Monday 14 June 2010

avoiding abusive Doms

An online friend left her husband because she came to realise that she was not in a D/s relationship but in an abusive relationship. She said that reading this blog had helped her come to realise the truth. That gave me some concerns about the power of words written here over a glass of wine.

But things seemed to work out well. There were of course teething troubles but she had found her life again and relished it.

It was not long before she found another Dom and fell in love. It all seemed to be going fine until ...

Well - until it became apparent that her new Dom friend was not all he seemed. He was telling lies, had a number of subs who were all the "special one".

There were further complications from both these men of psychological control and abuse. It saens and angers me that there are men out there who pretend to be Doms but who are just manipulative abusers. A true Dom would recognise the precious gift of submission, cherish it and love and care for his sub.

But how does a sub distinguish the true Dom from the abuser? I know many who have struggled with this problem and been hurt. The trouble is that many "Doms" are not aware of the distinction between domination and abuse.


Tristan said...

We've talked about this before, here and elsewhere, but to me the indicator is clearly volatility.

In my world control is the one thing I work at never losing sight of. An abuser has no control and reacts with anger and uses the opportunity to vent his need physically.

When my floggers and sticks and ropes come out, there is never violence in the future, just well focused, results oriented choices.

So my point is: If he lunges over the dinner table and hits because the peas got over cooked, he might be an abuser. If he assigns a spanking later because the peas got over cooked, maybe he's a dom....

Pygar said...

Thanks Tristan - I do agree to a large extent but I think here I was trying explore a more general form of abuse rather than just physical.

The example I was giving was where the abuse was more through selfish control and manipulation. Physical abuse might have been part of it but my concern was about that psychological control that ignored the needs of the sub - indeed disregarded them.

- P

Anonymous said...

Hello, again, Pygar, good to see you back. With my wife the big question is where do I draw the line between forcing her to do what I want (since she has never agreed to be a sub or slave) and backing off when she wants me to back off. I will be writing more about this in a day or two, but your column got me to thinking about that fine line between play and abuse.

Pygar said...

Hi Neo Dom Tom. Thanks for your comment.

From my perspective though if your wife has ever agreed to be a sub or slave then forcing her to do what you want sounds like abuse.

I feel another post coming on ... !

- P

heelchain said...

I am just recently (6 weeks now) learning to become a Dom to my sub girlfriend. It is a challenge but I feel I do have the tendancies to be a good Dom for her. The other day my stubbornness got us lost walking in the city and we got into a very frustrating situation where we both became angry. Later when we got home she was disappointed that I did not punish her for being such a pain in the ass.

When I became truly angry I knew I could not physically spank her for fear that I did so out of anger and not love and perhaps triggering unacceptable behaviour on my part.

Later in bed we had a good session involving clothespins and my riding crop followed by caressing her to sleep. To me I was making up for my earlier stubbornness and her absence of punishment. I hope my path of avoiding Dominance out of true anger is the right one for both of us.


Anonymous said...

We too have been down this road before and like, I believe, Tristan said it is in choices. If he lunges over the table that is an angry response not likely a decision.

A dom acts in a methodical well thought out away and can explain his choices. An abuser will make excuses.

Pygar said...

Thank you heelchain. I believe you are right not to spank your sub when you are angry. I believe a Dom should always be in control of his emotions at this time - otherwise it has the potential to become abuse.

Perhaps also if your girlfriend believed she deserved a punishment then she should have pleaded for it ... !

It sounds though as if you made up with a fun session. I am very jealous!!!

- P

Pygar said...

Thank you Sir J.

I do agree as with Tristan's comment.

However I think I have worded my post badly. We have discussed the issue of physical abuse and it's difference from bdsm and D/s play on here before. I think though that this time I was more looking at the whole relationship angle - where a man may pretend to his woman that it is a caring D/s relationship when he actually has no concern for her needs - just his own desires. There may or may not be actual physical abuse in such a scenario.

If a Dom accepts the precious gift of submission but cares nothing for his sub or her needs - then is that too not a form of abuse?

- P

Rouac said...

This is something I've put some thought into in the past.

I think that in the same way that submission can be seen as a gift, domination can be seen a gift as well. It doesn't take much other than the ability to act without maturity to take advantage of someone, but I think it takes a great deal of control to guide someone in a direction you want them to go.

I think that's the difference, more than anything else. The abusive man isn't controlling his own desires and considering them in light of his partner, where the dominant man controls not only his partner's actions and so on, but also his own actions and reactions.

I could have worded that a little more carefully, but I think I got the basic idea of what I'm trying to say across.

Pygar said...

Thank you Rouac. I think you have worded it very well.

I think the importance of the dominant being in control of himself as well as his submissive has come up before on here and it is good to be reminded of it.

I do like your idea of domination being a gift as well as submission. Where it is administered with trust, love and care I believe you may well be right.

Thank you for your thoughtful words.

- P

Anonymous said...

Without a doubt what you describe is abuse as well. I think we are on the same page and have always been. Abuse is abuse whatever the form, mental abuse or abuse by neglect will carry with it a physical component for the sub. Just as physical abuse will carry an emotional component.

I have only argued in the past against abuse, defining it is like rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic. It still sank and however done abuse is repugnant.

Anonymous said...

as a newbie sub, I would appreciate any advice you could give as to how to avoid the abusers...especially when the starting point is meeting online?

Pygar said...

Thank you Anonymous. How does one avoid abusers - especially online?

I'm not sure but have written a few ideas on Uncle Agony here.

I hope others may add their suggestions there.

If you want to discuss this further feel free to email me.

- P

Unknown said...

I certainly see my Master's domination as a gift! Without His gift of Dominantion, I could not give my gift of submission. It's 2 sides of the same coin =)