pygar said...

Thank you Sir J and BetteNoir.

The words from each of you were very moving.

"Communication can only happen in emotional safety."

Yes - emotional safety creates the conditions where we can speak openly, be honest and expect our partner to listen carefully to what we say. In turn, knowledge that this is the case brings emotional security. It is a virtuous circle.