Monday, 11 October 2010

sadism, masochism and sensuality - revisited

A little while ago I posted a discussion about this as a result of an interesting email I had received. I wrote about it here and also on Uncle Agony here. The comments are also relevant.

I have found this an interesting discussion and was pleased when S wrote at length in response as a blog post here. I wrote my response to S there as a comment.

I will summarise some of the issues here from my point of view but would urge you to read the full text on S's blog. She may see it from a very different perspective.

I think I am having difficulty with the distinction between sensuality and sexuality. When does a sensual pleasure become a sexual pleasure? I believe that some of the things S seeks I would describe as sensual pleasures. Yet she needs to ensure they are not sexual pleasures to maintain her commitment to someone very close to her. I know others who have struggled in this way.

So how can it be resolved?

Is S right - that she can have a close D/s and BDSM relationship without threatening her primary relationship as long as this new relationship is non-sexual? Am I right that such a relationship is as close as a sexual relationship?

Are we both right? Are we both wrong ...

... or perhaps somewhere in between!!!!

Do tell us what you think - either here or on Mind / Body / Spirit


Pygar said...

By chance Jz has already written some more of her own thoughts inspired by this here.

Jz said...

I can't even begin to tackle the distinction between sensuality and sexuality. I'm starting to think it varies from partner to partner, scene to scene, moment to moment. (Or that I'm seriously whacked...)

But I have been thinking about S's reasoning behind avoiding the sexuality. I can very much respect what she's going after with this approach. Like you, however, I struggle a bit with believing that this will maintain the distance she's hoping for. It's a case of "different strokes", I know this. But my own experience has been that it's not the sex that creates a bond that distracts from a primary relationship, it's the stuff that goes on inside the mind. A guy who can Dom me well gets right inside my head and stakes a claim and then I'm in a pickle!
However, YMMV, so I can certainly grasp that it doesn't work like that for everyone. And I have all the sympathy in the world for trying to walk that fine line of fulfilling your own needs while not treading on the toes of a loved one. Anything you can come up with to make that happen is probably fair game.

I think I'm rambling...
I'll go sit in that corner now...

Mind / Body / Spirit said...

Jz I found your post and your comment here very interesting. You and Pygar made similar points about different kinds of intimacy which were useful and have given me something to chew over.

I am finding it a useful discipline (heh) to have to articulate my thoughts and put them in writing. It's incredibly helpful to be challenged (in a good way) by those with the benefit of more experience than I have.

I am grateful to both of you for your sympathy and your insights.