Thursday, 23 June 2016


When I started writing the Beau blog many years ago I used the strapline "a hopeless romantic". Following a long discussion with a reader I changed it to "a hopeful romantic". I wonder if I am still a romantic or whether I am growing cynical as the years pass.

I am in the middle of a conversation at the moment with a submissive woman who described to me how she had become hopelessly infatuated with her top. Sadly it was unrequited as she (her top) had a separate romantic partner. However, they remained good friends and play partners. She wondered how often it was the case that bottoms developed such strong feelings for their top.

I wrote back with the following thoughts,
Bottoming, submitting, giving yourself for another's use is a very intimate activity. It involves huge levels of trust. Where one's trust is respected and paid back so that you feel safe and cared for as well as used then one surely cannot help a bond forming. This would be magnified hugely if it became regular play. How could one not become close to one's top? I wonder how one could not feel strong emotions for them following such play. Perhaps the stronger the play - the stronger the emotion. And when aftercare is given then this must feel very loving.

So perhaps your unrequited crush is more common than we realise!
She wrote back agreeing with what I had said but still felt that a romantic attachment was something different. She is happy to share her top's body but wants her heart all to herself.

I've been thinking this through for over a week now - she must think I have forgotten her. I suppose part of me is reflecting on the nature of this romantic love, that is desperate for the heart of another in a way that is perhaps even stronger than the bond formed by total submission.

So help me out romantics. How do I respond to her?


Jz said...

I keep circling back to this, hoping that I’ll find the words to articulate my feelings… but as we know, I suck at emotions and it’s all remaining slippery and nebulous.

But I agree with you - I don’t know how people don’t fall for their tops.
I also don’t understand people who are happy to share their loved ones bodies, as long as they have their hearts. (I’m not judging it, I just can’t comprehend that level of… what? Generosity? Tolerance? Confidence? Disinterest? Whatever it is, I don’t have it.)

Which also means I can’t discern the distinctions your friend makes that distinguish her romantic attachment from your description of a loving bond.

So, really, Pygar, I’ve ended up just as confused as you! ;-p
But it was an interesting ponder…

Pygar said...

Thanks for coming back to this having circled around it for a while Jz. I'm pleased you have enjoyed your ponder!

Whilst you cannot divorce the heart from the body when it comes to having and sharing I think there are those who can. Perhaps if the strength of the emotional (romantic?) attachment is powerful enough then one can be happy to share physical play and fun with others. For others though it is the opposite and the strength of the emotional attachment is such that it would make any thought of sharing impossible.

I think though my problem is in differentiating between that strong emotional attachment a sub feels for her top from a romantic attachment. I sense you see it as the same thing whereas my friend clearly sees them as being very separate.

Thanks for commenting. Great to see you here again.


LL said...

As the besotted submissive in question, thanks first of all for your comments on my love-struck musings!

Sometimes I wonder myself how/why I separate romantic attachment. I think it's because there are tops I play with that are just play partners. They're like my bdsm equivalent of a fuck buddy. No super deep feelings, but intense play nonetheless, a personal connection beyond the play room and yes, also attraction. And then there's the tops who I can't help but adore because they're the kind of person I could possibly at some point envision spending many years - if not the rest of my life - with. Someone I want to give myself to completely, perhaps even grow old with. And I would be romantically interested in people who fall into this category regardless of whether they are kinky or not.

So maybe that's why I differentiate between tops that I share an intimate play relationship with, and tops where it goes much deeper because I am simply attracted to them romantically on top of the attraction I feel for them as my top. If that makes sense... Also bdsm, while it is a huge part of my life, is not something I live 24-7 so maybe that makes a difference too.

The woman I'm so in love with is married to her own #1 lady which means I could never have what I want from her, despite her being polyamorous. I want her to feel as deeply for me as I do for her, and in the same (romantic) way but it's never going to happen because she has that with her wife already. And even though I am happy for her that she found the one, it makes me very sad that she can't be that for me. That said I am very happy her wife is so generous in sharing her haha. But's like having a delicious brownie dangled in front of me that I am allowed to lick and smell but never bite into. Oh woe...

Pygar said...

Thank you very much LL for your lovely comment. It explains very clearly how you separate that different between intense emotion through play and a true and close romantic attachment. I remember myself, as I suppose almost all of us do, that bitter/sweet, delicious yet so full of sadness depth of feeling for someone when one knows it can never come to fruition. Perhaps that knowledge it is so unlikely to work is part of the romance?

I hope you find happiness too.

Kind regards

P xx