Sunday, 22 April 2018


This post is triggered by radio segment I was listening to recently. There was a discussion of domestic abuse and when and how to intervene.

If a friend or a work colleague had a black eye one would be concerned and ask how they got it. The "walked into a door" answer may well be true but can sometimes cause suspicion. A sympathetic response is all that may be needed. However if facial bruising starts to occur with increasing frequency then one may feel a need to offer greater support - just the person knowing you are there to listen if necessary, perhaps, or maybe a more questioning response expressing concern and offering advice and/or support.

Within many domestic abuse cases the, abuse if not actually consensual, is recognised as part of a relationship which they need or value. One cannot make the person seek help or leave the relationship. Offers of support may often be rejected.

But what if the marks are not on the face but elsewhere on the body. Most often they would not be noticed. Regular bruising to the buttocks would only be noticed in a more intimate relationship. Yet these bruises may be nothing to worry about but part of a loving BDSM or D/s relationship. We have heard from subs who enjoy being marked or bruised to show off  their submission. So we would presumably regard that as being ok.

In an earlier post I discussed a woman who'd had significant cosmetic surgery as part of her BDSM relationship. This was I assume completely consensual at the time. However in the comments the discussion tended to take the view that this was not acceptable.

Which gets me to my question - "when..."

When should one be concerned? When should one start to express such concern? All these cases have a large element of consent though may not be enjoyed at the time. Even scenes in BDSM relationships may not be 'enjoyed' at the time. So is that then all ok? Some are clearly unacceptable and wrong. Surely there comes a time when one is concerned, worried and wondering how best to offer support. Or are we just then being nosy and interfering?

When should we risk the rejection of a friend or colleague and express serious concern?

And how should one go about it?


Princess said...

Interfering and voicing objection seldom is welcomed. Even when asked for an opinion, if one offers up what the inquirer really doesn't wish to hear...well...ummm...they might not talk with you again.

I bite my tongue and realize to each his/her own, on a personal level. I might speak on generalities but I don't offer my opinion to those I know.
They do not want it.

Pygar said...

Thank you Princess.

It is a shame that your opinions are not wanted by those who you know. They might learn a lot if they did.

You are right that many (most?) people are not open minded enough and self confident enough to take on board critical views when well intentioned. Though it is understandable that it can be seen as "interfering". So how to help a friend who one can see is putting themselves in harms way? Is there no answer?

P xx