Friday, 23 June 2017

coming out

Are you out to friends and relatives about your BDSM relationship? Few are I think. Despite the new popularity of BDSM themed novels and films the BDSM scene is seen as rather strange and scary to many in society. Indeed many will find it distasteful and immoral. Issues of feminism, human rights and abuse can soon come to the fore.

So we tend to keep it quiet in the main other than with friends in the scene.

Lea wrote a little while ago on her blog about coming out to a friend who she thought would understand. Someone she hoped she could talk to freely and honestly about this important part of her life and relationship with the person she was closest to. Sadly that friend was unhappy about it. She saw it as something unhealthy, to be cured. You can read Lea's blog post here. One of her commenters had a similar experience which destroyed a friendship.

Inès and I once came out to a younger, broad minded friend. She too though could not understand it and misunderstood the nature of out activity even though she knew us well. Fortunately it has not affected our friendship.

I wonder if others have had similarly negative responses - or do you just keep it quiet just in case?


Jz said...

I'm out to three disparate friends in real life.
I won't say they didn't blink an eyelash, but they didn't do much more than that.
Got a blink, an, "oh really?" from each one of them and then we went on along our merry friendship way.

(But it's entirely possible that my friends know me well enough not to be too surprised by anything I get up to!)

Pygar said...

Thanks Jz. That is very interesting that three friends separately seem to be very relaxed about the idea.

I wonder too what your motivation was for coming out to them? Would you like a society where you could be out to everyone?

P xx

Jz said...

Well, I do have some truly exceptional people as friends (I refuse to consider that bragging, because I’m lauding them, not me!) so they get all the credit here.

As to my motivation, there wasn’t any - other than honesty. In each case, we were discussing other topics, but there was a need to clarify the context in which my thoughts were framed.

Could I have fudged around the fact? - yes.
I am an artful dissembler and could easily have punted around the issue. But people (particularly friends) know when you’re blowing smoke… and there wasn’t sufficient reason to do that in these cases. It’s really not that big of a deal to me that they know, and I trust all of them not to bandy it about idly.

So, no motivation. Yes, I would certainly like a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to just be who you are. But do I want to be out to everyone? No… because it’s none of everyones business - any more than it’s any of mine what others do.

(Well, I say I would like that society but such a utopia, of course, is problematic, as I do object to letting murderers, child abusers and exploitative rat-bastards run around being who they are. So there’s all that grand posturing gone to hell in a hand basket. :-D)

ancilla_ksst said...

I don't talk to anyone about it who I don't know is kinky already. I came out to one friend, because I suspected that she was kinky also, and she was, so that went well. She knew enough not to spread it around to all our other friends. We ended up going to a party with her and her boyfriend/submissive.

Pygar said...

@Jz - That's great to have "some truly exceptional people as friends". You are fortunate - but perhaps it is some credit to you that these people have you as one of their friends. It is an indication of the closeness of your friendships that you felt at ease in opening up to them about this issue.

I understand your views about the kind of society and whether one would want to open up and think they are probably pretty close to my own so thanks for sharing.

P xx

Pygar said...

@ ancilla_ksst It is great when one discovers that a friend may share the same kinks. I'm pleased that worked out so well and you felt comfortable in going to a party together. I hope that turned out to be fun!


P xx

DM said...

Pygar no one understands me on a good day let alone where the lifestyle is concerned. I was outed by my X very salatiously and publicly. My true friend and family accept who I am. The rest weren't worth my time anyway!

Pygar said...

Hi Dani, being outed in such a fashion is a whole different matter. It is being used as a weapon and that is always bad. There is a big difference between outing oneself and being outed by another - especially in your own circumstances.

I wonder if other readers have experienced this very difficult event?

P xxxx

Lea said...

I have some friends who are accepting, even if they don't understand, but all of my friends "pre-kink".... none of them really get it, even if they are nice about it.

One of the reasons why I want to be more of an advocate for myself and this lifestyle is so that it cannot be used as a weapon. I have a prominent public-sector job in a very conservative area, and I don't know if I want to imagine the consequences. This is generally why I tend to be selective (and usually disappointed) when coming out to others.

Pygar said...

Thank you Lea for stimulating my post and for adding your own comment to it. Yes it would be great if we can get to the stage where it cannot be used 'as a weapon'. However those in public service jobs especially, like yourself, must feel particularly at risk of being outed.

It is interesting in such circumstances that you have been able to share with some friends. Perhaps at least 'accepting' is part of the way to getting it.

Good luck

P xx