Wednesday, 5 January 2011


I have just published an email from George on Uncle Agony. Here is a small part of it.

"I am afraid "converting" to a D/s-type relationship will ... I don't know, ruin things? How do I balance dominating this girl who I love very much, and by whom I am so perfectly loved, with a D/s sexual relationship? I think that she truly needs to be dominated to be sexually fulfilled. She had a very difficult upbringing in that she was forced to grow up early. Giving up her control and surrendering to the world gives her the relief from her responsibility she needs. I am more than happy to do this for her. But I don't want to lose the hand-holding, kissing, laughing sweetness of a traditional relationship which I take so much pleasure in."

It got me thinking about tenderness, D/s relationships and BDSM.

There are some Doms who are stern and subs who want them to be like that. They appear strict all the time and may enjoy humiliating as well as beating their sub. From the outside there seems little tenderness and the love may appear to take a harsher form. However it may seem very different from the inside.

To me love, care and tenderness are an important constituent part of D/s and BDSM. I remember loving walking hand in hand with the sub who I have been closest to in real life. I enjoyed smiles, snatched kisses and looks - all the things that lovers enjoy. There seemed no contradiction between this and our D/s relationship. It was part of the glue that helped make it work.

Is tenderness not also a constituent part of BDSM? What else is the caress before or after the stroke of an instrument? Without such caresses, contrasts between gentle and fierce, would it not just be a punishment? Just the S without the BD and M.

At then end too of a demanding, intense, painful or emotional scene the helping to bring the sub back to the real world. The holding, hugging, caressing, kissing ...

Perhaps there is more need for true caring and comforting in such a relationship than in other relationships.

Surely tenderness is an essential part of BDSM?


Sunshine said...

"Perhaps there is more need for true caring and comforting in such a relationship than in other relationships."

I would say absolutely. A sub may give complete control to her Dom, but she does it because she feels safe and trusts that the Dom will keep her safe and comforted and look out for her in all things.

A sub still has a mind and a heart, and submission is a continuous decision repeated over and over - just because someone has submitted to another doesn't mean that they lose themselves or their ability to view the world through their own eye.

Despite my high submissive nature and needs, I could not submit to someone who I didn't feel loved and valued and cared about me. Of course this is just my opinion and I'm sure other subs have different experiences and feelings, but this is how I feel.

Anonymous said...

Why would you have to loose the hand holding, kissing & laughing? The relationship is shaped by your actions and if that is what you enjoy then fnd a way to balance it all.
My relationship has everything you mentioned, its vanilla with BDSM twisted through out. Its wonderful and it works for us.

Pygar said...

Thank you Emilie

Yes when there is that trust and feeling of safety and comfort - that comes does it not with a D/s relationship?

Thank you for describing your own need to feel valued and loved as part of your submissive nature.

P xx

Pygar said...

Thank you too thesubmissivebf.

It is good to hear described the vanilla with BDSM twisted through out. I am pleased it is working so well for you. It sounds wonderful.

P xx

Alice said...

My D/s relationship is the most intimate, tender and loving relationship I have ever had. Like Emilie, I can submit fully, because I know he cares for me and values me. I trust him completely. He tells me that he loves me and values my submission and would never do anything to damage either one.

There are all manner and spectrum of D/s relationships. I can only speak from my experience.

George said...

Hi everyone on both Uncle Agony and here, this is George. Thank you so much for your comments. They have been very helpful and soothing for me, and my lovely girlfriend found it very appealing that I cared enough to reach out to this community in order to pursue a hot/fulfilling sex life balanced with the "goodness and light" of a vanilla relationship. I particularly like the "D/s twisted throughout" metaphor.

This has been extremely instructive. Thank you all so much.


Unknown said...

"Perhaps there is more need for true caring and comforting in such a relationship than in other relationships.

I couldn't agree more! And I think maybe also a different kind of respect -from both parties!

Now, I do not have that kind of relationship, i.e. as in hsving a "normal relationship" on the side of the D/s one -I do believe though that Master and I have come to be good friends. And if one don't feel trust and knowledge in that one's Master cares for you and your wellbeing, well I for one would not be able to submit in any "real" way. Master and I actually discussed this just the other day, about the paradoxes of a D/s relationship, and I think that is what is so beautiful about it. The being caring and comforting even whilst giving punishment etc etc.

And to George directly: I am so pleased that you have found comfort and knowledge through Pygar's lovely blog =) I wish you and yours all the best!

Pygar said...

Thank you Alice for describing the love and tenderness in your own relationship.

Pygar said...

Thank you too NewToThis07. I believe you are right that the respect has to work both ways. It is interesting too how you emphasise that the love and care enables you to submit.

Good luck

P xx

Pygar said...

Hello George. I am so pleased that you have found the comments here and on Uncle Agony helpful and instructive. I am pleased that your girlfriend has been positive about it too.

I am sure we all wish you both all the best.

Good luck.

Do visit sometimes and let us know how it is going!

- P

Pygar said...

Readers may be interested in a follow up to this post from NewToThisLife07 here.

nbs said...

I am blessed in that my Sir is very nurturing as well as a very sadistic man.
He cares and comforts me more than anyone ever has .. and manages to be crueler to me than anyone as well.

Pygar said...

Thank you nancy for sharing the contrast in your relationship that we all appreciate between tenderness and apparent cruelty.