Thursday, 24 April 2014

double lives

There was a recent comment to an Uncle Agony post by Anonymous which you can read here. I've written a short post related to it on Uncle Agony here.

It got me thinking though about how people with strong and undeniable feelings of submission and dominance and are able to cope. I was recently in correspondence with a sub on Fetlife. Her husband had tried to dominate her but it just didn't work out. He just wasn't cut out for it. However he could see that she needed her submissive desires fulfilling. He gave her permission to search for a Dom and to submit to him as long as there was no penetrative sex. It is still early days but so far is working out well. However, there will no doubt be difficulties to overcome.

Few husbands, or wives, are likely to be this understanding and accommodating. If the needs are overwhelming then the only other ways forward seem to be separation - or having a secret affair. Anonymous, in the comment mentioned, describes herself as being married with three kids and living a double life. Her advice to other married women is, "if you test the water be prepared to swim."

I wondered how others may have resolved this problem in their own lives. If you too have tested the water - did you sink or swim?


tori said...

The flip side of the coin

Before i met my Master, my previous dom was married, although the relationship ended due to incompatibility, the fact that he was married was an issue.

I would like to make it clear im not making any judgements, i follow blogs of people in similar situations, and really its not my place to judge.

I couldnt handle being a bit on the side, not emotionally, and yes i felt guilt, he was married, 3 children and i started questioning my own morals, asking how i would feel if it was done to me.

I have also been married, 2 children, and my marriage ended albeit for other reasons, a main one was this need i had to explore submission, it was not a decision made lightly.

But it was the right decision for me, i couldnt live a lie, it was unfair to my ex and to me, and im fortunate that it turned out to be one of the best decisions i have made, albeit one if not the hardest.

These are difficult situations, but im inclined to think that sooner or later someone is going to get hurt...and usually its the innocent ones.

Pygar said...

Thank you very much tori. You present both sides of the relationship very articulately. Yes - it must be hard to be "the other woman" as it were. But then when things do break up as you say it is usually the "innocent ones" who get hurt. Though I wonder if "innocence" and "guilt" are the best adjectives. These situations are always very complex.

Thank you for pointing out some of these complexities to us.

Good luck

P xx

little said...

I was in, and am in the same situation as anonymous has described. In my case it didn't work. My partner / husband is neither Dom nor emotionally secure enough to allow me to be with Sir in a D/s relationship (even though he gave his permission to start with). I have been forced into a double life..into the shadows.

You do what you have to do.

Pygar said...

Thank you for sharing, little. I am sorry it is proving so hard but hope that you can find some fulfilment in your current solutions.

Best wishes

P xx

Anonymous said...

Thank you Pygar for posting this. I am the anonymous of reference, I do understand the innocents that potentially will get hurt but they would hurt if I left to pursue this as well. And since we are both married - He happily, I feel slightly trapped and so as little, I too live in the shadows. Thx

Pygar said...

You are welcome Anonymous.

Good luck

P xx

Desireous said...

Off topic here but I just wanted to let you know I nominated you for the Liester Blog Awards Come see my page for details. xoxo

Anonymous said...

Well I have tested these waters, and most recently so. I wouldn't advice it on anyone that truely loves their spouse, mainly cause you have to drag too much guilt and even shame, along with your need to submmit or Dominate. A friend of mine told me: BDSM is supposed to set you free, not make you a prisoner. Cheating on your spouse, I have found, makes you a prisoner in the worst posible way... Of course, when said spouse is well aware of what's going on, it's not cheating, then it might be different, I can't know, for it wasn't my experience.