a passionate Dom

I noticed that a Dom who commented on a post a little while back described himself as a passionate Dom. I joked in an email exchange that I would steal the phrase from him!

On Beau I originally described myself as "a hopeless romantic". Then after a discussion with an online sub friend changed it to "a hopeful romantic". On this blog I described myself as "a kind Dom". It was intended as an apparent contradiction - to try to emphasise that the D part of D/s could be caring and affectionate. A sub who I met described me after an encounter as "a sensual Dom". I liked that very much and have quoted it often. But then the notion of "a passionate Dom" came up.

Yes - "a passionate Dom"!!!! That seemed to be something to aspire to.

However I came across a thread on a message board a little while ago where the writer bemoaned the fact as a female sub that she no long had passionate sex. That her partner as her Dom always had to be in control and therefore could not let himself go in the wild way needed to create a truly passionate encounter.

So I wonder - is she right? Is "a passionate Dom" even more of a contradiction than "a kind Dom"? What do readers think?

feeling needed

An "ex" said to me a few days ago that she believed I had to feel needed. Unlike much else she said of me (it was a somewhat heated exchange!) I pondered on the possible truth of this. I wondered also if it was a Dom thing.

I do know that it is true that I enjoy affection - don't we all. It is quite lovely to have someone express strong affection for oneself, love even, but do I want to be needed? I wondered whether having someone need me is too much of a stress. It may not even involve the affection. Need is a very powerful thing - and trying to meet the expectations of such need could be very demanding.

However, is that part of what Domination and submission is about? That a sub needs the control of her Master which is the reason for her submission to him? There is something in that which frightens me a little though. I would rather it came from affection than need in that sense - where it was me personally that was needed as opposed to the control and other aspects of domination that I could give. Perhaps it is the personalisation of such need that I shirk away from.

But still I wonder if the desire for power that may be part of domination includes a desire to be needed. I would be interested in how other Doms and subs perceive this.

Beau's blog

I have another blog which I write under the name of Beau. Many readers may have first known me there. It started as a bit of fun following from an earlier Beau blog which I closed. I used it for writing erotica and for some tongue in cheek playfulness with some online blogging friends.

My erotica then moved to the Dragonfly Geisha blog where I wrote as Takumi, Katashi and Beau but have not written there for well over a year. Beau's blog became a place where I mainly posted silly or erotic things I found on the web mostly with a BDSM slant. I do write very occasionally there or publish occasional photos of my own.

Recently I published a poem - Mannequin - by an online acquaintance. She was thrilled to be asked for permission to publish her poem and a photograph and I was very pleased to do so. It made me wonder if there may be other creative readers out there who might like to have a poem, photograph or some other creative work published there.

If you are interested please do get in touch.

"hugs heal"

"Hugs heal." I read this on a message board recently in relation to a bereavement. Two people at least subscribed to the kind thought.

I am a firm believer in hugs - whether needed or not! They are definitely needed after (and sometimes before) a BDSM play session. A sub needs to know she is loved and cared for and a hug is a physical manifestation of friendship and care.

I like hugging friends, both male and female. There is nothing sexual in it. If there is then it turns into a cuddle, a caress which can lead delightfully to other things. That is fine but it is good to know a hug can be non-sexual. Just there to offer care and friendship and support. As such it can be very, very, very powerful.

But ...

Hugs don't heal ... though they can ease the pain.

Uncle Agony

I have just published a new letter, "a virgin sub", on the Uncle Agony blog.

If you have any supportive comments to add there I am sure they will be welcomed.

Religious Spam

I know other BDSM and D/s bloggers have at times been inundated with critical comments from a Christian perspective. I recently received a comment of this nature that was just spam. It all seemed very pointless. If anyone wants to engage in serious debate with me then I am prepared to listen and respond - within reason!

But this comment seemed to be very pointless. I include the content here - and my response:

Anonymous said...

1 John 1:9-10
9. If we confess our sins, he (God) is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

10. If we say that we have not sinned, we make him (God) a liar, and his (God*s) word is not in us.

Read the Holy Bible, praying to The Holy Spirit ((refer to John 14:26 in the Holy Bible)).***The Holy Bible is the ocean of
unlimited spiritual treasures; gifts; blessings; rights and privileges & unlimited spiritual inheritance of grace, righteousness, merits and rewards FOR FREE TO EVERYONE ***&&& EVERYONE! EARN AS MUCH AS, WISHES TO EARN.

http://4justice.org/

N.B. Please send this to ten or maximum people you can.

November 5, 2010 6:53 PM

Pygar said...

Hello Anonymous

I am not really sure how to respond to your comment. It is clearly spam - and intended to create more spam through asking others to pass it on.

Personally I am not religious though I know some of my readers are. There are issues that many with a strong religious faith - not just Christian but of a variety of faiths - may have with BDSM. However there are Christian and Muslim saints who have used flagellation to achieve religious experiences.

If you are unhappy with aspects of this site then please join in with relevant comments and we can have an intelligent discussion.

That is what this blog is all about.

xPx

PS Can I spank you?

November 5, 2010 9:42 PM

I would be interested in the views of readers.

humour

Shouldn't it be fun?

Yes this is serious but perhaps it is not always to be taken too seriously.

I love to to smile and laugh and yes - to see a sub smile and laugh, as well as her expressions of agony and ecstasy.

I will never forget a certain sub giggling, gurgling and growling as I dripped hot wax all over her naked body ...

Do you too like to have fun ... or is it all too serious a matter for that?

active vs passive submission

I was reminded of this by a recent post by David in A view from the Top. He wrote of exactly this issue here.

I was sure I had written about this before at least once. However when I looked back I could just find one post of mine that remained in draft, never having been published. It looks still unfinished. I wrote it in February 2008!!!! My thoughts then were:

"Many Dom's expect their subs to be passive. They should not use their initiative but wait to be told what to do. In extreme cases their lives can be micro-managed by their Dom. This can be useful in training situations to emphasise and embed the control of a Master or just as a helpful discipline on occasions. However for much of the time I prefer more active submission. Is it not the purpose of a sub to provide for the pleasure and happiness of their Master? Should they expect to have to be told before knowing that he would like a cup of tea, or to have her display herself gracefully or offer herself for a spanking just in case it should be necessary?"

In response to David's post on this subject I responded with the following:

"Thank you David. "Active vs passive submission." It is a hobby horse of mine. I thought I had written about it and on searching have discovered I did two years ago but it is still in draft! I am afraid I am often too long getting my brain into gear. As a Dom my own personal preference is for active submission. That is not to say that a sub should not be obedient and at times passive - but I am not so interested in that model. I do not want a doormat. I want an intelligent, bright, enthusiastic sub. Surely the role of a sub is to please her Master. Is that not active rather than passive? Perhaps I am just lazy but I do not always take my pleasure through ordering my sub around. Rather I would delight in her constantly searching for ways to please her Master. I have always tried to "train" my subs in that way. It can be difficult to do so. For many subs submission can be an easy way out. No longer do they have to think for themselves - their Master will decide. Submission should not be intellectually easy. A sub should be thoughtful and dedicated to the pleasure of her Master. I am sure she could delight herself in such activity and in doing so give great pleasure to her Master. Yes of course - there is a place for passivity. The Master will take control and direct. It is central to the dynamic. But subs should not neglect the active service in searching for ways to please their Master."

So what do my readers think?

Internal Enslavement

I have just come across this concept recently by chance. There is a webpage here if you want to investigate it further. I don't think there is anything specifically new about it in the theme of D/s. It is just at one end of the notion of control and emphasises the psychological aspect.

I found a fetlife thread about it here. (Sorry non-members may not be able to see it all.)

However, this quote from it seems to sum it up well,

"Internal Enslavement is a particularly intense (OK, that's a controversial word, but I can't think of a better one, "extreme" sounds pretentious) version of the Master/slave/Owner/property dynamic where the Master/Owner uses conditioning techniques to sculpt and change the mind of the property. Some aims of the conditioning may be: Making it psychologically impossible for them to disobey or leave. Helping them to like things the didn't like before. Helping them to get over their psychological issues. Getting them to the point where they center their entire life unthinkingly around the master/owner. Changing all their reactions to "I'm doing this to please my master" to "I'm doing this because it's the way it should be done; was there ever any other way?"

Ideally this is all done in collusion with the slave - i.e. the slave understood and consented in the beginning, and thought that this conditioning was a Good Idea, and willingly went along with it. The process takes years and years; it's not quick and there is usually a long period in the beginning where the slave can bugger off if they change their minds. The conditioning has to be kept up, as the slave can slide out of it if nothing happens for years.

IE is Not For Everyone. It's waaay at the far end of the M/s/O/p dynamic spectrum. The slave has the rights that their owner grants them, and that's all. The owner holds the rights for the slave, because the slave has (after the IE is in place) has no recourse and can't leave unless the owner decides that they can. Again, it's Not For Everyone. Anyone who is made uncomfortable by the idea Should Not Be Doing This."

I suppose there are a number of 24/7 D/s lifestyle practices that are not for me and that I could have some concerns about. But this in particular somehow worries me a bit more.

Perhaps it is the "consensual" part. A sub would enter into this in a consensual way - wanting to be moulded in this way to be a better sub. In that way it is no different from any other D/s model of "slavery". Except for one thing. In any other model a slave in our modern society could tear up her slave contract and walk out having exacted whatever retribution she felt appropriate! (Ouch!!!)

But the whole point of IE seems to be to develop the control in a specifically psychological way. It is conditioning or brain-washing.

Most D/s relationships include development and discovery of finding deeper aspects of submission and domination. There is a journey that many wish to travel together and explore. However that seems different from one person messing with the mind of another in quite a deliberate way to control her. We are messing with each others minds in close relationships all the time - mostly unintentionally.

But perhaps it is just me being too queasy about people wanting to develop a real and true vision of slavery in modern society ...

I'm still queasy about it though.

sadism, masochism and sensuality - revisited

A little while ago I posted a discussion about this as a result of an interesting email I had received. I wrote about it here and also on Uncle Agony here. The comments are also relevant.

I have found this an interesting discussion and was pleased when S wrote at length in response as a blog post here. I wrote my response to S there as a comment.

I will summarise some of the issues here from my point of view but would urge you to read the full text on S's blog. She may see it from a very different perspective.

I think I am having difficulty with the distinction between sensuality and sexuality. When does a sensual pleasure become a sexual pleasure? I believe that some of the things S seeks I would describe as sensual pleasures. Yet she needs to ensure they are not sexual pleasures to maintain her commitment to someone very close to her. I know others who have struggled in this way.

So how can it be resolved?

Is S right - that she can have a close D/s and BDSM relationship without threatening her primary relationship as long as this new relationship is non-sexual? Am I right that such a relationship is as close as a sexual relationship?

Are we both right? Are we both wrong ...

... or perhaps somewhere in between!!!!

Do tell us what you think - either here or on Mind / Body / Spirit

new to submission

t wrote here to Uncle Agony. She is becoming aware for the first time of her submissive nature and desires ... trying to come to terms with them alongside her day to day personality and wondering where next.

I wonder how many readers can think back to when they were trying to come to terms with realisations of their submissive needs and desires and how to meet them? How difficult was it? Was it a shock? Were you frightened or confused? How did you come to terms with accepting the new you? How did those closest to you?

spanking and depression

I have written about depression and submission before here.

However I have received an email about spanking and depression which I have published on the Uncle Agony blog here. I hope some of you may visit and add helpful comments.

However it got me thinking about another aspect. I wondered if the act of receiving a spanking - or even a different kind of beating or serious BDSM pain - could act as an antidote to depression? Can the endorphins released in such activities act relieve depression? Is it better than prescription medication? Does the closeness inherrent in such activity provide an effective emotional support that can help alleviate depression?

I would be interested in the views of subs and Doms about this.

Is sensuality too vanilla?

I suppose this is linked to my last post but was inspired from a different place. I was commenting on another blog - forgive me I have lost the link now even though it is a rare activity for me! The blogger seemed to have lost her desire for sex though she still craved BDSM activity. Her use of rubber and latex seemed to be almost as much a barrier to prevent skin to skin contact as a sensual fabric in its own right.

In my comment I mentioned the delight of sensual erotic massage. She responded that she did not enjoy that as it was "too vanilla".

I see sensuality as a continuum across BDSM, fetish and vanilla and am happy to embrace all of its aspects. Though what about my readers? Do you find some sensual activity too vanilla to be fun? And where does one draw the line? If I tied her up before the erotic massage would that make it okay?

sadism, masochism and sensuality

Uncle Agony recently received an email asking for advice. The question is published here so please do comment there if you have any thoughts.

It got me thinking though about sadism, masochism and sensuality. I read a post on a message board recently that was arguing strongly that if you were into BDSM activity it should not matter whether your partner was male or female whether you were top or bottom. It argued that BDSM was about control, D/s and the administration of pain; that sex or sensuality was something completely different to be kept apart.

S, who has written to Uncle Agony would have some sympathy with this in their own case. S is not interested in sex, sensuality or fetish in this context - but finds that it seems to be inextricably linked in most places, perhaps especially the fetish aspect. I have tried to reassure S that there are many who share these feelings. It got me to wondering whether that was the definition of a sadist or masochist. It could be just the pleasure in administering or receiving pain with no regard for relationship, feelings, sensuality or sex. In such cases if it was just the administration or receipt of pain that was important. It would not matter much who the partner was as long as issues of safety had been taken into account.

I confess for myself I find that difficult but am struggling to accept it. I know someone who I care about was beaten recently by someone who describes himself as a sadist. She enjoyed it very much. If it had been me I would have beaten her with love and consideration for how the scene was going for her. But perhaps she and others wish to remove such activity from the realm of affection and personal relationships.

For me sensuality is inextricably linked with BDSM play. It is what makes it so delicious. But it would be a boring world if we all had the same needs and desires.

Links

I am very aware that my links list is out of date - there are many that are no longer active. Whereas there are other people who comment regularly on here and yet more who link to me who I have not linked to. I would like to link back to friends.

I will try to rectify this soon. So do let me know if you would like a link from me. To help does anyone know of a simple Blogger gadget I can use which will identify blogs that link here? Or any other suggestions?!?!