Wednesday, 24 November 2010

feeling needed

An "ex" said to me a few days ago that she believed I had to feel needed. Unlike much else she said of me (it was a somewhat heated exchange!) I pondered on the possible truth of this. I wondered also if it was a Dom thing.

I do know that it is true that I enjoy affection - don't we all. It is quite lovely to have someone express strong affection for oneself, love even, but do I want to be needed? I wondered whether having someone need me is too much of a stress. It may not even involve the affection. Need is a very powerful thing - and trying to meet the expectations of such need could be very demanding.

However, is that part of what Domination and submission is about? That a sub needs the control of her Master which is the reason for her submission to him? There is something in that which frightens me a little though. I would rather it came from affection than need in that sense - where it was me personally that was needed as opposed to the control and other aspects of domination that I could give. Perhaps it is the personalisation of such need that I shirk away from.

But still I wonder if the desire for power that may be part of domination includes a desire to be needed. I would be interested in how other Doms and subs perceive this.


Jz said...

Oh, now THERE'S a tangled web to unweave!

It seems to me that people want to feel needed, yet hate being needed. Being needed seems to be one of the quickest ways to send someone heading for the hills.

Yet a Dominant needs a submissive and a submissive needs a dominant. You really can't be one without your complement.

I think you're right, that it's that being the personalization of someone's need that makes us uncomfortable. We're okay with the generic terms but don't start with the serious stuff!

As you can see, I have no answer. But I'll be watching with interest to see what others say...

Pygar said...

Thanks Jz - I think you have made a really good point about the difference between wanting to feel needed as opposed to being needed.

It led me to think about "commitment". Does that not follow from your distinction? That if one wants only to feel needed as opposed to be needed it is because one is not prepared to give that commitment. And surely commitment is very important in a serious D/s relationship.

So when she said to me that I had to be needed - maybe she was paying me a compliment, implying I wanted to give such a commitment?


Anonymous said...

You wrote "where it was me personally that was needed as opposed to the control and other aspects of domination that I could give"...

Are not your control and domination part of you personally? Did your subs not initially have the option to choose other Doms? You do not live in a closed community, where you are the only Domly option, do you? Those same subs had access to the internet? At some point your subs chose to become involved with YOU personally, the whole package, the man, because Pygar the man informs who Pygar the Dom is.

I know that this does not address the full scope of your post, but this bit leapt out at me.

Lady Xanax said...

There is an inherent 'need' on both sides. The need to dominate and the need to submit. However, I don't want my sub to need me in such a way as to pine without me. She is an independant woman, with her own life and career as I have. We have a long distance relationship and we simply can't be together as often as we'd like. I want her to be a free spirit in every other aspect.

We fulfill our D/s needs in other ways. I prefer to see them as desires, an itch that needs to be scratched. Being needy is completely different to feeding a need. Out of our need has developed love and affection. I love my sub and care for her as I know she loves and cares for me as her Lady.

I have a desire to dominate but I don't necessarily need to have it fulfilled 24/7. I engage with my sub in many other ways to ensure I can still feel dominance over her and in turn, she fulfills her desire to be submissive. Though now after almost 20 months being together, this is very much borne of our affection for each other.

Sometimes though, we both need each other. The urge is too great to ignore. So we engage in e-sessions on Skype to scratch that itch. But I don't think that 'need' is the same as being needed. I certainly don't want to be needed, rather that my sub wants to serve me to energise her sub soul. And that desire certainly soothes my Domme soul.

Being needed can be very clingy and claustrophic as well as mentally draining and stressful. I don't have to worry about my sub. I know she can handle herself and her life perfectly well. Yes, we need each other. It's ying and yang, two sides of the same coin. And though we need each other to fulfill a purpose, neither of us are needy and clingy.

Ida Virgin said...

Ooh.... my brain is much too fuzzy to really say what I mean and am thinking here :-)

But the subject of needs is definitely a tricky one. In terms of D/s and control... I need to be dominated. Even though I may love a man who does not dominate me, I could not be with that person in the long run. On the flip side, if I'm not with the right dominant man, I wouldn't want to stay with him either. It really is a whole package... the man and the dominance within him.

I want to be needed. Or is it just high on the want scale? Not so much that my partner is whiny and clingy and can't function without me, but being able to nurture someone is something that I need and feel incomplete without.

Wow... I don't think I'm making much sense.

Unknown said...

Whatever the relationship in my life, D/s or vanilla, I will never NEED a man but I may want a man in my life.

Pygar said...

Thank you KellyRed - I have been giving your interesting comment some thought.

You may be right that in the real world the need for control and the need for me as the person giving that control may not be easily separated.

However there seems to be a logical distinction so maybe I am just being pedantic. If a sub has a need for control and forms a close relationship with me as the Master administering that control then it might seem as if the need was for me. However if our relationship were later to come to an end it would cause great sadness. However it would be possible for her to have her need for control to be met by someone else - another Dom.

If however she truly needed me. Then in that case it would be difficult if not almost impossible for her to put an end to the relationship. That would give me great power over her.

I wondered if that was a power that some Doms craved - so wanting a sub to need them. And also whether there might be some dangers in that?


Pygar said...

Thank you Lady Xanax for your own perspective as a Domme. I think you are right to point out that we may all have a range of differing and changing needs and desires.

You may be correct also in hinting that many such "needs" may in truth be "desires".

- and also that "neediness" can have many negative connotations.


Pygar said...

Thanks too Ida Virgin. I think you are making sense - but the more I think about this subject myself I find it becoming ever more complex. The way we might look at the needs from both sides.

Do I need someone to need me and might she need me to need her ...?

I think I need to go and lie down!


Pygar said...

Thanks Mindset. Is it that you will never need a man in a generic sense - or that you will never need a specific man. Or perhaps you won't know until he comes along?