Sunday, 15 April 2018

the inquisitiveness of the vanilla world

In an earlier post I talked of some questions from the vanilla world. There was a part of the thread of comments that wondered if the original correspondent who had many questions secretly desired to experience the world of BDSM.

However Jz in her comment here wrote:
I actually have been peppered with questions by more than one of my friends who aren't kinky but aren't afraid to ask why I am... which is why I did, I'll admit, get a bit twitchy at the assumptions that Anon's curiosity must be based in a secret desire to try it. That may often be the case but it is not invariably so. Some people are naturally of a curious bent. (As one friend said, "We aren't nosey, just interested!")

Which got me wondering about the interest of the vanilla world about the world of Kink and BDSM.

I am sure there are some who are curious because they wonder if there might be aspects that they would enjoy. Much of the edge of BDSM and kink is finding its way into popular fantasy through the Fifty Shades of Grey phenomenon. Perhaps some people's sexual interest has been piqued. I think also for some BDSM is a fantasy but may always remain just that.

There will be others though like the correspondent and Jz's friends who have no interest in partaking but are fascinated completely because of the fact that they just don't get it. Their interest is not because they think they might like it but exactly the opposite - they can't understand why anyone would like it! A friend watched the Lars Von Trier film Nymphomaniac and thought that the masochistic beating scene was what typically happened in a BDSM relationship so we were keen to disabuse her of that mistake! There may be many other misunderstandings - or just a complete incomprehension of the psychology and emotional aspects of it.

Or perhaps there is a continuum between those who are secretly interested and those who are horrified by the thought of it.

Have you ever discussed it with vanilla friends? Where did they fit onto this spectrum?


willie said...

I am so thankful for you posting Jz's perspective. I have ( at least in the print world) very much subscribed to the mindset, " where there is smoke there is fire" ,most likely because as it turns out in my case this was very much true. I instantaniously remembered a converstion between a friend of mine and myself. Through discussion she had discovered I was in a D/s relationship. She began to ask quiet questions with the open mindedness of a person who knew a surface level ideal of D/s beyond the bedroom. Her questions were not particularily unique but due to the nature of our relationship I also knew they were not as surface level as they appeared if I chose to go deeper. She was not gaining knowledge to understand herself better, which is most likely what I would have done given the opportunity so many years ago, but rather to actually understand the concept. Of course she could only understand the concept based on the information given to her based on mine and B's dynamic. That being said, her questions and further comments on the matter helped me grow in my submission and consequently our dynamic.

I guess I have always been 'where there is smoke there is fire' type person because that is my reality. I am SLOWLY learning that my reality isn't ALWAYS reality! (Which sort of sucks..LOL)


Pygar said...

Thank you willie for sharing that very interesting conversation. It sounds as if you have a very good and supportive friend. Also you have come up with another reason one might ask such questions - not through inquisitiveness but to give support.

P xx

neriche said...

Excellent post topic, as always. Though I'm still fairly new to kink and taking it slow, I came to it because 40 years of vanilla just wasn't getting it done... Some researching about relationships led me to learning more about BDSM. Now this is where I feel most at home, and where I know my path will remain. But it does make it difficult to commiserate about dating woes with my girlfriends...instead of pontificating about his kinks not matching up with mine, or misaligned power dynamics, or consent concerns, I find clever ways to generalize about "how its going" when asked by vanilla pals.

A couple months ago I took the plunge and shared my D/s proclivities with a friend. I spent two hours trying to explain it, and sounded -- even to my ears -- increasingly strange. Sadly, after that and a few subsequent conversations to educate her, she seems genuinely incapable of understanding. It's devolved into awkwardness and now we don't talk about it at all. But this is also a person who speaks to her long distance boyfriend once a week and shares very little intimacy, per her account.

Perhaps she doesn't get it because at the heart of BDSM is open, clear communication and consent (well, ideally). And if that's not something a person values in their vanilla relationships, how could they appreciate a more pronounced version of it, be it kink or any other context?

Pygar said...

Thank you Neriche. The response of your friend when you opened up with her is very interesting and illuminating. I think there are many who, like your friend, just don't get it. As you say, "she seems genuinely incapable of understanding."

It is a shame that has devolved into an awkwardness. There may be something in what you say about the openness of the BDSM world which I also find and enjoy. I too have come across that puzzlement and lack of understanding - and perhaps a hint of judgement - from some in the vanilla world so that I am now much more cautious about sharing.

P xx