Monday, 22 August 2011


My previous post discussed punishment and domestic discipline and asked questions of when this might be regarded as abuse.

A very interesting discussion followed - and thank you again to all who contributed. Sweet girl contributed the interesting suggestion that the difference between dd punishment and abuse was fear.

But can fear have a role in D/s? Certainly a sense of heightened anticipation can add greatly to a BDSM scene. Perhaps this can amount to genuine fear in certain circumstances. After some discussion of this Sweet girl made it clear that she meant fear of the person rather than fear of the act. I agreed with this. Surely BDSM is built on trust - and can one trust someone who one fears?

But others may feel that even fear of the person might be part of a scene.

Have you been frightened in a scene? Have you been frightened by a Dom? Are they experiences you might wish to repeat?


Anonymous said...

I like him to be the source and end of all my emotions. So that includes genuine fear as well. Its intense, but the positive feelings balance it out.

If that even makes sense.

Alice said...

For me, to be afraid of someone means I don't trust them. I don't trust them with my safety, my physical and mental well being, and I don't trust that they love me and care about me one tiny bit. So fear of the person punishing me, or playing with me, or even just having simple vanilla sex with me would not be something I ever want to experience. I want Chess to be that safe place for me to go when I am afraid, or overwhelmed, or sad, or remorseful... if I'm afraid of him I wouldn't be able to do that.

So, being afraid of Chess, being frightened by him, these are things I do not ever wish to experience. It would be detrimental to our relationship, big time.

Unknown said...

Hi P!
I'm gonna make yet another amendment *LOL*
In light of this post I have concluded that this can be narrowed down even further; fear of anger. Uncontrolled anger. Abusive anger.

I totally get how one can feel fear in a scene, after all that's what edge play is all about isn't it? But fear of the person? Just like Alice says, to fear a person means not having trust in them. I can't equate trust and fear. This is why I have difficulty understanding rapeplay and such, I just can't wrap my head around it (maybe with exception of gang rapeplay, although then I hope that there would be the one Dom there that you know and trust for safety's sake). So frightened in a scene, yes of course, new stuff and pushing boundaries is very likely to do that at times. Frightened by my Dom? No. (Although again as in the case of gang rapeplay, Being scared of other Doms I can imagine, again with the safety of your own Dom present).

Eh, me ramble? Never! *LOL*

Anonymous said...

I agree w Alice though, the idea of not being afraid at all sounds good to me, just haven't personally experienced it in D/s.

Pygar said...

Thank you K and Alice. I was really interested in the contrast between your experiences and views. However to me they did not seem totally contradictory. I was trying to find the words to express that when K replied again with similar thoughts.

Thank you K for replying so strongly expressing your acceptance of fear and to Alice for expressing your difficulties with that and need for trust and safety.

I think it sums up so well the different ways we all experience this world. Yes, there is a need to feel on the edge but also to feel safe.

I appreciate your contributions that have helped me think this through even further.

Thank you too Sweet Girl. You made me think enough to start this post now you have made me think again!

I know the combination of fear of anger that you describe must be too much. There is so much one can cope with in a scene - but if there is real anger and a sub is in fear as a result - then there is loss of control and loss of trust. Surely D/s is about keeping control and keeping trust.

Thank you so much for contributing again to this. You "ramble" quite eloquently!

P xx

Vesta said...

I have been frightened that I will be rejected/abandoned if I do something displeasing and frankly, I certainly won't miss that aspect of the emotion of fear. I not only find it destabilizing and upsetting but it puts into question a sense of trust which is just demoralizing, confusing and puts into question the health of the relationship.

That said, I enjoy a little fear. So long as I feel sure that the dominant person is rather enjoying making me feel fearful, it is sheer joy.

Anonymous said...

Have you been frightened in a scene? Yes.Have you been frightened by a Dom? Yes. Are they experiences you might wish to repeat? No!

After I had gotten scared during play, it just killed the play. But thats how it is for me. I have to feel secure and safe to be able to relax and let go. My man did scare me once. It made a rift in our relationship. Because my trust in him got a little bit broken. It took some time to mend it. Both were accidents produced by us being novices.
For me fear can't play at all. I couldn't even have a bit of fear for an activety we were to do, but then again I know I have strong issues with fear since I have been struggeling with anxiety. And for me and I hope he always will be, my man is a safe haven.

sarah said...

I trust my Master and mistress totaly.I fear Them in an equal amount. I need and enjoy the feeling of fear of the unknown,the state of helplesness it induces in me. They understand this and play upon it for all our benifits. Once total trust is reached on all sides nothing is off limits to me.


Anonymous said...

I didn't read the previous post so this maybe out of context but fear isn't always logical or rational. If, for instance, I had a verybnegative experience with knives but my Dominant wanted to introduce knives into a scene (and it wasn't a hard limit) then there is likely to be fear or unease. Not because I don't trust him but because I may carry over negative emotions of that particular play. Also I know a lot of Dominants that get off on the mental mind fuck (for lack of a better term). So I believe there is fear in Ds. I've also experienced fear when I know I've done something wrong but again it was not that in was afraid of my Dominant but that I was scared of his disappointment and hurt.

Fear can be very heathy and a great way to enhance or grow a relationship if done correctly.

Pygar said...

Thank you to you all for such thoughtful comments. I had hoped to reply by now but am going away tomorrrow for a week. A more thoughtful reply on my return - I promise.

P xxxx

nilla said...

Not so much 'fear' as a feeling of ...deep nervousness, perhaps....

and it happens every single time we do anal...i know its coming and i'm nervous of it, even though ---in the end (no pun intended...really!)--i really do enjoy it.

But true, all out fear?


not sure i could be in a relationship where fear was a part of it; to me it implies a lack of trust in my Master.


Stormy said...

Well my relationship is not play, it's 24/7 D/s and we don't have scenes, we just live out our roles. That said, yes there is a healthy "fear" which is more like awe and respect..and the knowledge that I can and will be punished for certain behaviors, attitude, etc. That fear is motivating to do my best and to follow his guidelines for me.

I trust him and do not fear him as a person, that he will harm me..and I do not fear his intentions. But yes my heart will race if I know I am in trouble or I'm about to get caught.

Pygar said...

Thank you nilla and Stormy. I think you both sum it up so well through your personal experiences. That "frisson" of fear in anticipation can be so lovely and part of what we all do - but real fear of the person would not allow us to enjoy this temporary fear.

Thank you all.

P xxxx

kiwigirliegirl said...

I agree with stormy its about the anticipation and fear of the punishment itself not the person. If i was scared of my hubby then we wouldnt be together. I dont fear him - i "fear" the consequences of my actions. I know its going to hurt.

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