Tuesday, 23 April 2013

Looking for a Dom

In the discussion in comments to my previous post, No Limits, I became struck not just by the importance of the trust that must develop between Dom and sub, as I am very concious of that, but also of the difficulty that poses for couples seeking to develop a new D/s relationship.

Desireous gave an example of a prospective "Dom" who communicated totally inappropriately. However I know from bitter experience that it can be difficult as a Dom (perhaps especially a kind Dom!) trying to project an appropriately "Domly" image. It is easy to get it wrong. My woman initially rejected me during our initial online conversation. I was far too nice. She was looking for someone cruel and heartless!

LM also commented on the difficulties as a sub in starting a new D/s relationship. Clearly there may need to be strict limits and guidelines at the start of a relationship until an understanding develops.

So in particular it struck me how hard it must be for a sub to find a Dom who will be compatible and truly meet their needs. Typically a sub will be looking for a Dom who is strong, who can control and use them. They may be looking even for a frisson of anxiety of what might take place when they have given up control. So as well as someone who can impress them by their psychological as well as physical strength they will be looking for someone who is also respectful - who will respect their limits and keep them safe.

I cannot imagine how it must feel to be tied up alone, for the first time by someone who they are still getting to know and trust. There must always be a fear that the initial trust could be misplaced.

I wondered if there is advice that those more experienced at this than me can give to others who may be "looking", who want to experience being controlled and used but who naturally want to stay safe. How do you avoid the idiots, charlatans, wannabes and psychopaths?


tori said...

I did laugh at your comment of your woman originally rejecting you, i was wary of my Master initially for the opposite reason....he scared me lol

It is difficult when looking especially perhaps online because its easier to 'hide' behind a computer screen.

My advice for what its worth is

1) if there is interest by both parties, ask for phone number/skype as soon as possible, this immediatley scares off wannabees/those game playing..plus 'talking' to someone is more revealing than just online typing in a box.

2) if you meet up, make it public, make sure someone knows where your going, arrange to phone that friend at an arranged time

3) trust your instinct, dont be pursuaded to 'play' on first meet if your just not 'feeling' it, if you are then give it a go...but i would suggest rather than one anothers home...perhaps a hotel where there is that level of security.

4) do they have ex 'play' partners that they would be happy for you to talk to?, if that would make you feel more comfortable

5) Are they willing to go slow, to build the trust up, so you feel more secure.

I have to be honest though and say, i met my Master online, we quickly moved to real/time and we did 'play' on the first meet..lol

but 7 years down the line now 24/7..well it worked out good.

Really it cant be stressed enough but be sensible, dont drink lots of alcohol before meeting to loosen up, you want to be clear headed.

But most of all to establish trust takes time, and both need to respect that...as you learn about each other.

sorry think i have gone on.

Desireous said...

I think Dom's should just be themselves and that means when you first meet a sub not acting domly because a Dom has no right to act Domly with a sub until she accepts him. That is half the problem in trying to meet a Dom. They all too often want to start out Domming you with their first line. I don't just submit to anyone and I think most subs probably feel the same way. My submission is for the right man or men always and of my choosing. But you bring up a good point and help me to be perhaps a little more understanding of what the Doms are going through on their side. There should maybe be a book of etiquette for this lol Because obviously none of us really know what we are doing haha

You have given us much to think about in these last couple of posts! Thanks for the good reads!

Pygar said...

I am adding LM's comment on the previous post "No Limits" as it seems particularly relevant:

It's true, it is a 'minefield' out there! Too many so-called 'Doms' assume and expect far too much, far too soon. The way i see it, any Dom worth his word, should allow time for trust to build with a new sub before even attempting to make demands.
@Desireous i totally hear you! Like you, i am certainly no 'pain slut': understanding & accepting the need for discipline is quite different from 'getting off' on a severe beating! ...it DOES seem that (on bdsm sites, at least) if a sub seeks to find a genuine Dom, what she actually gets is a plethora of greedy charlatans eager to prey on her need. :(
.....it's all pretty crap really.

tori said...

oh Desireous hit the nail on the head as well....

There is nothing more off putting than a dominant expecting instant submission or demanding to be called by a title..respect is something that is earned not just a given!

LM said...

Absolutely! i whole-heartily agree!
i think (particularly from an online point-of-view)the problem is there are a lot of people (subs & Doms alike) who spend too much time fantasising about what they THINK a Dom/sub relationship should be like, with no real thought or consideration for how it will fit into 'real life': In reality, a man simply wouldn't go up to a woman he likes the look of and order her to her knees and demand she called him Master!!
So why on earth do they think that it is an acceptable approach online?
For me, this is who i am, NOT who i want to be in the bedroom... sometimes... depending on my mood, lol.

The best advice i could give to any Doms (new OR old-seasoned!!) is SLOW down- take time to actually get to know the sub, to find out who she is as a person, what makes her 'tick'....
afterall, it isn't a 'one-size-fits-all' situation: if you really want her to submit to you, you need to know exactly which of her buttons to press to bring out the very best of her, for You. ;)

Pygar said...

Thank you tori for the advice that you have given. It all looks very sound and useful.

Laughing at me though! I don't know - the way I get treated by some subs!!!! ;)

I agree too Desireous that in meeting up we should all try to be just ourselves. I suppose in any such first meetings though there can be a temptation to try to impress and this can so easily backfire. Also, as you rightly say, it is not appropriate to start "Domming" right from the start. As tori added, "... respect is something that is earned not just a given."

Yes, perhaps we should get together and write that book of etiquette!

Thank you LM for contributing both of your comments.

Your thoughts about integration of D/s into real life situations is very relevant. If one has not thought this through then perhaps any meetings will fulfil only immediate and short term fantasies as opposed to deep set needs and desires.

A great discussion with lots of interesting points. Thank you all for being so thoughtful.

P xx

nbs said...

I think others have said it very well here.
Caution and slow slow slow.. if he is the right dominant, then you have time on your side.

Meet in public first.. please!

Have a safe call when you meet together alone.. it may seem foolish but -- what is the harm of being over cautious?

I've been impatient with Sir at times for going so slowly.. but we've been blessed with time and his pace seems like a good idea .. in hindsight.

Trust your instincts.. always!

And don't be discouraged.. there are indeed some wonderful people out there.. it just takes time!

Pygar said...

That sounds like very sound advice nbs. Thanks for contributing it.

I would like to reinforce your encouraging words, "And don't be discouraged.. there are indeed some wonderful people out there.. it just takes time! "

P xx

Dc said...

I agree to all the comments has been said and I want to add mine. I have only experienced online Master/slave sadly. My rl doesn't allow the chance for it. I guess I can place myself in the category of wannabe. I was married for about 20yrs and I found out last years before separation, that my needs had changed from vanilla to bdsm world. My x never really liked it so I felt alone and worse but I found the IMVU world. I found a way to release my need even though my beginnings was based on ignorance but I later was told of some good sites to read. I know reading is not enough but that is all I am left with. This page will be copied for reference. Yes a book would be great and give big applaud to those who are brave enough to buy it. I wish I could have rl but having a chance to build trust means I have to be free to do so. Rl and Virtual are so so different. Most of it is built on fantasies which I became aware of. Finding out there is more than to it, I became scared to find who will be the Doer to my submissive needs which are sexual. In a community so small, I can only experience it online. Maybe you can suggest what are the good sites out there.

Pygar said...

Thank you Dc. Widening this discussion into online relationships certainly adds another dimension.

Online relationships can quickly become very intense and can in many ways be just as 'real' as real time relationships. I know of situations where subs feel they have been badly misled and misused by online Doms.

I had not heard of IMVU before but I do know of subs who have had online D/s relationships within Second Life. I am afraid that I know little though about how that works.

It is possible to make good online friendships and have online chats through websites such as the now restructured InformedConsent in the UK and Fetlife.com.

Others may have other suggestions for online relationships and play - but for discussion and making friends - following and contributing to the very many blogs relating to BDSM is certainly a good way.

Good Luck

- P

sinister_ali said...

In my dealings with Master J he puts a lot of emphasis on trust. he wants me to trust him and his wife. that's one of the first things we talked about. Hes never given either of us a reason not to trust him. as far as expecting to much, he doesn't expect much but once the distance factor melts away im sure he will expect more. my advice for subs looking. trust your instincts. always! if it doesn't seem right then walk away before its too late to walk easily. -slave ali

Pygar said...

Yes slave ali - like Master J, I put emphasis on trust. That can and perhaps should take time to develop though. You are right to recommend to walk away before it is too late if things don't seem right.

P xx

sinister_ali said...

too many people get hurt or killed even, not just in the lifestyle but in general because they don't trust their instincts. just because im a slave doesn't mean i forget who i am or about me. im outspoken, often giving my opinion in and out of turn. i would never go beyond my limits or do something i dont think is right. even if it will make me more loved or a better slave.

Pygar said...

Thnaks again ali. I think may will find it good to hear from someone who describes herself as a 'slave' explaining how that does not mean compromising on who you are and on expressing yourself strongly.

P xx