Monday, 23 October 2017


There have been so many words written recently in relation to this man's actions and the broader issues they raise. So I do not presume to think I have much to add but will say just a few words as men have been asked to do so rather than it being women who are condemning such actions.

Of course I do so - and recognise that it is not just about one man or one business but pervades society and too often men's attitudes to women. In particular it applies to men in power and how they chose to use or abuse that power.

A BDSM relationship or situation is just that - where one person has power over another. The key is whether the one with power chooses to abuse that power relationship. Within the BDSM community there is such a consensus over the need for consent and opprobrium towards those who abuse that situation that I hope such abuse is rare. However I am sure it does happen. It is for all of us to call out when we become aware of such abuse.

I hope in my blog posts over many years I have been consistent and explicit about that.


M.L.H. said...

You have been very clear, in all your writing, to condemn the abuse of power. How can we, as men with varying degrees of power, bring up this issue to our peers in a constructive way?

Pygar said...

Thank you M.L.H.

Yes I think that is the question for us. I have been reading comments in the media asking where are the men condemning how the system works.

When I was in a powerful position in the workplace, I hope never abused my position. Indeed I was careful of never having romantic or sexual relationships with any others in the workplace.

There was one job where there were lots of rumours about a colleague who was said to have had many relationships with junior colleagues. I had no direct knowledge of any particular relationships or any reason to expect that they were non-consensual but again rumour suggested that some junior female colleagues avoided being alone with him. Is there something I should have done about this I wonder?

The only other incident I can recall was a female colleague junior to me who started a relationship with a married female colleague junior to her. The upshot being that the married woman left her family for her. This made me feel very uncomfortable because of the power dynamic in the relationship though there was never the slightest suggestion that there was anything non-consensual about it.

I think it is right that where men who are in power who are not abusers they call out their colleagues who clearly are. Also perhaps men need to put their selves on the line more where they see female colleagues being abused by their superiors been though it could harm them too. Some solidarity from men might sometimes be difficult but I am sure would be welcomed.

Thank you for following up the issue in this way


DM said...

Pygar, I've been in consensual BDSM relationships, and non-consensual BDSM abuse. There is a difference. My first boss offered to drive me home from work after a car accident. Half way home, he turned down a desolate country road then gave me one option to keep my bookkeeping job. I chose to walk home. I also chose to call his wife. When my X became abusive, I said no to him as well. He got a year in prison, two years probation. Abuse is always wrong.

Pygar said...

"I also chose to call his wife."

- I love it Dani! Well done!!!

You describe two very different situations. Both are difficult to deal with in different ways. It is a measure of your strength and character that you managed to resolve each of them and come out stronger.

Yes, abuse is always wrong.

P xxxx