Sunday, 18 March 2018


In a previous post a little while ago about humiliation Jz wrote here that while humiliation just didn't work for her in a scene, "vulnerability works ever-so well!"

That got me thinking about vulnerability. I'm not sure I have completed my thoughts on it so perhaps readers can help me with their own thoughts.

From a Dominants point of view a sense of vulnerability in a partner can be very attractive. Perhaps it is just the fact that they have trusted you so deeply as to put themselves in that situation in relation to you. It somehow seems to imply a strong emotional bond. I suppose any one to one bondage play provides this situation. However there can be something just in demeanour at any time that can give this impression of vulnerability and I can't quite put my finger on it.

Though in a wider sense it can be a problem. Where someone is described as 'vulnerable' it may be that we are worried about them - that perhaps they are in danger of being take advantage of or even abused. Perhaps it is this danger in being vulnerable that gives it its power when placed in a context of trust and perceived safety. Or to truly be 'vulnerable', does there have to be a slight fear that things might not go exactly as one planned or hoped?

How does it feel though to be vulnerable. What is the attraction for Jz and others who can delight in its frisson? What does it feel like? Can it turn from a positive feeling to a negative one? How does one keep the positive feeling and avoid the negative one? It is important for a Dom to have some awareness of this. It is clearly important that a delightful sense of vulnerability in a scene does not suddenly turn into fear and distress.

Any thoughts?


EsMay said...

I just found your blog, I hope to do some looking around soon. For the Duke and I, my husband, vulnerability is a very special thing. My life has a lot of personal stress, and I have had to learn to be strong, to not let things that hurt me penetrate my shell too much. I have to be on guard, and always ready to try to brush off things people do to hurt me, especially the intentional hurts. I get exhausted by this at times, and need a place to escape.

With the Duke, I don't have to be on guard. I can come to him with my tears, with my overwhelming joys, with my heart aches, and he's there, through it all. My safe place. With him, there is never any judgement. I might do things wrong that he needs to correct, but when it comes to me as a person, I am fully loved, unconditionally, for who I am. It has been an embarrassing ride as I admitted to him my need for DD, D/s, some BDSM, and then the day we found out that I act like a little girl sometimes when over whelmed or over excited, but only with him. He has given me the freedom to voice all this, and he's held me and cherished every part. He never thinks I'm a freak. And when I'm overwhelmed, he knows the things that make me feel cherished, vulnerable, and open. He knows how to remind me I'm safe. I can be myself as much with him as I can be when I'm alone.

I am not sure how to explain what vulnerability feels like to me. It's a feeling, in my chest, this almost happy nervous feeling, knowing I'm owned, I'm completely his, I'm protected, I'm safe. I can hide nothing in that moment, I'm utterly exposed, the Duke sees right to the heart of who I am. Even fully clothed this is a heady feeling. All the good, all the nitty gritty bad, he knows it all. There is no secrets, no pretending, I'm just me, and it is sometimes overwhelming. And in that moment, I'm aware more than ever that he can ask me anything, he can demand anything from me, and I'll do it. It might be hard, but he'll never do anything to humiliate me, or harm me. He might test my limits, try to push them a bit further than ever before, but he'll be right there, holding my hand, encouraging me through it, if he does, reminding me of how much I can trust him, and give myself to him. And my heart sings, and my body comes alive, and I'm me, with no screens to hide behind. I didn't realize how much I have to pretend with so many people to keep them happy until I didn't have to pretend with him.

You asked about fear, and yes, that can create a vulnerability, but for me, fear and vulnerability are two different things. There may be anticipation an uncertainty of how we'll feel when trying something new, there may be excitement in being vulnerable, but true vulnerability I feel can only come when we trust. If we fear, we still are in defence mode, even if just a little bit. We still have a will to be somewhere else and not in the moment. In true vulnerability, I want to be no where else. I want to sink in the feeling of being so exposed. I am not sure I am saying all this well, sorry if I am not.

On the whole, I do not feel I am a vulnerable person. I have seen many hardships that tried to break my spirit, and am on the other side of them, but to the Duke, I am vulnerable. He has the power to hurt me, to destroy me, if he ever wished. One judgement, I'd hurt to my core. One time I thought he was giving me a judgement, and I almost couldn't breathe. Again, not judgement of me needing to correct something or the like, but a judgement on who I am as a person. If I didn't measure up somehow, if he found me lacking, if he found some part of me disgusting, if he wished I was like someone else instead, those would cut to the quick because I have left myself to exposed to him, I would feel utterly betrayed. I have no walls built up with him, and so he'd be able to do a lot of damage with very little effort if he ever so chose.

abby said...

OK..I wish I had gotten here before EsMay did....she gets an A+. When I first met M, I had slammed closed the door on vulnerability ....I had always been somewhat guarded as far as my feelings went...and even that had not gone well. Slowly, very slowly, I or we worked my way towards being more open...more vulnerable. Luckily I had found a patient and stubborn man...He does not give up, but he is willing to take things one step at a time. To me, vulnerability and fear are two different things. In order to be vulnerable, I had to feel absolutely safe. Being vulnerable feels like being open and free of restraints, free of having to be careful about what you say and be totally ...or as open as another person. Like EsMay above, the first person I was able to start down the road to vulnerability with was Master.
For me, it has helped me be able to explore new adventures, new experiences. I guess being vulnerable is really..letting your guard down....not needing to be guarded. It is freeing...hugs abby

EsMay said...

abby, yes, :) :) free of having to be careful about what you say and do. Love how you said that. So true. :)

neriche said...

It's interesting that Abby and EsMay both defined vulnerability in a positive way. Whereas in general conversation it carries a negative connotation: she seemed vulnerable...he felt vulnerable...I am vulnerable. But in the context of a D/s dynamic, "vulnerability" took on an entirely different, and mutually understood, meaning. Very cool.

Pygar said...

What a fascinating discussion!

Thank you very, very much EsMay for your very open, personal and enlightening description of what vulnerability means to you. In your public life you are not a vulnerable person, you need to be strong and tough. So it is so freeing and relaxing to be able to become vulnerable knowing you are in a safe place and being cared for. Perhaps that is the same for others. You describe very articulately and movingly how well a D/s relationship can work in a supportive way.

Thank you too to abby and neriche. It is interesting abby to read how learning to accept vulnerability was a journey where you had to work hard to explore your vulnerable side. It is great to hear how "freeing" you find it.

I agree neriche how "vulnerability" takes on a very different tone in a D/s context. As you say, "very cool"!

Thank you all again. I'm not sure it could be better explained and also gives a good insight into D/s relationships working well.

P xx

EsMay said...

Thank you, Pygar. Would it be alright to put a link on my blog in a post to this post? I'm thinking of writing my thoughts and feelings on vulnerability sometime next week, since this post has had me thinking on it the past several days. No worries if you'd rather I not link it. :) EsMay