Thursday, 26 May 2016

on being released

There is a new post on Uncle Agony where Graham asks if he should release his sub. You may like to pop over an read it and add your thoughts here.

It got me thinking though about the concept of a submissive being "released". It isn't a word I have come across recently but I remember a few years ago hearing it used quite commonly, certainly amongst a group of friends at that time. It might be because of relationship problems a couple of submissive friends were having whee they were released or asked to be released. Being released by a Dom was basically being dumped.  Whereas if the sub wanted to dump her Dom she had to ask permission! I am sure if permission hadn't been granted they would have gone anyway.

Though soon after that my online submissive at that time suggested I release her because of a real time relationship that was becoming more intense for me togehter with the fact that she was having problems. I'm still working out whether I had been dumped or not! LOL

What about readers. Have you ever released a sub or asked a Dom to release you? Did it feel like being dumped?


Tamar said...

I've been on both sides of this, and it does indeed feel like being dumped, likely because it is- basically. A D/s or M/s relationship, for all the fancy trappings, is still a relationship, so ending the relationship is still..."being dumped". It sucks, but it's still better than prolonging a relationship that doesn't work or doesn't fit. We all deserve to be in a happy, healthy, fulfilling, and enriching relationship, whether vanilla or BDSM, and sometimes we meet folks, try it out, and it just doesn't work for a myriad of reasons. Or other times, it does work but only for a while, then it doesn't. It's sad, it's hard, but it's part of life- finding what we love, who we love, what feeds our souls and dealing as kindly and respectfully as we can with breakups when it does not.

Pygar said...

Thanks Tamar. I'm sorry you have had bad experiences yourself in this way. Yes it is hard to be "dumped". I wonder thought when a relationship is clearly no longer working then is there a better way of resolving it than one partner doing the dumping and the other feeling dumped. My partner has previously been in two long term lesbian relationships. In each one when the relationships came to an end it was of course distressing for both - but neither felt "dumped". In fact she is still friends with both previous partners.

I think this is rarer in heterosexual relationships perhaps - but should it be?

Thanks again

P xx

beladona said...

There are two different aspects of this question that are not necessarily related:

1] the relationship that is "cheating"

2] the issue of release

On the former I have to agree that unless she is ready to come out in the open and face the consequences, then perhaps it is better [and kinder in the long run] to end the relationship.

On the latter? I have been released and it hurts like nothing that I have ever had happen to me. Even when I was maneuvered into requesting release, the loss of that collar went bone/soul deep. I understand why it had to be, I agreed that it had to be, I knew it was the best thing from both sides of the leash -- and it still hurts after a year.

Pygar said...

Thank you beladona.

Regarding "cheating" Tamar made a similar point even more strongly on Uncle Agony here.

On "release" I am sorry you are still hurting so much. Perhaps being "maneuvered into requesting release" (my italics) made it even harder.

Good luck

P xx

Mala said...

What Tamar said...all of it...

Pygar said...

Thanks Mala.

I found these words by Tamar quite special,
"It's sad, it's hard, but it's part of life- finding what we love, who we love, what feeds our souls and dealing as kindly and respectfully as we can with breakups when it does not."

P xx

SugarSack said...

I had a two year long distance online only virtual D/s relationship / mentorship

we were online chatting and video chatting every night for those two years

circumstances happened where I couldn't get online for two whole days and when i was able to ... he had assumed the worst and released me because i had "made my choice"

it was devastating but also telling of the type of character he had as well

it was painful yet revealing and I am happy it happened


Pygar said...

Hello SugarSack,

In the past I have had serious online relationships and can attest to their intensity and the emotional connection and bonds that can be formed. Some of them developed into real friendships or relationships. I think that real, meaningful and fulfilling relationships can be created online.

However there are also players out there who may use the anonymity of online to their own ends. For some there can be an emotional detachment about online where nothing is "real" and they lose all sense of proper ethical behaviour.

It sounds sadly as if you may have met such a Dom online and became committed to him, yet he behaved in a way that perhaps he may not have done in a real time relationship with a submissive.

Whatever the reason I think you are better off out of that relationship and it is clear you recognise that. However you have gained from it - and we all learn lessons from our experiences.

Good luck and thank you for sharing your experience

P xx