Thursday, 18 January 2018

playing a role...

I had a very interesting email from a reader a little while ago. She had been exploring online, discussing with Doms, enjoying a little online play and banter and discovering what she found comfortable, what was enjoyable and what turned her on.

She likes to have a mutually respectful and polite relationship with her online Dom friends. However she has discovered to her dismay that as soon as it turns into online play that their manner changes. From being polite and courteous they suddenly become quite debasing in their language and  demands. She wonders whether this harsher tone is necessary and whether all Doms resort to it to enforce their dominance. She clearly found it a turn-off.

She asked me whether it was possible for a Dom to maintain an element of his respectful views of a sub (women in particular) during role play, in spite of the power exchange. I think it is. Though I recognise many Doms may use this change in language and apparent attitude as a shorthand for exerting their dominance rather than building on the relationship they have started.

I wonder what others think. Is it necessary to use harsh and demeaning language - or can a kind Dom find more expressive ways of exerting his dominance?


Fondles said...

I too prefer the gentler quieter tones of a loving dom. BIKSS is (thankfully) good at this. Perhaps "Daddies" tend to be more coaxing-firm rather than harsh-severe.

Pygar said...

Yes, perhaps the Daddy baby girl dynamic is somewhat different.

I still feel though that Doms should be able to assert their authority without necessatily having to use demeaning language - though this can develop as part of it where both get off on it.

Thank you Fondles

P xx

Jz said...

While my experience is limited, I agree with you. That style may work for some people with some people... but it can also be completely the wrong approach, if not downright disastrous.

My mom used to say that the use of profanity merely indicated a lack of vocabulary.
This feels similar to me, in that if "demeaning" is your default setting, then you probably don't really know how to dominate, only how to break down - two decidedly different things.

My experience of being dominated left me feeling lifted up, never demeaned or debased. Vulnerable, shy, challenged, acquiescent, and balanced? Yes. Disrespected? No.

Pygar said...

Yes Jz. I think you are very right when you say that if "demeaning" is the default setting then that person has no true understanding of the role of the Dom.

I love it when you describe your positive feelings from your experiences of being dominated. I hope many sub readers are as fortunate.

Thank you for your thoughts.

P xxxx

Lea said...

There is a lot to be said for tone and demeanor; this is what makes me feel that my Sir is being dominant. He doesn't debase me or put me down, but his tone when he is being dominant is very different than our normal everyday conversation. I don't find it harsh. Quiet, but strong and determined.

However, since this person is playing online, it can be very difficult to convey that through words, assuming they're playing without video. This might be why an online dom is more harsh, and uses more belittling terminology. Maybe if they are doing video chat, it might help? Physical interaction is lacking there though. My Sir can say something in a harsher tone, but follow it up with the sweetest caress of my face. That is where those nuances lie, I believe.

Pygar said...

Yes, of course Lea. I think that is a very interesting point.

The whole dynamic is different online - and where it is through the written word rather than via video chat, etc. then especially so. Yes, there can often be misunderstandings with the written word where humour or irony is missed - and of course the authoritarian tone that can come in such a different way with the spoken voice and face to face.

Thank you for that.

P xx

neriche said...

Pygar, thank you for featuring my comment and inquiry as a blog post topic. The comments are terrific!

Fondles - you nailed it. The Daddy Dom/baby girl dynamic is one that I am actively looking to explore. It may be a gateway to other D/s dynamics, but for now it seems to fit me best.

JZ - through online interaction with one amazing Dom located on the opposite coast, I was fortunate to have a positive experience in a D/s dynamic -- my first experience. The idea of being called "my slut" was abhorrent to me. But his patience, guidance, and careful attention to my barriers helped me experience a taste of what you described, and what I hope to experience more of: "...vulnerable, shy, challenged, acquiescent, and balanced."

Lea - you are so right. Things get lost in translation when emailing, texting, kik-chatting, etc. Nuance is important to an evolving relationship or D/s dynamic, especially for a new submissive exploring.

Pygar -- your insight and tender consideration of all things BDSM is inspiring. You set such a good example for other Dominants. Thanks again!

Pygar said...

I am really pleased that you have found the replies so interesting neriche. That is really great.

Thank you for your kind words.


P xx