Tuesday, 21 February 2012

the guilty Dom

A sub friend wrote recently in an email about a Dom who she met occasionally. He had guilt feelings about what they did together. There was something inside him that felt guilty about hurting her. He told her that he felt bad in doing something to her that deep down 'cannot be good for her'.

But then he showed little affection at the end of play. Was his guilt so strong that he could not show her kindness and affection? Surely that is part of the end of a session that a sub needs so that it does not become abuse.

I wonder if other Doms have had such pangs of guilt, feeling that deep down it must be harmful to the sub? Or have any subs recognised it in Doms they have played with?


Lady Xanax said...

This has been a big problem for me on and off ever since I started a D/s with my hussy. My blog has reams about it so I won't bore everyone too much. But I have struggled with guilt. I have dissected it and come to the conclusion that it was all part of reconciling myself with my alter ego. As we're in a LDR, there is a tendency for high expectations when we are together as we can be apart for several weeks. And I tend to put a lot of pressure on myself to "perform". But in my early days of Dommehood, I did have issues of seeming to inflict pain on someone I fell in love with. I actually turned away from the D/s side of us for a while until the "calling" became too strong and I put a toe back in the waters. By then I had settled my mind and as my hussy says, came back stronger.

Conversely, she has never had any issues with our D/s side. She embraced it easily and readily. She knew she was submissive and never thought she would have the genuine chance to fulfill her hidden side. I actually envied the ease of her acceptance and how she felt her true self when she was kneeling at my feet. Sometimes I would look down at her and think "what am I doing? why am I doing this?"

I could go on but I never forgot aftercare at any stage. And the biggest thing was to communicate with my hussy even when I was filled with doubt and wracked with guilt. She gave me the space to sort my head out for which I am ever grateful.

Reconciling my dominant side with what I do and also how it fits in with the real world around me has been a transition that I have had to go through. Occasionally it still niggles at me, but I have my hussy with me to let me know what we do isn't wrong. And there is now a certain peace within me when I shut the door on the world and just have my hussy at my feet, looking up at me with adoring eyes even if I have a hairbrush in my hand!

little said...

I have nothing to add but to say this topic fascinates me. Could it be that the cultural and societal
'norms' that play in a submissive girl's psyche...the little voice that says 'what the hell am I doing' as she begs him for more, harder, faster, more pain please Sir (or Mistress), could it be that those same mechanisms play on the conscience of even the most loving Dom/me?

Anonymous said...

My man never gives me any affection before OR after sex, but I don't think it's guilt for treating me badly. I think he's just a jackass. Aside from his jackassery, I have been compartmentalized into a "sex" box, and nothing that could be construed in any way as love is allowed in. And I think he's afraid that if, heaven forbid, he cuddled me for a few seconds afterwards I'd want to marry him or something.

aisha said...

It's an interesting question.

My ex-husband, who was a Dom, or maybe was a Dom ~ he got to a point that he was hurting me, not much warm up or aftercare, and i think he liked it. i think when he realized that, he felt guilty, and i think rather than deal with it with me, or deal with it with himself, well ~

he started drinking a lot and we ended up getting divorced because he was lost in alcohol and i wouldn't just live with that forever. And i don't know for sure that's what happened, because he would n't talk about it, but i have some reasons for thinking that.

i think it must be difficult to come to terms with the idea that you like hurting someone, particularly if you're isolated like we were and don't have a mentor or role models or ways to make sense of it.

Just my 2 cents...


Pygar said...

Thank you very much indeed Lady Xanax for your very open, honest and illuminating comment. It was quite fascinating. It provides a very good example too of how sub and Domme can each be there for each other to offer support. Doms can be fragile creatures too at times - well I know I can be! A loved and loving sub will give that support helping the relationship to continue to grow. Good luck to you both.

P xx

Pygar said...

I think littleOne that you did have something very worthwhile to add. You may well be right that similar mechanisms come into play. Thank you.

P xx

Pygar said...

Thanks too t1cklish. Are you happy though about being confined to that particular box? There seems more than a hint that you would like more ... ?

P xx

Pygar said...

I am so sorry aisha that things worked out as they did. I think as you say that isolation can be a problem when there is nowhere you can go to talk of such things. I feel that at least with the internet there are now so many more places one can go for help and support and to find empathetic and supportive online friends.

P xx

Anonymous said...

I'm fine with the sex-only status of the relationship. The thing that can be rather frustrating about it as Master does it is that there's no passion, when there should be, because I lust for him very much. But since my sex-only box is so very small, he won't show me any affection, so I get no caresses leading to sex, no kissing of non-sexual places, no warmth, and there's no heat for me because of this.

Pygar said...

Thanks t1klish.

But passion can be so special - it is powerful and can be very fulfilling.

You miss the warmth, the caresses, the affection, the heat of passion. As a Dom I would miss those things too.

Clearly your Dom is getting what he desires in the "sex box". But what are you getting from it t1klish?

P xx

nbs said...

My husband had dreadful guilt about being my dom.. to the point that he won't /can't do it any longer.
We tried kink friendly therapy and all that.. no use. He just feels awful when he hits me.. and darn, I like being hit!

So sad.
Other doms have had no problem with being kind and sadistic so I guess every one is different.

Pygar said...

I am sorry nancy that D/s has not worked out for you and your husband. There are many men who cannot hit the one they love for exactly the same reasons that your husband describes. At least he has tried for you even as far as going with you to kink friendly therapy. I hope there are other areas of kink that you can still explore and enjoy together.

P xx