Tears

Tears ...

I had a session with a sub I have met a couple of times just a month or so ago. Near the beginning she started to cry. She is into humiliation and degradation which isn't my thing - but I aim to please! So as she was pleasuring me I started describing something she had done recently with another Dom that she had written about and saying what a cheap slut she was.

I suddenly realised that he was crying. I had hit a nerve - psychologically rather than physically. I stopped the scene. I took her into my arms and held her and just hugged her as she sobbed until she was done. Then we lay down together and cuddled and chatted and discussed the issues until she was ready to start again.

She is an experienced sub. She has taken some fairly hard strokes of the cane and crop from me without flinching ... but a few words ... ?

Tears can come very unexpectedly.

I have a very close online friend who was my pupil. She can be brought to tears easily by the thought of injustices in the world or just by melodramas. But she cannot cry for herself. She feels she needs to cry for herself to get out all the hurt and pain that has built up from the abuse she has suffered from so many for so long. But she cannot do it. She cannot cry for herself. She has written of wanting to be beaten to make her cry. To make her cry for herself. I don't think I am that strong. I wrote her a story of it to explain. I know I could hold her close in my arms to kiss away the tears ... but I am unsure I could beat her so hard. I am not sure any Dom could. She is very strong and very determined.

There is no weakness in tears. I can be brought to tears myself so easily - too easily perhaps since the consequences of some personal circumstances in my life. Too many men feel that tears are not for them - so women can get catharsis from their pain through tears - whereas for men the catharsis is too often through anger or uncontrolled violence. Of the two I feel that tears are the more preferable. So there can be something positive in tears.

But to set out to create tears ... there has to be a context I suppose.

Are there readers who cry in bdsm scenes? Are there those who try to create tears? Is crying positive or negative for you?

What does it take to make you cry? Do you get catharsis from tears? Do you want someone to kiss them away? Do you want someone to create those tears?

a new blog

I had a discussion with Lady Alpha last week. She is fascinating and very experienced. She had so many interesting things to say that I suggested that she too might start a blog. She surprised me by announcing that she had set one up that very morning.

It is in its early stages but she already has a few posts written. You can find it here. Do pop in and say hello.

poly relationships ...

It can sound such fun - two subs for the price of one! Though it always seems to be two or more subs with the one Master - rather than the other way around! I don't suppose that would work. Though there are Masters who lend out their subs - perhaps that is the equivalent. (I have just recollected also Dom/Domme couples who share a sub.)

Contact websites often include requests for another sub to join an established D/s relationship.

I wonder how well these relationships work in reality. We have often talked here of the importance of trust. I guess in a polyamorous relationship that aspect of trust is all the more necessary. I wonder how one stops jealousy coming in to the mix? Sharing can sometimes be very hard. Maybe it just needs even more quality communication than in a two-person relationship?

A reader wrote to me a little while ago about the fact that her relationship with her Master was about develop to include a close female friend of hers. At the start though there was a concern about communications and a worry started to niggle. Talking it through sorted it out ... but even amongst close friends there was perhaps the hint of jealousy right at the very beginning.

I hope it is working well for them now.

today ...

... I was going to catch up on answering all the recent comments from kind readers over the festive season. I was going to publish a new and stimulating (ahem) post.

I was going to climb a mountain, compose a symphony, make love to a beautiful woman, cook a gourmet meal, throw a snowball, write my life-story ...

Ooops, sorry, slipping into fantasy there!

But the day disappeared. However, I did some important jobs and went for a walk and took down all the Christmas decorations and chatted with a friend.

Tomorrow I will be a kind Dom and will blog. I promise!

Happy New Year

I'd like to take this opportunity to say a big thank you to all commenters on this blog over the last few months. We've had some very interesting discussions and I know I am learning from you all.

Wishing a very Happy New Year to all readers and friends

Happy Christmas

I would like to wish a very Happy Christmas to all readers of this blog.

Whatever your circumstances I hope you find some magic and joy this holiday season.

Busy, busy, busy ...

I had hoped to write a new post before Christmas but ...

Well I promise there will be another before too long! In the meantime there have been recent, interesting comments to "edge play" and "body modification" that you may have missed.

body modification

I have just exchanged a couple of messages with a sub who I did not know until now. Her previous Dom insisted she have - I think it was five cosmetic operations. This includes a nose job and breast implants. The breasts are hard and out of proportion with her body. Her new nose was a very painful procedure. She hates how she looks now and works out strenuously to create a body image that she feels is her. She has published pictures of herself in the hope that she may get some positive comments to help her esteem and self-image.

Another sub I know has lost weight at the instruction of her Dom. She has gone down from over 20 stone (about 300 pounds) to an English dress size 10/12 (American 6/8 I think). I fist met her when she was about size 14/16 (American 10/12). She was happy with her weight and body shape then. However now she hates her body. She hates the way her breasts are no longer full and sag. She hates other sagging folds of skin. She is no doubt much healthier than before - and is exercising lots on instruction too. However she has not yet quite reached her Master's target weight for her.

These are fairly extreme examples but I have seen subs on contact sites looking for a Dom to transform them in such ways.

There are many other ways in which a Dom may require a body modification that is less extreme. This might be a small tattoo or a piercing. Such things may be regarded as more acceptable - but even in such cases they are often a joint decision for both to make and celebrate their relationship.

But if the tattoo was large and unsightly - or visible - or used explicit bdsm language?

I wonder if many readers have undergone body modification at the instruction of their Master - or have required it of their sub - and what their attitudes to this is.

edge play

The discussion earlier about paid sex - here - got me thinking about edge play. Edge play may mean different things to different people. Here I want to talk though about play that is consensual but potentially harmful, dangerous or illegal.

Where it is truly fully consensual then I do not want to be seem to be judging but ... well I suppose I do have some problems - especially as we are talking of relationships where such power is given to another.

To make a decision to harm someone? To make them do something illegal? To instruct them to undertake a task that was potentially very dangerous? This harm could also be psychological or emotional as well as physical - and such situations are even more difficult to judge. Is it possible to trust any person enough to allow them to have such power? But it is consensual ...

There are also levels of risk I suppose. I know couples and individuals who enjoy breath play. A sub friend is drawn to this and did some research on it. It seems there is no way of undertaking it that is not dangerous and potentially life threatening. Yet she is still drawn to it and I think will have a go. Another sub friend has recently written on her blog about trying it and enjoying it. I genuinely do not judge any of these people. They have measured the risks involved, take what precautions they can and are having fun. So should I not feel as non-judgemental about all kinds of edge play?

A couple of sub friends have been worried about permanent damage to their breasts due to punishments from Doms which caused lumps that they were worried could be cancer. Both were fortunate in that the lumps were not - but they were very worried for a while. I'm sure neither of them planned for this when they indulged in the play. So whose responsibility was it to ensure the play was safe?

I am very queasy and do not like blood so I personally find blood play or needle play difficult - but I know there are readers of this blog who gain satisfaction and fufillment from it. At what stage does it become dangerous or harmful?

If a sub is seriously harmed emotionally, psychologically or physically by her Dom then I think that is wrong even if it is consensual. I believe a Dom has a resonsibility to care for his sub and keep her safe. That to me is a fundamental part of the deal when power is exchanged.

But what counts as "serious harm"? And am I just being a wimp?

married ...

I have a couple of submissive female friends whose husbands cannot understand their needs. One of them would love her husband to spank her but, having the laudable attitude that violence to women is wrong, he just cannot bring himself to do it.

Both these subs have struggled with how to satisfy their own needs whilst maintaining their marriages. They have both found some satisfaction with internet relationships. But they both crave real relationships too. One may have embarked on an affair - which could be likely to put her marriage at risk. The other I think has at times been sorely tempted. For now though she has put online Masters to one side - but she feels a big gap in her life.

I too am married to a woman who would be horrified by this aspect of my life. So I have online relationships and secret encounters.

There are many of us who dream of the happy relationships that some of the readers of this blog enjoy.

pimped ...

One morning last January I dropped a friend off for a meeting at the university. I took a short cut on the way back through what at night has become a "red light" area. An area where prostitutes work the streets. I pass no moral judgement on this regarding the women.

At about ten o'clock in the morning there was a young woman standing on the kerb looking for business. It was freezing cold. She was dressed in jogging trousers and a thin top. She was hugging herself to try to keep warm. She was crying.

I imagine she needed the money to buy her first fix of the day. No doubt it was a man who had got her hooked on drugs to bring him in money and to give him power over her.

There are some very evil aspects of men's power over women that we should never forget.

Recently I was talking with a sub who had had a scene with a Dom where she had been paid a token amount as an intended humiliation - which she gets off on. But she became upset. She gave her submission and sexual use for free. That was central to what she did.

She also told me though of a sub friend of hers - a woman with a professional job - whose Dom sends her out to prostitute herself on the streets each weekend as part of her submission and his control over her. For me that seems to be getting too close to the Dom becoming the pimp. I have no time for pimps.

It is interesting too that for many subs being paid for sex is a "hard limit" but that for most of the escorts I know who are paid for sex that they would find the things most subs engage in as being quite beyond their own limits.

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving to all my American readers.

Diana Laurence has written on her blog of erotic stuff to be thankful for.

In this context ...

- I am thankful for having met several good online friends with whom I have had some special erotic fun.

- I am thankful for having been able share as a contributor (under several names) and a reader to the erotic Dragonfly Geisha blog.

If any readers would like to share their erotic stuff to be thankful for then please feel free to do so as a comment.

pushing limits

I talked here a little while ago about "no limits". In the discussion there seemed to be a consensus that there were always some limits - even if these were implicit and understood.

For many there are explicit limits. They can be very hard limits. Ones that it would be a serious breach of trust to try to breach or stretch. I have said a little about this in earlier posts on safewords and mistakes.

But there are other relationships where the very act of submission and of giving oneself to another gives permission for limits to be tested, stretched and broken. I was discussing this with a sub recently where it was clearly almost the purpose of her journey. She wanted to be led further and further into degradation - to be made to do things that she found almost impossible. She then got great pride and satisfaction in having had her limits stretched.

Clearly this will be different in each relationship and a Dom holds great power and responsibility. The sub I mentioned above wrote in her journal recently of being in tears whilst carrying out a task. She also sounded almost in despair over where it was all leading - though another part of her desperately craved that slavery.

How much I wonder is her Dom doing this to meet her needs and how much to meet his desires? How would he know if he had gone too far? How would she? Could there be times when stretching her limits is not psychologically and emotionally safe for her even if part of her craves it?

Talking

I have another blog where I write about some different aspects of my life that ...

... well take a lot of my emotional energy.

Sometimes there are big gaps but at other times I write every day. At the moment the posts are stacked up. So forgive me if my posts here tend to be infrequent. I am grateful for the time people have put into the comments and I promise I will continue posting.

My other blog is intended as a therapeutic tool for me - to help me deal with some difficult situations - to get out that depth of emotion. I know there are many who do this too in the D/s and BDSM field. Talking - or writing - can be a great catharsis - getting out into the open so many worries or concerns - or anger and delight - that just need sharing.

So my writing here is partly a diversion from that other part of my life - but also a way of investigating and sharing some other special thoughts about this interesting and complex world.

Talking and writing can be very special and very rewarding.

Especially when people are listening.

So thank you for listening - and for writing.

Listening

If you are a sub how well does your Dom listen to you? Does he see that as part of his purpose or is that just to instruct you?

If you are a Dom do you listen to your sub? No, I don't mean just take notice that she has dared to talk and that you have not shut her up. I don't even mean hearing the words and understanding them and attempting to reassure her.

No.

I mean do you try to listen to all she has to say - to understand her feelings - to understand what it is that drives her soul. Do you listen to understand the effect her submission to you has on her? The ecstasy and the agony of accepting your instructions and punishments?

Do you listen to her to understand her deeply?

He is telling me "yes" dear sub ... does he really?