Thursday, 29 September 2016

how to please a sadist... ?

I recently had a new comment to an old post about sadism. You can read the thread here.

In the comment Anonymous asked, "Is there any advice on how to please Master when He isn't hurting me?"

There will be lots of ways sumissives find to please their Master. Perhaps any or all of these would suffice. However I wonder if readers have any specific suggestions for ways a masochist could please her sadistic Master...


Tamar said...

"In the comment Anonymous asked, "Is there any advice on how to please Master when He isn't hurting me?"

This is tough, really. On the one hand, that one question, asked anonymously is a little concerning taken without any context given, maybe even a little bit disturbing and I say that as someone who's in a relationship with a sadist, and have been for many years now and I can say full well that just because he's a sadist, doesn't mean he's only happy when he's hurting someone. I think if that were the case, I'd have to suspect the need for serious psychotherapy.

I guess the first thing, the most basic and best advice would be "Ask". There's no way to be a mind reader, and guessing at what would please another person is inefficient at best. So- ask them what they would find pleasing, communicate, discuss- openly and honestly and often to get to know them better and find ways to interact that are mutually gratifying.

Yet there's something about the way that question was asked that makes me concerned that this relationship might be more one-sided, maybe too one-sided and that person is perhaps afraid to speak to their partner/master and that is why they instead feel compelled to ask anonymously in a blog comments section. Perhaps they're too intimidated to broach the subject with their partner, or perhaps they've already made the attempt and been rebuffed. There's no way to know without any context.

Someone who identifies as a sadist, and/or a master- is still a person, and hopefully a well-balanced person capable of having friends, family, hobbies, work outside of just kink and sex. And the best way to get to know what that person likes, what would please them- is to talk to them. Open lines of communication have to be established, honest, fearless discussions have to occur to really build a connection with someone and to allow for trust to take root and grow.

Now, saying all of that- again, without context it's entirely possible that this person is perhaps just casual play partners with this sadist/master in question. Perhaps only online. Perhaps only one of many other casual partners. In which case, the sadist/master may not have any interest/need to form any sort of connection and trust may not be something they are concerned about. There's a spectrum of intimacy- and we have no way of knowing where this particular person thinks they are on that spectrum with their partner, and even trickier still, we have no way of knowing where their partner considers them to be either- the two things might be at odds, which could explain the lack of/unwillingness to open up lines of communication.

So many unknown variables. And yet- for all of them, the answer is still the same, "Ask". Ask your partner what they would find pleasing. Then ask yourself if you would also find those things pleasing as well. And if you find yourself rebuffed or unable to open any lines of communication with your partner, then ask yourself the all-important question, "Why am I wasting valuable time and energy on someone who doesn't care about me?"

Pygar said...

Thank you Tamar for this very thoughtful, knowledgeable and supportive advice. You raise lots of interesting points. I hope that Anonymous may read your comment.

P xx

SwitchingFun said...

An interesting question from Anonymous.

Since she and her Master are beginner, I would suggest they talk to each other on their expectations from each other. It's the Master's job to lead the talk anyway. And he then can set clear rules from how the power exchange would go, dressing styles, behavior during or out of the scene, etc. These would be the basic play ground for both of them and eliminate half of her future questions. As for the rest, the Master can set additional rules along the way as the need arises. If her Master is an introvert and/or a relax type of person, she can ask him as per Tamar's suggestion. By following her Master's rules, she pleases him for sure.

Additional to the S&M relationship, not yet live together but potentially will in the future, I assumed both are regular play partner. If they're dating, even a sadist would jump up to the moon from hearty care, support, and comfort provided by his sub. A sadist is a human still anyway. So she can bake him cookies or cook him something he likes, be there cheering for him when he is down, pay attention and anticipate his needs, etc like any lover-sub would do.

I'd like to share one more thing, that a novice sadist who involves in breath play, fire play, knife/needle play, and any other Risk Aware catagory plays is normally have an experience sadist as mentor for questions, support, and guidance especially for risks and safety. Or whenever applicable, she and her Master can join local BDSM group/community where information and support are available. If personal security is a concern, perhaps they can join BDSM community online.

Lastly, my best of luck and wishes to Anonymous on her journey in M/s love relationship with her Master.

Pygar said...

Thanks SwitchingFun for yet more excellent advice.

In particular I would recommend to everyone your thoughts about involvement in "breath play, fire play, knife/needle play, and any other Risk Aware categories".

P xx