Monday, 7 October 2013


It has often been said by me and by others how essential trust is in a D/s relationship. If one is to give themselves to another, to submit completely to their wishes and desires, they need to know that they can trust the other to ensure they come to no harm. That level of trust might often be found in a totally loving relationship. There is clearly strong affection between many D/s couples where that love and affection is entwined within the roles of dominance and submission.

However I recently came across a blog post where the sub was anxious that she might be developing strong feelings for her Dom. She did not want to love her Dom. That was part of her primary relationship. Her D/s relationship was just to meet certain needs. Love or even affection had no part in it. Affection for her Dom almost seemed a contradiction given that she wanted him to use her cruelly. How could he be cruel if he loved her and how could she love him if she suffered cruelty from him?

So that got me thinking about whether love is essential in a D/s relationship or is it a contradiction? Though part of me thinks it may almost be bound to grow from a D/s relationship given the trust and commitment involved.

Is love central to your relationship, irrelevant to it or a contradiction? Is it a prerequisite of a successful D/s relationship or is it inevitable it will grow from one?


tori said...

I 'met' my Master online, it progressed to r/time very quickly, i think because of this way of coming together love wasnt instantaneous (im not a believer in love at first sight!), i respected him first.

Did i expect love? truthfully no, he wasnt particularly seeking it out either, but 7 years on i do love him very much and he loves me.

I think because of the nature of these relationships, the intensity perhaps? its natural for feelings to grow as time goes on.

Is love essential? i dont think so, but its all the more fullfilling in my opinion when it is.

Does it change the way our dynamic works in any way? nope, im his slave first, love doesnt effect his expectations of me.

Anonymous said...

I read somewhere that a Dom needs to have a level of love for His sub in order to care for her properly after a scene.

This isn't a scene that one would embark at a play party where you need minimal trust, but to the degree that you trust your life with Him.

The reason i read is that in order to truly care for her well being and put that above all else, love is a key factor.

Now, in my opinion, there are levels of love. i actually had this conversation with my Dom when we started. i am not in love with Him nor do i want that with Him, but i suck at knowing the difference between abuse and love that i needed clarification on how will i know so i accept it properly. In other words, Him caring for me, my well being, etc isn't an agenda to abuse me, it's a degree of love and with that i'm able to accept it, trust Him, grow with Him, etc., so that He can take me to where i want to go with this journey.

i guess it depends on what you want from the journey, but i do feel in time feelings become stronger. Not necessarily the level of in love though.

Unknown said...

In my opinion I think there should be some level of love in a D/s relationship.
Submitting to a person is easy, but can some one FULLY submit to a person they don't get love from? And can a Dom/me really control and cherish someone that doesn't love them back?

Pygar said...

What different but fascinating interpretations of the place of love within D/s relationships.

Thank you tori, His slut and Hisprecious slave.

Although there are differences there sees to be a core in what you write that love may grow from the intensity of a D/s relationship. Perhaps tori emphasises this and explains it well. However Hisprecious slave seems to feel that it might be essential.

I wonder though His slut about your confusion between love and abuse. However I agree that love does not give a Dom a license to abuse. To me abuse is the opposite of a loving D/s relationship.

Thank you all

P xx

mouse said...

Daddy has always said love wasn't needed...

Or rather it was ok for the sub to love the Dom, but not really needed the other way around.

Think he's changed his mind, because he loves mouse.


Pygar said...

Thank you mouse.


Your lovely comment made me smile and Inès said it was the cutest comment I'd had on my blog.

I'm pleased love has grown in your relationship.

We Doms can be big softies sometimes.

P xx

Bleue D'âme said...

I think this depends on how you define "D/s" .

For me, I need the complete love and trust. Because I feel that the submissive side is so much apart of who I am, there isn't a shut off and I want to share that with the one I can completely BE with...I don't like showing a lot of myself, and if I take down all those walls and be only happens with the M I love.

The more time you spend with someone, the more you connect with them; whether those feelings turn into something else as time goes on...

I would think love is essential to a relationship..any relationship, play partners or service tops/bottoms..there are a lot of different kinds of love that could be present here (love of the friendship, love of the activities, etc). Fascinating post.

Pygar said...

Thanks Bleuame. I do understand what your thoughts about vulnerability. I too want and expect my sub to be completely open with me about everything. There are no barriers. Opening up totally demands trust and respect in both directions. Being so completely open, expressing ones vulnerability and hiding nothing of oneself must have a strong emotional context. Perhaps this is love.

Though as you say there are so many different kinds and levels of love. I think though in this case I am talking of a love that is deep and profound. Though other than a strong affection, perhaps love also implies a commitment. Recognition of that commitment is surely what someone needs to be able to submit completely.

Thanks again Bleuame for your great response.

P xx

Master49 said...

My sub and I loved each other before she became my sub and before we entered our D/s relationship. I think without that love already being in place, it would have been difficult for us to go down the road we did because her love for me also meant that she had trust in me, and we all know how important trust is in a solid D/s relationship.

We loved each other prior to D/s, but once we entered D/s, that love actually intensified as we settled into our respective roles.

Pygar said...

Thank you Master49.

It is good to hear of a relationship where D/s has intensified the love within it.
- P