Wednesday, 26 January 2011


Sometimes on BDSM social networking and contact sites one sees subs describing themselves as being mentored by or under the protection of a Dom friend. I was discussing this recently with blossom. She posted about it here.

I have tended to assume just common sense interpretations of these words and corresponding roles. But is there more that comes with it from the D/s dynamic? blossom suggests there may be different levels that could even lead into a training role. For me though a training role would lie outside a mentoring role and be distinct from it. But where the line lies between them I am not sure. For mentoring is a kind of support which is close to teaching ... which in turn can come close to training.

Have any readers felt themselves officially or unofficially mentoring a sub or being mentored by a Dom? Is it more structured than I have described and should it be? Should training form any part of mentorship?

I was going to develop this further into the area of "protection". But that will perhaps be better as a separate post.


DauntlessVitality said...

I read blossom's post, and left her a similar comment.

I have done what I would consider being a Mentor to a few subs. I think the goal or point is to guide a sub and help her understand her submissive side. It's more of a discussion type situation than anything. An exchange of thoughts, views and opinions, centered around a sub's real feelings, concerns and questions. It's offering advice and opinions based on the Dom's knowledge and experience.

Taking that to another level, where there is an actual physical interaction, in my opinion anyway, does begin to get outside the Mentor role. That is more of a training situation, which is something totally different, but can be done in conjunction with being a Mentor, as long as both parties understand the situation fully and agree.

That is at least how I view it. I suppose though, that Mentoring can really be whatever the two people involved want it to be, and want to get out of it.


Sweet Vernal Zephyr said...

I like the way DV puts it.

Mentoring is discussion and Training would start to get physical.

Pygar said...

Thank you DV and Sweet Vernal Zephyr. I find DV's use of physical interaction as being a point that might distinguish mentoring and training very interesting.

For myself I would think that once the relationship became physical it is something more than mentoring. I note that Sweet Vernal Zephyr tends to agree.

Though as DV says - it can be whatever the individuals want. However stepping over the boundaries might turn the relationship into something they had not originally planned or anticipated.

I think too that a mentor is in a position of trust, and perhaps power, that should not be abused.

blossom said...

Thank you Sir for linking Your post to mine it will be nice to view other Dom and subs views.

blossom x

Pygar said...

No - thank you blossom. Your post was far better thought out than mine. I hope others follow to your words on this and to your other writing.

P xx

Jen said...

Clearly I’m just all kinds of confused.

In my brain, however small and cluttered it may be, I thought it went like this;

Under Protection means just that. Someone is protecting someone. From harm, from sadness, from forgetting her address, from the continuously slamming into the proverbial wall she’s SO great at hitting. It’s protection. And the protector has to be in a more “authoritative” role, if you will. They serve as a perma-friend, with NO expectation of anything. The protectee is more than welcome to ask questions, but would be wise to take heed of any advice the protector gives.

Training is just that TRAINING. Teaching someone to become something.
This can be linear or lateral. A slave COULD train a slave. Who would know how to be a slave better than a slave? Or a slave could be trained by a Master, a sub by a Dom. I mean, after all, once you become a good sub or slave, you’ll need to know how to answer to a Master or Dom, no better time than the present, right? Obviously it might be complicated, though, with a submissive training a more dominant role. “Psssst! Tell me to bend over!” Doesn’t have a sexy ring to it.

Mentoring, I feel, is like having a shadow. A shadow who knows nothing, and needs the basics FIRST. And in my own brain, is always done IN KIND. It’s mostly laying ground work so that said person (usually a dominant character) doesn’t do irrevocable damage, as many of these relationships are DEEPLY emotional. We ALL realize how much damage a “bad” Dom can do.

Like I said, I might be WAAAAY off base, but that’s what I think.

Anonymous said...

Interesting post.. recently I've been talking to a local Dom and noticed that he also has a sub listed as under his protection, yet he has never mentioned her in our conversations. I do believe that I'll bring this up in tonight's chat. I'm curious to see what exactly his role is in her life.

valley girl

Jz said...

I consider myself to have a mentor but all that means to me is that I have a guide, a handy, speaking reference book, if you will.
I wouldn't *want* him to train me, unless he became my Dom. Maybe my view of D/s is just more personal than some people's but each Dom has his or her own requirements - why on earth would they want someone *else* to train their sub?

Jen said...

Hi! My name is Jen, and I'm about to eat some crow.

It seems my reply was worded poorly, as I used three words in succession that also HAPPEN to be the title of a blog belonging to someone I've never had any interaction with.

My reply was in NO WAY aimed at anyone.

I simply meant, in my paragraph about mentoring, in particular, is that mentoring is done to teach the basics, which is important to DOMINANT FIGURES (i/e Doms, Dommes, Masters, Sadists, Daddies, Tops, Sirs, Owners; WHAT HAVE YOU)so that they (the abovementioned DOMINANT FIGURES) can learn how to do TTWD correctly. Everyone involved in TTWD has run into, or has met someone who has run into one of the aforementioned DOMINANT FIGURES who uses their title incorrectly. Usues it to order people around in bed, not realizing how deeply emotional this is for the submitting individual. THATS ALL I MEANT.

I wasn't pointing that at anyone, I wasn't angry with anyone. Any similarities were purely coinsidental.


Pygar said...

Thanks Jen

I thought your post made sense and I didn't take it as a comment on any individual. I am sorry if it has caused you problems and hope it is sorted out now.

Thanks too Valley Girl - did you find out what the role was of a sub under protection to your Dom friend?

I have also started a separate post about protection above.

I think you are right Jz that D/s should be personal and not just a list of rules. We all find our own way - but it is good to have trusted mentors who we can refer to. I think this can apply to Doms as well as subs.

I do not think of my sub friends as being mentors to me - but on reflection I am sure that is the case. Perhaps every Dom should have a sub as a mentor!

P xx

Anonymous said...

Pygar, Jen's response was kindly written in follow up to a question I left her on her blog. I was not upset at her use of A Dominant Character (obviously I do not own the phrase) I merely wish to confirm she had not meant me nor that I had in some way offended her. She did not and I had not and all is well.

Sorry we co opted your space.


Pygar said...

No problem SJ. Thank you for the clarification. I am pleased everything has been sorted out.

- P

Unknown said...

Greetings to all Masters,Mistresses,Free and slaves.
it is my understanding that a mentor is not a trainer.a mentor is someone whom you go to for advice, questions,direction- possiblily when your owner is unavailable?
or as in the situation where the Master of the house has brought in a new slave, and assigns one to guide her, make sure she follows the rules when His presence is absent or the slave doesn't want to bother Him with a question for whatever reason, so she goes to the alpha slave to answer her questions, etc."this would then be her mentor."
a (mentor) is one who teaches,and guides,right?
how then is it possible for a Master, You call Dom.""whatever "", to teach a female slave,,(sub) to be what she desires and guide her in every aspect, when He can't possibly" teach"her everything,as he has "never",(i suppose it's possible but doubful) been a " female slave,or sub?"
or possibly a male friend the Master assigns his slave to turn ti in times of emotional striff when he's not available, to teach and guide her. i don't believe sleeping or "playing" with the one whom you are mentoring is included or needed to Teach or give Guidance?
please correct me if i am wrong?
be well~
la kajira

Pygar said...

Thank you lorechelle. You make some very interesting and thought provoking points. I like in particular your notion that a mentor should perhaps be another female slave.

I am currently in China and have discovered that there is a continuance of the master/student ideal in may areas. I think that too can operate successfully in a BDSM context.

- P

Unknown said...

Thank You Master Pygar for allowing me an opinion.
China ~Good place to learn.