punishment

In the comments to a post by Maryann the issue of punishment came up.

"Punishment" often seems wrong to me in a normal context. Except in the context of a consensual D/s relationship.

Rewards actually work better than punishment in training. I don't punish my children. In particular I think any violence towards children is wrong. I think violence towards women is wrong in any setting - let alone a domestic one. Except ...

... in a consensual D/s setting where each is getting pleasure, satisfaction or fulfillment from bdsm play.

So I too have a little problem that I am trying to resolve with "punishment spankings" as opposed to "erotic spankings". In the end though - I think they may be the same but at a different level.

When the consent is withdrawn then it becomes domestic abuse.

However reading the above again I seem confused even to me!

From her blog Maryann's relationship seems to be breaking at the moment. I send her my very best wishes.

"Is this all?"

Thank you to everyone who commented on my feminism post below. I was loath to publish another post at the moment as I didn't wish to draw attention away from it. I had thought of publishing all the comments as a new post but decided that might be a bit indulgent. If you've missed it though - do have a read through the comments and feel free to add to the discussion.

In those comments the delightful Livvy - the English Courtesan - promised I could spank her while she read "The Feminine Mystique" to me. Sadly I think she is teasing me again - or at least would charge me far more than I could afford! However it did get me to look at the book again. The opening words struck a chord with me - they sounded so much like how many subs had described their awakening to me.

'The problem lay buried, unspoken, for many years in the minds of American women. It was a strange stirring, a sense of dissatisfaction, a yearning that women suffered in the middle of the twentieth century in the United States. Each suburban wife struggled with it alone. As she made the beds, shopped for groceries, matched slipcover material, ate peanut butter sandwiches with her children, chauffeured Cub Scouts and Brownies, lay beside her husband at night--she was afraid to ask even of herself the silent question--"Is this all?" '

feminism

I have read many subs write critically of feminism. Indeed some of them find that hard to reconcile with other beliefs they may hold.

However I know many other subs who are feminists. I recollect one who once wrote that there was only one way she wanted to be chained to the kitchen sink!

I am a Dom.

I am also a feminist.

How do I reconcile those stances ... ?

Home

I'm back home ...

but with so little time to write at the moment.

There have been some very interesting comments to old posts from new readers while I have been away that have got me thinking. Thank you to you all and I promise I will try to respond soon.

And then there is my post about feminism to come ...

thank you and ...

Thank you to my readers for the really interesting and thoughtful comments to my posts. I feel quite privileged to have stimulated such responses. They are fascinating to read. It is great to have a small community developing who are interested in discussing these issues together and prepared to be so open about their own feelings and desires.

Again - thank you.

Forgive me though if I desert you again briefly. I am taking a break for a couple of weeks and will not be able to post or comment. I promise I will be back soon.

In fact I have in mind a post about feminism - so get your thinking caps on.

Best wishes to you all

xPx

desire

I don't want a sub to consent to being flogged.

I want her to desire it.

I want her to desire it from me.

consent

In discussions of bdsm the point is always made strongly that it is fine as long as the activities are between "consenting adults".

I am coming to the view though that "consent" is not enough - it should be "desire".

communication

I have talked before about communication. I now believe that it can be harder than I had thought.

I have had difficulties in this area. What I think I failed to realise was that to communicate to her Master a difficulty with his instructions was to the sub tantamount to admitting failure - in effect to admit she was a bad sub who could not submit fully to her Master's desires.

I think this is all the more difficult with long distance relationships - most especially in their early stages. Face to face a Master has some chance of recognising a sub's difficulties and responding appropriately. From afar it can be so hard.

If I'm not here ...

... it isn't that I am ignoring you dear reader. I have only occasional internet access at the moment.

If my posting is very sparse then do have a look at some of the discussions in comments to posts below and feel free to join in. I promise I will at least be reading them.

natural order?

I am having an email exchange with a sub who describes her relationship with her Dom boyfriend - dominant male, submissive female - as part of the "Natural Order". I argued that this was perhaps just one kind of order - all of which might be regarded as natural. Whilst agreeing on one level she suggested that these others were more sociological and psychological.

I still feel that the order she (and I in this context) subscribe to is another "social" or "psychological" order - and that to call it "natural" somehow implies that it has more validity than others. Such an implication would I imagine be hotly contested by others - for instance a Domme female/male submissive couple.

Do readers have any views on this?

I forget so quickly

I am always in a rush. It is the excitement I think. I thought I had learned this through previous experiences.

But no - I have to learn it yet again!

It is better to get there slowly together than to rush along and find you have left your partner far behind.

doing

"I hear and I forget.
I see and I remember.
I do and I understand."

I quoted this Chinese proverb to a sub recently in terms of how she could best work at understanding her own nature. Then I realised that it applied equally to myself.

being marked

Many subs like to be marked. It is a sign of ownership. It can give them pride in their submission.

This can be symbolic - an item of jewellery, a collar, even a felt tipped pen on the skin.

Some though crave the mark of an implement. A cane, a crop, a whip. A weal or bruise on the skin marking them as his.

I had marked her several times with the crop. Red lines on the skin. A darker mark at the end of one line where blood had come to the surface soon to turn to a bruise.

It sounds bad described coldly like this - but it was part of a sensuous act that we both enjoyed. She had asked me to hit her harder. She wanted to be marked. It was part of her desire.

We discussed it afterwards - what she enjoyed about such activity. She decided it was the being marked rather than the pain of marking. The fact that she had been marked gave each of us pleasure over the next few days as she reported the state of the marks in messages to me. It reminded us both of the pleasure we had together - and my temporary ownership of her.

But ...

part of me looks at the similarities between a sub wanting to be marked and vulnerable people who self-harm. It strikes me particularly with subs who are into knife play and needles. I am not passing any judgement here - I am genuinely interested in exploring if there are common factors. If there are such common factors does D/s provide a framework that can make meeting this need safer and more supportive or can D/s feed a negative self image?

Being strong ...

It is a strength to ask for help.

Depression

There are a number of subs who I have got to know very well who suffer at times from severe depression. There are other subs I know who also suffer from depression.

I hasten to add that they all suffered from depression even before they got to know me!

I know that this is a very small sample and that a high percentage of the population experience mental distress at some time in their lives.

However I just wondered if there was a real connection here. I also wondered if it might be associated with low self-esteem.

If so are there ethical issues for Doms who could be taking advantage of women in a vulnerable mental state?