Tuesday, 18 September 2012

new to all this

Since starting this blog I occasionally get emails from readers asking me for advice. That is very flattering and I always try to reply honestly and supportively. However I know that I am not the font of all knowledge - especially in this area. That is why I set up the Uncle Agony blog. It was a place where with agreement with the writer - I could share emails so that others could offer their perspective and advice.

I have noticed though that a number of emails have been from female subs new to this world. They often have little knowledge and sometimes false preconceptions of what their role should be and of what they should expect from a dominant partner. Many seem to feel that they have given up rights and that they should accept anything that a dominant demands. They worry that if things go wrong it must be their own fault as they are inexperienced and less knowledgeable.

I worry that many new subs are in a vulnerable position and place themselves in situations where manipulative or ignorant Doms can abuse them.

This may not even be with people new to this life. A sub friend who had been abandoned by her Dom after many years discovered that her preconceptions were wrong when she met with new Doms and that she had been misled and used badly by her Dom during that time. Another, partly from reading this blog, realised she was being abused rather than in a true D/s relationship and got divorced.

The purpose of this blog was to investigate ethical issues relating to D/s - partly to help me formulate my own thoughts and to investigate potential contradictions. It saddens me though that there are those who may be being manipulated and abused by unscrupulous people who misuse power over those who trust them.


agog said...

Unfortunately, this isn't exclusive to BDSM. The worst part is seeing it happen, knowing the person won't listen...Most people just have to learn on their own.

Pygar said...

Thank you agog. You are right of course that this isn't exclusive to BDSM. However I worry that within new D/s relationships there is the structure that can almost encourage abuse from selfish or ignorant partners.

It must be hard if you have had friends who will not recognise or listen to advice but have to learn from their own mistakes. I guess many of us are like that.

However I still worry if in D/s there are 'newbies' who are more susceptible to abuse who might benefit from warnings and help.

P xx

Anonymous said...

Dear Pygar,
Yes, healthy warnings are good! The bottom line is consent. We always, always, always have the option of removing our consent, and whatever it is should end immediately, with no penalties of any kind.... especially emotional! Always have a safe word and use it when it no longer feels delicious or fun, or appropriate, or whatever boundaries make sense in your own head. If we stop a scene with a safe word and then are told we'll get it twice as bad next time, that is not okay. Submission is a gift, and ours to give.
Thanks for your wonderful blog, Pygar.

Desireous said...

Long before I ever discovered my own submissive tendencies I found myself in one abusive relationship after another. I didn't understand why until the day I met a natural dominant who didn't know he was a Dom any more than I knew I was a sub and together we learned about who we are. Abuse is the price many subs pay unfortunately and there is little I suppose that can be done about it. Great post. Thanks for writing it!

Pygar said...

Thank you Maryann for your kind words about the blog.

You are of course right that consent is at the heart of this. I suppose though I am trying to delve a bit deeper in that with little knowledge a someone might not know what was and wasn't appropriate to accept. Surely consent requires a certain level of knowledge and understanding?

P xx

Pygar said...

Welcome Ddesirous - especially if you happen to be the Desirous who used to visit Beau's blog some years ago.

I am pleased you eventually managed to escape from abusive relationships and to discover a true D/s relationship.

It seems very sad though if, as you say, that abuse is a price some subs have to pay.

Thanks for your openness and your thoughtful comment- and for your kind words.

P xx

Desireous said...

Yes it is me in the flesh er well virtually in the flesh that is. Glad to be back and to discover you here. :)

Pygar said...

Welcome back Des!

I have fond memories of a delightful game of strip scrabble ...


P xx

Unknown said...

Always have a safe word and use it when it no longer feels delicious or fun, or appropriate, or whatever boundaries make sense in your own head.

FirstClass Foods Inc

Pygar said...

Yes Wilbur - a safe word can be an important part of feeling safe. Also important is the confidence to use it and to know when that is appropriate. That too needs discussing as part of the development of trust.

- P

Kitty for Mr. Woods said...

I'm a little late to this post as I am new to your blog, but I can very much relate to this post. As a new sub, I struggle a lot with knowing what my true limits are and when to use my safeword. One side of me thinks, this is not just for him, but for both of us. And, like a previous poster said, if its not fun, it should stop. Another side of me thinks, if I only do things that are fun for me where is the submission in that? If I dont push my limits, how do I grow? Its a delicate balance, I believe. Sir has been amazing in helping me find it.

Pygar said...

Thank you Kitty. I am sorry I have taken so long to respond to your very interesting comment. I think I may use it as the topic for a future post where I can perhaps respond in more detail.

P xx