Thursday, 19 July 2012

who is in control - the comments

I had started some time ago, before I went on holiday, so begin to respond to the comments on this post. It was fascinating that this particular post generated such an interesting discussion. People have been adding to it again even recently. If you have not read the full discussion, I do recommend it. You can find the full thread here.

I have read it through again now. Some contributions are working from a thoughtful, logical starting point, others express individual needs. The thought for a sub that she may be ultimately in control can destroy the whole dynamic. Given the time lapse since the original thread I am finding it difficult to come up with any very thoughtful summary or conclusion. I think it stands as a whole and I do hope you will find the entirety interesting.

I will include below in italics the draft thoughts I had started a few weeks ago, before some of the later comments were added.

Thank you to everyone who commented on my previous post "who is in control". What a fantastic discussion. Everything written there was interesting and thoughtful - and contributed constructively to the debate. I have found it hard to find a good response of my own. I kind of don't want to take sides in the debate as it stands - as I think that all sides of the discussion have very valid points - and in the end does it matter?

I think too that every relationship is different. I have tried to emphasis throughout this blog my view that there are no right and wrong ways to have a D/s relationship but we have to each find our own way built on care and trust.

I do think that Dannah Bridger is right to advise us not to confuse "control" and" power". I know just the very act of submission is very powerful. It certainly has a powerful physical and emotional effect on me. It fills me with desire and love. It urges me on to take control to emphasise and increase her submission.

I understand how Miss G finds "submission is a gift" to be trite. However I believe it is - and knowing it is such can allow one to be in control. I know if ever I have doubts about a sub wishing to give me her submission then it weakens me and my ability to dominate. However I do also understand her point that from the subs perspective the whole point is that she has given up control and does not want a Dom who cannot share that view.

There are several comments that emphasise the power in a sub being able to withdraw her control. So it is interesting that ...

I must have had something fascinating to add here but I have forgotten what now!!!!

In the end as DV has said "does it matter if the sub has some control or not?" It clearly does to many given the amount of discussion that has arisen! Though perhaps it is all a matter of semantics. In the end we will all seek fulfillment in working on the dynamics of our own relationships which will work where trust and consideration for others sits alongside control.

Whether you control or are controlled, good luck and have fun.

Again - thank you all.


Unknown said...

Hi there, my name is Ticcers wife, and I have just discovered your blog. I'm a sub in a d/s marriage. and after reading all the comments in the original post, I agree with most. to be honest, in our marriage hubby is in control most of the time. Play time... yes im in control, but only to some degree. I totally trust my husband, and would follow his lead always.

Thank you for your blog.
I will follow with interest.

TW xx

Pygar said...

Welcome Tickers.

I'm pleased you enjoy the blog.

P xx

Unknown said...

Like Ticcers I too just found you insightful blog. We are a more mature couple who found each other later in life and we knew we were soul-mates.

We both manage our end of responsibilities and sometimes that line blends so there is not always a clear delineation, but undoubtedly Master has the final say.