Thursday, 28 February 2013


A correspondent mentioned a couple of times in an email to me recently that neither she nor her Domme felt any guilt in what they do. Nor should they. While some of what they do many might find extreme they play safely to ensure no harm is caused. It is consensual with care and trust.

So I wonder why guilt was mentioned at all.

Is because we cannot get away from how we believe others might perceive our activities?


dancingbarez said...

It does seem to be due to perception. While we don't feel any guilt for the way we play there is some edge play that is not blogged about because it is not sure if readers would find it upsetting.

tori said...

Im inclined to agree with dancing, the activities that i engage in i dont feel guilt about, i tend not to delve too much on my own blog indepth of what my Master and i enjoy not because readers might find it upsetting but because it causes judgement....i get my fair share of "sounds abusive" types of comments as it is!

Being honest though i do on occassion have twinges of feeling shame that i enjoy the things i do but im learning to let go of that.

Jacquie said...

I do believe it is the perception of what other individuals would find acceptable; the social constraints and correctness. Even with the publishing of certain literature recently bringing widespread acceptance there is still a line between accepting the literature and accepting the lifestyle as some would care to live it. Even outside of play, admitting to being a submissive and the extent of my desire to serve is not accepted, not politically correct for a woman to kneel before a man, physically or metaphorically; I’ve been referred to as second class. I don’t feel guilt for how I wish to live; my choice. Although there are times when I feel conflict stemming from lack of validation from others. These are the times when I need to get my head straight and remember I only need validation from one; the one to whom I am submissive.

Anna May said...

I am fairly new to the lifestyle, so there is guilt on my part, mainly with humiliation, or objectifying play; which are things I truly enjoy to do...but have that inner struggle. It tends to come down to self respect and thinking that I am not respected by my Dom. Though I know it is not true but I have a hard time understanding that a man can still respect you...and do bad things to you at the same time.

I am sure in time, and with the right Dom, I will be able to get over the insecurity, and with that the guilt will fade away.

Pygar said...

Thanks dancingbarez. Yes I too can find some edge play too much to read about. One needs to be within it and aware of the context I suppose.

I am not sure that you are feeling "guilty" though. Surely it is good to think of your readers in such a way. Though I could understand you would like to feel confident at sharing all that you do and not feel a need to hide some of it. Perhaps that is where the association with "guilt" comes from. Or is it closer to mild shame?

P xx

Pygar said...

Thanks tori. I am sorry that you have had judgemental comments. I can understand that makes you more cautious about what you publish.

It is interesting that you refer to a feeling of "shame" rather than guilt. I hope you manage to let go of that feeling and embrace all you do.

P xx

Pygar said...

Thanks Jacquie for linking it to the perception of others. It is interesting too how you develop this into our need for validation. I suppose too it is our dislike of being judged harshly.

I suppose though that this only turns into guilt if we truly respect the views of those who judge us so harshly.

You sound though to know how to get your head straight!

P xx

Pygar said...

Thank you Anna May for describing your struggles with this feeling. Perhaps it comes down to that conflict between beliefs you have held about respect and the establishment of your self esteem yet allowing yourself to experience and enjoy things that directly challenge or are in conflict with this.

I hope you find the right Dom who you can trust and who you will know truly respects you whatever he may subject you to.

Good luck on your journey and take care.

P xx

Anonymous said...

Guilt is a funny thing. Its like arguing nature verses nurture on why you are or aren't kinky. Its possible we are born this way or its possible that maybe we aren't as well adjusted as we want others to believe.

Some behaviors are conditioned is my belief. A lot of people think I should be home 24/7 with my children and waiting on my husband to return home to a hot meal. Well I can't cook aside from survival food and I have a job that took forever to work my way into. I have a 401K and excellent insurance and my kids are in private school. So sure I feel guilty for not being more available.

But I don't feel guilty for my kink. I think the guilt is on more how my kink may affect others.

But I am not sure to this day if I feel guilty because I truly regretted my actions or if I felt guilty because to some extent I was supposed to feel guilty.

I think guilt is society's way of enforcing their basic idea of moral behavior. As a result guilt is in my opinion often abused by authority figures to condition others into their ideal but not necessarily society's ideal as a whole.

In conclusion guilt is a form of mass manipulation and control. But I think its a learned behavior as opposed to an emotion.

But then this is my opinion.

- C

Pygar said...

Thank you C for your very thoughtful response. Your idea that guilt is something caused by society and is a learned response rather than an emotion is very interesting.

P xx

sinister_ali said...

I worry about how others perciev my actions. In my marriage I let Master Rick order for me at resteruants or things like that. I never want people to wonder if I'm in a controlling/abusive relationship. it's not that for sure. guilt, maybe a little. I know I feel guilty every time we use a sitter for anything. otherwise I don't really think about much.

Pygar said...

Thanks for your perspective ali. I do understand your feeling not to want anyone think you are in an abusive relationship - which you clearly are not.

P xx