controlling or being controlled ...

Lauren posted a question here to an earlier post about submission, pain and masochism. I have published it on Uncle Agony here in the hope that readers may have some thoughts.

next post ...

... is coming soon.

I got diverted a bit by replying to questions from libby and Des. You can read my replies to their questions on Beau's blog here.

Awards ...

It must be the award season again. I have just received an email from libby. In it she has let me know that she nominated me for a blog award here. Thank you libby. I am honoured and you are too kind.

By chance I have discovered that a very long standing blogger friend, Desireous, recently also nominated me for the same award here.

It is not the first time I have been nominated for this. I wrote previously about it here.

Alas, as with all good things - they seem to come with duties and responsibilities. It seems I have some questions to answer and other tasks. I think I will pass these over to my alter ego Beau where you can read all about it. Thank you very much libby and Des.

(Questions now answered on Beau's blog here.)

physical

In my previous post I discussed the relationship between the physical and psychological or emotional aspects of bdsm. There was unanimity from commenters that the psychological came to the fore. That however much one may crave the sexual or other physical aspects, in the end it was the psychological and emotional aspect that won out. They were what made the physical possible, they were what made the physical work so well.

Beau had published a link to Domina Kat's recent post confession. In it she writes very powerfully of her physical needs. So I thought I might use that as an example of real physical need as opposed to psychological. However on re-reading it the psychological element does come out from it. And Kat herself wrote in a comment, "The emotional/mental is what leads the way in our relationship."

nbs joined in the comments to the last post to point out that however much she may have recently changed and become more masochistic that did not imply that the psychological need was not at the core of her relationship. 

I suppose all needs must have a psychological element. The very word 'need' has a psychological power to it.

However surely some needs just are deep physical needs. I wonder if we may be frightened of owning up to them. Is it too dangerous to give ourselves up to our animal instincts? Surely some of what we do is to explore this aspect of ourselves ... to explore those animal needs.

No?

psychological and emotional... or just physical?

I was talking with someone last week who said he had been into masochism and now was into sadism and masochism. However he wasn't into submission or dominance. That side didn't interest him - it was purely the physical aspect that he was there for.  The same evening someone else said to me in relation to D/s and BDSM, "It's all just about sex, isn't it?"

On the post below nbs commented, "... I've found myself much less submissive and more masochistic." So is she too finding she is mostly into the physical aspect?

So how important is the physical aspect to you? If you had to chose between the psychological relationship or the physical one, which would you chose?

is dominance a rarity?

Is true dominance a rarity? I often get emails or comments from subs asking how they can turn their partner into a dominant or how they go about finding a Dom. In the past I have put this down to just the problem of meeting up with the right person in the same way that a Dom may be looking for a sub. Is it perhaps the case though that "true dominance" in reality is a rare quality? In a recent comment to an earlier post Lauren wrote, "but I haven't yet spoke to a true Dominant Person, all the so called 'Dominants' I've had, I've had to teach them how to be dominant."

I have had times where I have found it hard finding a submissive partner. Is it harder finding a Dom? Are they really so rare?

scared

A new comment was added recently to an old post here. In it Lauren wrote,

"I purposely try to be bad in order to get punished... my ultimate goal in this is that I'm so scared to disobey him that I obey him.... I want to be scared, it turns me on... Is that submissive or weird?
I also am masochistic..."

I wonder if others like to be scared? Does it turn you on? Do you have to provoke your Master to get him to scare you or do you have someone sadistic enough?

As a Dom I don't really want to scare my sub. I would not want her to be frightened of me. A little nervous anticipation though ... !

Is fear part of the dynamic for some couple? But if there is trust - is it real fear or just nervousness in anticipation of what may be to come?

double lives

There was a recent comment to an Uncle Agony post by Anonymous which you can read here. I've written a short post related to it on Uncle Agony here.

It got me thinking though about how people with strong and undeniable feelings of submission and dominance and are able to cope. I was recently in correspondence with a sub on Fetlife. Her husband had tried to dominate her but it just didn't work out. He just wasn't cut out for it. However he could see that she needed her submissive desires fulfilling. He gave her permission to search for a Dom and to submit to him as long as there was no penetrative sex. It is still early days but so far is working out well. However, there will no doubt be difficulties to overcome.

Few husbands, or wives, are likely to be this understanding and accommodating. If the needs are overwhelming then the only other ways forward seem to be separation - or having a secret affair. Anonymous, in the comment mentioned, describes herself as being married with three kids and living a double life. Her advice to other married women is, "if you test the water be prepared to swim."

I wondered how others may have resolved this problem in their own lives. If you too have tested the water - did you sink or swim?

online friends

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online ...

How important is the internet to you in relation to D/s and BDSM?

It can be a wonderful place to discover new things and to research areas one wants to know more about. It is a great place too to find out about other's experiences. There is a proliferation of blogs where people are describing their journey's into and through this world.

Would you have got into D/s without the internet? Is your relationship enhanced through knowledge you have gained from the net?

community

How important is the community of others who share a love of this way of life to readers I wonder?

Many I believe are in stable relationships that can be very independent. However a feeling of community and belonging can be very important. It can give an affirmation of one's views and lifestyle. It is good to know that others share one's approach to life. It is good not to feel alone.

So how do you get that feeling of community and affirmation? Some may be active in the "scene". There are munches and events galore. Some delight in being part of the scene whereas others avoid it like the plague. Some may perhaps get their feeling of belonging from an online community - of bloggers perhaps or through social networking sites like Fetlife.

So what about you? Is a sense of community important to you? Do you seek it out eagerly in real life or does an online community fulfil that need? Perhaps though you have no need of being part of a community and do not need a feeling of belonging.

Having got into it ...

Following on from my last post, "How did I get into this?" then - what next?

If it is a new relationship or a new character to an existing relationship then at least there is someone to explore with. That can still be an issue though. Couples can sometimes feel a little alone and lost in the same way as individuals when they begin to explore areas as seemingly deep and scary as this. They too may need support. So communities form. One can feel no longer alone, discover new and exciting things, learn and grow with the support and friendship of others. Sometimes this can be online as well as in real life.

For the individual it can be even more difficult. I often get emails from people who have discovered their submissiveness and wonder how they can find someone who will help them fulfil their hopes and dreams and meet their desires in a safe and caring environment. This can of course be fraught with danger so is very difficult. Those dangers can be emotional as well as physical. So it can be difficult to offer good advice other than through similar suggestions to those above. Real life and online communities of like minded people can be a good and safe place to make new friends and to begin to explore one's needs.

I do wonder though if it can be even harder for a dominant person. There can be the fear that to ask for help, to appear insecure in ones nature, is undomly and the antithesis of what one is trying to present. How can one be a Dom yet be insecure in searching for new relationships and one's role within them? A Dom is perhaps expected to emerge fully formed with a possy of submissives in tow.

So - next steps. Having got into this world how do you develop and flourish? Perhaps those who have blossomed might share the secrets of their success.

How did I get into this?

One of the interesting questions that Sh asked in her email to Uncle Agony was "... how do you begin to get into this type of relationship? "

So just how did I get into this? This relationship in particular seems almost by chance. An internet contact, two people with complimentary needs and it is working out very well.

But how did I get into wanting, desiring, searching for a BDSM relationship? With me it came gradually I think. The desire had always been there - an awareness of the sensuality of BDSM play which I found attractive. It was some time though before I felt the need for a relationship - which is essential I think in real power exchange. For me that was at first online which in turn led to real play and face to face relationships.

For others I know that this search or development has been from within a pre-existing relationship which in many ways is all the more fascinating.

So how did you get into this anyway?

BDSM and Sex

In an interesting email to Uncle Agony (which can be read here) Sh raised a lot of interesting points. You can read two very thoughtful replies by Petals MJ here and by Lyoness here. It got me thinking about a number of issues.

One of them is whether sex in a BDSM context is more intense, more satisfying, more exciting, more fulfilling - just better, I suppose! Betsy T wrote in a comment here that she thought women in BDSM relationships had higher sex drives - and that BDSM had certainly had that effect on her.

So does BDSM increase your sex drive? Has it improved desire and satisfaction? Is sex in a BDSM context just better?

BDSM and sexual satisfaction

Sh has never been fully sated by a sexual encounter. Might a D/s relationship or BDSM be the answer for her? She wrote about it to Uncle Agony. Do pop over to read her email here and let us know your views.