Tuesday 21 April 2009

emotional sadism

A recent writer to Uncle Agony got me thinking about emotional sadism.

I recognise there is some inherrent sadism in me - that I can get enjoyment from inflicting pain in certain rcumstances. But those circumstances are a scenario within which the person receiving the pain is also gaining some fulfillment from the activity.

I am not sure though that a person receiving emotional sadism can get fulfillment in the same way - or if so whether it is healthy.

There are I am sure emotional masochists - but is that a healthy place be? Should a kind Dom feed emotional maochism?


cutesypah said...

As you know, Pygar, Daddy is a kind Dom as well. He tells me that emotional masochism and sadism is not healthy for me. And, I agree.

Even when I'm not in a vulnerable state, as I am now, I'm not one who handles emotional degradation well. I took so much of it in past relationships, it reeks of abuse.

Just my .02. YMMV. Take what you like and leave the rest.

Daddy's cutesy pah

Moi said...

My...well...I wouldn't think I'm an emotional masochist on the face of it, but when I stand back and look...with all the pain I put myself through, could be I am.

Fine line this riding of dominant/submissive vs. over the edge abuse, yes? Takes two strong individuals to play it safe, play it "right." And when that combo unites, it's magic.

Anonymous said...

I think emotional sadism is abuse however I allow for playing with emotions and humiliation and i accept the the line is more of a large grey band then a thin black one.

I know where it is for me and my girl but like so much of the games we play I am sure it is different for others

Pygar said...

Thank you cutesy pah, Gillette and Sir J. Like cutesy pah and and Sir J I too feel there is a thin line between emotional sadism and abuse.

Your comment Gillette made me think of a compulsion I often feel for strong emotions. That roller coaster can be fun until it goes wrong! But I am not sure that is the same as emotional masochism. Made me wonder though!


Anonymous said...

I think Emotional Sadism crosses the line when accompanied by real anger. If in the context of a scene it is for the mutual enjoyment of both parties. That is just my take on it.


Anonymous said...

i need that.to explore my feelings of insecurity with a Master i totally and completely trust. To be allowed to be completely and totally vulnerable and then the pleasure when it's over and i feel 100% loved and cared for. I also understand that it can only happen during "play" time. i need the reassurance after, but i also need to beg and plead untill i get that reassurance. Yes, it can be damaging if you are not prepared to explore those feelings completely and wholely and with a Daddy who understands your need to go through it and come through... with him. One day we may not need it.. it may have all been "worked out" of us. But until then it feels so damned good. Honestly, it's great to be able to let myself come out because during the day and in my career I am the exact opposite. I thank my Daddy so much for allowing me to go through it with him and to feel secure in the knowledge that i am in completely safe with him.

Pygar said...

Thanks Magee and ema.

I think Magee that a Dom should be in control at all times during scene and that if he allows himself to experience real anger then he has lost control and that can be dangerous.

I think though Magee and ema that I was not meaning so much of the emotional play that takes place within a scene that you talk of. Clearly there will be emotional and psychological play within a scene and that can be fun. I was talking rather of longer term psychological and emotional hurt that might be deliberately caused by a controlling emotional sadist who could do real harm to his sub through playing cruelly with her emotions.


Anonymous said...

I agree with you Pygar. The Long term emotional sadism is the most damaging. It twists you in knots and makes you question your whole being to the point that you lose your confidence, and self respect. And yes a Dom should always be in control whether in scene or in regular life. Unfortunately some aren't and that is when real damage is done, wise and kind Doms are good to have. Wish we were all so lucky.


Anonymous said...

i think there is a different line for everyone, but that for the vast majority of subs, they use it as catharsis. i know that whenever i'm feeling down on myself, inadequate, or worried i'm not pleasing him, simple reassurances are not always enough. a small amount of pain delivered in a safe and caring manner takes away the guilt so that i can hear his comforting words and reassurances. without the dose of pain, i'm not always going to hear straight.

Melissa said...

I have to agree with others before me that emotional sadism or masochism is not healthy. Personally, I would not play with a Dom who subscribed to it.

However, I also agree with a previous comment that there is room within a scene for emotional manipulation, but it's a fine line between that and emotional abuse.

I enjoy humiliation play, and there is a solid argument that it's one and the same as emotional sadism. But in my mind, it's not prolonged or a prevelent every day part of the relationship (tho I suppose it could be).

Shoot, I've just confused myself! Great discussion!

Pygar said...

Thanks anonymous and Melissa for continuing to develop this subject.

I don't think though Melissa that your thoughts sound confusing. I think you have made a good point that there is a difference between humiliation within a scene and the prolonged use of it on a day to day basis that might be seen as emotional sadism.