Thursday, 16 April 2009


I have just published a new post on the Uncle Agony blog here.

It is an email from a woman who has been conditioned by her Dom so that she can only have an orgasm when given permission. She has now left her Dom and finds that she cannot break that conditioning. She finds herself unable to orgasm and is finding that very stressful.

Having to ask permission before coming to orgasm is something that many Doms require of their subs. That control of a sub's sexuality is something that many Doms and subs find erotic and satisfying. It can be seen as part of a sub's "training".

The emails from my sub friend have made me wonder about the ethics of this if it goes so far as to become conditioning. A sub may be parted permanently from her Master not just through a breakdown in the relationship but also for instance through a tragic bereavement. Would a Dom really want his sub to be left unhappy, frustrated and unsatisfied in such a way?

There may well be other aspects of training becoming conditioning that could prove equally problematic.


Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for your support.
You are the best friend.


cutesypah said...

As I commented on the "Uncle Agony" blog, this is a common problem with anyone going through a breakup. It is particularly problemmatic for those in a BDSM or D/s dynamic, in that we choose to develop a deeper connection, and a deeper trust.

Whether it be orgasm training, or allowing someone to have complete control over the finances, these agreements between partners must also have a safety catch, or a "back door" sts. When a man who has run the family business suddenly dies, and has never informed anyone where his insurance policies are, when the bills are due, or where to find the safety deposit boxes, the wife and children are left bewildered, lost, and wondering why they were left in the dark.

When a Dominant trains a submissive, he or she must always have the submissive's best interest at heart, and must consider the very real probability that one day he or she will be gone from the submissive's life.

Like you, I think that it is a failure to realize and plan for such an incident. If the Dominant is to be in control, and follows SSC or RISK, these issues must be foremost in his or her mind.

Likewise, the submissive must consider these issues as well. We as submissive and slave still retain our ability to choose, and think. We must address these issues with our Dominants, as any fears or concerns which arise in our minds should be brought up for discussion.

It is easy to ask for a "time out" to discuss our concerns when the relationship is happy and healthy. Once the relationship has fallen apart, or a person dies, it makes for a difficult discussion to point out what "should have been done" long ago.

Thanks for bringing up this important issue.

Daddy's cutesy pah

Pygar said...

Thank you F.

Thank you to cutesy pah or your thoughtful comments.I think I agree with all you have said. I think too that it is important for a sub to recognise her responsibilities too. Though I feel so many through the nature of the relationship perhaps rely totally on their Masters.

Yet again it emphasises the importance of good communications


DM said...

Brilliant again...I knew you'd have sound advice!